I am new to this site and this is my first post, sorry if it is too long.
My wife and I have been separated for fourteen months. We had been together for a total of eight years and were married for twenty one months when she decided to leave. When we met, we both felt a strong connection to each other. Our relationship developed into love quite naturally and we lived together for about six years before we married. The first five years were the happiest times of our lives, as we planned for the future of being married and raising a family. Around the five year mark, she encountered an illness that put her in the hospital two times within a couple months of each other. Up to that point we had a very healthy and rewarding sex life, we were best friends, partners, and we shared in everything equally. After the first hospital incident, I saw a marked change in her, esspecially in our sex life. Her drive practically disapeared, and when she seemingly gave in to having sex, I could tell she was not in the same place as I was. We spoke about it many times, and I expressed my needs and all of the 'whys', and things would get better for awhile, but then they would fade again.

We married and life was grand again as we started trying to have a child. She got pregnant for the first time, and lost the baby after about five weeks. We were devestated. I supported her in every possible way that I knew how, but she still harbors the loss to this day. After that point, the frequency of sex dropped off to almost never and I was encountering the same feeling that she didn't want to be there. Again, I tried to express my needs and communicate with her, but nothing changed this time. At that point I was very frustrated with all of it and I should have sought professional help for myself and her as well, but I didn't. As I tried to communicate with her, she just shut down until the point where she decided to leave. She wanted a 'trial separation' and i reluctantly agreed, but understood her needs. I gave her as much space as she needed when she moved out. I also helped her with absolutely anything she needed while she was staying at her friends house. She suggested we seek counciling, but she stood me up on what was to be 'our' first session. Durring the separation, we had some conversations that sounded promising for our reconcilliation, but she ended up telling me one week after she moved out that she was never coming back home. Through the phone records and some research I saw that she had hooked up with someone just two days before she told me good-bye forever. She ended up living with him shortly after. I was devistated. She wanted to remain friends and I agreed, so we are to this day. She ended up living with him right away and spending most of her time with him and I ended up in counsiling by myself.
Now, fourteen months later, it seems that her and her boyfriend are seemingly on the outs. She brought this to me just last week saying that she is sorry about how she went about leaving, and not giving us a chance, and jumping right into another relationship, and she still felt a connection with me and that she really misses me. She also said she felt very guilty about what she had done. It sounds like she wants to consider reconciliation. My quandary is that i really don't think that reconcilliation is a wise decision because it has been so long and I have moved on with my life. I still love her, but I have changed so much, she was with another man, and if we did resume our marriage, i feel like she could just do it all again...

Sitting

Samm,

I am very very pro marriage as are most that post here. I am not sure what you seek in the way of advice but permit me to review the bidding here and then ask a few questions.

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We married and life was grand again as we started trying to have a child. She got pregnant for the first time, and lost the baby after about five weeks. We were devestated. I supported her in every possible way that I knew how, but she still harbors the loss to this day. After that point, the frequency of sex dropped off to almost never and I was encountering the same feeling that she didn't want to be there. Again, I tried to express my needs and communicate with her, but nothing changed this time. At that point I was very frustrated with all of it and I should have sought professional help for myself and her as well, but I didn't. As I tried to communicate with her, she just shut down until the point where she decided to leave. She wanted a 'trial separation' and i reluctantly agreed, but understood her needs. I gave her as much space as she needed when she moved out. I also helped her with absolutely anything she needed while she was staying at her friends house. She suggested we seek counciling, but she stood me up on what was to be 'our' first session. Durring the separation, we had some conversations that sounded promising for our reconcilliation, but she ended up telling me one week after she moved out that she was never coming back home. Through the phone records and some research I saw that she had hooked up with someone just two days before she told me good-bye forever. She ended up living with him shortly after.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Has it crossed your mind that she was having an affair with this fellow while still living with you and that is why nothing you tried worked? It should?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was devistated. She wanted to remain friends and I agreed, so we are to this day. She ended up living with him right away and spending most of her time with him and I ended up in counsiling by myself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So she wanted her cake and eat too? Not surprising and she got that. Her boyfriend and you to be her friend to supply what BF could not.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, fourteen months later, it seems that her and her boyfriend are seemingly on the outs. She brought this to me just last week saying that she is sorry about how she went about leaving, and not giving us a chance, and jumping right into another relationship, and she still felt a connection with me and that she really misses me. She also said she felt very guilty about what she had done. It sounds like she wants to consider reconciliation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you think she wants to consider reconciliation? Has she said this? Has she told you she loves you? Has she given you any indication that her behavior with you will change from what it was before? For example little or no sex and only when SHE feels like it?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My quandary is that i really don't think that reconcilliation is a wise decision because it has been so long and I have moved on with my life. I still love her, but I have changed so much, she was with another man, and if we did resume our marriage, i feel like she could just do it all again... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So let me see. She accepts all you did for her, and rewards you by running off with her Other Man, OM. She then keeps you as a "friend" for 14 months and once OM is gone is considering reconciling with you. You say you have moved on with your life and have changed and further you don't trust her.

