(((titleist)
Tough question. I didn't fast. I did pray. I strugggled and struggled...and frankly still struggle to an extent wondering if I did the right thing or if I should have waited longer because I do still have feelings for him. XH was NOT going to file. he was perfectly content to stay married and be with OW--I think just keeping me on the string in case he got tired of her.
I do believe God hates divorce and that we should do what we can to avoid it. And it is painful!!
The event that thrust me over the edge and to my attorney's office to file was the night he threatened my parents' property which is in life estate..his name is sort of on the property along with mine, and he was drunk and insinuating that he might make my parents, who are broke, buy out his piece.
But getting to that point: I'm one of those people who has always said I need God to put a billboard in front of my face in order for me to know what he wants me to do. Seems that each time I prayed that he'd give me guidance, my XH would so something totally hurtful and unfeeling.
That, coupled with the financial threats, the fact that he had moved OW in with him and the affair had been going on for nearly a year, and his admitting that he didn't intend to give up drinking (one of the criteria for my taking him back)...all rolled together helped me to file.
Also, I figured if I filed and he really was repentant and wanted me back, he had three months in which to do so before the DV was final. While he admitted he was angry when I filed, he never made a move toward reconciliation during the 3 months. In fact, things actually got uglier, I think because at that point OW knew she was "winning" and she was pushing hard to keep us at each other's throats, or keep us from speaking to each other at all.
I'm not sure what to say in your situation. I see, like me, you have been on both sides of the fence. I apologize for not remembering your exact situation. That, for me, did make my decision tougher because I kept saying to myself "but YOU were unfaithful, too". BUT...I was very, very sorry for what I did, I turned from it, I changed my ways, I asked for God's forgiveness, and I'm struggling still to forgive myself.
My XH has not shown signs that he wants to change. Sure, he's said he's sorry...but he kept right on living the same way--seeing her.
In your case, your wife's history does not bode well for her. Sure, she could change, and perhaps you should wait longer if you're really unsure. But her example is also doing your kids no good, and they're old enough to understand that you're tolerating it (believe me...I've been scolded lots for what I allowed my kids to see me tolerate!).
Not sure what state you're in so not sure what the waiting period is for DV there. If it's several months or more, you could file and make it clear that if your wife shows TRUE signs of change, you would be willing to reconsider. I did that 12 years ago. I filed during XH's first affair, then put the final court date on hole, twice, when he gave up OW and stopped drinking. I wanted to be sure he had changed before I took him back. (Though guess in the end, I was still fooled.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )
And even if you DV, you could always remarry, too.
As for legal separation, I considered it only briefly. In Iowa, it's basically a DV that just doesn't allow the parties to remarry. As my attorney said, the stroke of a pen will change a legal separation to a divorce. At the time I filed, I had decided I was no longer trying to save the marriage. I had accepted that there was nothing I could do to change him.
My heart goes out to you and to everyone who is struggling with whether or not to file. It is no doubt the most difficult decision I've made in my life after what was probably the most difficult year of my life. But God does give strength.
LL
LL
