I was taking out my christmas decor and getting ready to decorate and I find the last personalized family ornament we had fall out of a packing box. I didn't realize it was still there. And it is wierd. Suddenly I sit down (son is at dad's this weekend) and it hits me. It has almost been a year for the divorce being final. I have changed a whole lot. Whole lot. I have spent this year trying to rebuild my life and it's been a few downs but mostly ups. Have had to deal with "instant wife and baby, just add water" basically. Until september, she (former ow/now wife) tried to be basically all "in my face" and tried to put on appearances of being the superstepmom....which fell apart about 3 weeks ago after a long extended business trip overseas my xh took. For those out there who's ws has left and is setting up house with the OP, don't worry. Let them go on. Life does indeed follow the WS script.

I sat here on the floor and went thru my stuff and realized that I needed even more things to be made new. So I packed up my wreaths and some very nice decor and am taking it to the salvation army for a tax deduction. At least another family will be brought some joy. And it's going to be great. I am going out to a few places today and am going to pick out a new wreath, and a new centerpiece for my table and a new tablecloth. Also some new garland for the tree. Why? Actually this is really my first year completely free.

I have also come to realize something else. We, the former BS's need to address the issues of OUR EN's not being met for so long. For those of us facing divorce, we must know that we will again be single. I have dated alot this year and realized finally about 3 weeks ago that I had to keep my wits and guard up really high b/c if somebody just met .02 of my en's, that I would see that person as a knight in shining armor and fall for him. Please be careful of this. So often we want to feel cared for. Just a bit of good advice here.

I have a great group of friends now and have gone to church at a new church for a year. My son got best offensive player on his soccer team, lost his first tooth, and is an incredible reader now! He is in kindergarten but has started first grade cirriculum...He is loving, wonderful, and bright. Other things have fallen into place...like my xh finally seeing that my son doesn't have 2 moms. He has me. For so long, it seemed that my xh tried to literally replace me with the new w. I don't say that lightly, he really tried it. But again, time and that script that WS read from comes into play...her character came through, or lack thereof, and now he's really stuck. But that's not my problem anymore. But let's just say that my son is home alot more than he was before back when x was trying to prove that his "instant remarrige and family" was everything he fantasized it to be.

Nuff bout that.

You change alot the first year. It is not easy and that is the truth. I am alot more frugal than in the past but at the same time, there's alot to be said for freedom. I found so much freedom and release from the bible verse that says that when somebody leaves (spouse or an unbeliever), you can let them go b/c you are commanded to live in peace. I have found my peace and life is so different.

It's hard being a single mom with no relatives here in GA. But again, that's when love for your child and friends come in. I have a good job. It is stable and I do a good job in my chosen profession. Had a great year serving as state prez of my state med specialty society as well. Our membership grew by 30% this year and our convention went great.

What made life good was keeping son at the top of everything, closely followed by my faith, and then by my work. That was key. Keeping the important things important and recognizing what was not that important.

Personally, I have now lost 8 more pounds and am in best shape ever. A buddy of mine, who is an exercise physiologist, had a bet with me that I couldn't get 5 pounds off by thanksgiving so instead of gaining holiday weight, we'd be down...I got off 8 instead. Back down to size four. Yippee! When your life is peaceful, you reflect that in your appearance too. Dating is well...still a bit confusing. Met and fell for a coworker and we dated for almost six months this year. Then we broke up and I am working (totally by coincidence b/c the other guy who did my job left and joined another practice)at their other satellite office. It worked out well, b/c it gave more insight and distance from my xbf. But he and I are still friends and there is still unfinished business...Friday night was the christmas party and I went with 2 of my friends. Joyfully, I looked pretty darn good. When I walked into the room, wore an outfit that definitely showed off my diet/workout results and the xbf's jaw dropped and within two minutes was completely surrounded by all the partners at the practice (guys). I've only been there a year and needless to say they said "we usually see you in scrubs and a labcoat...We had NO idea you looked like this." So that made me feel pretty good too. Won't discuss it here, but some interaction with the xbf has led to some more relationship stuff confusion. Since he and I decided to date others, I have indeed dated around and came to the conclusion that former betrayed spouses can easily fall for anybody that meets even a little of EN's. Thus, I am still dating others and have raised the bar much higher.

