Gosh, It's been 25 years since I dated anybody, but my ex wife. When my divorce was final my good friend called me up and told me I was a "Born Again Virgin". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And how true it is!

I have been separated/divorced for about a year. I have grieved for the loss of the marriage and the life we could have had together. I have read helpful books, attended group counseling sessions and done a lot to work on myself. I am not 100% healed, but I am reasonably healthy; mentally, emontionally and physically.

It's time to climb back on the bicycle.

So, how do you recently divorced people handle dating?

After I was divorced from my first H, I did a couple of things that worked for me. However, like you, this was a long time ago - pre-Aids, and pre-many-other-things. So, I don't know that I'd do the same things now, or in the same way... but for what it's worth...

I took out Personal ads - and instead of the romantic type ads, I asked for people who enjoyed doing specific things that I liked doing. Each ad was for a different of my interests. When I met people it was always in public places and I never gave out my address or phone # (pre-Caller-ID too) until I'd met someone a few times. Everyone knew that they were not the only one who responded, so there was no illusions that it was anything more than it was. I did not expect a serious relationship from this approach, and did not find one either. But, it got me socializing, learning to communicate again, etc. with men - and practicing being the person I wanted to be without worrying what someone thought of me. It was very productive for those reasons. I also trusted my instincts and if someone gave me the creeps, I immediately stopped contacting him. There were a couple of those, and my instincts proved right. The precautions I'd taken paid off.

I also joined a couple of singles groups that were active and had regularly scheduled events. One was a ski club, and one was a general activities club. These were nice too because you didn't have to be paired up with anyone to have a good time in a social setting. And the environment was fairly safe and non-threatening. I did meet someone in the ski club, but we were both on the rebound and it didn't work out.

I've heard all the ideas about meeting people in church or grocery stores... it never worked for me. Church seemed populated with families (not singles) and grocery stores... well... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Deja Vu:
<strong> However, like you, this was a long time ago - pre-Aids, and pre-many-other-things. <snip> Church seemed populated with families (not singles) and grocery stores... well... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pre-Aids!! Yes, that is a new problem. For now I am talking about dating, pure simple dating. No sex. No sleep overs. Maybe, with the right person, some hand holding and kissing. OK, a bit of a necking on the couch wouldn't be going to far. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by JustinExplorer:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pre-Aids!! Yes, that is a new problem. For now I am talking about dating, pure simple dating. No sex. No sleep overs. Maybe, with the right person, some hand holding and kissing. OK, a bit of a necking on the couch wouldn't be going to far. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, the big change in the Post-Aids, Post-Herpes, etc. world is that other people's pasts can become part of YOUR future. It has new implications about honesty: like when, in the course of a relationship, do you decide whether you trust the other person. Lies, in today's world, can have much more devastating effects than they used to. I will probably be quite slow to trust again, especially since trust is already an issue for me. Thankfully it isn't something I need to think about for quite a while.

JE,

what is your purpose in dating? after 40, what are your odds of finding someone compatible? I have done the math on here, you can find it somewhere however, if you want the final answer, its 2-3 % of the population. And that is for a non-dysfunctional person. . .

so why don't you change your focus to going out to have fun and social with others. . . remember, statistically, a potential date is only 2 in every 100 that you will meet. . . so just look in the paper, and join activities that you would like to do, and just go and have fun.

wiftty

I didn't date during my long separation. Made new friends, had fun, went to movies and had girlfriends...my xh didn't even want me having friends or doing things with them either. So this was great.

Just don't put any pressure on yourself. There isn't any reason to do it. I have been using this time to find me again. It turns out, that the post divorce me, is pretty much the pre marriage me. That my xh instead of complimenting me, was kinda an emotional sucking black hole...now I am tons happier.

And while the odds may be stacked against you, you can turn them in your favor by joining a club, doing the online thing (greatly increases your odds), or by just doing 1 different thing each day. Going 1 different place you have not gone before or to a different location. My old counselor said to do that when I was ready to get out there. Changing just 1 behavior a day is fun too. You never know. ex: you go to same coffee shop to get a mocha. Tomorrow, go to one downtown. Or go to one near your office. You can do that a myriad of times for a myriad of things. Drycleaning, mall, movie theater. But most of all you move out of your comfort zone and your habits and just move into a newer and better world.