So let me ask you a few questions. IF OM was the love of her life why did she not file for divorce? If your statements are true to your feelings why have YOU not filed for divorce?

It seems to me as you have laid this thing out, there is NO marriage to return to and if you did it would be one of emotional and sexual neglect. Forgive me but that just seems plain stupid. Yet... You have not filed for divorce. Why?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My quandary is that i really don't think that reconcilliation is a wise decision because it has been so long and I have moved on with my life. I still love her, but I have changed so much, she was with another man, and if we did resume our marriage, i feel like she could just do it all again</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my opinion,,, i think she played you,,but that really does not need to , or shouldn't matter,,?? it can be a choice ?? WHat's done, is done.


God tells us that infidelity can be grounds for forgiveness,,,

SOmetimes people can/will and do make mistakes,,
should the punishment alwasy be so severe/drastic, prolonged,,,,etc. etc.??


I think you have your mind made up. and possibly looking for someone maybe to tell you NOT to reconcile??

God does tell us that all marriages can reconcile, that none shall parish.

I myself am adamantly against Dv, everything about me, is "against" dv.

"IT"S NEVER TOO LATE!"

it's easier than most are aware,,,


I'm wondering--(thought just entered) if the chance exists that a future lady can look at you, and wonder if maybe when the rough, the "worse" encounters with in yours and her relationship,,, that she could allow herself to wonder if you'll turn your back on her??

Afterall, what exactly does a promise and committment mean,, amymore!!??

Do you understand what i mean??

Is it possible that maybe "you" can become am inspiration? to soo many lifes in your cirlce,, and then some? Look at the possiblity that exists, let's say your marriage heals,, i wonder - would it be possiblle that that could leave even one other couple inspired?? ????????????

Have a wonderful and glorious day,,

stever

<small>[ November 30, 2004, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

JL,
Thanks for the reply. I am not exactly sure what advice i am looking for either. I have a very well developed support structure that has been with me from the beginning. I have been through countless hours of counciling and even therapy and it has helped me a great deal. My post is an attempt to gain as many outside perspectives on my situation to try and gain some further clarity for myself. I too am very pro marriage, as i was married and widowed at a young age. I hold the vow of matrimony very sacred.

One of the very first things that crossed my mind was that she was having an affair with this man because it is one of her co-workers. This man was also getting out of a long term relationship at that time and during our separation, they apparently were seeing alot of each other and spending the weekends together, ect, ect. But, she continues to deny infidelity on a physical or emotional level. Half of me believes her, and half of me does not. Her actions dictate the half of me that doesn't.

'She wanted her cake and eat it too'. If I had a nickle for everytime someone has said that to me, I could buy my own island. I realize that she is using me for what she can not get out of BF. From what she has told me about him, he is apparently lacking in some of the areas that I am not and I see that she just wants 'pieces of me'. I think my downfall is that in some ways I enable her in that respect.

She has not come out and said she wants to reconcile, that much is true. Her comments were that she was very sorry for the way she left and how she handled it, that I did it the right way. She also said she believes she made a big mistake leaving me and she feels like she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with me. The next part of the conversation was about how 'people' break up and get back together, even after longer periods of time than we have been apart, and how we would have to go about it, slowly with professional help. She supprised me with this, so given my personality type (I process very slowly and I tend to be an intravert), I didn't really say much.

She has not come out directly and told me she that still loves me, and from what I can acertain from the problems in her relationship with BF, she has not changed at all and in fact, there are some new problems that we did not encounter. In my opinion, she has not learned anything yet and she really needs to get a lot of things straightened out for herself before she will ever be succesful again in a relationship. And the challange is that she refuses to go to any type of counciling.