I sometimes wonder where will I be this time next year. But I am hopeful. My son is so wonderful. I am blessed by family and friends. I am good at my job. I have stability...(the chief doc just told me friday that he's expanding my area 2000 more feet and that I should feel good...there's more work that he will need for me to handle and said that I am just what the woodstock office needed and that the patients really liked me). Will I be perpetually single or not? I don't even know the answer to that one. What I do know is that I have most of my EN's met but thru other areas, not in a romantic relationship. But I'd like that to happen. I am still in contact regularly with my MB buddies. When something so life changing happens to you, you can't help but always be there for each other. Your MB buddies will probably be around for a long time...and that's a good thing. I have come to know them outside of crisis mode and also come to know they're pretty cool people. I am so blessed to have them. We are like one dysfunctional yet supportive family. And one day you can remove the word "dysfunction" from that description. I can say that it's removed when I speak of them and that you can't ask for a better family of friends. One day you will actually find yourself talking to your MB buddies about funny stuff, laughing, and having a great time. Your bond will still be there for you have given to one another at your darkest points in life, but your friendship will change and take on many more laughs and smiles than it did previously.

I wish everybody here a happy holiday. I don't post alot, and sometimes read here about the old timers from time to time. I keep those I have spoken to over the years in my prayers and sometimes when I see a newbie in trouble, I will email an oldie and see if they can help them out. Moving on is a fact and a part of life after a divorce. One thing I'd love to see is a MB forum for "starting over/post divorce and getting a new life". I am going to use the MB techniques I've learned to help our my friendships, relationships with family members, and in my other personal relationships too so I can be good to others.

Anybody else here in their first year post divorce? Your stories and growth here would be good.

Peachy, you SHOULD post a lot. You have some very inspiring things to say.

I hope I'll be as strong and confident as you this time next year, which, if my divorce stays on the fast track, will be almost one year since the D. I'm a strong woman, but this is truly the toughest thing I've ever been through. And, yes, WH has set up housekeeping with OW. In New Orleans. Where the two of us were going to move. Oh brother.

Anyway, it's a new leaf. There's a lot about it that's going to be exciting.

Thanks...getting ready to leave and go buy new cellphone since I left it at the holiday party friday night.

And I am confident but sometimes I too fall into that slump...that stinkin' thinkin' that I will be a spinster and end up alone and that I will just have to give up the happily ever after...

I have had a bit more time to post today b/c I have been hanging around the house. Usually I do not have as much time. Been going thru decorations and the puppy has been going wild. Yep. I have a new puppy. He's four months old now and is wiiiild! He is a boston terrier named Ringo.

And dating is wierd. You are doing your own things and suddenly you have to fit this into your life. But there is no timetable and no perfect answers. But our future is ours to claim. I was vacuuming a bit earlier (after the puppy's mess involving leaves) and heard part of a commentary on VH1's "celebrity breakups 2004". They were commenting on how Lionel Ritchie married his mistress immediately after divorcing his wife...now about 10 years later, the mistress is divorcing him and asking for an unheard amount of 300k per month in just spousal support, aside from any child support. They said "well I mean this relationship began in deceit...how'd they think it was going to end?" Wow. But the cool part is that is not OUR lot. Our future relationships (whatever and whenever they may be) aren't going to be based on that. We've got kinda a clean slate now and that's good. I am somewhat optimistic about our odds...now if we can just weed thru the frogs and find the prince that's out there disguised as one...here froggy froggy!

What is also wierd is that my ring finger on my left hand is still indented where my wedding ring used to be. I swear I look like a cheater who took off her ring for a weekend of debauchery or something...No more tan line there, just an indentation where it used to be. I think that's one of the wierdest parts...that and the fact my xh whenever he brings son over or has to see me does NOT wear his new wedding ring at all. Even my girlfriends think the ring finger thing is too strange. My other fingers look normal. It's just this stupid darn third finger on my left hand.

Gotta go. Am going to vacuum some more and go thru decorations.

Hey Peachy!
So glad you popped in again.

I too am approaching my first year on the 17th.
I seemed to have been in such a different place last year, and the year before.

I think my life has been in constant turmoil for the past 3 years, that now this year, it's all calm and I'm struggling.

I can say I'm healthy, and I have accepted the divorce, but not yet the OW.
My X moved in with her the week our D was final. I'm still waiting for the walls to crumble on them. They have been an item now for 3 years. Does it really last??
I don't consider myself to dwell too much on them, but hearing a little discomfort from their home would put a tiny smile on my face.

I started a job a month ago. I think it has been a healthy thing for me to do, and I'm hoping maybe some nice guy will walk through the door someday.
I'm getting back into the world and a couple of hard blows. We will see where my life will go.

I too have gotten much stronger in my faith, and involved in my church. I have several good friends. The church, my family and friends and the friends I have made here, have been the glue for me.

