Hi, this is my first post on the d/d area. I don't think I or my wh can repair the damage. I'm terrified though of D. For my kids, my life, what it will be like. But we are in limbo now. He is very distant, and sleeps on the couch. Treats me like a distant relative, not a wife and I'm sick of pretending for appearances. I am so depressed. I am on an anti d but I'm like in la la land. Maybe it would be better to just feel it and deal with it all.

I just want to crawl into bed and wish the world would leave me alone. Sad. Its been two years almost since dday #1, 1 year since dday #2, last Christmas was awful, as every holiday or special day has been. He isn't ever going to change, or "come back", I guess it is time I finally got it.

Anyway, did anyone actually ever feel better once they finally moved forward? I am not looking to battle, I've been through enough, and don't have it in me, I just want what I need and what the kids need.

Also, I'm in NY. Is there any time frame that applies? How long does it usually take?

We are married 11 years, and I don't work. We just afford our "lifestyle" so I'm concerned financially. anyway, any info would be appreciated. thanks

I can understand the fear. I can tell you that for me, making plans and taking actions to leave means I'm not in limbo, but am taking control of my own destiny. This makes lots of difference for me. When I am out of the house, and away from H - I can think happily of my future. When I return "home" I go into the pits of depression again. So, I really believe he is dragging me down, and when I'm outta here, things will be better. At least the uncertainty of our interactions won't be an issue any more.

This is not my first D. I found last time that the hardest part was the time spent between decision time and the actual split. So far, that seems to be the case this time too.

You need to get some legal advice about the financial matters and what kind of support you can get. This is not the kind of advice we on this board can give you - even though we know it's part of the fear factor for you. But we can empathize and give you moral support.

Good luck!

((((((((weezy))))))))

You and I used to exchange a few thoughts on the Recovery board a while back. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this place.

In answer to your question, I feel better now that I've moved forward. I often post here when I have down moments. But I feel better about myself as a whole. I don't think you will find anyone who says it's easy, or that it always feels better. It is a series of ups and downs. Some very good ups, and some horribly low downs.

I do miss certain things. I had a really horrible week at work, and tonight I just had it. I needed to cry, I needed to vent, and I would have given almost anything to just be held and be able to cry on H's shoulder. But then a very sobering thought came to mind.....You know, he wouldn't have been there for me anyway. I'm better off taking care of myself, then constantly being let down and degraded.

And then, even in the down moments, I can see that D is better for my situation.

It's all about perspective. And having to make the decision of whether you will D or not is certainly not anything to take lightly. To be honest, I'm not sure you can really 'predict' if it's the right thing to do. But whatever your decision, you need to find a way to be happy with it.

I hope you are able to find peace with a solution, weezy......keep posting if you feel like you need support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Posted by DejaVu

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but am taking control of my own destiny. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very well said, Deja.....I have often tried to look at it from that perspective as well.....before, I let H control my destiny. Now I do. And I know better than to give up that control in it's entirety again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 09, 2004, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: L.I.T ]</small>

Hi Weezy,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand your fear.

DejaVu is right. You need to get yourself to 1) a GOOD divorce lawyer (ask around) You can usually go consult one for either free or a fee (I paid $120 to find out what I needed to know before I decided to divorce.) 2) a financial counselor (sometimes you know one professionally, sometimes you know someone who knows someone....but find one to help you plan your future) 3) your doctor (if the anti-ds are zombieing you out, you might need to either get off them or adjust them.....also your doctor can tell you other ways to handle the stress) 4) your family and friends (for support). 5) a mental health counselor (he or she can help you talk through some of this and will help you see things more clearly....talk is good therapy)

Also, take care to pamper yourself in some way. Even if it's a nice long bath. I get a massage every two weeks. The first one, I simply cried the whole hour, but it was SO therapeutic.

Try to take care of yourself first. You need to be healthy and aware in order to take control of your future and that of your kids.

Take care. You'll make it.

I am sorry for your pain, but most importantly I want you to know that it does get better with time. Friends, family, mb supporters, told me "time" and honestly, I wanted to tell everyone to go away and leave me alone! It's true weezy, but first you MUST pick yourself up off the floor and be STRONG not only for your children, but for YOURSELF.

I remember when d-day hit me, out of the blue, like a ton of bricks, yep, I felt like I could have died. And for 9 long, painful months, I tried to repair the damage "WH" caused only to find out he was still cheating with the OW behind my back! Enough was enough and out he went Thanksgiving weekend, surely not the best of times but I wasn't going to stand around and be beaten any longer.

