STBX has made it very clear to me that she wants D. She has managed to completely seperate our lives over the last year and changed our "arrangements" to suite her and the new life she wanted.

OK so I had enough and I gave in. Went to a lawyer and started the paper work for D.

I called X and let her know I hired lawyer. She wanted to know what made ME decide I wanted D and what I was going to say about her as grounds!

A few days later she got the representation letter from my Lawyer and complained about the extra stress I was causing her right before the holidays.

How am I causing the stress of the D she has wanted for over a year?

How can she possibly try to turn this arround and make it sound like it is something that I am doing wrong to her.

I guess it is best that I just do whatever my Lawyer says and try ti ignor anything she has to say about it.

I just want to get this mess over with already!

Hi WIWH! It's called 'Guilt-Tripping' - partly because it's when someone who CAUSED this crap in the first place does not or can not take RESPONSIBILITY for THEIR actions, so they blame someone else for it.
That way, they can continue to do what they want to and you're their 'Whipping-Boy' for whatever goes wrong. It's very convenient for them, really. I know. It's been going on for me since 1998. I just basically blow her $hit off - coz that's about all it is, anyway.
SDLOTR

Hi WIWH,

I think I have posted to you a few times before.Your impending D isn't due to adultery right?

Anyway,it sounds to me like your W is just uptight that she isn't getting her way every moment.You have taken a few steps to get things moving and heaven forbid you should have a brain and make any decisions about your life.Isn't it all about her? Sounds like a WS mentality.Selfish. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Still concerned about how she looks in all this.

My WH is the same.All concerned now that he looks like Mr.Perfect parent and son despite his adultery and destroying our 20 year friendship,14 year marriage and family.No one buys it but he pretends like it's in the past already.Whatever.

I too ignore his behavior like you should for your W.Do what is right for you.She can't shift the blame to where it doesn't fit.

Carry on.

O

Wish,

Your STBX is having problems with reality. She doesn't want to accept that she can't sponge off you and force you to live with relatives for ever. I also think she's afraid. She had gotten used to the situation over the last year and found it to her liking. She got what she needed from you, but didn't have to suffer any discomfort by working on her marriage or having you living with her. She also knew you were a fallback in case she changed her mind.

Now, you have rejected her! My goodness, what were you thinking? All along she's been thinking you weren't good enough for her. Now it turns out she might not be good enough for you. Major blow to the ego.

We here all know you aren't the bad guy. Hey, it's not your fault she wants all your income. It's not your fault she didn't want to participate in Marriage Counseling and wouldn't cooperate in mediation.

WishI WereHome,

Just tell her--

Oh, I'm sorry it's causing you stress--however, this IS what you have wanted--and I just thought it would be a great Christmas Present and an even better way to start the New Year--

With the New Year dawning--I am moving on with or without you--and as you have shown me over the past year you don't want me in your life---I'm moving on alone--

SDLOTR,

Guilt doesn't even begin to describe it. But you are right.

Fortunately I've built up a pretty good tollerance so It doesn't hit me as hard any more.

October Girl, No there was no A in my D, just a lot of BS. It's hard to ignore her behavior because I have to deal with her for kid scheduling. At least my oldest is pretty good at keeping track of our plans. She'll tell W when they are doing something with me and she also calls me when something comes up for them that falls on my time.

GG and TR,

How would you 2 like to come to my house with me and tell her how it is and how it will be. I can't seem to get it right. Or at least she either doesn't pay attention to me or believe me.

WishI WereHome,

Have you read the book Boundaries? If not, maybe you could see about getting a copy and doing so--

As that seems to be the overall issue here--she isn't respecting your boundaries--and your not enforcing them--

If you say your going to do something--then do it--if you faulter and mess up and don't--thats okay--start again--

She will try and continue to fight you on your boundaries--some people are just that way--

I guess one way to do work at it--think about what it is you want to say--and practice saying it--
think of various ways to word it--to figure out what gets the point across in a respectful manner

I don't know how old your kids are--but in many cases you could work out the times and such you will see them--with them--

---She'll tell W when they are doing something with me and she also calls me when something comes up for them that falls on my time.--

It sounds like this works for your oldest--when my kids have something they want to do when it's dad's time with them--I have them call Him to make the plans with him--that way HE can take them to and from whatever activities--this includes HIM in their lives more--even if they have a school dance or football game--he can come over and get them--
take them to the event and also pick them up and take them back to his place--

Just because they make plans with their friends--
doesn't mean I have to be the one to take them and pick them up--he is their dad--he can do those things too--

So that is something you could do as well--(if your not already) if your kids make plans with friends for days they are supposed to be with you--you go get them and take them--and pick them up and take them home with you just like their mom would do--knowing they can still do those things even when they are WITH you--will help build your relationship with them--

<small>[ December 15, 2004, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

TR I understand what you are saying, and I do take them to as many things as I can. The only problem is that I am living 40 minutes away(Not by choice).

This makes it hard for me to take them to friends and stuff like that.

But when they have things going on that fall on my weekends, I do what I can to be the one to take them.