My husband of 25 years quit his job and walked out two months ago leaving nothing but a note. I was coming home from being out of town and, the day before, he was warm and loving on the phone. For five days we didn't even know where he was. He left for a woman he met on the internet. They are now living together in another town.

There had been no sign of a problem, except his extreme emotional swings over the past year. But he probably is an undiagnosed bi-polar, according to our family doctor, so his moods have always swung from creative/expansive to depressed/cold. The depressed/cold side has been coming to the fore more and more since his dad died and, I guess, he started into mid-life crisis. He is also a compulsive spender, a compulsive internet troller and, quite possibly, alchoholic.

We had been to marriage counseling two years ago to deal with his personality swings and the depressive/cold side. He told the counselor one day that when he was this personality he didn't like me, didn't like the kids and didn't like being married. We worked hard on counseling and, I thought, had resolved many issues. Apparently not.

Since he left, I've discovered the depth and length of his deception and the planning involved in his leaving. I've also discovered that he has spent about $40K in the past 5 months....on something.

The compulsive spending isn't a new issue. I've been aware of it since 1996 and made a number of investments, including the kids' college funds, in my own name to protect myself and the kids' futures. Unfortunately, it now appears that I must divorce him to protect those investments because by this state's laws they could be split right down the middle if he fights me over them. H has currently agreed that I should get my investments and the house, because right now he's in his expansive side. The minute he shifts back to the other side, he'll change his mind....so I must move quickly to get the papers signed to protect myself and the kids financially.

This is so very, very hard. I've adored this man. We were so very close that we both commented many times that a relationship like ours was extremely rare. But I think he needs mental counseling that he refuses to get. So I've got to let go, even as it tears me apart.

Anyone have any words of advice or comfort?

Hi!
My situation wasn't exactly like yours, but in one way I can relate....it's really hard finding out that there are big things about your spouse that you don't know and didn't expect.

Do you have a support group of friends or a church? That helps alot when things just don't make sense.

I also ended up leaving a man who needs mental help and won't get it. It IS tough, but hang in there and it WILL get better as you realize you did the right thing in caring for yourself.

Hugs

Thanks so much for your words of support. It's been a tough few days. I'd been doing well, but as I've started to gather the documents for divorce, the bottom just dropped out. I HATE having to do this. I wish in our state that we had legal separation, but we don't. The state he moved to is worse. He changed is residency immediately, so 6 months and he could file and EVERYTHING (most if which is mine and the kids' investments) would be split down the middle with no chance of changing the outcome. These are MY retirement investments. He's inheriting a bundle.

In spite of it all, I do love him. Or, maybe I simply love the image I always had of him. I probably "enabled" him all these years, but I really didn't know what I was dealing with. It just hurts like hell.

Welcome. I don't post much but can relate to what you are going thru. I learned at my first divorce court appearance that my xh had spent over 110k on several Ow and plundered assets in vegas (30k in one weekend) and they read that aloud in court.

Yep. Secrecy is part of the script. And when you are deceptive and lying to your partner it will affect all areas of your life with that partner. If they are planning this "new life", then expect he will be financially irresponsible. What I wished I knew then was to come down on him harder and faster, with serious consequences. You are just as I was...in a tailspin wondering why and how did this happen? Just remember, some of the ws get on board that alien ship...a few come back, but alot of them just stay with the aliens...mine stayed but wished he could get off the mothership now...

Right now, sit down and take out a piece of paper. My old counselor had me do this. She had me "write a letter to my best friend and tell her what to do with a husband who spent their savings, was lying and cheating, and walked out on their kids". Problem is, you're in the middle of this crisis and you can't see or focus clearly enough to do the smart things. What would be smart? To freeze assets. Hire an attorney. Get somebody finding the 30 or 40k he's spent. Get evidentiary proof of his living with ow for court. Do all these pro active things while you at the same time get a good counselor. When I wrote that letter to my best friend, I saw what I was NOT doing. I was so consumed by what HE was doing that I didn't make the best decisions as fast as I should have done.

Right now, he's not thinking ok hon. He is not. He is a drug addicted alien. He just resembles the man you married. One of my girlfriends called it "invasion of the body snatchers" and told me to remember it whenever I see my xh. If he gets away from the aliens, he could have hope. But for now, just take good care of you and make sure you and any children are ok and not hurting as a result of his financial hijinks.

