My last post has run it's course so this is a new one. My wife left another message on my voicemail. In it she tells me to call her and that we need to talk. I finally got the message (after losing the phone in town) I decided to call her after I ate. Well she could not wait that long so she called the number of the house I am staying. She then tells me that she had opened my E-mail and found a message from e-harmony.com. I did go to the site just for the free profile but nothing else. She was very upset that I had been on the site. All of this is after she told me to start seeing other people. I am confused now- first she tells me to see other people, now she is mad that I have gone onto a site and gotten a profile done. I will not advertise myself as single yet because I am not plus it is against their rules (makes sense to me!). Even if I had gone on looking for another why should it bother her after she told me to see others? I am really beginning to think that all of this is just her trying to get something from me and I am really starting to get tired of this. If she wants to work on this let's work on it, if she wants the divorce go get it! I do not want it so I am not going to go out and try to get it for her- I mean really who does she think I am? I will not give up until the papers are out of my hand and signed but SHE WILL have to get the papers! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ahhh...the wrath of a woman. <smile> As a woman myself I believe your W is having second thoughts. I can relate. She tells you to move on then gets upset when you do. What she was really saying was...if you REALLY love me...then FIGHT for me. I did the same number on my H. (Jury is still out on whether we will make it; it's not looking so good so far <sigh>).

Women tend to want to take the higher ground and make statements they don't mean deep down. At least not if they truly still care and have doubts about divorce.

Anyway, that's JMHO. Good luck and hang in there. You're right...it's not over yet!
Bluesy

I htink you are right about her. She actually told me that she had wanted to come back but I had messed up and then she wanted to leave again. Now I need to figure out just how she wants me to approach this taking her back/coming back to her thing. Any Ideas?

How do I go about fighting for her? She has given me no information that I can use to take control of any part of this situation execept for her telling me to go get the divorce filed. I am not going to get any papers filed if she wants that she will have to get them. For now I just have no clue as to what to do next. This is starting to look pretty hopeless. All I have been told is that she wants to have nothing to do with me but now out of the blue she seems to be getting protective? Is she out of her mind? I can hold on as long as anybody and most likely longer but this seems to be getting out of hand. If she wants freedom she can have it, if she wants marriage she can have that too (the 2 concepts are not completely incompatible! or are they?) I am just too confused to think right now I guess. I am starting to really think that divorce is not what is really on her mind but I cannot get her to give up the truth. All I want to do is sit down and hammer all of this out so we can both get on with our live. She just can't go forever without eating and I cannot hang in limbo forever. This has to come to a head sometime and I hope it is soon......

You are new to the MB site.
Have you read all of the concepts on the site?
if you want to salvage your marriage, MB gives you the tools. The key is to make changes in yourself to become a better person and a better spouse.
It's your choice, and you can have a marriage better than you ever imagined.
Read, read, read.
Find out what her top emotional needs are, and if you love her, begin to meet her needs. And if she still loves you, she will begin to meet yours.
The key is that communication is necessary to determine each others key needs.

Good Luck.

Hi. Just stopped by to see what was happening out there and I saw what was going on.
I've been there. Basically what she's wanting you to do is be her knight in shining armour. And I found out a long time ago, that just doesn't happen. Men don't look at relationships the same way women do. Women think if you give a man permission to go out and do something that might hurt you and they refuse and come back and let you know that's not what they want to do, then that means they care. Well, certainly that's true, but men don't generally use that abstract reasoning in relationships. From what I've seen, they like things straigt forward - tell me exactly what to do and I'll do it. Unfortunately that can be carried too far too. I've been there too.
The best thing that can happen is for the two of you to sit down and be honest (putting pride aside - the Bible tells us that pride goes before destruction) with each other telling each other what you want. If she wants to stay with you, then she has to be willing to swallow her fairy tale pride and let you know. And of course you have to let her know that a divorce is not what you want, that you still want ot work on things ( which could be what she is waiting to hear - maybe there are some insecurities there about you "wanting" her)- I've definetly been there before.
The big thing is, the two of you are going to have to learn to be honest about what you want and let each other know. Without that any marriage will fail - sooner or later. Then, when you two come up with a situation where what the two of you want doesn't quite line up, you're gonna have to back off, brainstorm, and come up with something that you can both agree on enthusiastically.
Go let her know what you want, and tell her that you're waiting for her to tell you what she really wants. Tell her that the ball is in her court once you've let her know what you want. That's the only way she'll kick in and do her part in this too - and it won't make her feel like she's worthless. That's what my xH always tried to do to me.
Good Luck and God Bless You Both!
Becki

