Lordslady,

I don’t usually write on this board but I thought I’d chime in on this situation.

I think your best bet will be to write a letter to your credit card company asking them to close the account and send it return receipt requested. Stop calling them. I’d also CC your XH at the bottom of the letter and provide him a copy, as well.

It might not be the best strategy, however, because credit card companies will often jack the rates of a credit card if you close it while it still has a balance. If your H gets angry and refuses to pay the card, you will still be liable for the debt and your credit might suffer – at least for as long as it might take you to go to small claims court and get a judgment and who has time for all that nonsense?!

The best suggestion that I can make to you would be to write a letter (return receipt requested) asking them to lower the credit card limit to whatever the balance is + 100. That way you will be protected from future charges and it will probably make it more likely that he’d be willing to close it anyway. By communicating with them in writing, you preserve more of your rights and are much more likely to get a response. The chances are that they will honor that request without changing the terms of the card. The INSTANT you see it paid, fire off another letter asking them to close it.

Just as an aside, I never close credit cards over the phone anymore. I always write letters so that I have a good written record of my correspondence with them. Talking to them on the phone always just seems to take forever and accomplish much less than a 5 minute letter.

I’d do the letter (which ever way you decide) even if he says he’s going to do the right thing and close the card or pay off the balance. The worst case scenario will be that they’ll get the letter in reference to an all ready closed account.

Happy Holidays – whatever celebration you choose!

Mys

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Also - make sure you get copies of your credit reports from all three credit agencies, and check them carefully. Especially if your ex has trouble getting credit without your salary being considered. It is EXTREMELY easy for someone to get credit in both spouses names. And the companies won't check to see if you're divorced. Granted, if he did something like that, it would be fraud, and you should be able to get out of being liable for it eventually, but it will be a lot of hassle and possibly cost you some money in the process. And if you're having trouble getting the CC company just to freeze this one account, it might be next to impossible to take care of the problems if he gets more credit in both of your names.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is very good advice.

In addition to checking your credit report, you can further protect yourself by contacting the three main credit reporting agencies (TransUnion, Experian, and Equifax) directly and asking them to place a fraud alert in your file. That alert does NOT affect your credit score. Instead, it tells any agency that pulls that report to take extra steps to verify your identity before extending credit. The downside to having a fraud alert is that you will no longer be eligible for 'instant' credit decisions on new lines of credit. Any credit issuer will have to take more stringent means to make sure that any credit extended goes to YOU. Most alerts expire after a period of time unless they are renewed.

Mys

LL,

Any letters you send keep a copy for yourself--

As far as your ex-h goes--I would suggest any letters to him be sent certified return reciept requested--and if you can get it set up that he is the only one who can sign for it--all the better--

Keep all receipts and copies of all of those letters as well w/ the receipts attached to them--for your records--that way if there is a need to go back to court--you have proof that you have tried to resolve the matter---

I do keep copies of all I send to him. And the packet-o-bills he owes me for went out certified, return receipt yesterday. The question is, when the certified notice comes in his mailbox, will he ever actually go pick up the packet from the post office and sign for it, or will he just let it sit there forever?

And while we're talking about him, explain why I still care about this guy, feel very bad for him and very sorry for what he's done to his life...worry about his future and his eternity even...

...When he didn't even take the time to return the text his daughter left him or the voice message his son left today wishing him a Merry Christmas. He's not spoken to either of them (or given them so much as a card) this holiday season.

LL

Just a brief thought. If ex spent only $500 on engagement ring, that can't be much of a ring. Diamond must be the size of a grain of salt. So, they go to Paris, and she shows off her ring? Bet people are really impressed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

True...

However (and I know inflation applies here to an extent), he spent only $350 on mine 20 years ago, so it appears she did rate at least as high or higher in his book than I did.

Frankly, I don't care about diamond size. Never been that into impressing people with rings. I would have been just as happy with a band. I don't care if it's the size of a pinhead, if I end up having to pay for any of it.

LL

Do you know if he's registered the card online? Maybe you could do that and get your name off it that way?

Online access: I have it already, since the CC is with the bank I do all my other banking at. I can access it, see transactions (except for tonight--system must be goofed up), make an online payment, etc.

I just can't change the specifics of the account (like who is on it), or close the account, or change the credit limit without talking to a live human being (and I have to then sound like a man because they'll only do the changes for my XH).