My girls are doing well with our life changes. Finally my oldest seems to have come to grips with it all, and is no longer in counseling. My youngest seems to roll with things pretty well, and blossoms all the time.

Congrats on your accomplishment of your weight loss. I can't imagine that you needed to lose, but I know from your note you are happy!
Share your tips!
I had lost 10 this summer, but now that winter is approaching, I feel it sneaking back on.

Take care of yourself. As always, I love to catch up with you.

Fondly,
K.

Hey peachy,
Good to see you here again. I forget to call you when I'm in your area. Perhaps next year.
Glad things are going well and I'm glad to be over one year past D. And I stay on MB, but am not as engaged in it anymore. I need to keep cleaning my emotional closets rather than give others advice.

Good Luck and Merry Christmas.

Hi Peachy,
I remember looking at my ring finger and it stayed indented also. I'm so happy that you sound happy. You had a very long and difficult road but you made it.

It seems like that 1 year is a milestone and after that it gets alot easier. Pretty soon it is all just a memorey except for the kids of course and they need to make their own relationship with their parents.
Again so nece to see you back on the board again!!

Jill

Hi Again, Peachy,

Yes, after 25 years, I have a dent on my finger too. So.....we'll just have to go out and buy ourselves nice rings to fit into that dent, won't we?

I've lost weight too....but it wasn't intentional. But, as I realized I'd have to gird my loins for this divorce, I ran out and bought myself some really nice, lacy underwear to gird those loins with.

Funny, but since he's been gone and I'm not having to be "mom" to his 15 year old boy-self (not to mention "dad" around the house, since I did all the maintenance work), I'm having a lot of fun being more feminine.

Thanks Peachy for your input today. Between your advice and seeing my WH this afternoon and finding him ludicrous, I'll think I'll be just fine.

Hi Peachy-

It is so great to hear from you. You sound like you are doing very well. Isn't it interesting how going through the Christmas stuff and finding bits of your past can get you reflecting? I found myself doing the same thing about an hour ago while I was hanging our stockings and saw my XH's at the bottom of the tote.

I myself will have been divorced for three years in February. I honestly can't believe it has been that long the time has flown by so quickly. I also am reaffirmed on a daily basis that I was truly blessed to have been left by my XH. Yes, while going through it was the absolute worst thing I have ever endured. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, now that I have survived I see how lucky I really am.

I have actually had a rough year this past year, brought on mostly by a custody fight with my XH and his new wife and the changes that have taken effect because of it. With the changes in our parenting schedule I have found myself once again face to face with the fact that nothing is guarenteed, life isn't always fair, and doing the right thing doesn't always work in your favor. Anyhow, as I have adjusted to these changes I have been doing a lot of reflecting on what I want our of life in general.

I feel like I have been out of sorts for the past couple of months, but I feel myself becoming more grounded recently. I have once again been reminded of the inner strength that I do possess and of all the blessings in my life, most importantly my children. I am also still seeing the same man. We have had a rough time as of late, but after a lot of soul searching and a lot of heart to hearts I feel we are back on the same page and working this out together.

Of course my XH and his new wife continue to flaunt themselves in my face, but I have learned to ignore it. Unlike you, my XH's new wife is still striving to be the perfect wife, homemaker, stepmother, you name it. They continually try to portray the image of the perfect happy family, but I have been told on numberous occasions that it isn't as wonderful as they want me to believe. I honestly don't care as long as they leave me out of it and it doesn't hurt the kids.

It really is wonderful to hear from you!

Take care and God bless!
K

Hey Karona, Jilly and Newly! I have lost your emails so please will you give me yours once more? Or you can get mine via orchid or lost husband...

Karona, the new job is great! So glad to hear about it. Sounds like you're managing the change well...and it's ok. When the reality and the facade does crack, as it always does in the WS script, you'll be so detached from it. But I understand. Understand exactly. And just try to keep most of the 10 off. Then you just go on from there. That's what I am doing.

Newly, please give me a call anytime. Would love it. And yea, my emotional closets still need a once over..lmao.

Jilly, yep. I wanted to get a new ring, but then again, we're all single girls now and wearing a ring on the left hand ring finger isn't too good for dating...unless the guys want to meet a chick who would appear as taken...and we don't want those kinda frogs round these parts! Also please get in touch!

Gettinthere, also nothing wrong with lacy stuff. I buy alot when VS has a big sale. It makes you feel better. Like a bubble bath. And just knowing you have it is like what they call in physics "resting potential". I have my arsenal and will use it when I see fit...yea...

