This is my first time posting here but have visited the forum in the past. I have read many posts and wanted to respond but can never seem to find the words. My story is no different than many others seen here and my hurt no less painful. I am MF with one D. I have been married 14 years...lived with H 4 years as fiance prior to marriage. We had a truly unique relationship with friendship and respect at the very core of everything. 4 years ago H accepted a job promotion and we relocated from my small home town to the city where H was raised. I love our new home and location but it has been down hill for our marriage since we got here. The short version... after only a few months of the move I entered into some strange mid-life crisis (I am 40ish <wink>) and ended up having my first affair. It was a one time thing but an awful exprience as it left me feeling completely undesirable and unwanted. Now to be fair I have to add that my H had endured the very painful loss of his father to cancer just a year prior and had, himself, entered into a totally horrible place of pain and grief often taking his anger and bitterness out of me and my daughter. Despite my best efforts to console, comfort and, before the affair, "warn" him that his behavior was tearing us apart, he continued to be mean and spiteful. So affair number one. Yes, it gets worse. Since nothing had changed in the marriage I sought comfort from yet another affair which ended up lasting for the past 3 years. I thought I had found a way to "survive" until my H could return to himself. (I still ask myself "what was I thinking??")

Anyway, H found out and is crushed. We have tried to reconcile for the past year with no luck. He can't accept what I did and I can't offer enough remorse to satisfy him. Last month when I thought things were truly over for our marriage I just couldn't take the loneliness anymore and called up the man I had the affair with. He lives in another state but has traveled to see me 3 times now. At first I enjoyed the companionship and comfort but after this last trip, nothing feels right. The truth is... I still love H, always have and always will. He knows that but is convinced that (especially after recent events) our marriage is over and we need to move on. Lastly, we still live together in the same house (separate rooms). We are civil and sometimes even feel the occassional fondness we once had for each other. I am completely willing to work at this to rebuild our marriage but H says that even though he still loves me it is too late and doesn't want to give me false hope. On that final note...he won't commit to filing for a divorce just yet because he isn't quite sure.

I come here to ask for your objective opinion(s); after all we have endured, the pain we have suffered...is it really too late?

Bluesy

Bluesy,

Short answer...NO! It is not too late. I would strongly urge you to get two books His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair by Harley, and I would strongly urge YOU to get some counseling right now. Your solution to marital problems IS NOT ACCEPTABLE and you know it. Somehow you have given yourself permission to lie, cheat, and steal from your H and your family. Whatever has given you that permission needs to be addressed and soon.

I don't have much time but please do the reading of the articles here and bring your H so that even if he divorces you he will understand it better.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you for the sound advice. Where do I find these articles?

Bluesy,

Not sure which articles are being referred to. There are articles on this Marriage Builders website about infidelity and a lot of other good info. Just go back to the main home page and then check out the things under "basic concepts", " Q & A", or "Articles". Lots of really good reading there.

As for the books, my local library had HN/HN, but I had to purchase SAA at Barnes & Noble. Although I was ultimately too late for HN/HN and my marriage is now over, I have recommended the book to both my sister and a coworker.

As for "too late", it's never too late. I filed for DV on my WH about 1 1/2 years into his first affair and really thought I hated him because of the way he was treating me, flaunting it in my face. Yet things changed and I ended up stalling the final date twice, and finally called it off, and we were together another 13 years. The demise of our marriage, by the way, had nothing to do with his first affair, or mine. His reasons for finding OW: the kids didn't respect him, the house was never clean, I worked to late in the evening, I changed from the person he married (yep, I don't party and get drunk), and he was just 'existing'. Nothing mentioned about the affairs.

LL