Just don't make dating the whole focus. This whole weekend, for example, was focused on doing fun things w/my son and us having downtime together. And doing a little housework. We went to movies last night and are going to a christmas outdoor activity tonight. Gonna be good!

I think we're much more sophisticated than we were before. We realize it's not the whole enchilada in life. Maybe that was our early 20s hormones kicking it in overtime. Life is a much bigger enchilada than that.

What type of things do YOU enjoy doing?

Start by going alone and meet others who are there--

If you go to church see if they have a single adults class--and see what activities they have--I know our church the Single adults class gets together for social activities during the week--they rent movies have pot luck dinners, have ice cream socials--so get involved--

Do you enjoy playing pool? Do any of the local pool halls have a group you can join?

If you enjoy bowling--join a league--

If you enjoy remote control cars or air planes--
they have clubs for those too--

I don't know if you have kids or not--or if you do how old they are--but even getting involved in the PFA/PTA type activities you meet a lot of people--

Look in your local weekend/neighborhood paper see what activities they have going on and GO!!

I know here one of the local coffee shops have scrabble night--

Some of the local small book stores have poetry readings--

Some of the local theaters put on community theatrical productions--

So figure out what type of things your interested in and go get involved--if your not sure if it's something you'd enjoy doing--go try it anyway--
give it shot and find out--you may find you have a lot of fun--and if nothing else--your out meeting lots of new people--

If you join a local singles group--go to the group functions and get to know the various people--in a group setting and watch how they interact with others before you start the one-on-one dating--

that way you can figure out just what it is your looking for in a spouse--

Hi Justin,

I'm new to this too. I was with my husband for 26 years all total. With the man before him for 5 years. Damn! But I do remember being single and what worked then, which is helpful.....so here goes.

My husband has been disappearing from me for the past 4 years. He's probably undiagnosed bi-polar. So, when the OW came into the scene, she was a minor player in the whole greek tragedy. I've also had time to grieve before now. So, in many ways I've been seperating from him for 4 years instead of the 2 months that he's been gone. That makes a difference in my perspective.

I'm not "dating" yet. Just doing what I want to do. What I enjoy. That's how I found the men in my life years and years go. That's probably how I'll find them again.

When it all hit the fan the first time (same OW) 2 years ago, I joined a singing group. Singing was something I had done before I married 25 years ago. We sang in Carnegie Hall in March (before D day) which is something I NEVER thought I'd find myself doing. I met lots of folks I like. Lots of friends who came out of the woodwork with love and support when WH left. Some nice looking and very nice men (some married, who I won't even approach....some not.)

Through that group, I was introduced to a Tango club. I asked a nice looking man who I knew and liked from the singing group if I could come watch him tango with his club since I'm interested in the dance. I did something I'd never done before to get there....I went into a bar (where the "milanga"...or tango get together... was) unescorted. Jeez....."ladies never go to a bar unescorted." I had a wonderful time! Dancing is a nice way to get to know someone personally and, to a point, physically.

Another friend (female this time) and I may go to Scotland this year. No particular reason.....just to go. I've always been partial to men in plaid skirts.

I make sure I'm "marketable" (as a friend says). Do I look good? Am I slim? Do I look pissed off and bitter or am I having a good time? I've asked my almost grown children and all my friends to just hit my upside the head if I start getting (and looking) pissed off and bitter....so that's a reality check. But, so far, I'm actually having a good time.

Sex? Well....of course, when the time comes. That was one area of my relationship with my husband that was usually very good. But, you have to take precautions. They're the same precautions that young adults have to take now. So....I guess that's a fact of life now.

This ISN'T anything I every wanted. It's not anything I ever thought I'd find myself doing. But, here I am. So....I guess I'm going out and exploring life for the first time in 31 years. I find myself having fun more often than not.