Be good to yourself. There are alot of good people here who can help you.

Thanks so much Peachy! I've been moving from the "anger" step to the "depression" step of the 5 steps of grief. The last step, I hear, but an awful one. I keep waiting for my life to be back to "normal" and then remember.

Yes, it IS invasion of the body snatchers. I've seen snatches of this strange side of him....about every 4 months or so, actually...but he learned to hide it well over the years. I knew he was having some problems at work, but I had no idea he was having problems with me. We had walked along the beach, discussing our future plans only 2 weeks before he took off. The day before he left, he called me twice to wish me a happy birthday and tell me he loved me. If it sounds nuts, it is. He told me on the phone after he left that he "never knew from day to day who would be in his head."

Fortunately, I have a picture of the depressed/cold side. He didn't even know it came through in the picture, but there it is. So, when I get sad about losing the man I loved, I look at that picture and realize, WHOA, that's one cold dude.

I'm moving along toward a fast divorce. It's nothing I want to do, but I have to do it to protect my assets and investments because, as you mentioned, he's spending money he doesn't have like water. I also have to protect myself from the debt that he'll incur. And he WILL get deeply in debt. He has agreed that I should have all the assets and my investments, since he expects a large inheritance (which he'll probably spend in no time.)

I will see him tomorrow when he comes to move our business to where he lives now. He'll bankrupt that too.
I think I'll sit down and write that letter to my best friend tonight. Thanks for the advice!

An update....WH just walked in to get some stuff to help him move the business. I looked at him and saw.......Bozo the Clown! Really! His hair was long and frizzy and sticking out of from under his hat.

Jeez! And I've been pining and crying for this joker?

My story and yours are so similiar and even our stats are very similiar...your WS is in a deep MLC much like mine and for what it's worth mine at 50 also looks like something the cat drug in...these men think by growing their hair long they are somehow recapturing something of their youth but in my WS's case he is bald on top with long hair now in the back and yes Bozo the clown would be a great analogy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .. I too am filing to protect what little assets are left for myself and family.. when there is an OW in the picture that is the only recourse you have left

Thanks for your post! I don't know what it is about men reaching 50 and searching for their "lost" youth. HE'S the one who has let himself go over these years, not me. Male mlc is an ugly thing....and they start lookin' a bit ugly too. It's not as if my H had to cut his hair a lot or that I was on him to look conservative in his appearance, but he really looks silly with his long frizzy hair, that little hat sitting on top of his head and his hawaiian shirt on. I imagine, deep in her heart of hearts, the OW thinks so too.

So......I'm going to a milanga tomorrow to see a (handsome) friend of mine dance the tango.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So......I'm going to a milanga tomorrow to see a (handsome) friend of mine dance the tango.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have some fun! you deserve it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think the advice Peachy's couselor gave is some of the best I've ever heard.

I did a lot of that through the affair, separation, and divorce. Just asked myself what I would be thinking if I were hearing my story from my sister or a good friend instead. I usually had to temper those thoughts with a little compassion, because if it had been my sister's husband (whom I love dearly, and can't imagine him doing the things my X pulled) I would have been suggesting stringing him up by various body parts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It's such a tough call if you really believe in marriage being for life. I was in somewhat the same situation - my now-X was feeling somewhat guilty, and because of that, he was willing to agree to what was fair, even though by state law he probably could have gotten a lot more. I was the one supporting us for years, while almost all of his money went... well, I really don't know where, supporting other women I guess. So what was fair was for me to keep the house. Even more fair would have been for him to take part of the credit card bills too (I mean the shared ones - he did get to keep all the ones in just his name that he built up without my knowledge.) As time went on, once the settlement papers were signed, he got rather angry about it all. He never said directly, but hinted heavily at the fact that he felt I "took advantage" of him in the settlement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I believe a lot of that came from OW whispering (hah! more like screaming from what I've seen of her) in his ear about how he should have gotten more.

