I am kicking myself....but still am firm with my plan.

I have stood on mostly firm ground (okay, not all days firm) since June 4th, no opening to discuss our M, we filed on June 14th...this has turned ugly, we have a mediation date end of next week and the court date looms early in January. I rarely talk with her, sort of a Plan B but really Plan D...I did all I could, or at least I thought I did...and then she calls this morning.

She asks how is my cold and we begin to discuss the pending home sale...it leads to her asking if I want to talk financials with her and work the details out instead of with our attorneys/mediator to save $1000. She moved out of state, the A is over and I have previous posts describing my story....you may say I felt like her fog has been lifting the last several months but I have not been talking personal stuff with her, only business. I have pretty much been completely dark, I do not call, etc....my other previous posts detailed a few incidents with her trying to get me to talk in a not so direct fashion but I was not budging.

Anyway, she asks if I am scared to talk to her. I respond with a no, I have been focusing on myself for the last 6 months and choose not to talk to her...I then ask her is there anything she wants to discuss with me(this is the same question she asked me since our filing day-at least ten times).
Her response--what happened to the guy I used to be able to talk to? or something like this, I cannot exactly remember...anyway, I responded he is still here and always has been....but call it what you will, complacency, taking each other for granted, I don't know, I couldn't begin to explain on this phone call, but you travel alot for your job and we drifted, like most couples do from time to time. I've changed and I tried to show you those changes this past spring...but I was also an insecure idiot because you were not sharing your life with me and I had this incredible physical desire to be with you since it was the only time I felt safe (she was still in contact with OM during spring '04). I tried not to LB, did not bring up the lying, etc.

This call was all over the place..she says I do not want the old world...I say that is dead and gone, it's the past, we can only live for today...and I can only change myself, I cannot change you....this will be alot of work, a heckuva lot of work on both of our parts...she says she doesn't think she has the strength to face my family and friends since they know--and that was my choice to tell them, she understands I needed a support group but she has not said a bad word about me to anybody...I respond that with a planned approach and mostly TIME-we can get through this but it does take 2 people to work it through, not one...and I said something that I know we have alot of great days ahead if we want...but we also need to know there will be bad days that will try us both and I do not want to avoid conflict, I want us to be honest with each other and if someone is not happy speak up and lay all the cards on the table so we can discuss it....this is the key ingredient as to what was missing in our M....and I did not see it...and I guess neithe did she...all along there has been little remorse on her part, she is very prideful and highly successful career woman.

Alot more was talked about, sometimes mostly me leading the conversation...exclaiming I did not sign up for this ten years ago, I only felt my future was with you. She was crying at times and was not saying much....I asked do you miss me, she says yes, I do.

Well, where to go from here? Who knows, I am not planning on stopping anything...she basically said she does not know what she wants.

I wasn't trying to solve this on one phone call, it actually did feel good to talk...I asked if you would like me to call later, she said yes.

So, no actions at this point, but it may be a start to reconciliation.

Is this what I want? I do not know, I guess I am lending an ear...and I did not hear much, but maybe that will come?

Or, this could be total manipulation again to weaken me up prior to discussing a settlement.

Any thoughts for Nature?

I was strong in my conviction...but know I am a little vulnerable...but am still focusing on me.

Thanks for any thoughts and opinions, you guys are great!!!

Stat focused on you! Without you there will be no "us". Be there for he also though but do not let her stop you from doing what you need to for yourself. I am certainly not in the same boat as you (no affair) but with me my insecurities just took over and I said lots of stuff that no longer even makes sense to me at all. Be very careful what you say and who you say it to. I only wish that I could say that things were looking up for me right now. I really wish that I could answer all of your concerns but every woman is different. One thing stays the same though, they all like to be listened to and heard. By that I mean really heard and totally understood. It sounds to me like there could be some hope left for you but be careful you don't want to scare her off. Above all do not bring up the affair- let her do that and then talk about it. If you bring it up evenwithout any harm intended she may very well simply take offense to it mention. Good luck and I hope you can pull this through.

Nature,

You have found out what a powerful effect not love busting, accepting what she wanted, and moving on with your life, has had on your STBXWW. I don't want to raise your hopes up but this MAY be the beginning of her attempts to emotionally reconnect with you. She knows that what she did was wrong hence her statement to you that she doesn't beleive she is strong enough to face your family and friends. But if she truly wants to reconcile with you, she's going to have to be more direct and agree to a marital recovery plan that follows the The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage.. If she can't do these things then you are better off finalizing the divorce.

TMCM

Confused-I am staying focused on me...that is primary.

TMCM: I believe you are correct...it seems the separation and my ability to portray confidence in moving on has had some effect...not sure what exactly at this stage....but the clock is ticking, our mediation is end of next week and the court date is early January. She is supposed to travel back to my state for the mediation.

We spoke last night, just talk in general as friends, no R talk..the convo was friendly and somewhat flirty on her part. We spoke for about 45 minutes or so. I am not pushing anything, just listening carefully.

Now, how to tackle her concern that others know the truth about her A (my family and friends)? I tried to explain yesterday morning that give it enough time and a planned approach, they will understand we are together and working on our issues. I believe she feels the humiliation would be too great...so, the alternative then is to lose the M? That is not my call, but hers. I am more than willing to work at this issue but it really rests with her...at least she currently seems to feel that way.

So, no positive sign yet to stop the D IMHO...we will see.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nature:
Now, how to tackle her concern that others know the truth about her A (my family and friends)? I tried to explain yesterday morning that give it enough time and a planned approach, they will understand we are together and working on our issues. I believe she feels the humiliation would be too great...so, the alternative then is to lose the M? That is not my call, but hers. I am more than willing to work at this issue but it really rests with her...at least she currently seems to feel that way.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IF this issue is brought up, you may want to convey to her that if the two of you commit to work hard to rebuild the marriage, and her actions speak loudly of her committment to you, that you will personally speak with your family and friends and ask them to please find it in their hearts to forgive her and welcome her back into the fold. If they refuse, then you will cut further contact with them as a proof of your committment to her. The point is that her positive actions towards you will create your positive actions towards her which will include protecting her from others, even your own family and friends.

TMCM

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 10:48 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>