Tonight was a bit of a bummer. Talked to son on the phone and he says "mommy, I am wearing a santa hat and we are decorating the tree". Yea, they are trying to be all christmasey in the affair household. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It made me kinda queasy hearing it after finding the last of my family ornaments today...needless to say, I tossed that ornament into the trash...It's over and it's gone.

And this is wierd. REally wierd. A few months back, my best girlfriend signed me up for a dating online thing. I didn't pay much attention to it for a good while after the work romance thing got confusing...but this week she helped me download some very good photos of me and voila! I had tons of emails. I get one today, without a picture. The email is from a guy the same age as my xh. Lives in same town he moved to. Describes himself as somebody who "before his divorce had been living with somebody with the iq of a 12 year old" ...went on to say he's a successful entrepreneur with 2 kids. Also said he funds make a wish type of flights for st. jude's children's hospital patients(from my former hometown)among other things that are imho, suspicious. (my xh works in a very small field where he buys life insurance of terminally ill people so there could be a connection there) It was so chilling reading the profile that I had to click out of the screen. And the fact he didn't use his photo was also fishy. The whole way the man described himself was basically sounding like the x. Even down to a word being misspelled. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Funny thing is that, the week after our separation, I discovered his online dating profile that a doc friend of mine found. So he was dating online while married to me...maybe he is up to it again. Maybe a coincidence, but there were too many circumstances and there aren't many rich people in that little town he moved to. And while it could be considered ironic, mine is up on same site the xh was once advertising his illicit singleness (or lies) upon...so maybe he's up surfing the net for cuties.

On a good note, got very nice email today and exchanged pleasantries with a very cute guy who turns out to be an interventional radiologist. We even know a few of the same people...he asked permission to phone me and I spoke with him 30 minutes ago after getting my new cell phone. He's relly nice so far. Cross your fingers. It's been so long since anybody really turned my head...last guy was my xbf that I work with...and we are NOT going to dish about him b/c he's still rather confused and he confuses me. Too darn confusing to discuss. Anyway, I am going to meet N for coffee tomorrow evening and we're going to look at some christmas trees that are decorated in midtown. And yea, this guy has that european thing going as well...seems I have as of late finding myself attracted to the tall, dark, educated and handsome type...(unlike the x who is tall, dark, handsome but is an idiot who cannot seem to spell words with more than two syllables).

Do you guys think it's ok to go out for coffee with him? My best girlfriend says to go for it. He has a wonderful voice and is from as far as I can tell very cute. 35, not ever married, no kids, no baggage, just stayed to himself and studied alot for the last decade or so...he also was a college tennis player. I swear I almost melted when he ended our phone call with "I will call you inbetween cases tomorrow if that's fine with you..ciao bella." The foreign language thing gets me everytime...Only problem is his name. His name is Nico and he said "well some people who meet me for the first time prefer to call me just Nick"...And my only xbf's name is Rick... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> who would also be a dark and cute medical professional (but not tall...he is kinda short). I told him "oh no, Nico is what I'd prefer to call you." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am going back to work here. The dogs are alseep. I am doing ok. So what. My son will decorate our tree with me this week. He will be home on wednesday. And we will celebrate Christmas with our new traditions we have begun. What we do is put up the tree while I put on a christmas dvd (usually santa claus is coming to town) and then I put on the stove some hot apple/spiced cider so it makes the house smell great. We do our thing and we then sit by the tree we decorated and read "the tiny star"...our favorite holiday book together. I have read it to him since he was a baby. Geez. Guess I am missing him alot tonight.

We must be on the same wavelength. I called my kids earlier and they too were decorating the tree. I made me feel queasy as well. Oh well, they'll be home tomorrow and the tree is here waiting for them!

Have fun on your coffee date. He sounds interesting. I have a good friend who is into the on-line dating stuff right now. I wish I could convince her to take things slow like you are doing. She is newly divorced and out to prove to everyone, especially herself, how desirable she is. Thus she is jumping into more than she should be with multiple people. It really scares me. Any advice I can give her?

Have a great night!

Take care and God bless!
K

Hey Peachy.

My 2 cents is, GO FOR IT! But, please tell a friend you are going. Just so someone knows where you are and the deal.

I will be waiting to hear how it goes.

Enjoy yourself!
I have been decorating myself, alone also. Not the same as when my girls help me.


Talk to you soon.
k.

Peachy,

You have experience with online trolling by your X. So do I with my WH. So, I tend to be mistrustful of the online dating thing. Yes, it may well be your X trolling online again (it wouldn't surprise me.) I fully expect my WH's affair to end that way. They BOTH trolled online. They BOTH were married. Relationships that start with deception end in deception.

