Well, my wife and I have been separated now, for a little over 2 weeks. Things do not get any easier, but they sure as hell get harder. I have had my good times and my bad, but the bad are far outweighing those of the good.

My wife suddenly decided to end our marriage very abruptly. She basically walked out and left me in the space of 2hrs, no really prior warning. We have a young son involved, who is in the middle, which really is not fair. She doesnt let me see nor talk to him as much as I would like, and since the separation she has kept saying the same things to me - 'i dont love you anymore', 'its over, has been for a long time', 'we cant be together' etc etc Her main reason for leaving was that she thought I was too controlling, even though I was fine with her coming and going as often or as little as she liked.

Since the separation, I have sent her phone messages, saying I am sorry for anything I have done, we can work on it etc etc. They are either not replied to (ignored), or replied to abruptly. Yesterday, I vented to her and basically told her how I was feeling - upset, hating her and explaining to her that I have tried everything I can to try and sort this out and get back together. This was a phone conversation, and she was on the other end ummming and ahhhing, and saying this like 'so you dont want a divorce', 'i can never come back?' etc etc. I kept running with it, and it felt really good to get it off my chest.

However, this morning I messaged her basically asking if she wanted to work on our marriage and that the decision was hers to make. She replied back saying no, it was over and only yesterday I was telling her how much I dont like her, and that i was pathetic! I just dont know how to go about it, part of me is really angry for what she has done (not only to us, but our son as well) and part of me really wants to work it out and get back together. How should I go about this, she has said all along that we are over, but then when I vent to her and tell her how I feel, she shys away and gives me a few signs she still has feelings there.

I am so confused, please help!

Confused -

I wish I could help, but I am in pretty much the same boat as you are. I came home the other day from a business trip, and after a pleasant dinner at a restaurant, my wife proceeds to tell me she wants a divorce. We have been married for 8 years, and dated for 5 years prior to marriage. Needless to say, I was blindsided. I had no idea that she was miserable, and felt abandoned. She told me not to join her and her mother on a vacation to Hawaii that we had planned. She left that night to stay in a hotel until today, when she departed for the islands.

I am hoping the time she spends thinking over the next two weeks will help her see through the hurt she is feeling right now. She was not at all interested in counseling, nor a trial separation. I think the fact that we don't have any kids made the decision easier for her.

I can't offer any advice, but I can say, "I feel for you, brother." I know the confusion, the frustration, and the pain that you are feeling right now.

TM

Hello to both posters(Confused5 and TM),

I am sorry for the change in your wives,I understand how difficult and painful that must be right now.I usually post over on the GQII board and am wondering: do either of you see signs of an affair(A)? In my experience here,when a spouse acts the way that both your wives did,it's a high probability that there may be some other man(OM) waiting in the wings.It's not always the case of course but usually when you see such a drastic switch in their reaction to you,they have "made up their minds" that some other person(OP)is the answer to their problems.

Off the top of my head,I can only think of maybe 2 or 3 people here on D/D and the other boards whose spouse left the marriage abruptly,without much of a decent explanation and where there was *not another person involved.

At this point,I would suggest that you look for signs of an affair and come over to the GQII board for a while and read and see if anything sounds familiar.TMCM(TOOMuchCoffeeMan) I think just posted a list of what to look for recently on his thread.

Anyway,I certainly hope that Infidelity is not at play here but I just wanted to put that out there as a possible cause for all the confusion and pain you are going through.It's bad enough to have this happen but then to not know why is even worse.I went through that in my own story when my WH (wayward husband) wouldn't tell me what was wrong and why he was acting different for some time.As it turns out,he was up to his neck in adultery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Good luck to both of you and Welcome to MB.This is a great place for support.Keep reading and posting.

O

Hey, Guys,

After of what I had gone through, I'm pretty sure another person is in the picture. A sudden in mood change and etc....

Sorry, to hear what you're going through. It's very painful, and I'm still living it. But I'm learning to be happy again day by day.

Yes, I am reasonably sure there is another man in the picture here. So, after reading through everything on this site, what is the best course of action? I posted a letter to my wife last night, basically saying that I cannot have contact with her while she is acting this way, and if she ever wants to talk about our marriage, I am here.

It is really hard, because our son is stuck in the middle (he is 3), and I do not get to spend nearly as much time with him as I would like.

I really do feel for you. At this time your wife may just feel that now that she's had the courage to speak up, she can't back down. The wishy-washiness is to be expected--hey it's hard for women alone. We don't make as much money as men (usually) and it'a a scary thing to be out on your own.

I DO feel for you because there's a young child involved. My advice would be to let her 'do her thing' right now and try not to be judgemental. You won't get her back with anger or trying to control her. If you're angry, post it in here or write it down--DON'T send it to your wife immediately. Most times you're sorry for what you said in the heat of anger, and it's hard to undo. Keep the lines of communication open so that you MAY see your son--don't let her use your child as a weapon! See a lawyer if you must to get visitation. Hang in there!

Well, she has not got the courage to tell me, what she is doing in her personal life. I do not ask her that much however. Sometimes when I see my son, I ask her what she has been up to, or if she had a good weekend etc. and I get no reply or just a one word answer. However, she sees it necessary to ask me what I do (which I do not have a problem with) and then when I do reply I get more than enough questions about it.

She refuses to talk about us, and thinks if she ignores it, it will go away. But like I said, I have started NC now, and will only need to speak to her regarding financial and my sons issues.

That is why I wrote her the letter to basically tell her, I am not going to get involved in her personal life, but should she wish to talk to me about us, then I will be honest and open about it.

confused5;

I feel for you, too. My W left me on what she called a trial separation, and she ended up hooking up and moving in with someone almost imeadiately. She denies infidelity, but actions always speak louder than words. It has reamined that way for fifteen months.

My only advice to you is like what EmeralLady suggested. Let her do her thing. Angry outbursts, disrepect, and demands are not effective, it only serves to push them further away, and it is very difficult to take back angry words. Stay true to yourself and use everything around you to heal yourself, because if you can't take care of yourself, it is almost impossible to take care of anyone else. Counsiling, researching, and finding myself helped me a great deal. I found out that I am not even close to being alone out here.

Good luck and hang tough.

Samm

Hey,

Same stuff happened to me. After five months of separation, she came back and tried to be nice to me, by surprising me on my birthday. And saying all those sweet stuff that I had not heard for so long: "I will always love you", Our wedding pix is so beautitful, I miss sitting on the couch with you and watch a little bit of TV at night, etc..

I was caught up into it and accepted her. Unfortunately, I was able to confirm her infedility and she finally admitted it. I couldn't control myself and started to lash out by saying such things as I don't trust you at all, etc...All she could say was It didn't mean anything and started to defended for her actions. To me she didn't really sorry for her action, and i decided to end it once and for all.

Still, I'm still tying to figure out if my decision is correct.

My advice is to refrain your anger until you know what you want or how to proceed it. It's hard.

I am just letting her do her thing, as much as it pains me to do so, I know that is what I need to do. Our conversations are always really short, and I do not mention us at all, it is always about a financial or our sons matter. Even when I bring up an important financial matter, and ask her to pay something, she gets angry or simply hangs up on me, so it seems even being civil to her doesnt work <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I guess, it would be easier on me, if she just admitted to me what she was doing (in terms of seeing someone else). I do not bring it up as I cannot control what she does in her personal life, but it would be nice to know where I stand (even though in her words - 'our marriage is over, and has been for a long time' ... our marriage hasnt even been a long time, an entire 9 months!)