Guess that is pretty common... though not at the D stage yet... moving closer. Quick synopsis - D-day 9/27/04 - WH fence sat - I tried Plan A - WH said he wanted to fix us - lasted 12 hours - he's back with OW - w/ her lots even though she lives 8 hours away - have been separated in same house for last few months - I've hit my breaking point - we are selling house - I've found an apartment and am moving out week after Christmas (which he doesn't know yet - about the moving out part, knows we're selling) Also - about a month after he fessed up to his current A, he told me he had had 4 others through the course of our 5 1/2 year marriage but they were purely physical - the current one is PA/EA... He obviously is screwed up in the head and has spent many nights talking to me and crying his eyes out. Claiming he doesn't know whats wrong with him, he loves me, i'm the only person to have ever stood by him no matter what, blah, blah, blah....

So - its clear to me I need to move forward and away from him. I guess I'm looking for some sort of inspiration from others who've separated and then divorced... that it really is going to be OK. I'm tired of this rollercoaster -- one day I'm feeling OK, almost excited about getting away from my current situation and starting a new life (away from a man who pretty much was never faithful) then the next day (like today) I'm feeling just plain blah! Like I'm living in some sort of twillight world - the life I was supposed to have is gone...

Any words of inspiration/advice/support??? I've got great family and friends who've helped immensely. I'm feeling anxiety about all the changes ahead and am sad that the man who was supposed to love me no matter what seems to care less about what he's done....

<small>[ December 06, 2004, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: stillprocessing ]</small>

Hi Processing,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this during the holidays. Mine walked out after 25 years and 3 kids, leaving nothing but a note. I'm moving quickly with a divorce while he feels guilty. It'll be better for me financially than to wait and it will be better for me mentally and emotionally as well.

I'm glad you have a good group of friends and family for support. You'll be riding a roller coaster for a while (I still am....it's been only 2 months). When you're feeling your worse, pick up the phone and call them. Lean on them and don't feel guilty. You'll be there for them, too, someday.

Take care of yourself! See your family doctor for a checkup and, sigh, STD tests (yes, I had to do it too.) See if you think anti-depressants are needed and ask your doctor for them if you think they'd be helpful. (I'm not using them...yet....but some folks say they are a big help.) If you can't eat, get some Ensure to keep in the fridge. I've lost 10 pounds in the past two months. Ensure helps keep me healthy when food just won't go down. Exercise. Walk, walk, walk. Putting two feet in front of the other somehow keeps you moving through the worst of it. Pamper yourself. I get a massage every two weeks. It has been amazingly therapeutic. I also went out and bought myself some lovely lacy underwear to gird my loins for divorce with. Get thee to a counselor. Talk is good therapy and you get good advice. Consult with a financial advisor (not your family one, find one of your own who has YOUR best interests in mind.) If you're going to divorce, you're going to need it. Ask around and find a very, very good divorce attorney. Don't just go to your family attorney, if you have one. Remember, you will get what you pay for, so don't scrimp just to save a few bucks. I consulted with the attorney less than 5 days after he left....just to see what the situation was and to protect myself. I never dreamed I'd find myself having to file for divorce to protect the family from his compulsive spending.

You'll cry. It's ok. You'll be very angry. That's ok too. Remember the five stages of grief: shock, denial, bargaining, anger and depression. You'll go through all of them.

Have faith in yourself....and, if you're so inclined.....pray.
Prayer is helping me every day.

Hang in there. You WILL get through this.

Thanks getting there -- am on ADs, already got tested for STDs -- having such fun!

I'm doing better with the eating thing after losing 15 pounds -- sleeping better too.

I haven't really hit anger yet though. I think its coming though. I'm getting my life in order - we're selling the house and I stayed home from work today to do more stuff to get it ready. He has done absolutely nothing and has been away since Friday with OW. He is completely useless and clueless (left me a message at work saying the weather is lousy where he is and not sure when he'll get out of there but to call him when i have a chance.. umm sure, i'll call... nope! why???)

Prayer is a huge help for me too. I'm trying to take it one day at a time and with the support of my friends and family I feel like I just may survive this horror!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stillprocessing:
<strong> He is completely useless and clueless (left me a message at work saying the weather is lousy where he is and not sure when he'll get out of there but to call him when i have a chance.. umm sure, i'll call... nope! why???)
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This behavior is truly amazing. My ex did and does the same thing. Calls about all sort of trivial nonsense, while at the same time they are inflicting the worst pain and suffering the BS has ever experienced. Are they really so stupid they don't know what they are doing? Or are they trying to convince themselves that what they are doing is not as bad as it is? These Wayward Spouses are true jerks.

JE -- In my WH's case I think its a combo deal -- stupidity and trying not to look like the evil, bad guy that he truly is -- as if I'd forget! He called me again on my cell and told me the same thing -- then says oh I guess you don't care... I say "not really, its f-ing ridiculous". Idiot... yep, I think anger is coming... feels kind of good actually -- empowering almost... oh and then he starts talking about splitting the furniture up!! Finally I say - i'm not doing this over the phone.. can't you do anything face to face with me???? he is constantly pulling that crap -- anyway -- sorry - i digress...

They are all just plain crazy!

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: stillprocessing ]</small>

Hi Processing,

I hope this is turning out to be a decent day for you. (They say take it day by day, but sometimes it's 15 minutes by 15 minutes.)

The anger is good. It will energize you. But don't hang on to it TOO long or it can begin to hurt YOU. It can turn to a bitterness that's a horrible thing. So, use the anger while you've got it. The depression stage, when it comes, will ebb and flow too. You'll be letting go then, so don't hesitate to let tears flow when they come.

My husband is mentally ill (undiagnosed bi-polar syndrome according to our doctor, probably alcoholic and a compulsive spender...there's also an OW he abandoned the family for) so "working it out" or "getting back together" isn't possible. I love him, but I have to divorce quickly before he destroys the family financially. I grieve for the loss of the person I once knew who is disappearing into mania.

Do things when you're angry and energetic. Take naps when you're tired. Spend time with friends. Pray. Take care of yourself.

My thoughts are with you.