I don't know whether to laugh or cry. My ex WW sent me a Christmas card in which she wished me well and inquired as to my general well-being. She made no mention of her affair or the divorce which she wanted.

This woman, who has hurt me MORE than anybody else has in my entire life, and hurt me LONGER than anybody else has, seems interested in how I am doing. What a joke!

I wouldn't care except that I find this rather hurtful since it brings back all of the past pain, the memories of what our family used to be like, and the now crushed hopes of what could have been.

I guess she is doing this to help her on conscious. Maybe if she thinks we are friends and looking out for each other, that somehow, the affair won't be so bad.

Sorry, just had to vent.

Hi Justin,

I think she's just trying to make herself feel better. When I became involved with my husband all those years ago, I broke off a 5 year relationship with a man who had been in my life off and on since I was in my mid teens. I wanted so much to keep him as a friend. Of course, that was impossible, because I had hurt him so badly. But I wanted to. It wasn't for HIS benefit that I wanted to....it was for mine. Now I understand how he must have felt.

So......my advice? A good shredder will take care of that card very well.

Hi Justin,

I don't believe she's trying to assuage her guilt or sent you the card out of any concern for you.

She did it to reopen the wounds, just like you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I find this rather hurtful since it brings back all of the past pain, the memories of what our family used to be like, and the now crushed hopes of what could have been.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She's keeping herself fresh on your mind. What a horrible thing to do so close to the anniversary of her moving out.

Take gettingthere's advise and shred it.
Better yet, set fire to it!

I don't discount that it hurts to get the card. However, can you really be sure that was her intention, to hurt you.

She may just have no idea it hurts.

So you can choose to tell her how it makes you feel. But I don't think it does anyone any good to assign a motive.

Just tell her what the cards make you feel, and ask her to NOT send them.

You can then judge based on what she does with that information.

Besides, if she does send another card, you don't have to open in, do ya?

TB

I disagree with java.
People don't put their ex's on their Christmas card lists.
Is this the first communication you've had from her since the divorce was final?

I haven't been to this site for a very long time...last time I was here, I was married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Anyway, my divorce was about a year ago. Back in March, my daughter wanted to send my ex a birthday card. So, I let her pick one out and sign it. Then, I asked my son if he would like to sign it too and at first he said no. I said that I was going to just write happy birthday and that I hoped he was doing well. After I signed it, my son decided to as well.

But now, after reading this post, I am wondering if I should have signed it or communicated with him at all since then. Our divorce was pretty ugly and at the time of the birthday card, it was my intention to....reach out and make some civility between us, an olive branch in a way. Maybe I shouldn't have?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mrsed:
<strong> I disagree with java.
People don't put their ex's on their Christmas card lists.
Is this the first communication you've had from her since the divorce was final? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's funny, my wife is divorcing me, yet I'm sending her a Christmas card. I didn't realize I'm not supposed to do that.

The question I have is what is there to gain by assuming a nefarious motive for the ex wife?

Again, I'm not trying to dismiss the hurt, because I'm sure if my WW would leave her OM and start to make moves towards me, I might wonder what she is up to. However, I'm not sure it's healthy or wise to think that we KNOW what the other person is thinking or feeling.

Looking at MB principles, to think we know such a thing is often a DJ. Not to mention Dr. Harley's focus on Radical Honest. I believe one of the reasons for RH is because we cannot accurately know what another person is thinking or feeling.

So I suggest that you take the card for what it is, she wishes you well. Regardless of if she is trying to assuage her guilt or perhaps is beginning to feel remorse, just take comfort in knowing that she recognizes that you have feelings too.

If you don't want her to send cards, then tell her politely (this is RH) that the cards are a source of pain right now, and maybe later, when your feelings are less raw, that you might be better appreciate such sentiments. Maybe say that if I send you a card, then understand it's a signal that I've healed a bit. That might be one way to look at it.

Regardless of motive or lack of motive. Sending well wishes and holiday greetings on the anniversary of your betrayal is in very poor taste.

Helping children acknowledge a parent on their birthday or a holiday is appropriate and admirable, but I don't agree with adding your own signature as well.

Once a marriage or relationship is over any kind of friendly overatures should be directly connected to and for the benefit of the children.

These are my personal opinions based on my own experiences after 23 years of marriage and divorce proceedings that took 2 years to become final.

I truly appreciate and respect everyone else's viewpoint and I admire java's perspective, I wish I were able to be so fair-minded.

I did the most symbolic and MB gesture to my xwh that a girl can do.

My xh is the ultimate cake eater. I am the ultimate pie making diva.