Just an update for today. She has not called at all as far as I can tell. Finally a day without her yelling! I fell free and miserable all at the same time...... This whole situation is just insane. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well I was wrong! She did call! But olny to complain again. This time the internet connection is out and she won't call the cable company I "have to because it is in my name" really it is because she does not want to call. She is afraid of talking to any sort of company on the phone for some reason. Any time something is wrong with anything I have to call because she does not want to! And she complains about me being dependent on her! Better call the company and find out what happened this time...... Why won't she call them? They will help her she has all of the info they need to confirm who I am and who she is so what is the big deal? This is driving me up the wall! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well just another update! I am heading home on sunday and I can't help but feel like I am jumping from the pan into the fire. Wife called and asked in a very sing-song voice when I would be getting home. I almost decided to not go home again but Canada was just so cold. I have no idea what kind of storm I am driving into but I have cleared my head and at least I know what I want. I think she is just trying to get me to be violent or something like that so she can leave without any guilt. I am NOT going to giver her that little present. I have worked too hard to cope with my violent temper to give in to her now! Wish me luck!! (I can't help but think that I really will need it.......) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sorr to run on likethis but another update is in order. I have returned from my trip and strangely there was no big fight when I got home just pzza and a movie! I had a great evening with her (even though she slept through the movie) After the movie I went to sleep. When the alarm went off she came into our room and went to sleep next to me. She could have gone into the computer room and used that bed but she chose to come to our room. As she climbed into bed she stated that since I would be going to work soon it would be safe for her to be in our bed. What gives here? She really seems to be on the fence about all of this. To add to all of this people at her work are starting to talk about her and another situation on the home front is just breaking my heart (involve children that are not ours). I am still very,VERY confused. Has anyone else had this sort of confusion? If so any advice on what is going on would be great! I just am having a hard time trusting my gut feelings on this because they have been so wrong before.

Confused,

I see some similarities between your wife and mine. Think about it. If she won't call the cable company to complain about something, how likely is she to go to a lawyer and get everything done to get a divorce?

My wife got lost driving to her laywer's office (she's afraid to drive anywhere new) and never tried again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She talks about the possibility of divorcing me and marrying OM as if it were a discussion of which washing machine to buy. (She doesn't expect me to be upset by it.) But, when she said said, "well, if we divorce, you will have learned some things about women at least"... and I replied, "Yes, now I know there are a lot of lonely women out there and I won't be afraid to ask them out" she got a little upset. I think your W's response to the eharmony thing was out of the same mold.

-AD

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: AD ]</small>

sounds pretty close to me! Last night she again told me that I had messed up. I went to Vt to clear my head and now she tells me that I went to an "extreme" an that she cannot take it anymore. She told me also that she had been thinking about coming back to me until I left for Vt. This is the third time that she has told me that I have messed up and made her not want to come back. My wife has talked to someone in a lawyers office but not the lawyer. My wife seems to think that if she changes her mind now that it would show weakness. I am starting to think that this may be the only reason that she seems to still want a divorce. I have to go but somebody please let me know if you have had any of this type of trouble. I need all the help I can get, but for now I guess I am just on hold.... (Just to add she called me while I was typing this to tell me about something funny that the cat did. That is an extreme from last night to this?) WHAT GIVES? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am worried that she thinks that I can just stop loving her whenever I feel like it. I just don' think that I am going to be able to be friends with her after this because I am certain that I will still be in love with her. I will never be able to look at her as "just a friend" because we are so much more. Last night was just cruel for me. She was just in a good mood and feeling playful and I told hher that she looked great. She took this as "show me more". Now you have to keep in mind hat I have not really seen her in a week and that I truly lust after her. I new that I had to control myself but instead of leaving well enough alone she had to go a little to far. I was walking away telling myself that anything I were to do would be rape and that I could not do that. She heard me and walked to me with her eyes gleaming and I snapped. I was shaking with fear and lust as I gently but quickly grabbed her and backed her against the wall. She was smiling for a while until she saw that I was shaking and obviously very upset then she got scared because she was not shure what I would do. After a while of just holding her and being in contact with her I let her go and left the room for a while. This was the single most emotional time of my life. I truly wanted her and would have done anything to have her. The sad part is that she added t this in the beginning and she became totally irresistable to me. I have not been able to get my mind off of her and her solution to this problem was to tell me to "just go pay for it". I would never do that. I have to be in love to be intimate with someone and she is the only woman I have ever been in love with. I am not ready to say goodbye to her yet. She has gotten some legal info but she has not talked to a lawyer yet. I will see if she does that today or not. I just can't belive that she is doing this to me. All I want is to be happy and to be with her, everything else is totally secondary. Please pray for us I need all the help I canget with her. I love her too much to simply let her go. I cannot let her go that quickly and I won't let her go from my heart that quickly. I just need some hope here because it seems that everything I do just make this worse. I have stopped talking to everybody but my family and I only talk to them because they have a right to know. She is breaking my heart and it hurts so. much I don't know how I am even able to get up in the morning.