I ended up getting started on the settlement agreement long before I was really committed to divorce. In fact, I didn't file for divorce, I refused. He did, eventually. I really felt that since I was the only one with a sane mind, I needed to preserve as much financial stability as possible. If he came to his senses and we got back together, he would have ended up thanking me for not letting him take us into bankruptcy. Since we didn't get back together, at least I didn't let him take me down with him.

Good luck - I know this is a hard decision to make, especially since waiting to make it could end up really costing you.

Thanks Penguin,

It means a lot to have these words of encouragement. I'm having to move so much faster with the divorce than I thought I'd have to. But a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do.

I'm quite sure he'll come to he senses and go "WTF did I agree to give her?" But, most of the investments were mine anyway and he abandoned the family, the business and everything that went with both. He even left most of his clothes. So, all I want is what's mine AND the house.

With him here for the day, we're back into a pattern of "partners" as we work on the paperwork of dissolving our corporation and getting the stuff together for the settlement. Fine. I know I'll hurt again at some point, but I've simply gotten soooo tired of dealing with the two sides of him and his deception. I'm ready to get this thing over.

As I told my sister, I've got a gangrene in my arm and I've got to cut it off before it kills me.

Yep - the way I explained it to some friends at church who helped me out (they were here to support me and be with me every time he came to get things from the house) was this:

"I feel like I just got off the Titantic before it finished sinking, but now I'm swimming like mad trying to keep the suction from the ship from pulling me down with it anyway."

They thought it was a perfect way to describe it. I'd tried repeatedly to convince him to stop his destructive behavior and work on fixing things, but he refused. And, in the process, he was building up debt, and I could see that the longer this went on, the more he'd want out of our marriage to support all this spending he was doing. I was afraid if I kept trying, and didn't protect myself, I'd find myself starting over completely at 37. I've worked too hard to build my life to do that.

In fact, I think I finally came to the conclusion that either drugs or mental illness (though what kind, I don't know) was what happened to my X. I could be wrong, but it was easier to think that than think that he could do all this without something like that influencing him.

I saw the same kinds of total changes you saw - I'd been asking him for years what was wrong, because he had seemed like something was bothering him. But he insisted nothing was wrong, and, really, the way he was acting, I figured it was just "the blahs" - nothing serious. Turned out he had been shopping around with personals on-line for a long time, and there really had been no signs of all that he was doing until fairly close to DD.

I do truly believe in the MB principles, and think that in many normal cases they can help put a marriage back together again. But I think there are cases, such as yours (and I believe mine too) where the change is so radical, and possibly influenced by other factors, such as possible BPD in your WH's case, that the normal MB path doesn't work so well.

When the WS is this destructive, I think it is vital to go into protection mode. If I had gotten him back eventually, but in the process he had devastated me financially, I think I would have lost all love for him anyway, and there wouldn't have been much of a marriage to salvage. And I'm not too sure how I would have reacted if he had wiped me out financially AND we still ended up divorced. I think I would have either been suicidal or homicidal, and I'm not sure which....

Penguin....it sounds like we were living the same life.

I first became concerned about him some 14years ago. The spending problem was always there, but didn't REALLY start getting out of control until his dad died in 2000 and he came into some bucks. All total, he's blown through about $400 thousand dollars since early 2001. It was his family money, which he kept in a seperate account, so I had no say on how he spent it. I thought SURELY he wouldn't spend it all. Silly me. He was here yesterday helping pull together financial statements for the divorce. I found out he's got about one thousand dollars left and has already run up $6,000 in debt since he left in October. He's waiting for the divorce to go through so he can get his hands on another $15,000 line of credit for the business that I'm sitting on.

I think the money is one of the reasons he left so abruptly. I think that somehow in his mind "mom" would find out that he spent it all, so he ran away from home.

Yeah, it's really, really sad when they change so completely. He had a bottle and a little shot glass in his truck last night. He's on a downhill spiral that I tried to prevent. But, like you, I've got to swim like hell away from the sinking ship.

Thanks so much for the stuff you've told me. My family, his family and our friends are totally in shock because I had never told them about his extreme moods swings, his drinking or his compulsive spending. Those problems were things I hoped we could figure out a solution to together (although I realize now that HE has to be the one who decides to find a solution....if he ever does.) Oddly, the OW is just a bit player in this drama to me. His demons are bigger than that and that's the tragedy of this whole thing.