He will usually do something lame for christmas. Like the usual above. A card. Or something from my son...but knowing son did not pick it out..Which makes me mad. But I pretend for son's sake I love the gift. Last year was a very tacky but expensive picture frame wtih a photo of my son on vacation with him in Bahamas ...yes, the preggers ow went on that trip. So it was kinda a knife in the back. An underhanded dull knife in back.

So this year, when he picked up son from school, I sent to school with son, our family christmas card (son on cover, inside my sig line shows me hyphenating my name...for the first time to the world and to family back home,and son's name)...along with it, I sent one of my famous pecan pies...but, alas, a piece was missing. He thinks son ate the pie, son did have the piece, but the missing piece symbolizes alot more. That I am eating a bit of cake and pie myself.

I am a FABULOUSLY SINGLE CAKE AND PIE EATER TOO! Except that I am single...note, not married. I can eat a bit of cake now and then if I want to. All us single girls and guys can now and then.

Justin, your stbxw is just showing you she remembers what she did and wants to fog the future by being your friend...or pretending to be so her conscience will quit bugging the heck outta her. I say, put it back in the mail. Tape it shut so she sees you opened it, but mark on it "return to sender". Then send her an email saying that it was a nice gesture, but you aren't wanting any more cards or letters. That you are beginning anew with your life and she is not a part of it. And that sending you a card at the time when she left is well...very socially inappropriate. I would use those very words...SOCIALLY INAPPROPRIATE.

So give Ms. Grinch what she does not want for christmas. Her conscience to hurt even more. And give her an etiquette lesson as well.

In your sig or tag line you have 3 yr. old illegit son. The child can't help how he was born.I personally think that is offensive.

I decided to ignore the card. Maybe she will get the hint. Maybe not. If she contacts me again, I will politely ask her not to do so unless the welfare of our children is directly involved.

I found a great comment in another MB forum by Just Learning in regards to a WW who did not like her ex BH ignoring her. She wanted him to act civil. JL had a few great things to say to her.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=16;t=000035;p=2

I applaud your decision and wish you all the best on your new journey.


Also thanks for the link...good reading.

sorry to break in justin..

Ms. Allyson: Nobody here is aware of their identities and my sig line says what has happened...incidentally, the xow broke up another relationship also..no child is offensive ever...but the actions of adults are offensive to me...especially when the people get deliberately pregnant and use it as a tool to break a family apart. A child is not a bargaining chip.

Hi Justin,

My WH gave me an anniversary card 2 months ago on our 14th wedding anniversary.I had started off the day trying to ignore that it was my anniversary and just go about my business and I was doing pretty well.My HW was at home during that time for a few days.yuk

Anyway,he confronted me in the upstairs hallway and gave me the card,I opened it,read it,and collapsed from the shear strain of it all.I cried and cried and thus began another revisit to the pain my WH has caused me all along.After I cried which was most of the day I told my WH,"Are you happy now that you destroyed me all over again?" Basically,the card said nothing about recovery,just that HE wanted to unload on me.That he would never forget this day of the year,yada yada yada.It hurt.So I told him to never send me a card again,for anything.

Unless he is my loving husband that cares about me,which he is most definitely NOT anymore,I want nothing from him.He did open old wounds again,as someone else mentioned and I was angry about that.It was just another example of WH doing what HE wanted and not taking into account how I would feel.So I burned the card in my wood stove.Anything coming from my WH now is meaningless to me.If he cared about me at all,he wouldn't have done what he did.I don't know if I will get a Christmas card but if he didn't care about what I said before,I will get one.It will be burned too.

O

As I'm a FWW (1st Marriage) - I think about my EBH on holidays, birthdays..

I have never sent a card..I've thought about calling and if nothing else - telling him I'm happy that he is remarried and has a child. That I am happy he's happy and that I NEVER meant to hurt him..

I'd be doing this to make myself feel better and I don't deserve to use him for my own conscience cleaning out...

My parents are still close to him and his family so I know he's well and happy and that's enough for me.....

He deserved someone to truly love him and create a family with - I wasn't that girl..

JE-- I wanted to say how refreshing your all your posts are and I am so proud that you loved your wife in Christ love! I am deeply sorry for the unrequitted love and that she has lost her moorings!

I wanted to send a bit of God's comfort by e-card your way to cheer and brighten your day! He loves you very much!

http://www.angelhugs.com/FromTheHeart.html

Christ Love,
my love
sky

Thanks sky diver. I really liked the card.

Life is good, even it some people do wrong. Today, I am off to a Christmas concert with a few friends.