Well I’m not divorcing yet, but things sure seem to be headed that way. I spend most of my time on the GQ board, but this question is more appropriately handled here I think.

I’ve been separated since the spring and my WW has bought a house around the corner. We have two lovely children. WW’s affair with her former coworker/physician/pilot OM is still going strong. Part of the reason she is working so hard to maintain this affair is likely the status she receives being with this guy. Oh yeah, he’s married too.

So if this goes to D. My wife will have thrown away a salvageable marriage and 50% of her time with the children. I also have them EVERY weekend. Though I fret about her living happily ever after with OM I know it’s almost impossible. He lives in a city 300km away and also has two sons. Neither can move their families. I know this will self destruct sooner or later. It’s the later I wonder about.

So I’ll get to the point. If we divorce, I have absolutely no desire to reconcile once the deal is done. As affairs all seem to have a great deal of commonality to them, I am assuming the aftermaths do too. When the inevitable implosion of the affair happens, what can I expect? My concern mainly lies with the well being of my children during the 50% of the time they are with her. I would just like to know the experiences of those that have witnessed this occur. Will she likely go bonkers when the enormity of the situation comes to bear upon her?

Binder,

I have found that there are usually three kinds of WS's: 1) those who "get it" either before or shortly after the A, who are truly regretful, and who are the ones who come here on MB and try to save their M. 2) those who "get it" right before or right after the D is final, who have regrets and say they're sorry, but who don't do anything to address their own issues or save the M--they just "move on". 3) those who never do "get it" who harden their hearts and are determined to prove they were RIGHT to leave their M and have their A, even if it kills them.

It has been my experience that for a brief time the third type of WS's seem to live the high life with their OP's. They have a new house, a new love in their life, seem to have plenty of money, and the kids are so desperate for their attention that the kids don't seem to be mad at them. For a while, it appears to the BS that they "got away with it."

THEN, the fake R begins to fall apart. For several months at least, the two A partners are dead set on proving to the world that they were "meant to be" that they deny even to themselves that they now have even MORE problems than they had before! Now they have an LB-ing OP and an ex-spouse who's been horrendously hurt to deal with. Now they can not see their own children when they want. Bills are doubled while income is cut in half. Let's just say that the old lovebank is emptied QUICKLY--but they deny it and keep pretending that "everything is fine."

Eventually either the R ends or if they married their "soulmate" (barf), they D. EVEN THEN, they refuse to admit they made a mistake! They may say something like, "I am sorry I hurt you, but I'm not sorry I followed my true love." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Soooo...when the A implodes, the third kind of WS refuses to admit they made a mistake, usually starts to lose it a little, and shortly thereafter has a sudden attack of parental conscience and tries to be super-parent -OR- they try to totally avoid their children and act as if they never, ever HAD children.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

That has been my experience, having worked here at MB for four years.


CJ

First of all FaithfulNewsCJ I want to thank you for your replies to my posts on occasion. You always respond with a comprehensive and well thought out viewpoint/observation and I appreciate the time and effort.

It’s obvious that WW does not fit into the first category. She has not once come to me after the discovery of the PA stating she wanted to put this marriage back together. Not once, nada, zip, no wavering.

The second category may manifest itself. WW can get her no fault divorce as of the 15th of Dec. I’ll wait and see if I get the papers. I’m in a strong plan B and will not be contacting her once I’m served and become the quivering mess I was almost a year ago. If not, I may wait until my own self imposed time limit and go ahead my self. If at that time she decides reconciliation is in her best interests she will be facing a daunting list of boundaries I will not compromise upon.

I also am gaining some much needed perspective on our relationship in general. I can now better see WW’s disproportional level of her sense of entitlement. If her wishes and wants went unfulfilled it was because I’m “controlling.” Our daughter is a result (admitted by WW) of her desire to have a second child while aware I was not so inclined. Of course I couldn’t imagine my life without my D now, but what a monumental deception within a marriage.

The third scenario is where my money lies. WW is reluctant to admit the error of her ways and rarely looks “down the road” to see the potential and negative outcomes of her decisions. Having such a man of “status” and means is quite attractive to the relatively frugal life we led in our modest house. Not that we were poor, our house had just been paid off and we were building a log vacation home in the mountains.

If the 3rd scenario comes to pass I will really regret the tragedy of it all and especially my role in it. I KNOW how difficult it was to be my spouse. I regret my arrogance in failing to address that. I already feel exceptionally sad for all four children involved. I now will be throwing my life into making my home as the most appropriate for their upbringing. One where they not only feel loved, but gain instruction via discipline and spiritual guidance. A home that bestows upon them a sense of stewardship for the natural world, a sense of social conscience and a responsibility to their own physical well being and excellence.

