Friends, I need your help and support on this one! - My divorce was final April 04 and Ex/WH and I agreed on "Joint Custody" when we made up our "ORIGINAL AGREEMENT" back in October 03. (I thought we both would co-parent, but that was obviously NOT HIS INTENT)

Since October 03, Ex has had EXTREMELY LIMITED involvement with his teenage girls. Has become EXTREMELY emotionally withdrawn, VERY angry,and in the 14 months since he left our home, has seen his children a total of "18" HOURS (NOT DAYS!!)

He has since MARRIED HIS OW 2 months ago and his behavior has RADICALLY CHANGED FOR THE WORSE. Ex and I are completely at war. He refuses to speak with me and all matters are handled thru attorneys only. His wife is now harrassing me (letters in the mail and now found her at my house the other night- She sped away before I could call the police!) Ex has approached my eldest harrassing her verbally and blaming her for the current problem of the "family" and not accepting his "new wife" into her life. (blah, blah....)

To add insult, he and his new wife have SUDDENLY decided to repossess my daughters car (just because they are wicked people! - title of car in Ex's name) and ex did not even call, send card, NOTHING on daughters 15th birthday.. Ex wants NO INVOLVEMENT WITH HIS GIRLS NOW because they don't accept his LOVING WIFE (PLEASE!) ...

Here are my concerns that I have addressed to my attorney. Ex is NOW MARRIED to a woman my children REFUSE to have anything to do with and will NEVER LIVE WITH! (she also assaulted me 9 months ago) - Ex lives with her & son in the "crime & drug infested" area of our city in a two bedroom apt. Ex has NO involvment with his girls now, emotionally abuses them (when he sees them), harrasses me, his girls, and I feel he is dangerous in other ways. The only one "good" deed Ex has accomplished so far > he has kept up on his child support payments.

DESPITE all of the above, my attorney states that no court will allow SOLE CUSTODY because he has not PHYSICALLY ABUSED my girls. - If I died tomorrow, my girls are FORCED to return this evil man? I don't think so! My daughters would hop a plane back to Chicago to my family FIRST before going back to him!

What can I do to protect them? And if something does happen to me, what are their rights? This isn't fair~! Should I seek a 2nd opinion or does this seem to be the "law" in all states? (I live in Arizona) My divorce decree states "joint custody, with girls residing with mom on full, permanent basis and mom makes all final decisions if dad and mom cannot come to an agreement" - Now why can't I have FULL SOLE DECISION MAKING TOO (PRIOR) with regards to their living arrangements in the event of my death???

PLEASE, YOUR HELP AND ADVICE -- THANKS FRIENDS...

Can you make a will, one that puts custody with your family in the event you die? The kids are old enough to refuse to live with one of the parents.

Hi VL,

What a psycho huh? I am sorry you are going through this.

My suggestion,if you haven't already,is to start documenting all this behavior.Keep a private journal and tell a friend or family member where you will be hiding it.Write down all his comments,when the homewrecking new "wife" is near your property,his interaction with the girls,get down what your children say about him,what he says to them(inappropriately) and how they feel,etc.I hope you are keeping all manner of correspondence with this new wife and your ex too.

I would seek a second opinion about this matter.How old are your girls?

O

Octobergirl - I had started the "ex file" the very day he walked out (10/03), though I can't say it is very detailed. I do however, have exact dates and times that he has visited with the girls since October 03 up until last month when he saw my eldest daughter. (17 and 15 years old)

I also have letters that I have sent him, and all letters that I have received from his "wife" If I did have to go to court, I do have alot of dates, letters, and "times" to show - he has NOTHING.

I have been told by my attorney that my daughters would have to seek their own counsel to FIGHT their own custody battle, in the event of my death and if he demanded custody of them. Why even go there? I'm their mother and I'm responsible for their well being. This just doesn't make sense to me at all. Honestly,if I asked him for sole custody, I don't even think he would care - he would probably be relieved! Perhaps I should try anyways?

What's your opinion? My attorney just flat out refuses to even try!

Joint Custody: Unless there is something extreme (i.e. drugs, pornography, child sexual abuse) I doubt the courts will change Joint Custody to Sole Custody. You need to establish and prove a history that indicates your ex is detrimental to the children. You've indicated you have teenage girls. In the courts, these girls would be given a voice and would be able to indicate whether or not they can "deal" with their father. I can guarantee they would like to spend "any" time with him, rather than no time.

Keep a camera by the door, better yet, a video camera if you have it. Report ALL suspicious mail to the police, copy EVERYTHING to your lawyer. Correspond with your ex VIA email. You should have no reason to talk to him, or her for that matter. DATE all your email, and cc to your lawyer. He'll get the picture in a hurry.

I'm sorry that your ex decided to reposess your daughter's car. You said it is in his name. He does have that choice. If your lifestyle has allowed your children to have vehicles at 15, that's great -- but no matter how you look at it, TWO families cannot live separate and apart in the SAME lifestyle they had before. It's called "divorce". I'm sorry that your daughter is hurting over this. She will have to deal with it and either you provide her with a vehicle, or she can work towards getting her own vehicle. It sucks, but it's divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I died tomorrow, my girls are FORCED to return this evil man? I don't think so! My daughters would hop a plane back to Chicago to my family FIRST before going back to him!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">-- draw up your will and make those arrangements with your family along with the provisions that "if" you do die, they will have the financial means to fight him in court. END this internal war with yourself over "what if's". Your girls are teenagers and they CAN make decisions on their own. They won't be FORCED to live with him. Remember, they too have choices here.

