I am facing a divorce after 18 years with my H. I had an affair and H found out. The affair lasted 3 years and I still have contact with the OP (although I am trying to end it). For many reasons, most of them the wrong ones, I allowed my OP to believe there was a future for us while I continued to hold hope for my marriage too. Yes, I deserve your harsh words...I have been selfish and totally insensitive to both of them. Although I don't want to discuss it in this post, I recently emerged from a lengthy "mid-life crisis" that totally flipped my world upside down. I am in counseling now dealing with that.

Anyway, I stand here looking at the trail of broken hearts and tears I have left behind and at the tattered remains of my marriage and must decide whether to fight for my marriage or let it go. My H is deeply hurt and void of emotion these days (understandably so). Yet he is still here in the house with me and I see the tiny embers of hope in his eyes. He tells me he can't forgive and can't love me as his wife again. But I don't believe that. If I look way past the hurt and the broken heart...I see that he still cares and wants our marriage to survive. If I enter into this journey...it will be a long, hard difficult battle to rebuild our marriage. I am afraid we will never be able to feel true happiness and share deep love again; that we will spend years repairing a marriage just to settle for a mediocre relationship in the end.

Please tell me...is it worth the fight?

Bluesy

Bluesy,

If you really want your marriage to work then cut the op off cold turkey. Weaning won't work. Dr. Harley says you need to move to a place where there is no chance of the two of you running into each other.
The first thing you can do is go to your H and tell him that this is what you want to do. That he means more to you than anything else there is, and that you want to do what needs to be done in order to make your marriage what it should have been all along.
Dr. Harley has a book called, Surviving An Affair; get it and read it. He needs to understand that the reason you went outside the marriage is because some of your needs were not being met. It's never one person's fault when an affair occurs. Both parties had a role to play in it, whether both are willing to accept their part in it or not. Usually it's harder for the spouse that did not cheat to understand that they did play a part in it, simply because they didn't cheat.
Anyway, get the book, talk to your H and let us know what happens form there.

We'll pray for you
jnb

Bluesy,

first thing i will say, it cut out the OP immediately, with no excuses,, write him, send an e-mail, or a card, saying that you never will, and never want to see him again,,

share that with your H, let him read it as well.

If you need to change jobs, then IMO, that too is a must,,,

Your H may be broken, filled with despair, pain and hurt,, bnut i'm wondering, what that impact would have within him, knowing that you sent that message to the OP.

What you did, was wrong, again, only sharing my opinion,, there is no excuse, althoguh it does happen. ANd there is a reason(s) as to why?

You didn't mention if there were children?? or if you did, then i missed it,, sorry. for some reason, your post isn't under my reply box,,??

May i ask you this,, what is a marriage? in your opinion, what is a marriage? what does a marriage mean to you?

Maybe then, you'll know that yes, your M is worth the fight. BE that inspiration,,,

sorry if i sound harsh, i do leave that impression often. just don't take me personal,, as i only wish/want to help

stever

Bluesy

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I still have contact with the OP (although I am trying to end it). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You cannot expect trust to even begin to mend without proving trustworthy. Any contact with OP continues to destroy trust or even the possibility of such. I know that part of my struggle has been to not have something to fall back on if what I hope for doesn't come through. I've come to recognize that as double-mindedness and a lack of the kind of integrity needed for trust to mend after serious betrayal.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I stand here looking at the trail of broken hearts and tears I have left behind and at the tattered remains of my marriage and must decide whether to fight for my marriage or let it go. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can TOTALLY relate to this. It is awful. Please get support from people who won't judge you but will challenge you to be responsible to make better choices. However things turn out in your marriage, YOU can change. But you will need help with that change and with getting through all the pain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He tells me he can't forgive and can't love me as his wife again....If I enter into this journey...it will be a long, hard difficult battle to rebuild our marriage. I am afraid we will never be able to feel true happiness and share deep love again; that we will spend years repairing a marriage just to settle for a mediocre relationship in the end. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can totally relate to this too. My wife has said the same things to me. It WILL be a long, hard, difficult battle and, like me, it may still end up in divorce or the mediocre relationship you dread. But if by battle you mean doing the right thing, it IS worth it no matter what the outcome, because it IS the right thing! It is the best thing you can do for yourself as well as your hubby (and your kids if you have any). I'd like to respond more to that whole idea of mediocre relationship but my eyelids are too heavy at the moment. Don't fall for the 'I've messed up so badly I might as well give up' lie. Be good to yourself by turning to a compassionate God who calls us to leave our self-destructive ways. Best wishes to you.

You have gotten excellent advice. I would like to add to the advice this...your actions will show your intent to your partner. Words are...just words. Put them into action. If you say you won't call the OP, then DO that. If you understand how your H is hurt and emotionally void and probably needs space and time, then GIVE IT.

If you want your M, then end it with the OP. You have been in taker mode for three years and now you are feeling what it is like being the BS with your H now contemplating ending the M.

You cannot do this without somebody being hurt. But the mere fact that in person, your H is there at home still says volumes to me. Be there and be supportive to him. Let your actions mirror your words. If you can't do this honestly, then be good to your H and let go. If you can honestly do this, then today, right now, end it with the OP. But I will add, you have a committment to your H. A biblical and legal bond. He comes first right now and his feelings imho, come before your boyfriend.

Welcome to MB and learn what you can.