Have a good time exploring, Justin. There's a big, wide world out there with lots and lots of interesting and fun folks in it....male and female. Just do what interests you. The rest will follow.

I admit that while I have no business dating yet (XH moved out in 2/04 but DV just final in 11/04)as it's not been very long, I've been lurking to see if I can pick up any advice of my own.

Looks like some good ideas here, and I also think it's probably better to just concentrate on getting out and doing things at first, and then if a "date" comes out of it, it's a bonus.

My problem is that my XH and I were together from the time I was 15, so other than a few dates I had when he'd periodically decide he needed freedom, I never dated anyone else. Don't have any idea how to go about it. The few others I did date were from his social circle. I already knew them.

So I thought, "What is it that I like to do?" Well, as I live in the midwest and it's cold and dreary in the winter, I like to come home after a mentally-stressful workday and just grab something warm to drink and type on here, try and reclaim the house that my ADHD teenager has blown through. I basically hibernate. Not conducive to dating.

In the summer I do get out more, but it's mainly to do yard work and stuff. I like photography, but taking pictures isn't something I'd normally go out in a group to do. Like travel, but always with my family. Can't imagine going on a group tour at 39--isn't that what the retirees do?

Other than that, I like....uh, hmmmm...I'm not sure. I'm not sports-oriented. I don't golf. I find bowling fun but I'm not league material. I rarely do it and it's almost as rare that I break 100. Because I don't take my daughter to school until almost 9am, I don't even get off work until well after 6pm most nights.

I look on the outside like I'm in good shape because I'm slender, but I really need to work out and tone up. Not sure when to fit that in my schedule, and I have no desire to join a gym because I know it'd be a waste of money in my case.

So....I think I'm going to concentrate on how the odds are stacked against me as someone who will be 40 in less than a year, and maybe eventually I'll come to terms with the very probable scenario that has me single for the rest of my life.

I think guys have a much better chance of finding someone compatable after a divorce later in life than women do. I saw stats somewhere that showed something like 85% of men remarrying after DV, but only something like 75% of women do, and over 35 it's more like 65% of women who remarry.

So J.E., I think you're probably in good shape. As for me, not nearly as certain!

LL

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

lordslady,

----So....I think I'm going to concentrate on how the odds are stacked against me as someone who will be 40 in less than a year, and maybe eventually I'll come to terms with the very probable scenario that has me single for the rest of my life.

TR--First of all Your right you never will find a date or have any fun in your life with that 'woe is me attitude' that is coming across in your posts--and you know what--I turned 40 and re-married last year--

--I like photography, but taking pictures isn't something I'd normally go out in a group to do.

If you like Photography, take a class--

---Like travel, but always with my family. Can't imagine going on a group tour at 39--isn't that what the retirees do?

TR--Why can't you imagine it??? just because it's not something you've ever done?? Why not get your daughter and buy a round trip train ticket and take a weekend trip to another city--or hop in the car on a weekend and just go--

After my ex-h left--News Years Eve Weekend he had the kids, so I hoped on a plane and went to celebrate with friends in another state---I had a BLAST!!

My cousin and some friends of hers get together and take bus trips across Canada and across the US--it's something they had always wanted to do--so when their husbands walked out on them--the six weeks in the summer--when the kids are with their dad's--thats what they do--they travel--and they have a BLAST!!

I used to take off on weekends with the kids and head to the beach and stay over night--just to get out of the house--we the four of us would have a blast

And it doesn't MATTER what the stats say--most of the women who remain single do so out of choice--
my mother and her group of friends stayed single out of choice--and it wasn't because they weren't asked to get married--all of them had various men they dated and who asked them to marry--in the years past my parents divorce my mother had three different men propose to her--she turned them ALL down--why? because she didn't want to be married again--she enjoyed being single--she enjoyed going out with her friends when she wanted--she enjoyed not having someone at home waiting for her to take care of them---she enjoyed not having to clean up after someone else--she had a very full life--

Some of the ladies she worked with would take off and go on weekend cruises--or head to Vegas for a weekend of Gambling--

had she remarried--she would never have done all of those things--why? because the men wanted to get married and stay home--they didn't want to go on the weekend cruises--or take off and go on trips--well--all but one of them--He would go with them occassionally--but he also said if they married they wouldn't do those things anymore--
if he wouldn't have been so adament about that--
she may have married him--as they dated for over 15 years--

So change your outlook and ignore the stats--and just go out and have fun w/ your friends---

Amen, Thorned Rose. Amen.