The anger, tears, hurt, and pain, well, I must say it gave me the strength to kick his butt to the curb, sell the house and take all OUR BELONGINGS and yes, even got a nice settlement to boot! The girls and I are doing MUCH BETTER; good days and bad days (its been 14 months since he left). Do we still miss him? Yes, but we will never put up with that garbage again in our lives and each day, we appreciate each other more.

WH and OW (Now his WIFE as of 2 mths ago) are still in fantasyland... WH has completely abandaoned his girls for his wicked woman - his loss even though its extremely painful for my girls (17 and 15 yrs old) - His reasoning> they refuse to accept his "wife" therefore, he will not accept them as his daughters any longer.

Words of advice > Prepare yourself as the WH can turn more evil or he may not? Hopefully weezy, WH does not leave your children like mine did. But DO NOT give into his demands just to PLEASE HIM. Think of yourself, think of your children FIRST. Set up a new home for yourself, work on yourself, show your children you are STRONG, have a good, positive attitude (even though you feel like ****!) and when you feel down, talk with a friend, relative, or come to this board to vent!

It's going to take a long time to get through this.. I know, I'm still working on myself and dealing with the "remarriage" - its not easy but I know that in the end, I've done my best and my girls are proud of me. We are together and thats what counts! GOD BLESS...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> It's all about perspective. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Perspective" is what lies between the rock and the hard place.

Thank you all so much for your heartfelt replies. I'm sure you can relate, but sometimes I feel so alone. I do have family and friends who have been very supportive of me. But of course I worry about them worrying about me, so I try to be strong and not constantly beat this dead horse. Sometimes there is that need to just vent, we all know right?

I know I need to strengthen myself, whatever the outcome here. I KNOW I need to work on me. I need it, again whatever the outcome. I did do IC and MC for quite a while. H was lying during MC. He was still in contact. It was a brutal process for me, and now I know why.

My f(?)wh and I are not battling. We are existing in the same home taking care of our children. We actually back each other with the kids. They are a handful, (4 kids, 10 and under) and two of them have ADHD, as does h. So, whew, crazy household.

But that babble of ILYBNILWY reverberates in my brain. ANd all the deceit and betrayal. DOn't know if I can just move past it. As many of you, I thought my marriage would be forever. Maybe I didn't "care" for it enough or for my h enough, but I KNOW I didn't deserve this. I won't stay in a loveless marriage. It will kill me day by day.

I do have a great friend who is an attorney and will help me get a good attorney if/when necessary. She can also help me locate a good financial planner. So I appreciate the tips, at least I feel I am more prepared than I thought.

THank you all so much.

weezy8550,

I'm sorry you find yourself here--but welcome--

-- I don't think I or my wh can repair the damage.

TR--You could with the help of the Holy Spirit--
but you can't do it on your own--

God is a God of reconcilliation--but, I have found that even though God is a God of reconcilliation things don't always work out because one or both parties do not turn to Him for Help--they might say with their mouths they trust God, yet, they refuse to step out in faith--and really trust him
faith without works is dead--or put another way
faith without action is worthless--and means nothing--

--I'm terrified though of D. For my kids, my life, what it will be like.

TR--Your afraid of the unknown--most people are-
so just know this is normal--

but, what is it that you really want? Do you want to stay in your dead marriage? do you want to leave your marriage? Or do you want a NEW marriage with the same person?

You see all of those things are possible--So you guys need to figure out which one you want most--
Ask your husband which one he wants most--and then go from there--give him all the choices I listed--

I realize that you have been to MC and IC, but have you been on your knees before God? seperate but more importantly together?

If you want the the latter of the three you could get that--and have a better marriage with the person your already married too--but it will take
work--and it will take change from both of you--

If you want a better marriage with the person your married to---ask him if he would be willing to get on his knees with you before God and pray for that
then step out in faith together and work for it--

Would the two of you be willing to go to a Weekend Marriage Seminar? There are a couple of them coming up in New York in early 2005--and if cost is a problem, you may be able to get a scholarship
if you call and let them know your circumstances--

http://www.familylife.com/conferences/show_conference.asp

I went to one of these conferences AFTER my divorce--and I sat there and cried--knowing what they described was the kind of marriage I wanted--

I got married last year--and I have that kind of marriage--so I know it's possible--if both people are willing to work for it--

--Treats me like a distant relative, not a wife and I'm sick of pretending for appearances.

