Hi~I just found this site; I just need someone to talk to. I left my husband several years ago..his work hours gave us no time together, and I mean virtually no time..I was home alone with our 5 young children...became severely
depressed...along came this guy who knew just what I wanted to hear; convinced me that my husband didn't love me or he wouldn't be gone all the time etc. etc....so I left him for this 'new' love. Well that didn't last all that long...I always felt it wasn't right, and wanted to be back with my husband. I went back with husbands promise of making time for us...that lasted about 3 weeks so I left again!! This time for me...got my own house etc. After a couple years apart I filed for divorce. He has since had a girlfriend but that relationship didn't last either. We have now been in divorce court for 2 years. Recently we have been talking alot because our oldest daughter is giving us alot of problems. I feel we have both changed so much for the better in these past years...and I find myself having alot of feelings for him. I am not being pushy, and have not mentioned a possible reconciliation....he is so stubborn, and I hurt him so deeply, I honestly don't think he would want to try...but he has been very nice to me lately. I find that he brings up the past way to often, which could pose a real stumbling block, as I could start from today and move forward. I'm so confused right now...the last thing I would want would be to pursue this (which is what my heart is telling me to do)...and have it not work. I never want to hurt this man again, but I truely believe we are meant to be together.

I really can't say too much because I have only been out in the cold for a short time now, but here goes! As a husband who has had his wife leave I can say that making a quiet attemt at getting back together would be very good as long as everything gets put on the table. He will have to learn not to bring up the past (one of my major troubles as well) as often if ever. I do not know any more details about your situation than you gave of course but it sound like you really will have to be very cautious of what is said. Try a few small dates or something like that to feel out the conditions before you jump in. I am sure you could come up with a reason or two to get together that would not threaten him. I hope for the best for you and your children. I hope maybe this helps you out some. If this does not help there are alot for other here that probably could help more. I have only been married for 3 years and have no children (I really want them though) so this is about all I can give. Hope it helps! One more thing- it is never too late to try, even after the papers are signed and everything is final it is still possible to work on the relationship.

Hi nancy

just like confusedWv said, it's never too late.

in fact, it is happening more and more, and not only is it never too late, it also can be much more easier than most are aware?

Once broken, it can be mended much stronger.

I'm wondering, is it possible that he forgave you? and maybe even forgot?

Give a dose of honesty, first share your thoughts, maybe he's scared, confused, uncertain,, afterall, you left him twice, right?

You said you' ve been talking alot,, is it ever intimate? is it restricted to ust the daughters issues?

Maybe you can even try him out, with some small thoughts,,, it is worth a try, IMO.

It is possible that he may be being nice, just for the children's sake,,..??

My W left me Feb. 2003, for another man, and she too was not involved into the M, or the childrens wants,,, yet, to this day she knows that i want a reconciliation.

after a few months of her first A, she then became involved with another,,, again, she still knows where my mind/heart is.

You said you left him twice,, are you aware of what your wants/needs are?
Your H apparently missed meeting/fulfilling them,, and i wonder if the possibility exists, you missed meeting/fulfilling his,,??

It's really easy to reconcile, just explore, be creative, and take small baby steps,,

i'm no expert, i only wish/want to help. and i opted to share some of my thoughts, and situation, from a guys perspective.

stever

Hi again,
Thanks for the responses...I was actually hoping to get a man's prospective on this.

In response to you Steve...'usually' we are just talking about the kids...but then it wanders off into just plain talk for a bit. I casually mentioned that i thought we had both changed alot, and 'who knows..maybe we actually like each other'.....he said that he wouldn't be too quick to make the same mistake twice. I agreed with him, and just continue being nice. He sends me mixed signals very often.

In our marriage, all I really wanted was his compansionship/love. His hours were terribly long (self employed), and I understand that he was out supporting his family....but that doesn't do much good when there isn't much of a family left. He would often buy me 'things'...and I always said I appreciated them, but really just wanted time with him. I would have done anything for him. He would often come home at 10/11pm and I would never feed him leftovers...always made a meal from scratch...and this was after being up half the night and trying to keep my sanity caring for 5 babies during the day!! We never did anything together...and once a year HE would go away with his hunting buddies..because HE needed a break!! I used to tell him that if there wasn't some kind of change, I was going to leave. Well when I did...he told me that he never believed me; just thought I was blowing off steam!! Then, after the fact he said he knew something was wrong (when my depression was getting way out of control), and he didnt' know what to do..so he sarted working even longer hours!!! I don't know...he is the most stubborn hard headed man I've ever met...I'm probably setting myself up to get hurt this time...but I have never stopped loving him....