So....be cautious. I think your X and my WH aren't the only married men out there pretending to be something they aren't.

Just got in...went fine. He is very nice and is imho, handsome...

We talked for about an hour and he was about to fall asleep b/c he worked almost 12 hours today. I was a bit mellow as well b/c of work and getting there so early. I get up each day at five fifteen am.

But he asked my schedule and we are going to go out at the latest, next week. I know it's wierd, but we know alot of the same people via the medical/radiology profession. So that made me feel good. I must also admit he's got great eyes too...gave him a small peck on cheek goodnight and a hug.

Maybe it will work, maybe not...but it is weird to feel even a little bit of chemistry with anybody when you've been practically numb for three years. I felt something for my xbf but this guy is a bit different. He's definitely not in the same emotional phase as R was...he's looking to end the dating thing forever.

Oh well. We will see how dinner can go next week.

And the trolling online with the xh...I don't know if it is him, but the coincidences are far too much. I wouldn't be surprised basically.

Going to zzzz myself.

Peachy,

Thanks for stopping back!

Sounds like the night was a success!! YIPPEE for you, and dinner! Have a great time.

Enjoy yourself, and let it roll!

K.

I'm so glad it went well, Peachy. Enjoy your dinner!

Thanks Peachy, I needed your words. My divorce is very recent and this is the first Christmas without a wife and family. The kids are grown and out of state and my wife is living with her lover and fellow partner in infidelity.

We have been apart for almost a year. But, while I think I am dong well, I find that I still have a distance to go.

Take care of yourself.

Oh, my ring finger has pretty much recovered from having a wedding ring on it for 20+ years.

I would NOT recommend a replacement ring to cover the indentation unless you definetly don't want men to approach you. It is the first thing we check. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Of course, you can use it to control who approaches you, by choosing whom you tell about the ring. Of course, there is always that chance that Mr. Right will see the ring and veer off, and you will never have the opportunity to say "Oh, that's a gift from my sister in Orlando. I've been single for years, Big Boy!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Peachy, on the suspicion of trolling by your ex, I would trust your instincts. I have learned to trust mine a lot. One of the few good things that came out of the divorce.
The other being... Well, I might mention it later.

But, your insticts are usually right.

Ciao! (from another tall, dark, maybe a bit cute, guy)

Little bit down. For some dumb reason I am down today.

So I will go to gym and work thru it. Then clean carpets. Son comes back tomorrow and we're gonna do christmas stuff and decorate tree!

Had a horrid day at work. Very hectic schedule and one patient that was literally made of play dough...bless her heart. She had been recently discharged for a long hospital stay, was overweight, and very bloated and her skin felt like play dough. Also black and blue from all the venipunctures and iv's...and here I am trying to start one on her. I am darn good btw..I have never NOT gottn an iv in somebody before...had to instead elicit help...one nurse practicioner tried and said it was "hopeless". So the anesthesiologist next door came in and found one obscure vein (so small nobody felt it) on the backside/underside of her arm. I felt so sorry for the lady. I almost rescheduled her procedure for her b/c she went thru so much...but she wanted to get it all over with. I can respect that though.

The whole iv fiasco cost me an extra hour today and somewhere in the middle of the frustrations at work, one of the docs I work with took me off to side and said "don't get upset. you are awesome. I couldn't get that if I tried 10 times more than you did...just let it slide." Sometimes I take work too seriously...when you have a cruel xh who for years called me "stupid" and other belittling names, you set a bar that's almost too high for yourself.

And negative thoughs floated in on the drive home. I thought about how my life was before all this ever started..how I wished I had just at the first instance or nuance of the x doing his crud that I'd filed and taken my son and left.

Sometimes I just wish I had taken action quicker. But his family and my former church told me to give it time, work on things, and wait it out.

Am going to go to gym and work thru this. I know. YOu have 99 great days and 1 bad one now and then.

Hey Peacy,
I think it's in the air lately. I have had some real down days lately. Not sure what it's all about.
It's great though, that you have compassion for the people you work on. When you get so hard that it doesn't bother you, that's when you need to worry!

Had to share.
My youngest, and OW's daughter came in last night. The little girl all upset, and crying b/c mother and my X had had a fight, and she left!
Yep, she left in a rage, and had been gone for 45 min. at the time my daughter came home.
HMMMMM, paradise waters getting muddy?? Not sure. But, I can say this is the second fight I have heard about in a two month time span.

Had to share!!

Hope you have a better day.

K.