I have been posting since 2002, was posting as trying to help myself - lost the login information.

To make a long story short: I have been doing major work on myself - overcoming my depression (I'm almost there), and implementing MB principles, my H's EN's (respect, etc.), we even went to counseling to attempt to resolve our issues.

We are no longer arguing like crazy people, or in front of the kids. I no longer beg or plead to talk when he needs space. I feel much progress has been made.

There are no affairs, but I've been trying to do a Plan A type life by meeting his EN's and really thinking before doing things. We had even started date night...

But, my H is still not happy. He still cannot stand me. I am in therapy and on medication for depression and if you knew me you would say I HIDE IT WELL - I've come a LONG way - but it just hasn't been far enough. Because I'll make one mistake, then he leaves, or he tells me he wants a divorce again... I'm leaping through hoops and I'm tired.

Last night, we were talking, he 'decided' he didn't want to talk anymore - got up and sat with the kids. I said - can we talk after they are in bed ??? He got up and left.... he is just an unpredictable short fuse, and my anxiety level is through the roof, I can't function and I feel like I"m going nuts.... but even my therapist says that he is putting the blame on me and I must stop shouldering it....

He says he hates being here, he can't stand me. He wants out. So fine. For the first time, I'm just too tired to fight anymore and beg for him not to mention 'divorce' like it's some four letter word. I made an appointment with a mediator. Said, let's meet for lunch, talk things over then go see the mediator - they are attorney's.

So, we met for lunch. Talked for 2 hours. He wants to 'give the kids a Christmas and New Year' and stay in the house until then. I said, fine, so you want an 'in house separation' fine, I can't be pulled and pushed anymore - we work out the details, split the bills, I get my nights out and vise versa - he was shocked that I was so calm about it...

Then wouldn't go to the mediator, saying we can go after the first of the year after we see if I can 'handle' an in house separation.... my lord....

For the first time in my life, I am going to take care of me - is this wrong???? Can I approach this sort of like a Plan B? Just limited contact with him - enough for the kids, stay scarce and not much explination and do the unexpected - um like take care of myself instead of everybody else (him the three kids and dog)....?????

I'm so sorry to ramble, but I trust your advise and these principles...... I've been lurking forever since my last post....

I am currently living with an in-house separation. H moved his things to the upstairs bathroom about 3 months ago, and moved his bed into his office upstairs about 3-4 weeks ago. We still sometimes have dinner together, but neither of us is willing to plan meals or shop, and we are just about out of things in the pantry and freezer. I am moving out next week, so this is temporary, and we both have known this for the past 2 months at least.

It's hard. If I didn't have plans to move, I would NOT do this. It is downright miserable in the worst of times, and limbo in the best of times.

Good luck to you - I hope you find some peace and a way of dealing with it. I hate to say it, but it sounds like your H wants to call the shots and decide how you will both live, and for how long. If that doesn't work for you, don't let yourself feel guilty over it. You have every right to say no to his plans and take care of yourself.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

I am currently living in an in-house separation and it is the pits. However, he is supposed to be moving out, soon. (!?) This is really stupid to me, but he can't afford to move out now and has two minor daughters, so I am giving him a little time, but I am seething!!!
What I've got to say is this. Don't let him play that game of cat and mouse with you. Tell him to move out. Don't let him make the rules of this "separation". Show him you are moving on. Guys do this because they don't have the guts to really get up and go.
If he refuses to go, go to a lawyer and get him out for not meeting his matrimonial obligations. Don't put up with that crap. You will never be able to move on with your life while he is still in it. The only reason I haven't done this is because his two daughters are with us, so I can't just throw them in the street. But, my patience is not going to last for long.

Sarca, hear hear! I'm with you all the way. I can't imagine it working unless BOTH people really wanted to just be roomates and nothing more. For me, it is a transition strategy - not an in-house separation strategy.

When my situation first started I asked a similar question on this list and someone responded who'd been doing the in-house thing for many many months, and said it just prolonged the limbo.

I can feel the fog all around me when I'm "home". I really don't trust any of my feelings or judgments about what I want, or what is important. So how can I make any decisions about my life while I'm still there? I really can't see living like this on a regular basis.