TR--How are you treating him? but more importantly If you don't like pretending everything is fine
then stop doing it--stop living the lie--and be honest with God, with yourself, with Him and with others--

--I am so depressed. I am on an anti d but I'm like in la la land. Maybe it would be better to just feel it and deal with it all.--

TR--Psalm 32:3 describes what is going on inside of you--and why you are feeling so depressed--

What have you done for YOU recently? Have you exercised at all? Have you been treating YOU with respect and love? I know that getting out and doing something fun always helped me get out of my depressed state--so get out and do something--

--Anyway, did anyone actually ever feel better once they finally moved forward? I am not looking to battle, I've been through enough, and don't have it in me, I just want what I need and what the kids need.

TR--As others have said--there were times when things weren't great--but there were also times when things are absolutely wonderful--

but the thing you need to remember staying where you are--isn't working--and you really can't go backwards--so the only place to GO is forward--

So before you go and talk to that divorce atty--
sit down with your husband and ask HIM if he would be willing to try one more thing--to get the kind of marriage with you--that you both desire to have--

--We are married 11 years, and I don't work. We just afford our "lifestyle" so I'm concerned financially.--

TR--I'm not sure what your lifestyle is--but would you be willing to change your lifestyle in order to find financial peace? If so, maybe you could look into something that might help--

http://www.crown.org

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by weezy8550:
<strong> Thank you all so much for your heartfelt replies. I'm sure you can relate, but sometimes I feel so alone. I do have family and friends who have been very supportive of me. But of course I worry about them worrying about me, so I try to be strong and not constantly beat this dead horse. Sometimes there is that need to just vent, we all know right?

I know I need to strengthen myself, whatever the outcome here. I KNOW I need to work on me. I need it, again whatever the outcome. I did do IC and MC for quite a while. H was lying during MC. He was still in contact. It was a brutal process for me, and now I know why.

My f(?)wh and I are not battling. We are existing in the same home taking care of our children. We actually back each other with the kids. They are a handful, (4 kids, 10 and under) and two of them have ADHD, as does h. So, whew, crazy household.

But that babble of ILYBNILWY reverberates in my brain. ANd all the deceit and betrayal. DOn't know if I can just move past it. As many of you, I thought my marriage would be forever. Maybe I didn't "care" for it enough or for my h enough, but I KNOW I didn't deserve this. I won't stay in a loveless marriage. It will kill me day by day.

I do have a great friend who is an attorney and will help me get a good attorney if/when necessary. She can also help me locate a good financial planner. So I appreciate the tips, at least I feel I am more prepared than I thought.

THank you all so much. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Weezy,

I'm sure no one will fault you for giving up after putting up with this for two years. I'm sure its scary to move on, but sometimes you have got to make big changes.

I agree with everyone else. Make sure you consult with professionals so your financial needs will be taken care of before doing anything.

I wish you all the best and hang in there... You will survive!

Miker

Throned Rose, Thank you for your post.

Honestly, I don't know what I want anymore. I'm praying for some clarity, but with all the lying that has been done, I just don't know if I even know who my h is , or if I ever did. So, I don't even know if we have a basis to start to rebuild from. He has also been abusing drugs during our entire m and lying to me about this, as he knew I was against it. So, realizing that made me see that he's been lying from day one.

I guess that is the way he avoided conflict. Just tell people what they want to hear, but then go ahead and do whatever he wants regardless of the consequences. Same with the a. He was very connected to the Church and God earlier in his life. That was one of the things I'd admired about him. He lost that somewhere along the way. I know he could get that back, I know God is waiting for him, however I don't know if he knows that or is willing to bow down and admit his wrongs and be genuinely remorseful in order to be forgiven. I feel he blames me for his a, that if I hadn't neglected him he wouldn't have cheated. That no longer holds water to me. It is an excuse to not accept blame for what he did.

I'm struggling to push myself to do things. I went out with friends last week and had a great time. I am trying to concentrate on me now. Not what HE wants, what I want. Taking care of me. Not letting myself sink into this pit. To enjoy the little things, like funny things my kids say and stuff like that, and the big things, like the fact that they are healthy , beautiful children. We both love them very much, that too I am grateful for. Honestly, my h might not be in love with me anymore, but I cannot imagine he'd turn his back on them. So that is good.