On the subject of divorce: Why did I not file? I wanted to and almost did a few times, but we talked about waiting for the 18 month no-fault, and i agreed to wait, and I will. All of the property has been settled out via contracts and separation agreements, so there really is nothing left in that realm.
Why did she not file if he was not the love of her life? Good question. Don't exactly know, but I know this; for one, she is not the most proactive person when it comes to these matters, or any matters, where she has to take her time to complete, which, in my opinion, was one of the major flaws in the marriage. I was the bread-winner and the 'house wife'. After work, I would take care of all of the daily chores, cleaning, cooking, laundary, ect.. She works two jobs, by choice, and would be very tired when she would come home, and she would either work on stuff for her job or watch soap operas or the yankees. The other reason is probably health insurance. Neither of her jobs offer it and it is againt the law to cancel her until we are legally divorced. It has cost me a lot of money to stayed married to her.

I have to tend to agree with you that there is no marriage to go back to and if I did as it stands right now, I beleive the neglect would continue. Filing for D is going to be very sad for me. I know I have to gain that closure, though, since I have already moved on with my life.

Thanks again, and God Bless.

SAMM

Stephan; Thank you for your reply, I greatly appreciate it.

I feel like she played me, too. I do believe in TRUTH:"What is, is. What is not, is not. No amount of wishing or wanting can change that simple fact".
Being a student of life, many of the philosophies and teachings of the ages have enlightened me. I too am against Dv. That is one of the reasons that I haven't filed yet. I was in a holding pattern to see if maybe I could save this M. However, so much time has past and I have grown through enlightenment, changed, and she has not only 'not' changed, but has gotten worse and more lost in herself. In all honesty, if she wanted to reconcile, I beleive she would want to reconcile with the old me. We have been separated so long, she really doesn't know who I am any more.

Future relationships will be slow to come. I will wait until all of this passes and I feel I am ready. That is the only fair way for either party involved. In my opinion, I haven't turned my back on my W. I have been there for her every step of the way during this. I have done all I can for her, and now the only one who can help her, is her. Sad, but true and I do understand what you mean.

Becoming an inspiration would be a great thing. But I also firmly believe that discretion is the better part of valor. When things are done and over, and you are no longer being constructive, then it is time to make changes and meet the chalange. When is enough, enough?

I appreciate your input.

God Bless

SAMM

Samm,

Sounds like the 18 month point is coming up and you have your plans laid out. I think that is good. Unless something drastic changes there really is no need to continue with someone who has behaved as she has done. I would strongly encourage you to stop being her "friend" once the marriage is in fact over. You really don't need friends like that.

If she does decide to change and work on things well... then perhaps there is a decision to be made who knows.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

I go out on a limb here by saying this but as a [formerly] "confused" female myself I can understand why your wife never filed for divorce; she isn't ready and from the sounds of it..neither are you. The easy thing for anyone viewing this situation is to instantly say it is over, you were played, there is too much damage to reconcile. But I offer my own personal testimonial from a woman's point of view: despite our positively STUPID, selfish and inexplicable actions, we sometimes truly can't see the forest for the trees . In my case, I was eyeball deep in a midlife crisis that hit me from left field and 3 years later when it finally released me from its wicked grip I felt like I had been in a bad nightmare. I still look back in shame, disgust and absolute horror at some of my actions and selfish behavior. However, even though my warped brain had taken over my heart never stopped loving my H. Through a long-term affair and a long list of cold, selfish (regrettable) actions my heart fought against my head to finally regain control of my true self and the part of me that never stopped loving my H is still alive and strong.

I don't know your wife so I would caution you to tread lightly and keep your heart guarded until you (and she) knows for sure she is past whatever crisis had gripped her soul. Try dating again or counseling; go back to square one to see if you can rebuild. If she can't wait...then maybe you both need to consider your options.

JMHO
Bluesy

JL,

The 18 month point is aproaching quickly and I do have a plan... keep moving forward with my life and do what is best for me. I learned that if you can't take care of yourself, it is almost impossible to take care of anyone else. I have accepted the reality that we probably will not remain freinds after the D unless she makes some changes in herself. It would make me very happy to see her grow because I still do care about her very much. It is very sad for me to see her hurting, but I also remember the emotional distress that I was going through at this time last year while she seemed to be having the time of her life.

I truely appreciate your input. Your point of view has been very beneficial. Have a great holiday and God Bless...

Samm

Bluesy,

Thank you for your response. Your point of view is helpful. Maybe she is in a mid life crisis. She probably isn't ready to face D, as you say. I have tried to get her to seek some conciling, but she has said that doesn't think that would help her. I would be very open to it, however, since it has helped me a great deal. As far as dating, the last time she communicated with me, she was still living with her BF and I am not sure if she is open to that option being in that situation. I will sit patiently until the 18 month point, and see what happens in between that time, but I need to still maintain my current plan of action. I really hope she does figure out what is gripping her and I hope she can grow, for her own good.

Thank you so much for your insight.

God Bless

Samm