Nancy,

i only have a minute here, on my way to church, seen your reply and wanted you to know i'll get back to you later.

The two of you are not together right now - right?
Are either of you involved? with somebody else?

is there snything else you can share?

i will get back with ya,,

stever

"STANDING"

Hi,
No, we are not together right now. We've lived aparate for almost 3 years now.
As far as I know he is not seeing anyone at the moment...but I can not say that for sure. I am not with any one,

Nancy,
i'm wondering if maybe a big dose of radical honesty would do wonders,,??

Reading your post, it's obvious, as with most marriages, neither one of you knew what the others true needs were, as i'm left wondering that maybe neither of you knew what your "own" needs actually were. Or maybe didn't really understand, to the exact extent/depth????

Your H saying what he did about making the same mistake twice,,, can you blame him? Would you want to make that same mistake twice?

Share with im your true desire, and intentions,,

Do "you" want your family together? The way it should be? and needs to be? In the biblical sense, the way God designed a true family to be?

Educate yourself, and always continue to,, there are no guarantees,, but what you say and or do, can improve your chances.

as i'm running out the door, i will catch you later this eve,, sorry i didn't get back sooner,, caught up in some personal issues, trying to get info so i can recieve child support, w/o having to file for Dv.

Have you apologized to him,, and asked him to forgive you? Have you accepted, and felt his pain?

I'm curious, would he be interested in learning/educating himslef, so he to wouldn't think/feel anything more about the same mistake??

All relationships require a lot of work, some more than others, some less as well, but they all require work. They can be hard,, yet, once we educate and acquire understandings, they can become much easier.

Maybe you can print out the questionare about ones needs,, or purchase Dr. Phils book, Relationship Rescue, not sure what all is avail here at MB anynmore,, so sorry MB folks,, not trying to take away from here,,


Nancy, there are those who can't/won't forget or forgive once they feel that certain betrayal, some want to remain feeling the vistim, others will only leave, some will want to know all details, others will only "let it be."

with me, it hurt to the most inner core possible, but i forgave, (haven't quite forgot) but i placed it behind us, I don't even want to know any of the details, other than whats required, so that it won't happen again,, ?? and other than that,, why>? What and where was i missing,,,

stever

I'm still "STANDING IN THE GAP."

Nancy,

Your H is stubborn???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and you are NOT?? Not so sure about that. I would like to offer you several pieces of advice and then ask a few questions if you don't mind.

First piece of advice is to post in the General Questions section, there is much more traffic there and you will get more responses although the ones you have gotten so far are very good.

Second, use the searh function here and look for a poster by the name of Hopeful_Person. I think both names are capitalized but the Person may not be. She had an affair that lasted 4 years. She and her H separated after she forced him from the house essentially about two years into the A. The divorce become finally just as she was ending her affair. She spent over a year at this site working on getting back with her H who showed no interest in being with her really.

There are many posts but the end of the story is that they did remarry.

I offer you this story for your consideration because I think you will see many things in her posts and feeling that will cause you to think about things in a different manner.

I would strongly urge you to read the articles here on NEEDS, the Love Bank, Love Busters and such. IT may well help you see things differently.

Now for the questions.

1. Does your H see the kids often?

2. Is he still working the hours he worked before?

3. If so, what has changed in you, that you would tolerate this now?

4. Do you see changes in your perspective of him as a father, husband, man, human being?

5. Do you feel you have changed in ways that might make things better between you two?

6. Why are you two not divorced?

7. When you left your H did you take the kids and did they live with you and OM?

8. Have you ever expressed regret for your decisions to him?

9. Nancy, is your H a nice guy?

I look forward to your answers which I am sure lead to more questions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Do some reading and look for H_P's threads. They will being interesting reading.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Nancy,


Now for the questions.