I don't mean to come down on you -- but being the QUEEN of court here (42 times thus far) -- legally, things are pretty much the same in North America. Really think about what is important here. It is not YOUR job to make this relationship work between the kids and their father. If he chooses to see them a total of 18 hours a month -- it's HIS choice. If the kids are angry with him, THEY ARE ALLOWED TO BE ANGRY. If the kids WANT to see their father, you can't do anything to stop that -- even knowing that he will hurt them emotionally -- let them go. I can guarantee you, they will come back. (mine are 21 & 18 -- didn't take a whole lot for them to realize their dad is an idiot -- and I had NOTHING to do with it).

As for the new WIFE, the kids do have the choice. If they don't want to go there, they are not of the age where they HAVE to be forced to go there. If the ex is so bent out of shape and wants to force the issue of visitation, you can bet your bottom dollar that a judge WILL question the girls. Tread carefully here my dear for YOU also will be under scrutiny. YOU CAN be accused of parental alienation if you hold those kids from him and the one that will be GRANTED SOLE CUSTODY won't be you. Keep your head above water. Keep neutral when it comes to talking about the ex and his new wife. Let the kids make the decisions here, but ENCOURAGE them to visit him (you did say they were teenagers...had they been younger my response to you would be wayyyy different).

Court orders are totally IDIOTIC as far as I'm concerned. They clearly lay out "visitation" but there is NO specific instructions on MAKING a parent visit. Remember, this relationship is between the kids and their father. You can't MAKE him be a father to his kids. He is the one here that clearly will show who is important and who isn't. YOUR job is to be there for your girls and pick up the pieces when they fall down (and you already do that.) It hurts to see your children hurt. This is what selfish men do to their families and it's the mom's (and dad's too MB) that stand back and remember that family IS important.

Sorry for the long response and the rant. I wish I could take away the pain and the frustration, but I do guarantee it will ease off in time and that Daddy Dearest will clearly show his true colours even more. Be there for the kids. {{hugs}}

Try to relax VL. If he's true to form, your x wouldn't even want the children to live with him if something happened to you. They would just get in the way of the "happy little family" fantasy that he's and ow have created. And believe me, I speak from experience...there is NO way that his new wife will want your children under her roof UNLESS it means they can quit paying child support.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't make legal arrangements. I don't know the ages of both your children...but, one of the things I did when my son was old enough, was to give him legal custody of his sisters in the event of my death. I KNEW that both DH (their step-dad) and my parents would welcome the kids with open arms, but I didn't want to set up a court battle between my x and my current DH or my parents. By giving custody of the younger children to the oldest, it solved the problem. I knew the kids would make the ultimate decision together. Thankfully, it never came down to that.

This infuriates me!!!!! I also can't fight for sole custody because there is no physical abuse. It just angers me so much that my WH is allowed to hurt me emotionally and leave the family and he still gets joint custody. Uggghhhhh! I hate that the law doesn't make these WS's responsable for their actions!

I hate that the law doesn't make these WS's responsable for their actions!
The law makes sure your children don't pay because of the actions of their parents.

Chris...
I totally understand that and agree but it just ticks me off that they can do all of this crap and they don't have to own up to anything. I really don't mean about the children ...I just mean that they leave and they still get what they want. At least in Florida it's that way.

Dear Victoria,

I don't understand your concern with sole custody...especially with children of this age? If something happens to you then your girls are old enough to decide for themselves not to live with him.

Besides, what good are sole custody papers if you are dead? He would still be able to file a motion for change of custody upon your death and still your girls would have full say-so as to what they want.

I think you are just very angry right now because he took your daughter's car. This is his way of keeping you pi**ed off and you are retaliating by trying to get sole custody?

Count your blessings that he pays his child support and that your daughters choose to be with you. Enjoy every single moment you have with them and let the attorneys deal with any crap he and his new wife want to dish out.

If you really want to fight with him (and win)then you are going to have to sit tight until he is in contempt of court as per your divorce decree or he or his new wife actually break the law.

Just my two-cent's worth.
Much happiness to you and your girls.

I would check with another attorney. Your request may be bound by state law however many states will award primary custody to one parent with visiting privelages only to the other.

And yes, depending on the state that you are in there could be huge legal ramifications where joint and sole custody is concerned. Here is one very example that happened recently to an acquantance of mine:

A young marine was recently killed in Iraq. Parents had been divorced for over 18 years however they had joint custody with primary physical custody going to the mother. The young man lived with the mother his entire life. At the time of his death, he did not have a will and the DOD contacted the next of kin (both parents). Since custody was joint, and there was a disagreement about where to bury the young man, DOD insturction defaults to the elder of the two parents. As a result, the boy's father chose to bury him closer to himself 400 miles away that the mother who raised him his entire life.

Depending on your state and the circumstance, there can be huge legal ramifications if you have joint custody. Check what your legal rights are where making decisions are without your H's agreement. If the state requires H's agreement, I would fight for primary or sole custody.

Good Luck!

In some places a non-custodial parent can not approve medical care for a sick or injured child. So, the ramifications of sole custody can be significant. Joint custody with one parent having primary care is frequently the safest way to go. I know, it stinks to you right now but there are worse things.