Good Morning Everyone.

First let me introduce myself.

BS(29)-H(24)
Married 1 yr, together almost 2
H left-Not Left
H Seeking Divorce
WE: Living together but not speaking.

For awhile now my marriage has seen it's good days and bad. There are days when we are extremely happy to be with one another and there are days when we argue and fight over small issues. We have both had an Anger Management issue that is now being directed under a phenomenal counselor. He goes there once a week and I go when I have the money to, so I've joined several boards to help me along in the process of becoming better people towards to each other.

I can honestly admit that I am the major cause of all our downfalls. I was feeling resentful towards him about the lifestyle we have and I've blamed him for all my mistakes when I realize today that there isn't anyone to blame but myself.

My husband has always been the one to support me in all matters, was always so loving and yet I've pushed him away and nag nag nag about everything in sight. I feel angry at the greatest news and I feel unhappy every morning that I wake up. This is because since moving here to this state, I've felt isolated and apart from the world I once knew. The place, the people and my surroundings make me a very angry and depressed person. I've been in between jobs and finding a common ground for myself has been a road full of bumps and I've put all my blame on him.

I have had a trust issue with him. I do not trust him for anything and I feel like if he leaves for more than an hour I start flipping out and not worrying but feeling like he's out there doing bad on me and I feel angry. He says that I keep him prisoner in our home and I agree that I do. I overreact when I see him speaking to other women and I flip out at the very first sign another woman is in his presence. How can I not. To me he is the world greatest husband anyone could want, but I've lost that because of a stupid insecurity that I so desire in my heart of hearts to restore to a better way of looking at things.

I am an emotional wreck and I know that while he contemplates divorce, I am no where near being fully healed of my problems. We live together, have no children and we have a one income household with loads of financial troubles.

I accuse him of everything under the sun and I often ridicule and belittle him for no reason. He is a special person and he deserves better. Someone out there may be able to love him and appreciate him the way he deserves. I strongly believe that the way we once used to be could be replenished if only I can change my angry ways and attitude towards every outlook presented before me, at this point I'm feeling lost and empty inside because I feel in my heart that he's put up his wall.

I do not want to lose my husband because without him I'd be lost and probably dead. I always say "I don't like you, I want out, I wanna leave, it's not working, but that's because I feel that he wants it so I put up a barrier in my heart to deny my heart the truth and truth hurts. He says he doesn't want to lose me and today he said "the more and more we try to work things out the more you don't want to be closer together", he is right, I've constantly pushed him further and further away. It's all my fault that I'm losing my husband.

This might be it but I don't want to believe it to be true.

Please keep us in your prayers that I may become a better person and wife to him for he is worthy of my undying support and love a wife shall offer to her husband. Please pray that we will be able to reconcile and work this through.

Thank you for listening.

Silent Cries

I am a guy that is also going through what your H is.

I'm sick of it!!! I want out !!!
After the holidays I'm ending it, I have been enduring this abuse for 15 years and it is ruining everthing in my life.
She is slowly killing me... she is turning me into something I'm not.

What is going through you head to treat him like that?

Do you actually think he is going to take being treated like that forever?

Do you think you can change?
Do you think he will believe that you can change?

<small>[ December 16, 2004, 08:57 AM: Message edited by: rocknrace ]</small>

Silent Cries,

I am very impressed by your apparent brutal honesty when examining yourself. Can you do the same when discussing these issues with your H?. If your H has even a little bit of love left for you and you can live the life you acknowledge and you are in counseling, I see a very bright future for your M.


However....


You have some classic symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. Don't take my word for it, see a competent counselor. Best of luck!!

To [Rocknrace]:

In response to your reply

What is going through you head to treat him like that?

---LIKE I HAVE ALREADY STATED, I HAVE OPENLY AND WILLINGLY ACKNOWLEDGED MY FAULTS AND I HAVE OPENLY AMDITTED SETTING MYSELF UP FOR MY OWN DEMISE.

Do you actually think he is going to take being treated like that forever?

---I UNDERSTAND THAT NO MAN OR WOMAN WOULD TAKE BEING TREATED UNFAIRLY, CRUELY OR BRUTAL FOR ANY MATTER, BUT HE ALSO UNDERSTANDS THAT THERE ARE UNDERLYING ISSUES THAT GO BEYOND MY DISORDER.