I'm 51 and about to be single for the first time in 25 years. Unattached for the first time in 31 years. It sure isn't something I was planning on.

But, there's SO MUCH to do out there. So much fun to be had. So many friends to meet that you haven't met yet. So many areas to contribute to people's lives.

Don't give up on life! It's a gift! Every single day is a gift. As the old Schlitz beer commercial from my childhood went....."You only go around once in life. You have to grab for all the gusto you can."

Just one more thought about marriage as a goal....Not too long after my H left and I was really feeling down, I was on the road to Dallas to tell my daughter that I was divorcing him. I sat in the restaurant that first night on the road and looked around me. The couples who weren't talking to each other were married. The table that was having a wonderful, loud, raucous time was filled with women. It was a strange revelation. I'd marry again if the situation is right....sure. But it's not a goal.

OK. I'll get off my soapbox now. You guys take care of yourselves. Life will be good, just give it some time.

There is lots of good stuff here. I have started dancinng lesson, but so far I step on to many toes of potential dates. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

And I can't help but notice that several of you ladies are right in my age ballpark. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So, I am sure you have the wisdom and maturity to know what you are talking about. Being 50+ ain't so bad. In fact, it has the potential to be one hell of a decade. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Like the song says: It's Delightful, It's Delicious, It's DeLovely.

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

Interesting comments on women who don't want to get married again. I know several women who have sworn they will never remarry. Most are divorced twice. But, most also agree that they want a partner, a man to share their life's adventures with.

In our modern society, a woman no longer has to marry for material security, and emotional and physical fullfilment are possible without being married. The result seems to be many women who keep their independence and their lover at the same time. I assume this is what they want.

One thing I am jealous of is the fact that a group of women can go to dinner together as friends, and have a good time. I have noticed that men in Europe will do this also. A man will go to dinner with 5 or 6 other guys, brother, cousin, neighbors, or whatever. They buy a pizza, a bowl of soup, a few bottles of time and enjoy hours of companionship. Why can't American men do that????

Maybe I should move to Florence. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ December 12, 2004, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

Hi Justin,

American men are wonderful...and, on the whole, I tend to prefer them to European men. BUT, they have a few hangups. Showing their emotions. Hanging out with other guys if they aren't at a sports event or a bar.

Have you asked a few guys if they'd like to go grab a pizza and a beer? Maybe shoot a few rounds of pool? I know it's not soup and some bottles of wine, but it's an evening out. That said, you probably won't meet women your own age at the pool hall.

By the way, my wonderful tango partners stepped on my toes. It's ok. Next time I'll wear shoes (yes, I WAS barefoot.)

Hi Justin,
I've been divorced a year and 9 months, not that anyone's counting, BUT.....please give yourself some time to heal before doing any serious dating. I've been involved twice since my divorce, and both guys have wanted to get married. I was unable to commit longterm to either one, simply because I wasn't healed. Our goal should not be to rush out and replace the ex spouse, even though at first, I think I believed that. The goal is to heal, to become a better person, to figure ourselves out as a single person. If you do date, please, please, take it from me, you should go very slow, a snail's pace. I highly suggest a book I don't see on too many people's lists, maybe it's just not too popular, but I've read it at least 20 times since my divorce. The title is "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends" by Dr. Bruce Fisher. It will answer many of your questions.
God bless you, I hope my advice didn't sound too much like preaching.
KK

JustinExplorer,

--One thing I am jealous of is the fact that a group of women can go to dinner together as friends, and have a good time. I have noticed that men in Europe will do this also. A man will go to dinner with 5 or 6 other guys, brother, cousin, neighbors, or whatever. They buy a pizza, a bowl of soup, a few bottles of time and enjoy hours of companionship. Why can't American men do that????

