My husband just got back from being in Iraq for a year. He has been out of the home for a total of 15 months. During this time, I told him about a huge credit card balance. This upset him very much. Most of the money that he made in Iraq was used to pay this debt off. I picked him up from the airport to be told before we even got out of the parking lot that he had been having an affair for about 18 months. And that I knew who it was. Come to find out it has been going on for two years but mostly through instant messager. The whole time he has been gone, they have been writing to each other with instant messagger. She moved to our home town two months before he came home. Once he got home, he went to live in her apartment. She was not there, she is now overseas. My husband has been home for six weeks.
The first week living in her apartment with them having contact with each other. She left him a nice note stating that the apartment was his new home and to make himself at home. That she loved him always and forever. The second week he called and asked if he could come home. We agreed to this but to not talk about affair or credit card debt. While living at home, he states that he has to go by her apartment and pick up her mail and pay the waterbill because he gave his word to her that he would take care of these things. I do not like this one bit. It causes fights between us. After a week,he moves back into her apartment. He tells me that he loves her and but that she has a new boyfriend overseas and is going to have the new boyfriends baby. The other woman is 11 years younger than my husband. The week he asked to come home, he said he wanted to because he had not been fair to us by not trying to work on our marriage. He states that he loves me and wants us to put our marriage back together. Which is what I would like also. He lives in her apartment for two more weeks. She has also let him know that he needs to find his own place to leave and please not miss up her stuff. That they will always be friends. He gets very drunk after hearing that she is going to have a baby and wants him out of the apartment. I am trying to be understanding with all of the information that he is sharing with me. Some of it I want to know. I find it harder and harder to handle as I learn more. I am having a very hard time not allowing my angry to get the best of me and then I blow up. I ask questions that lead to a fight. Then he gets mad and tells me that if I would just leave the past in the past we would not be having any fights. He says he is tired of my throwing his past mistakes up into his face all the time. That every twenty four hours I will go off the deep end again. He said he would have no more contact with her but he has. He went in and changed some information on her accounts and then e-mailed her ot let her know. His address to her was "Baby". I know that because we had gone out and had a great time, spent the night together and then the next morning he was checking his e-mail and there was a reply from her with the e-mail he had sent her. He does not see how this is not putting her out of our lives but keeping her in it. I told him that I deal with it every day because she is not out of our lives yet. He says she is. He says since he has not said anything about the credit card debt he is working on our marriage more than I. That he is willing to put the past behind us and not keep bringing it up and start fights. We have two children, a boy 8 and a girl 6. Part of him wanting his own place was so that we did not fight in front of the children. I did agree to living apart but with the understanding that we were still a married couple. He goes out with a 25 year old single guy and gets mad because I ask what time he is going to get in. He tells me around midnight and that he will call me the next day. This does not set well with me and I start another huge fight. Lots of ulgy things said by both of us. He says both of our mistakes are equal and that I should just to be able to put the affair behind us and not have anything to say or do with it. So much of my angry comes from the fact that he is not willing to put her out of our lives and leave her alone. He still has the keys to her car even though she asked for him to turn her apartment keys in and to leave her alone. He made sure he went and took car keys before the locks were changed because he was not going to turn them back in. How do you put something behind you when one party is keeping it alive by whatever means they can. He says it is over and that the keys mean nothing to him. My question is why not just turn them over to the apartment manager and be doen with it. This other woman is due back in this town the middle of January to move away the first of Feburary for a new job. What should I do and do I still try to work on this marriage? When do I know when it is time to give up and when do I say enought is enought? Am I wrong in wanting him to understand why I hurt so much. We have gone from agreeing on child support to not getting a divorce to now talking about doing a legal separation. He is tired of having the past thrown up into his face as he states it and I am tired of him not being able to let her go. He says if I would just not ask any questions he could close everything out with her and then no fights would ever start becasue I would not know about what is going on with them. I hope someone can give me so insight on this whole thing. I feel as if I am the only one who is going through this and have no where to turn.

Hi Gina,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. You packed a lot of info into your post. I know the situation you are in is tough, but there are others here who have been through the same thing. You are not alone! Have you read all the information contained on this site? I would start off by recommending that to you. The concepts here will help you get through your situation, regardless of the ultimate outcome.

Secondly, I would suggest that you read "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. It is probably available locally in your area, or though Amazon.com, and on this website. You might want to consider calling Steve Harley, who is one of the counselors responsible for Marriage Builders. He has an excellent way of dealing with wayward spouses who have detachment problems like your husband does and he could help you both work on your marriage. However, it does cost money. Do you go to a church? Perhaps you could talk to a pastor. I think you both would benefit from a neutral third party helping you.

If your husband is in the service, isn't there some recourse for counseling within his service branch?

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are fortunate in one regard. At least the OW (Other Woman)isn't interested in your H (husband) any more. It appears she has tried to separate from him more and more. And he doesn't want to let her go. But it's good that the attraction isn't mutual as it previously was. And you are to be commended in wanting to work through things after finding out.

You asked if you should work on your marriage. I say emphatically "yes". It's much too soon to give up, and you do have young children who would benefit from two loving parents at home.

Suggestion: You might want to go back through your post and separate it into paragraphs; it makes it easier to read on this bulletin board.

Hi Gina,

I'm sorry that I didn't see your post till now. I'm not sure if you'll even get this but I'll write a little and see if you're still out there.

I know the pain you're experiencing is tremendous. I totally understand as I've been there too. I don't know if you have a relationship with God, but He does hold all the answers to our deepest hurts. He's there to help you now.

You could probably get more responses and help on this forum if you wrote under the section, Just Found Out. That section deals with those who are right where you are. People there can truly relate to all you are currently feeling and experiencing. You are not alone.

As AVONDALE wrote, I would encourage you to continue to work on your marriage. Your children are young and they could certainly use the advantage of having their folks together. You can get through this and go on to have a strong marriage and family. God bless you!

Gina,

I agree with the others. Though nothing is guaranteed in life, if the OW is having another man's baby, if she is trying to separate from your husband, if she is moving away in February, and if you two have kids together, I think the chances of your marrige ultimately being saved are very good.

You both have a lot of work to do. Regardless of how wrong what he did was, the fact is he's going through withdrawal and it hurts him. It will take some time for this to fade, but I believe it will in time...as she moves further and further out of his picture.

I own Surviving an Affair. It's a good book to get ahold of. There are some good articles on this site, too. And if you're looking for advice from others working to save their marriages, the General Questions II board is a pretty active board. You might post over there, too, if you haven't already.

Stay strong.

LL