Do you think you can change?

---I STRONGLY BELIEVE IN MY HEART OF HEARTS THAT I CAN CHANGE AND WILL DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO DO SO. I WILL NOT STOP UNTIL I FEEL LIKE I AM CHANGED FOR THE BETTER AND WILL CONTINUE TO CHANGE AND BE ABLE TO REPLENISH THE LOVE AND TRUST WE DESERVE FOR EACH OTHER.

Do you think he will believe that you can change?

---HE BELIEVES BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO BELIEVE IN ME AND HE GLADLY OBLIGED TO SUPPORT ME IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE.

[[[[ MY REPLY FOR YOUR SITUATION ]]]]

15 YEARS IS TOO LONG AND IT'S YOUR FAULT YOU LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU. I'VE BEEN IN THIS ONE (1) YEAR AND I SEE THE MISTAKES AND ACKNOWLEDGE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM AND I AM FINDING IT MY LAST WILL AND TESTIMONY TO CHANGE. GOOD LUCK TO YOU AFTER 15 YEARS AND 15 HOLIDAYS LATER.

--------------------------------------------------
To [Cymanca]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE "POSITIVE" REPLY AND KNOW THAT I AM WORKING ON GOALS TOWARDS BECOMING A BETTER WIFE AND PERSON.

TODAY AND EVERY DAY I DISCUSS WITH MY HUSBAND ABOUT THE CHANGES THAT I AM MAKING AND THE THINGS THAT I WANT AND FEEL I NEED TO CHANGE WITHIN ME AND HE FULLY AGREES, SO WE ARE BALANCED AND COMMUNICATIVE.

I AM GETTING COUNSELING ONLINE AND IN THE AREA.

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

SILENT CRIES

Hello,

I'm having marital problems as well. Quite a few years (approx. 20) ago a Christian lady friend of mine gave me a book to read before I ever met my husband. The book was FASCINATING WOMENHOOD by Helen Andelin, this book is out of print, so you have to order it at your local chain bookstore or maybe find it on one of the auction sites. Well if I would have read it earlier I might not have been in the predicament I'm in now. It goes against the grain of the feminist movement and takes you back to a more traditional lifstyle. I've started to try it and am hopeful that my husband will respond the way this book says he will respond, but it is not an overnight thing just as it took time to ruin your marriage it will also take time to heal it as well. I pray that God will show you how to change so that your husband will react in a different and loving way. Pray that God changes you because God gives us free will he can't make your husband do something, but he can change you because you asked him to. With that positive change then your husband will respond in quite a different manner. Remember for every action there is a reaction. Try and get this book and it will make you see things a little differently. I'm starting to think differently now that I have actually sat down and started reading it. Dear God show this woman what she needs to do in order to restore her marriage, but first show her how to change in to the person that you would want her to be. Praise God and thank you. "AMEN"

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: nvrnding ]</small>

<small>[ December 17, 2004, 02:17 AM: Message edited by: nvrnding ]</small>

Thank you for that [nvrnding]

I am even more inspired to do what is right as I've been searching down that path to become a better person.

Thank you again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok,
How do I get her to go and finally seek some help for her issues without ripping me apart?

There are several resources in your are that will provide immediate counseling, intake and all. I suggest you get her there, if she doesn't want to after 15 years perhaps it is time that you stand fast on your plans and move on.

Thankfully for me, after 1 year too much, I've come to my full understanding senses that I love him and honor him too much and too strongly to give up on our marriage now.

This is a work in progress, nothing happens overnight but I am adamanant and confident that there is always light at the other end of the tunnell no matter what the circustances or how hard the difficulty times slap us in the face.

I wish you luck on your Journey through healing rocknrace, I'm sorry that it's taken you 15 years to endure such abuse, I've abused my husband for a 1 year and that's all it takes, it shouldn't have come this far but I cannot look in the past, we can only both look at our futures together that will be filled with bliss and love.

Take care.

Silent Cries, I am sorry for your pain-not amused what has happened! I pray for better days ahead!

Thinkin of you and a prayer-sending a little card to let you know I care hope you feel better!

http://www.angelhugs.net/GetWellFlowers.html
Sky