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Fellow MB-ers and old friends,

It's late and this is the quickest way I know of to let you all know--I very much need your prayers. Actually, not so much me, but my son needs your prayers.

He has recently (within the last two months or so) fallen into a bad crowd at school, and he was skipping out of class and not doing his homework. Well...for several weeks he was able to hide this from me by deleting the messages from the school attendance and teachers, etc., but this last Wednesday I found out. I spoke with the school, spoke with the teachers and got the whole scoop. WOW!

Okay, my son has never been a perfect kid--he's not a great student because he's ADHD and needs some special adjustments...but still!! We basically had the understanding between us that he had to really be trying his best (putting forth his best effort), and if he still didn't have a great grade I understood. A lot of teachers have so many kids in their class, they don't feel like or understand how to deal with a kid with ADHD, so we constantly struggle with this. Hey, we count it a great success if he brings the right homework home, works on it, gets it to school, and gets it turned it!!!!

Anyway, so since he has been skipping school and not doing his homework (and consequently had failing grades for the semester), I told him that this was NOT going to continue...that if he was not going to go to classes, that he was not going to go to school and fool around with kids who were encouraging him in his irresponsibility, etc. I mean, he makes his own choices, but it's harder to make a choice for HIGH MORAL CHARACTER when you surround yourself with people who smoke, drink, flunk, skip out, and blame the "pigs"!

He was mad about it all weekend, giving me the attitude: "FINE!! I won't EVER be able to have ANY MORE FUN!!" and that kind of Oh-Poor-Me stuff. I don't think he understands yet that his choice to skip class affects not only him, but also his sister and I--and his dad too I suppose. I see little or no responsibility in his behavior, and I doubt if he realizes that his whole future is also affected by his choices now. But that's the way 18yo's are.

I feel like I have been a good mom to him, bringing him up right, making sure he's cared for and provided for, and teaching him by example and words how to be angry appropriately, etc. It feels to me as if he made some EXTREMELY poor choices, and when I laid down the law and gave him some consequences, rather than admit his error, he chose to run from them and make even MORE bad choices.

Please pray for him to realize what he's doing, and please pray for me to continue to allow him to experience the consequences of his actions. SH1T!! I was hoping he would make better decisions! Now, I need to be strong and let him get in trouble for making these crummy decisions!!! AARRGGHH!!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'll be looking for him all day tomorrow and probably calling the police. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.


CJ

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CJ
You will both certainly be in my prayers. And since I can't sleep, I'll be praying now!

I want to prepare you...Since he is 18 there is not a whole lot the police can (or will be able to) do. I know from personal experience <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Kids this age have no idea how their current choices affect their future - it's just another sign of their immaturity. If he continues on this road, you may want to read (or re-read) the "Love Must be Tough" book by James Dobson. At one point, I was implementing that for both my husband AND son at the same time.

I pray God will give you an extra measure of grace in the coming days.

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Good Morning CJ,

I'm so sorry to hear that your son is putting you through your paces, but you really do have the right idea. Mom can't fix everything, sooner or later he must face the normal, natural consequences of his actions.

I just hope you find him and he is OK. Please keep us posted.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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((((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))

Y'all are always in my prayers, but I'll say a special one. I know this is extremely difficult and your projecting a great attitude, don't hesitate to "let your fingers do the walkin" if you're ever in need of an ear.

I have no idea what all he's "into", but I will say that I was amazed at how quickly addictions can grab young kids, if that has anything to do with it. Even more amazing were the ones that turned their lives around at such a young age.

Take care (((((ShortOne)))))

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May God bless you and your son, and bring him home safely and quickly.

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I'm think of you CJ, and praying for strength for you, and for your sons safe return home.

I'm sorry you are having to go through more trials.

Take Care,
K

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avondale, Bumper, LH, newly, and Karona:

Thank you so much for your support and prayers. Just a quick update: he has not come home yet nor have I heard from him, so during the day today I will be reporting him to the police. For a brief time last night I did consider not reporting him because he is so close to 18yo, but I quickly came to my own senses. Fact is, he IS 17yo not 18, and just by his behavior and choices, he is clearly not mature enough to be making wise decisions. Nope, it's for his own best to let him now experience the consequences of his decision.