--------------------------------------------
Speaking of the X and his new woman, they don't sound very happy. I got a teeny tiny bit of what they owe me today (the nov/dec ortho payments)...still owe me around $2,000 in legal fees, etc.

But I had to call them about something that came out of my account for life insurance that was supposed to have been cancelled, and I got OW when I called XH's phone.

Apparently he was asleep. She was as grumpy as ever, but when I was asking my questions she kept saying stuff like, "I can't take care of everything. I can't keep doing this. This is not mine to take care of, etc."

I said, "Well, I'm trying to call HIS phone so that I can talk directly with him so you don't have to be in the middle."

And she mumbled something to the effect that she knows...it's not my problem. I responded back that I understand how he is...dealt with it for 19 years of marriage. She didn't respond back.

I think they're at each other's throats because she's now working and she's tired and he's still expecting her to be the 100% housewife that he always wanted me to be. I failed at that, but I did take care of all his business/financial matters. She is apparently trying to do the same and getting sick of it.

I start to feel bad for her because I can guess the kind of atmosphere she's living in right now, but then I remember she was the one who took him from a marriage anyway.

Then I feel sorry for him, because deep inside I think he's just a screwed-up little boy who is so far down the tubes he feels there's no way to fix things. Then I remember he chose her over me and that there's nothing I can do for him.

Then I feel sorry for both of them because it's just an ugly mess. No money. Him drinking. Her b*tching. A 2-year-old crying because they're stuck in the middle of it all. Him passing kidney stones and feeling miserable all the time, and not being able to go to the doctor because he's currently without health insurance. An ex-wife coming after them for $2,000+ in bills, and no relief for the forseeable future with child support and college payments due.

It has to be really disheartening for him, because last I knew he'd turned completely away from God so has nothing to cling to.

I sort of worry, because I read that suicide thread over on GQII last night and I could see my XH doing some of the stuff that one person mentioned. I pray it never comes to that.

I just wish he'd hit bottom and live through it, so he could maybe straighten himself out, if not for me anymore, maybe for the little 2yr-old who now looks at him as her "daddy".

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I start to feel bad for her...
Then I feel sorry for him...
Then I feel sorry for both of them...
I just wish he'd hit bottom and live
through it, so he could maybe straighten
himself out... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do this very same thing all the time and then he goes and does something so horrible that I wonder how I could ever feel sorry for him or his pathetic life.

I spent 23 years trying to help him get over his mother's controlling and manipulating and 9 times out of 10 he would end up doing things her way and by doing so, telling me to take a hike.

The main reason our marriage ended was because I stopped being part of the crazy triangle he and his mother had drug me into and made him responsible for his own decisions and actions. He immediately found an OW who hated his mother and would help him keep the viscious circle going.

Now he has another OW/new wife who is the spitting image of his mother and so far from what I hear they like each other...I guess he will never be able to function on his own.

Best of luck to you lordslady...especially with your precious daughter.

ll and mrsed, I do the same thing you described. I used to get so angry at myself for being fooled once again, but now I realize that it's part of my nature to be caring and that's not a bad thing.

It's hard not to feel sorry for STBXWH. He threw away everything important in his life - not only his business and his reputation, but most importantly his relationship with his son who he refused to talk to for two years up until his son committed suicide this past June, and his relationship with his mother for the past four years, with whom he was very close, but who's now institutionalized with dementia. I know the pain I feel over those losses and can't imagine the guilt he must feel added to the grief. Even without these recent tragedies, his life with MOW consists of little more than partying and fighting, from what I've heard. My positive memories of STBX are that he was smart, charming, successful, and full of infectious enthusiasm. Now he's an object of pity or scorn.

But, like you said, as soon as I get really soft hearted toward him, he goes and does something hateful, aggravating, or just plain ridiculous.
Ultimately, the less I see him and/or hear about him, the better I feel.

Well,well... I am pleasantly surprised. Just logged into my credit card info (the joint one I can't cancel) and by golly the happy couple finally made a payment! Albeit, it's only the minimum, but it IS a payment.

And OW sent me an email which I have not yet responded to. They finally went to the post office today and picked up the package of bills I mailed them on the 24th. She's reviewing it and says they will mail a check and the signed quit claim deed to my house next Tuesday. (Of course she didn't mention how much they will be sending me...but at least it sounds like something may be on the way.)

Keeping my fingers crossed.

LL