My h owns his own business and works all the time. Now, whether that is an excuse, and he is doing other things, I don't know. Short of hiring a PI, I have no idea what he does when he leaves this house. For me, if I have to hire a PI, I might as well just hire the divorce lawyer. But now I'm trying to figure out what is the best move for me. I am unhappy in this m the way it is now. It is awful. Yes, I know God can help us and heal us. But, if my h is not open to this, then it will not happen for him. I will not be a wife who has her h followed. Would that control his actions?? NO. So what is the point, unless I just needed proof to use against him. Let him do whatever he wants, it will catch up to him, just like in the past. He does swear NC, but unfortunately he said that before and had lied.

I've asked God to take this many times, and then I manage to take it back <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> My brain takes me on some wild goose chase. It is tearing me apart. Much of our family knows, just a few friends know about the a. Last week I opened up to one of my friends and shared this with her. It felt so good to be real, and not fake it that we are a happy couple. So, that was big for me. I think I was stuck on this, no one can know because then they will judge us. Now, I don't really care. No it isn't for the world to know, but it isn't my secret to hide.

Your post was very thought provoking. I am having a very hard time deciding on forgiveness, I recognize that. I am acting distant towards him as well, I must admit. I am probably like a porcupine to him!!!! He'd get stuck if he touched me!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I'm STILL angry, man, how long can you be angry for??? It just isn't easy when you have small children and your actions will effect them so incredibly. That is why I feel so "deer in the headlights" stunned. Don't want to make a wrong move. So i'm still and stagnant.

OK, I could write a book.

As far as working, I'm thinking of getting teacher certified so that when my youngest goes to kindergarden (in 2 years) I can teach and get benefits (we now pay our own) and earn a salary. Then I can be available still to my kids first and foremost, but I can work as well. I'd still have summers off to be with the kids, and weekends and school vacations. So, I think that would be ideal.

In NY, as in many places these days, it is very expensive to live. We have 4 kids, and money just flies out!! It isn't that we live so extravagantly, but it is just very hard for one person to support all this. That is why I cannot complain about all his hours. He does bust his butt to make sure everything is taken care of financially. I recognize that.

Thank you for the time and care you put into your post. It is truly appreciated. God Bless!!

Miker, thanks , too!! I always try to think, "I hope a year from now is better...whatever that better might be" .

Bye for now.

{{{{{{{{weezy}}}}}}}}}}

I've been thinking about you! I saw a post from you a few weeks ago, then could not find it again. I kept thinking ‘He’s STILL not come around? She must be crazy by now’. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am so sorry that your H is such a dork!

I cannot understand how he can live like that. He seems so willing to drag you down slowly... Sadistic, really.

I have to tell you, I was very afraid when I D'd my exH. Worried about how alone I'd be, dating, finances, crime, you name it.

You will be amazed at the strength you recover once your life is YOURS again. You've been in limbo for too long. I'm sure most of your confidence, spunk/self-esteem has been greatly depleted. Mine was. Living like that for years just zaps it right out of you! Your strength is at it’s lowest just when you need it the most.

You have more strength than you realize. Those friends and family you're keeping a good face for... let them help you. Lean just a little on them. It's ok.

I know you are scared. It helped me to ‘get real’... in that I made a list of the bills, food costs, gas, etc; tried to get a handle on the finance part of life. I was very nervous about that part. I just knew I’d end up living in my car. (I did NOT, btw… neither will you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

I’ve never regretted D’ing my exH. He didn’t deserve me. Yours doesn’t, either. Your strength will come, I just can feel it. I’m sending goooood strong, empowering thoughts your way. I am very sorry. Please, please take care. Ask anything, I’ll help if I can. - Dru

(ps, I'm out for tonight, I'll ck back tomorrow)

<small>[ December 10, 2004, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

Hey Dru!! How are you old friend?? Yes, I'm still bit**ing and moaning about the same old, well, same old. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I need to grow a great big pair of brass ones, don't I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I think the anti d just made it easy for me to be at an even keel, which was good, in those high anxiety days, but it is probably time to come off. To face what I really feel, instead of the "dopey" me.

I'm thinking that the next two weeks isn't the "time" for that talk. We are both busy, him with work, me with the kids. It is Christmas and I do want to enjoy what I can. I'm thinking after Christmas though, it is time. Maybe a new year will bring better things, whatever they may be. And I have realized that I won't be any more alone than I already am......

In all truthfulness Dru, I think he probably thinks he is trying, sort of. But, it isn't enough for me. Maybe it is my flaw, but I expect a grand "I LOVE YOU", and I deserve that. After all this, I shouldn't be in this all alone.

Hope you are well, hope your holidays are very happy!! It was nice to hear from you!!

Take care and be well!!