Sooo...my plan for the day is sticking with the basics: walk the dog, remember to eat, vacuum, yoga, pay the rent, that kind of thing. I still have my obligations even if he's choosing to go off the deep end. Meanwhile, I'm holding up fairly well--did finally get a little sleep last night. I suspect he will "crash" with some of his so-called friends until the cops find him.

To some degree, I understand this is a teenage, rebellious, independence-flexing thing...after all, I've BTDT too! It's just so sad to know that he had a good home, with nice things provided and family who actually did love him--and he would choose to throw all that away so he could "have fun" with his fake friends. I remember when we were going through our D, I wished there was ONE GOOD FRIEND who really loved my exH who would tell him, "What the he!! are you doing?? You had a family, a successful business, kids, and a wife who loved you, and you're throwing it away for what again???"...but no one stepped up. How sad for him! No true friends. Same thing is happening here. The people he hangs with that he thinks are "friends" are exactly what you'all said...enablers. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> For my son, I do wish he had ONE TRUE FRIEND who really loved him who would stand up to him and tell him, "What the He!! are you doing?? You had a cool bedroom, a mom and a sis who loved you and treated you well (who were cool!--heehee), and you're throwing it away to live on the street, hiding from cops, skipping school, living with nothing...SO YOU CAN HAVE FUN?? How is that FUN?"

On the GC forum, ForeverHers wrote a great reply about "house rules"--that's pretty much exactly how I was going to deal with this. It's a little bit like a WS returning after Plan B! Today I'm going to determine the things that I'm going to require if he wants to try to come back home, and I'm turning to "Love Must Be Tough" for guidance. I'm thinking of the usual house rules (like attend school, complete homework, household chores, etc.) PLUS stuff like counseling and extra accountability protocols.

Sigh.

Thank God I have today and tomorrow off at work.


CJ

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CJ,

I'm sorry about your situation. Your son is hurting himself. It would help if his dad was around, but through no fault of your own, he isn't.

Others have mentioned "Love Must Be Tough." I want to mention Tough Love. It's a group to help parents whose kids are out of control. Find a support group in your area and attend a meeting.

[Edited: http://www.toughlove.org/ I just did a search and found their online site. They have weekly meetings on-line, 9:00 pm Tuesday nights. EVERY Tuesday night. Since you have a computer, this could be easy for you.]

When you son returns, have a plan. Find out if his school has a homework hotline, or a website where you can get the assignments for his classes. Obtain syllabi of his courses so you know when term papers & other things are due. e-mail, voice mail or hand write notes to all his teachers making yourself available for them to contact you.

Tough love advocates removing all the wayward child's extra things from their room. They keep a bed and a blanket. Fun stuff, computer, electronics, TV, stereo, CD, he loses his cell phone if he has one, loses his bike, driving privileges with your car, "cool clothes," (gothic or punk) are removed. Rent a storage place if you need to get the stuff out of the house. He gets to keep only what is absolutely necessary. One change of clothes, his gym clothes, the underwear, sox, jacket, sweatshirt. The lock on the door is removed.

You need the support of other parents to help you pick your battles. They don't cuss, yell, or threaten the kid when he acts up. They tell the kid I love you. Even if the kids says I wish you were dead, I hate you! They respond with something like "I love you and I understand you are angry with me. I don't believe you wish I was dead."

The kid earns his luxuries back bit by bit, with good behavior. He may earn his pillow in exchange for vacuuming his rug, taking out the trash, feeding the dogs. You figure out what the tasks, behaviors and rewards are.

They rage, fume, cuss. And they realize someone else is in control. And they gradually get back their own self-conrol and self-respect.

I pray that he is safe and that he comes home well to you before I finish my post.

(((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))))

<small>[ December 07, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

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CJ,

I can hear the concern, the mixed feelings, the hurt pain and worry in your words.

I want you to know sister, that I'm lifting you and your whole family up in prayer today.