1. Does your H see the kids often?

2. Is he still working the hours he worked before?

3. If so, what has changed in you, that you would tolerate this now?

4. Do you see changes in your perspective of him as a father, husband, man, human being?

5. Do you feel you have changed in ways that might make things better between you two?

6. Why are you two not divorced?

7. When you left your H did you take the kids and did they live with you and OM?

8. Have you ever expressed regret for your decisions to him?

9. Nancy, is your H a nice guy?

I look forward to your answers which I am sure lead to more questions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Do some reading and look for H_P's threads. They will being interesting reading.

God Bless,

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi JustLearning...thanks for your response.
Let me start by trying to answer your questions.

1. Yes, he see's the kids every weekend. If is is going to be home during the week for some reason, he is welcome to see them then also. This is one good thing that came out of this huge mess...he finally spends time with our kids!

2 & 3. From what I see...sometimes he works late, but on the whole is now home much earlier than he used to be. How have I changed that I could tolerate his hours better? Well to begin with, I used to 'think' that it was his job to keep me happy etc...I have 'matured' way beyond those feelings. I can take care of myself..and have learned to 'like' myself as well.

4. As a father...he is now there for them. Maybe not Mr. Cleaver so to speak, but I think he does his best. As a husband...I can't answer that question. I do know though...this really hurt me...that after our split...he had a girlfriend for awhile..and he was always there when she wanted him to be. He managed to find time for them to go out...and even managed to take time off from work to go away with her. Not once during or marriage (16yrs at the time) did he & I ever go away anywhere. When I left...he did say that he knew then that he was a terrible husband/father, and should have been there for us. I would imagine this was why he found time for her....??

5. Oh yes...I have changed alot..for the better I hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> As I said earlier...I used to think he was suppose to make me happy!! I don't think neither one of us had a clue that you actually have to 'work' to keep a marriage going!! We both grew up in a single parent home (my father died before I was 3, his parents divorced), so we had no 'teachers' so to speak. I have gained a sense of security with myself. I want someone to 'share' my life with me...not sustain me!

6. Why aren't we divorced? Because it has been in the court system for so long!! Always delayed for one reason or another....

7. When I left...the kids came with me...but me alone. There was no longer anyone else. I wanted to go to counselling with my husband, but he wouldn't go. Unfortunatly he is the type who feel's couselling is a sign of weakness...just as he viewed my depression problems <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

8. Yes...I expressed regret way back when....
9. His he a nice guy? I think he is......

I really don't think I'm that stubborn though...why did you say that? I'm probably too flexible...I often don't speak up just to avoid problems. Something I still do...but try to speak up most of the time now.

that's all I have time for for now...just wanted to try & answer your questions. Thanks again...

Nancy,

You asked why I thought you were stubborn. Well, go reread your post as if a friend had given it to you and then see if you don't sense someone here that wanted what she wanted and went for it no matter what. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I asked you these questions for a simple reason, I wanted to see where you were with respect to your feelings. I wanted to see if you truely had it in you to work through this and heal your marriage. Your answers suggest that you do. Further, if you decide you want to do this, you will NEED to be stubborn...in a nice way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

From your answers it would appear that your H has learned some from this as well and he has changed. People who get hurt as deeply as he did often do one of two things: they learn from it and try to be a better person, or they withdraw and become more of the person they were.

I would also like to point out that as he has gotten older, he is more secure in his job, his company and his financial future. You may not appreciate this but the SINGLE most scary thing to me about having children was the thought that I might not be able to provide for them. I am guessing a lot of his working hours had to do with this fear of failure.

So having said all of this, permit me to offer you a suggestion. If you feel you could love him and that you would like his company in your life, and you would like to share your life with him, then...GO FOR IT. Yes, there are things to overcome including his distrust, but Nancy there is a reason your divorce has taken so long. It is really simple. Neither of you really wanted to get this divorce. Either of you could have pushed it through much faster, found different attorney's , you name it. Neither of you did that.

This suggests to me that deep down you both would like this to work out. Why don't you looking him straight in the eye and scare him to death. Tell him you want him in your life and you would like to be his W again. And here is where the stubborn part comes in, you have to be relentless, not in pushing but in not getting discouraged as you work through all of the issues and pain.

You don't have to solve this NOW, but you can solve it. I would like to suggest that among the articles you read about the two main policies here. The policy of "radical honesty" and the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. They are the tools by which you can rebuild this marriage. Harley also discusses four rules for a good marriage. You have seen them in different forms and words in many places and they are common sense, but read them here and see what you think.

