My Story
(This story is edited for brevity)
In 1994, my husband was laid off from a very large IT company. After years of company layoffs, they finally got him. (I had been laid off from the same company in 1991.) It hit him very hard; he had been there for 20 years. He looked for a job and couldn't find anything, so he started teaching part time at a small college. He did not like teaching (though he was good at it and his students loved him); the pay was poor - he made about 10% of what he had been earning. But more than that, he lost his status and position in the world.
I also went from stay at home mom for 4 young children (9, 9, 8, and 4) back to work for far less than what I had been earning when I was laid off. But I was simply grateful I had a job and benefits, essential when you are raising a family. I would come home from work to a man who spent the day sleeping on the couch. But my duties as mom remained the same - take care of the house cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, children's care, homework, meals, bill paying. I got no help from him, though I was working more hours and at a further distance than him. His lack of domestic help in our house was a huge source of discontentment between us - we fought over it often with no compromise or resolution. He accused me of trying to appear to be 'a martyr' every time I brought up the subject. I finally stopped bringing it up, but the resentment continued to grow. My love for him began dying.
My H literally cried every day about his situation (I am not exaggerating) and wanted me to hold him and comfort him. I could do this for a while, but it got frustrating after so many months of it. We'd talk about the same thing, come to the same conclusion (he needed a 'real' job), and end the same way. I felt like his mother. I saw my H go from a confident, assertive, intelligent, mature man to a weeping, sobbing, insecure, frustrated shadow of a man over the next 3 years. He looked for a position based on 20 years of experience, an MBA, etc. and could find nothing. We went through all of our savings. He cried every day. The toll emotionally and financially on our marriage was devastating. I lost a great deal of respect for my H because of the way he handled his situation. Finally in 1997, my H found another position and we packed up the family and moved 2000 miles from home.
We settled into our new home and he seemed happy with his new job. I found a job in 2000 that I was pretty happy with. The kids were all in school and seemed to have adjusted. I thought we were repairing the damage our marriage had suffered those years. In 2000, my H decided to join the volunteer fire department just for fun (he comes from a family of firefighters - his father and grandfather) which was just a stone's throw from our neighborhood. He started spending all his free time - evenings and weekends - in training, going on calls, or just hanging out with his friends over at the fire station.
In 2001, he was laid off again from his new company. He immediately launched into his MO for handling the rejection of this situation - weeping, crying, sobbing on my shoulder every day when I got home from work. We all know what happened in 2001 (9/11) and what happened to the economy - there was a recession! My H again could not find a job, but no amount of comforting was enough for him. After months of crying, I turned off from him, turned away from him. I couldn't comfort him and I couldn't handle the stress of his joblessness and his crying, his helplessness, his hopelessness, his depression. My love for him was dying.
He got further and further entrenched in the volunteer fire department, got EMT training, and was elected EMT lieutenant of the station. He bought a pager and a scanner so he could keep tabs on everything that was going on. It was on in our bedroom 24 hours a day, loud enough to hear it if he was in the next room. When calls came in at 2 am, he'd leap out of bed and go. Return at 4am and sleep till 3 pm the next day. It became his life. I hated it.
The fighting between us began again. I did not like this situation at all. I thought he should be looking for a job to support his family, not out at 3 am at some fire or accident only to sleep the following day. I would come home from work to a man who spent the day sleeping on the couch! My duties were still the same - work all day, take care of the house cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, children's care, homework, meals, bill paying, and now we had a pool to clean (mine too)! Oh, and comfort him in his woe. Talk to him and hold him while he cried. My love for him was dying.
My H decides he wants to go back to school and train for 2 years to become a paramedic. I am not enthusiastic about this because it means 2 years of him not looking for a job, spending money on school, only to come out at the end to make barely more than minimum wage and no guarantee of a paying job (my H is 54 at this time). He does it anyway. My love for him was dying.
Ah, but the plot thickens! My dear H doesn't think I am 'supportive' enough for him. Because I don't like what he's doing, how he's spending his time (at the fire department/school) and energy (at the fire department/school), I am angry with him and not 'supporting' him. He turns to an 'old friend' (D. who is married with 2 children and lives near his father) who he ran into at the funeral of a very good friend of his, and starts corresponding with her via email. This starts in late 2001 and goes through 2002. He totally turns away from me. Will not touch me, turns his back on me every night in bed (literally turns away from me), won't talk to me, treats me like dirt. The arguments continue and the D word (divorce) enters the picture. I begin to suspect he is seeing another woman (ahhh, woman's intuition!).
It's now 2003, I start asking around at the fire station about his relationships with the women that hang out there (and there are plenty of them). Nothing. I go into his email and there it is - love letters to his dear D., a woman he had briefly dated when he was 27, well before we'd even met. I confront him and he denies (of course) and goes underground, puts a password on his email account. This only infuriates me more. He swears she is only a 'special friend' and that's all. Nothing more. But I think back to his trips to visit his father (without me and the kids) - she lives near his father. I know she is more than just a special friend. My love for him is dying.
And when I finally figure out how to hack into his email in March of this year, my suspicions are confirmed. My H and D. are involved in a very deep and torrid emotional affair. They are madly in love with each other. He swears undying passion and a commitment to be with her in the future. They have managed to conduct an affair via email, phone calls, and infrequent trips back home. Her husband knows nothing of this affair. After putting spyware on our computer, I gain access to every piece of correspondence between them. And it devastates me. My love for him is dying.
Not only am I supporting this bum while he goes to school to become a paramedic, he has betrayed my trust in him, totally emotionally rejected me, shows no sign of trying to support our family, and is carrying on with a married woman. And he is totally in love with her, she is his SOULMATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! (If I ever hear that word again!) He shows no gratitude for me 'stepping up to the plate' and financially and emotionally supporting our family to the best of my ability for what had again happened to us. I am stunned. I am infuriated. My love for him is dying.
I file for divorce in May. He asks me not to. I tell him I'll withdraw it if he has no contact with D. and agrees to marriage counseling. He agrees, but it doesn't last long. He starts corresponding with her again, talking about moving to North Carolina with her after he graduates. I am furious! I am supporting him and he's talking about moving to NC with another woman! The counseling sessions never start. Meanwhile, we are fighting like banshees now. I know all about his affair, more than he can imagine. I read all their correspondence, about their conversations on the phone, how they talk about being together, both leaving their families behind (how could he do that!) and starting a new life. The pain inside me cannot be described. I am so hurt by this man.
He goes to see her in August. I know all about it. He says he's going to say goodbye. When he returns home, I again intercept an email telling her of his undying love but if she won't leave her husband, he has to say goodbye and will not talk to her again. But in addition to that, I intercept an email to a NEW woman - L. - who he met on his trip home. It talks about their great conversation and how he looks forward to 'getting to know her' more.
Needless to say, my shock and hurt is beginning to wear off by this time (out of self preservation I suppose). I am beginning to think more and more about being without this man. I know I can survive physically and financially. And I'm beginning to believe I will be far better off without him emotionally. My love for him has died. My wish for an intact family that will grow old together is dying. My children are almost grown (youngest is 15) and can continue a relationship with their father if they want to (they know all about what has gone on) separate from me.
My love for this man is dead. I sincerely mean that. I'd rather be alone. I do not like him anymore. I have no respect for him. I do not admire him. I want to be away from him. I refilled for divorce in September and it is moving forward.
In your vast experiences MBers, can the love ever return? Does it ever come back?
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