TB

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This sounds like my marriage! She want to be in high school again and do anything she wants to but she wants me to just accept whatever happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> But on your son I wish you all the luck and I am certain that he will be fine. I am an adult who suffered through ADHD and depression all through school. I know that I was not the perfect foster son (foster child due to other issues) but I can tell you that he is thinking about you and He is sorry for everything. Sadly most children just don't show that they are sorry untill long after they are out fo the house. I know with my foster parents that it took 6 yers for me to finally see just how great they are. I hope he comes back soon. If you do find him try not to just rip him away from were he is unless there is danger. If he seems safe simply tell him that he knows were you live and you are ready to talk. I am not a parent so all of this is from my not so distant childhood memories. I hope this helps. Good luck!

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Found him.

He was at school, so when I called and told them he had runaway, they held onto him until I could go pick him up. He's at home even now as we speak.

ConfusedinWv, your post made me think. You wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am an adult who suffered through ADHD and depression all through school. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's tough, isn't it? Now that you are an adult, has it gotten any better or do you still struggle?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you do find him try not to just rip him away from were he is unless there is danger. If he seems safe simply tell him that he knows were you live and you are ready to talk. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well he was at school, but I think I get what you're saying here--I have my rules but I love him and I'm ready to talk when he's ready to follow the rules. I need to keep a door open for him to have a way to get home, but also not be taken advantage of.

Well, he's physically at home and at least safe. I'll keep you'all up-to-date!


CJ

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Glad to hear he is home! Another chapter in your life in the Wild Wild West.


Off to Grandma's to shampoo her carpets <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

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CJ,

Just now reading your post, and just leaving work so no time to respond other than to say I am SO glad he showed up and I SOOOOOO understand what you went through. My DD, at 15, also with ADHD has been a tough one to deal with since day one, but last summer she ran away a couple times and scared me to death. Each time she was fine--just flopping at a friend's house so she could avoid home. It is really, really though to deal with anyway, and I think much harder doing it as a single mom.

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((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))

Please accept my condolences- I re-joice at your lost son, has been found!!! The prodigal son issues is tough one. Difficult enough when the ws has them, next it's our kids.

I totally connect- My son now 23 yrs- has been ADHD-HS was a disaster breeding ground. Public school isn't exactly the right avenue for values, moral character to be taught-More difficult for them to cope.

Many of the kids are all in pain-use dope to cope, medicate the wounds, want love, acceptance, belonging-acting out-they lead complex lives& deeply hurt. They want activity, fun, joy, excitement, action.

They see right through the adult BS-

Normal part is pushing the enevelope- of growing up-- they are experincing POWER for the first time. Lack real education, information about drugs, std's, sex, etc...

Freedom, is complex-- brings it's own pressures, stress... freedom can cause alot of new set of problems.

I know many advocate tough love measures-works for some-can bring about greater rebellion,disaster later, more damage control later down the line. Compounds things.

I have opted put love first-raise the bottom. Many people never reach their bottom, tragically ruin their lives.

Kids really have no where to express themselves.

Wish we had a place on the forum for our kids to get, to get support!!!

No not anyone-can't stand professional councelors=pretty valid reasons. Very intelligent, but damaged by my x...

I am prayerfully relieved your child is safe! Hope you don't pull your heart/hair all at once!

It's scary, lot of bad people out there-waiting to devour our kids...

I have developed a sense of humor at some of it. Walked into parties at 2:30 am, just to say hi, tell the kids God loves them, dispense a few hugs, laughs. Not that I condone their acts, rather being a light, model, throwing out a life line if they need it.

Not a threat, nicely armed with the latest research articles on drugs, side-effects how these drugs actually work, effects on them. Neuro science brain discussions.

Kids really open up-- communication lines that open up. Talks about values, morals, setting up the high standards, why the HECK was going on, parents home life, would they do what they did/ how was it, would they do it again, what did they learn? Lots of joking, jestering back and forth.

Always bringing back to GOD- how much he loves them. Confess stuff I did as a teen-poor choices. Been there hit that brick wall-tips if you keep up whats up ahead- Head ups message- Choices.

