Havent posted in here yet. I did everything I could to avoid this, but I am going through with the divorce I think.

John-I am very sorry that your marriage has arrived to this stage.

Because your are hurting. I want to leave with you with one of my own favorite poems to comfort you during this dark passage.

At Christmas and Always

God loves you with a Father's heart and guides you with His light-Created in His image, you are precious in His sight.

You can trust He'll bless and keep you though life's problems may arise, For His grace is never-failing and His plans, divine and wise.

You have a friend, a champion, a help in all you do, You have an everlasting love-
because God cares for you!!!

Smiles from across the miles,
Christ Love
Lovingly
Sky

John, there is some similarity in our situations. What exactly are you saying when you say you've given up on recovery? And WHY are you giving up?

I guess saying i am giving up isnt the right words, how about I have done all I can living in seperate homes, and she isnt ready to live togeather.

I cant MAKE her want to work this out. I am just tired of the yo yo feeling.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by john3479:
<strong> I guess saying i am giving up isnt the right words, how about I have done all I can living in seperate homes, and she isnt ready to live togeather.

I cant MAKE her want to work this out. I am just tired of the yo yo feeling. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to hear it. I do understand and can relate. For me, ending the yo yo was about moving out. And the peace (for me, of being alone) is well worth it. I hope you can find your peace as well - wherever it may be. It is hard to work on things when you are not together, but it can be hard when you ARE together as well. Only time will tell which is worse... take care and HUGS to you.

John, I don't know much about your situation other than what you have in your profile. From that I see 4 key factors. First, you are FWH which I interpret as that you strayed from your marriage but you are no longer straying. That's a huge decision. Instead of running, you stayed and faced the pain. I'm there with you. It's a hard place but a good place I think. Second, you've been together 15 years. That's a long time and that says to me that there is a long time of joyful shared memories to protect and maybe also (as in my case) a long time of resentments and painful memories to contend with.
Third, you have 2 children, ages 12 and 14. To me, kids are a HUGE reason to keep trying even after it looks like there is no hope (and that is where I am). Last, your wife stopped the divorce on 12-10-04. That's not that long ago. Maybe you thought you'd be back in the house and you're not and that is particularly depressing at this holiday time. I'm still at home but my wife confirmed to me that she is only letting things ride until after the holiday and then she will forge ahead with divorcing me. It looks grim at best. It's not a yo-yo feeling because it's a consistent message of 'I don't love you, I don't want to be married to you because you cheated on me.' But it has been yo-yo for the last 3+ years. Ever since D-day. Whatever may happen in the future I'm grateful for the up times of the last 3 years. Yes, the down times have been horrendous. But I am grateful for the times of love, companionship, and mutual support. My wife can be such a wonderful companion; she also has a horrific side of raging and almost-total blindness to her own issues that flares from time to time. Well, I'm not exactly an unmixed bag myself!

I don't know if any of this encourages you or not. It's a rough road. I was thinking today that in MB terms, virtually none of my EN are being met and maybe that is why I don't FEEL a lot of love for my wife right now. But thoughts of the future I desire (how what will happen will impact our kids) and some of the pleasant memories of the past (and I try to remember the pleasant and not the unpleasant ones) keep me trying (maybe futilely at last) to save my marriage. Well, maybe it's not so much trying to save my marriage but I just keep trying to do what I think is the next right thing for me to do and we'll see what God's will is for our marriage.

Do you have any men offering you real-life support for your efforts?

Actually after talking with her today things are not as bad as I thought. But I am still having some doubts.

As far as support. Thats a tough one. Im not trying to downplay an affair, but I truly wish that was all I was dealing with.

We have started trying to address what led our marriage to this point, and we have both agreed that her parents had alot to do with it. They have a control over her you would not believe.

We are not just trying to recover from an affair, she is also trying to recover from incest at the hands of her dad. So support?? Not hardly, out of respect for her I dont say much about what has caused alot of our problems. Thats not something for me to share with people who know us both. She doesnt have a problem with me posting some of it on here, but to go to people that we both know personally wouldnt set well with her yet.

John,

i'm hearing the confusion on your part.
Is it possible that she too is just as confused?

I sense a mixed message, out of curiosity, how do you think that may effect her?

Is it possible that she too senses any mixed messages from your behalf? Remember, our actions can and will be louder than our words,,??

I'm a little familair with your situation,,,
and also John, in my opinion, i reall ythink that the majority of marriages can be saved/healed, a lot easier than most are aware, and even give credit for.

Often i'll read/hear that it takes a low of hard work!??? Maybe with some it's hard, others it may be easier,,, it's all about a choice.

and, "it's never too late!"

You both know each others likes, including dislikes, right? IF she is willing to spend any time with you? is it possible you could wine/dine and romance her? w/o any talk what-so-ever about anything from the past R?

MAybe the both of you can just go to a movie, make it a comedy though. everybody likes and needs more laughter in their live.

only trying to be of help

Stephan