It is my hope I can, as much as possible, offset and mitigate most negative effects of their mother’s choices. Some of this is for selfish reasons as well. If I can create such an environment, I look forward to a time when they will choose this as their only residence.

If any out there can lend any personal experiences to these scenarios I certainly would appreciate gaining from your insight.

Binder & Faithful,

Very informative thread. I especially am appreciative of what a 4 year member of MB has to offer. Your 3 types of WS's is right on the mark IMO.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can now better see WW’s disproportional level of her sense of entitlement. If her wishes and wants went unfulfilled it was because I’m “controlling.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That quote resonated with me because early in my M I was able to identify the trait and give it it's proper role in my wife's makeup.I can remember vividly my WW grinning and saying " Cymanca, you wouldn't leave me even if I F***ed around on you!" I was always troubled, not so much by the remark, but her attitude that I get to do what I want because I am me.

I think there is no greater example of that"entitlement" than an A coupled with a COMPLETE and TOTAL lack of remorse.

Binder,

I read over Faithful's post, and man, it is dead-on right!

My divorce was final, and I am seeing that ex-WH falls into category 3. And thus, sadly, I find myself in the position that he will FIGHT to be right about all his choices, although obviously WRONG, just because he cannot accept that he could possibly be wrong, can he? He knows somewhere deep inside he is, but he is hardening his heart, so he can deny this nagging sensation he feels even within himself.

Also, this loving husband, father, and Christian friend, is turning into option #2 in relation to his children, that is, forgetting they exist. His time with them is getting to be less and less quantity, and has not been quality for a long time now.

Your committment to provide the kind of peace, love, discipline, spiritual guidance, and haven you talked about, is just what they need.

What I am slowly learning is I cannot be responsible for the quality of relationship my ex-WH builds with our children. I can do all I can to encourage it, and facilitate an environment for it to happen, but, ultimately, it is incumbent on him, and if he does not want a healthy, close relationship with them, I cannot MAKE him want that.

The bible says to be the city on a hill, the shining light (both alluding to the fact that we can be the light in a world of darkness), the salt of the earth (adding "flavor" to an otherwise bland and lost world)...do your job right, and the bible says "Raise your children in the ways of the Lord, and they will not stray far from it." You can be that example they will otherwise be lacking.

Also, I look back now and can see all the ways I was lacking as a wife. I WAS NOT A GODLY WIFE, period, end of story. I have even argued the point that we all reap what we sow, and I sowed this in my marriage. If I was doing what I am supposed to be doing as a wife, perhaps I would not have been in this situation.

HOWEVER, we are all responsible for our choices. ALL OF US!!! And WS's are responsible for their cowardly, destructive, horrible choice. They could have done the respectful, loving, Godly choice to come before their spouses in these broken marriages, and voiced their concerns, say they were deal breakers, seek help from their spouse for this new threat to the marriage and family, on the ONSET of the feelings, and salvaged their families, their spouse, and themselves, a lot of grief.

I am thankful that God equipped me with the kind of heart, that I would take this situation, and look intraspectfully at myself, at my own role in it all, and my own faults, and allow me to inspect them. I am thankful that God is showing me all the areas I need to work on, constantly refining me, pruning away all the crap.

I would rather be that way, then like ex-WH, Mr. Category #3, who would rather blame everyone else, and will not for one second inspect any of it. Because chances are, I will be the one who will heal, will learn, and will one day have a new, healthy relationship (God willing), and my ex, well, he will not (and is already proving that...cheating on his OW soulmate now with someone else).

This is not crystal ball stuff...just stay the course. For you, for your children. Do not own your WW's choices. Change and grow. You will be rewarded for it.

Cymanca:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there is no greater example of that"entitlement" than an A coupled with a COMPLETE and TOTAL lack of remorse.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not only is my WW guilty of perpetrating that upon my family, but when I revealed that OM was not separated and divorcing his wife as she thought, it didn't slow her pursuit of him one iota. She even covered for OM when OM's W called her to ask some pointed questions. I really wonder if I have the ability to forgive that. Do those circumstances and actions not speak to an individual that has some pathological personality issues? It takes entitlement to the next level.

I guess that is a byproduct of plan B....perspective.

SerendipiT,

I always enjoy reading your posts. I envy your writing style and the means with which you seem to effortlessly convey emotion. One of the first posts I responded to here was to your other alias when you were reminiscing about your marriage and what you missed about it. It darn near would have had me in tears if I had any feelings.

I appreciate the encouragement to pad the emotional/spiritual nest for my children. I hope I can do as good a job as I intend to, but there is nothing so effective at creating a sense of inferiority as raising kids. I hope I'm up to the task.

"quivering mess" I just want to let you know that you are not alone. Ireally know that feeling far too well