Some of the kids are honest-they will be sowing their oats for a long time. But the negative stronghold my kids were under is breaking up. Like talking to them about cannibis acute psychosis eposides, mental health issues linked.


These kids are fascinated by the real knowledge, of the naughty dark world. Blows the air out of the intrigue..

They so need a lifeline& someone to reach out, hold their moral ground-make the climb back possible. Someone to put their arm around them& give them a hug...!

We as parents have more influence than we think we do...Kids know they can do anything they want. The consequences well are no big deal.

Look the parents all get off scott free-they see through the double standards quite well. Like the negative attention periodically better than no attention. Our kids are so angry inside... hurting.

I tell my kids it's all bad manners! I will be in prayers for you both! I know what it feels like ,been there, still doing it...

Sounds like your son has so much goodness instilled in HIM by you! It will show up more and more-

My son has pushed every button. I am clear though I want harmony, peace in my home. Have days I want to disown him-with his acting out...

If he wants to do the lifestyle- He can, not destroy our relationship, support that lifestyle on his own. Welcome to stay with me, civil fashion.

You know lets attack the problems & not one another, get the info, knowledge, support we might need!!!

Lots of love, warmest hugs!!! Your doing wonderfully!!1

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CJ,

Just keep loving him and let him know that no matter what you always will love him and that there is nothing that he is going to do to stop you from loving him. You may not like him and the choices that he is making, but you love him!!!!

I pray that the Holy Spirit will work in his heart and enable him to see the good things he is willing to give up.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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((((CJ))))

I just got here. Started praying as soon as I saw the thread - before I even saw who posted it. I'm so glad he's home and safe.

May God be with you and help you both find new roads to each other.

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Glad to read that your son is home.

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I don't know if you will read thsi but YES! it is terrible to deal with. Many of the trouble in my marriage is due to the ADHD/ADD problems. I will always have to try very hard to overcome these problems but I know it will be worth it. I am glad to know he is home (not too happy about it I would guess though!) I hope all goes well.

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((((CJ))))

I am so happy to hear that he is home. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Take care and God bless!
K

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Thank you all so much for your prayers and thoughts!! Just to let you all know, we are doing better. Yesterday I was fairly calm and "taking care of business", but last night, after I found him and he was home safe, I was a little shook up and had a shaky night. Luckily, I did recognize it as that adrenalin rush drop-off, so I just did some calming things last night: drank warm hot chocolate, ate a few chocolates, listened to mellow music, sat and watched some comedy TV, worked on holiday cards, and went to bed a little early.

Likewise, my son is doing a little better tonight too. He supposedly went to a buddy's house and slept on the floor, but he didn't sleep much either, so when I found him he was pretty wiped out and tired emotionally and physically. We met with his assistant principal (when I went to pick him up) and decided together that high school at his present school is not working for him. Thus, we are looking at alternatives for his education and thinking of maybe GED. After we got home, my exH was at the house--but he's so out of it, it's not even funny. His idea was to blame our son, put him down, and yell (duh! He's nothing if not consistent). After the ex left, then my son and I got to have some good talks, not the least of which was that even HE understood that his dad was blaming and yelling at him in order to feel better about himself. Hey...the kid is smart, just not wise!

We decided a few things last night: 1) the way things have been going is NOT working and can not continue; 2) things MUST change--it's not an option; 3) his choices have been self-destructive; 4) he may be bipolar, but with cycles that are MONTHS long rather than hours or days long like his dad; 5) he will be going to counseling and doing UA's; 6) he wants very badly to fit into somewhere and feel like he belongs; 7) he made choices that hurt him in order to be part of "the group"; 8) he's going to have to live with some consequences.

After that, we decided we were both just WIPED OUT DEAD, and decided to just stop and spend the night with each other. It's not smart to try to make big, serious decisions when we're exhausted!

Today, I had the day off, so we spent the day together. We slept in a little (9am), paid the rent and some bills, went to McD's for lunch, went holiday shopping for our family gifts, and did some MUCH NEEDED household chores like laundry, dishes and vacuuming. He's doing a little better and so am I.


CJ

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