TR--I think the problem with so many of those American men your refering to is that they think they need a macho image--and that macho image doesn't include sitting around having dinner with a bunch of guy friends laughing and having a good time--unless it's at a sports bar while watching a game--so that no real emotional attachment can form--

How many men friends do you have that you hug when you see them? Or at least shake hands?

Shoot even Jesus had close men friends--that he sat down to enjoy dinner with--spending time sharing their joys and sorrows--

So maybe you need to find some men friends who are secure in who they are as men--and aren't afraid others will think they are homosexual or something just for being compassionate with other men--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In our modern society, a woman no longer has to marry for material security, and emotional and physical fullfilment are possible without being married. The result seems to be many women who keep their independence and their lover at the same time. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I could see how this could be true, and could account for some of the women who choose not to remarry.

But while I might be able to find emotional fulfillment to a degree that way, I do not intend to have a physical relationship outside of a marriage (and all of you who just fell out of your seats laughing can get back in them now. I really am dead-set on doing what God says this time around-even if I'm the ONLY person in the world doing it). So being "today's woman" won't fly for me.

Now as for the "guys night out" thing, it really is a shame that women can go out as a group and have a great time, and if guys went out and sat around and enjoyed a good meal and a glass of wine and then took in anything other than a sporting event, people might question their orientation. I really had never thought about that.

LL

Nope, I'm not laughing LordsLady,

My daughter and her beloved agree with you about sex outside of marriage. I admire their strength and commitment.

I came of age, as I suppose it's called, during the late 60's-early 70's. A no-holds-barred era. I learned the price of too MUCH freedom. So, I guess I'm somewhere in the middle. But I believe that sex is a lousy reason to marry someone. I don't agree with you, LL, that your statistical chances of marrying again are slim. But I've found that if someone is looking for that special relationship, it somehow shows and scares people away. Finding a friend who then becomes more than a friend is often most successful while you are focusing on things that you truly enjoy.

Justin, you spoke of the potential of being in your 50's. So far, in spite of the heartache, it's looking like it will be a very, very good one. Life was truly serious during my 40's. I had kids to raise, a career to build, a husband who was more and more showing symptoms of bi-polar syndrome. I had looked forward to my H and I cutting loose at this point in our lives. So.......he did....and ran away. Oh well... like the old Byrds song went, "I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gettingthere:
<strong> I had looked forward to my H and I cutting loose at this point in our lives. So.......he did....and ran away. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My situation exactly. We raised the kids, worked our way into well paying jobs that didn't require working a lot of extra hours, almost paid off the house, and then... She runs off with a guy who has almost no money, no regular job, but apparently is a fantastic LOVER compared to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (Did it ever occur to her that her focus on OM made it hard for me to be a good lover? I doubt it.) Oh he's also 10 years older than me.

Looks like all of the single women in their 50's now have another shot at me. You lucky gals!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 13, 2004, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

I fit into this 50 something group and this is a good thread. When I first separated with stbx, I wanted someone in my life so bad.....Thank God, no man wanted me in their life. I see NOW that I could not judge what a healthy man was like back a couple of years ago so I feel that God protected me.

So as I grew, learned to live alone, do things alone and find out exactly what I want in life, I have had someone say they would like to date me. Thank God again, I was healed enough and healthy enough to see the red flags. He is not someone I would ever date or even be friends with.

Now I am starting to be able to formulate what I would like for a spouse but like some others here, I would like to just "date" and learn how to interact with men. But LL, I agree with you totally, that sex outside of marriage is not something I will do. If I wanted sex without committment, I would have stayed with my former spouse.

I would like to join a single groups but I don't know how to find any around where I live. Aren't those groups full of people on the hunt? It is important to find single people cause most of my friends are married so our friendships have changed.

I am not longing for a spouse anymore and I know that I do not want to marry another man to take care of. I would rather live alone instead of having another dysfunctional R. I do want a spouse who wants to do things and enjoy life even if we have to compromise to find things we both enjoy. I no longer feel the need to "find someone" and that makes me feel so at peace.

TW