Given the actions taken and the actions not taken, I suspect there is hope for you to rebuild this marriage if you want to. I also think you will have to take the first steps, not just step, but steps based on how this mess reached the stage it is at now.

I hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Click on the bookmark for hopeful_person. hopeful_person
With here member number you can find the rest of her posts in the General Questions section. Here is the post that describes how all of her efforts ended H_P the results

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Just a bump for Nancy.

JL

Nancy, Have you read the Harley's, Surviving an Affair? I've lost the book, but as I recall, the main story was much like yours. It might help you and your H understand the importance of meeting emotional needs to prevent affairs as well as the love busters, love bank, and policy of joint agreement that Just Learning talked about.

First I want to say that I am so glad I found you guys! I finally feel like I can speak openly and not be judged. This is helping me so much.
I've been quiet for a couple days...thinking about by post, and reading others.
I dropped the kids off at their dads a little while ago...he actually came outside to talk!! That is a first. Then much to my suprise, he handed me a check, he said he thought I could use extra for the holidays etc!! I felt a tear in my eye...just thanked him and told him how much that will help me out right now. I really wanted to jump out of the car and hug him...but I know he doesnt' want that!! He knows that next summer I am renting a house and taking the kids away for a week (took me 2 years to save up enough!)...I said to him...do you want to come with us? He said 'no, I don't think so'...I just kept up the smiles and said...ok, but its an open invitation..you are welcome if you change your mind, after all its not until August..you never know'....he just smiled and didn't say anything else. I dropped it and just enjoyed the rest of our talk.
You know what really scares me? I've read several other posts of people saying "how do I know I won't make the same mistake again?".....I can't help but think...what if I were to finally regain his trust enough to try again...and it didn't work out!! What if if were the exact situation that put me where we are today? Maybe I should just stop with the 'what ifs?' I couldn't even imagine ever hurting this man the way I did ever again. I also started thinking today...that our 'intensive settlement conference' with the judge is next month!! Now inside I'm yelling....I don't want this divorce...!!! Of all the court dates that were postponed for whatever reason....please don't let this one come about.
Hmmmmm....I seem to be a bit emotional tonight. Can't stop thinking that he & our kids are all over at his house...and I'm here...just isn't right....we should all be together, getting ready for the holidays!!!

....one more thing...I see many abbreviations used on this board that I'm not familiar with...is there a list of their meanings somewhere...or you just learn them as you go along

Nancy,

Do you remember why I asked you the questions I did? It was to see if the "what if" could occur and from what you have said it would NOT. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Further, if you don't want the darned divorce the stop it, you can you know. Talk with your H about this. Heck pick up the phone now and ask what they are doing and see if you can join. Ok I know too much too soon.

But, when the kids come back you could invite him over one night for eggnog and cookies or something like that.

I hope you did read Hopeful_persons's posts. I think they can give you the guidance you need. But, if you do anything read the articles here about needs, love busters, the 4 rules for a good marriage, and the policies (radical honesty, and Policy of Joint AGreement, POJA.

Start to use them with him, start being more open with him. He cannot read your mind and even if he ever felt he could the events of the past years show him that he cannot so he does not try. I think he needs to know how YOU feel about things. He needs to know you are uncertain about other things.

Finally you both have dated and neither are now. Why? Part of it is you are still married and cannot commit to another person, but I think there is more as well. You might really understand your feelings on this far better than he does.

Nancy there is a way to make this work. You just need a plan, goals, and a understanding of what you NEEED, what you want, and what of these things are essential to you.

Keep posting and reading you really could rebuild, and I think your H is giving off signals that could be he is no longer hurt because he doesn't care, or he does care and the pain has subsided enough so that he can see you in a new light. Either situation can be addressed.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Yes there is a list. I is in the Just Found Out section under posts by Onegoing. Look in there.

Quick start.

Wayward Spouse, WS
Wayward Wife, WW
Wayward Husband, WH

Betrayed spouse, BS
Betrayed H, BH
Betrayed W, BW

Other person, OP
Other man, OM
Other woman, OW

D-day, day the affair was revealed.

IMHO, In my humble opinion (there are a bunch of these)

So what else?

JL