Confused,

Don't believe anything that she said. Be honest to yourself, if you didn't leave for that vacation, do you think those couple days would be any difference from before? I got slapped in the face so many times as well, metaphorically speaking.
My wife (or soon to be xwife) gave me all kinds of craps as well. I would recommend that you continue to be nice to her and don't say or think about too many negative stuffs. My wife has a lot of similarities with yours.

As for my situation, I'm just tired of trying to be a doormat for so long. It's a two way streets. Be strong and get some books to find yourself and try to be happy.

My still said "I will always love you", but behind my back, she has or probably still do, seeking for attention or have feelings for another person. It's just wrong.

They need to grow up! I'm trying to forgive myself, her, and the other man. And think from the positive side, we still have a long beautitful life ahead of us. It's just a bump in our journey and it will only make us stronger.

Well I do know at least that there is no other man but that does not help the pain that I am going through. I can't believe it might be over. My heart and some of her actions tell me that there is a chance we could come out of this but hope is starting to run low. She is the only woman I have ever been this close to and for her to just abandon me right when I need her the most is heartbreaking. I am really starting to hurt here and I don't know if I can get through this. This site is the only real help I have right now I am unable to talk to others about this stuff because she may hear of it and that would only make this worse. How do you handle this pain? All I can think of is her eyes, her hair, her laugh, her smile, and all of those talks we had. I can provoke tears on cue just by thinking of these things and worse, I can't stop thinking about these things. What is my next move? What do I do to prove to her that I am able and willing to change my bad habits? How do I convince her that I am telling the truth? How do I talk to her without invoking the wrath of her fear? How do I fix this?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I have to get her back!

Here's the funny thing. The more you try to please her, the more she will reject you.

While I was w/ my wife, I tried in any possible ways to please her. In the end, she's still miserable and consequently leads to another separation.

During my five months away, I do nothing for her and just live my life. Out of nowhere, she called and tried to be nice to me by saying such as "I love you" and "I miss you" and waiting for me at my place. J

The more you try, the more she will push you away.

Do you own thing (no messing around w/ anyone of the opposite sex- watch yourself; you're very vunerable at this stage), and when she's ready she will be crawling back.

Well she is already trying to test me a bit I suppose. Last night we had a real talk- not an arguement but a talk. I explained that since I was the one that had broken her trust that I should be th first one to show trust in her. This is after she came to me and asked what I would expect/want if we were to get back together. During this talk she really listened to me for the first time in years. Another thing that was totally out of place is that she went out of her way to tell me that my sex life was my own business and she did not care. She tells me this after she gets mad last week about a dating service email (I just got the profile honest!). I am still a little confused but for now she is staying at home and sleeping in the living room. Last night I came home to find her totally wiped out asleep on my side of the bed. I did tell her that what was said in that room last night would stay in that room so I fell strange about writing this but it is a potential breaktrough so I fealt that I could share some of it (just a teeny bit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) Let me know if you have any opinions about this one.

Just one more not if I have not already said this . My wife told me that she did go out on one "date" with a man she works with. She regrets it though because he started all kinds of rumors and spread them around the store. She also told me that she wiil not be dating anybody for quite a while so at least I can rest easy not that. The awful part is I liked the guy that did this (so much for the trust in other men). I am very sorry that she had to learn that lesson so soon, I really wish she had been given a better chance. Even if I could have lost her to another at least I would know that it was truly her decision.

"she went out of her way to tell me that my sex life was my own business and she did not care."

What she means is she doesn't feel "turn on" especially w/ her depression. Of course, she cares, but not now. Likely, your wife is more into the emotional needs right now and reassurance that she's making the right decision by staying with you.

"She also told me that she wiil not be dating anybody for quite a while so at least I can rest easy not that."

I only hope that's going to be the case for you man. My wife said the same thing, but I found out during our separation, her will was not stong enough. Action speaks louder than words. You can't do anything, just accept her words and trust her, and be kind to her. Try your hardest to make it work. if it doesn't, you can at least you can say that you have tried.

Good luck -