Well, I have some stuff still at H's house and he had asked that after the first week I call before I come for my stuff. So, after I thought I had everything, I left the GDO there for him. Since I realized I forgot a few things, I E-Mailed him, and here is the response I got:

"As for what works for me, I am pretty flexible and am even willing to drop things off to you assuming you were OK with that. I am asking for the courtesy of advanced notice to avoid a situation that could be awkward for us both if I have company and you just walk in."

SO, what do I make of this? Does he have a GF? Or does he want me to think he does? I find this offensive and in-your-face. I want to respond with something nasty and sarcastic, but of course I won't. We are still married, and I haven't even been gone a week yet. There is no D in process either. Am I wrong to feel this is inappropriate on his part? How should I respond to this? Any clever ideas? He just CAN'T wait to get his new social life going... or is he trying to rub my face in it so I'll think he's the life of the party now that I'm gone? I'm furious - and probably don't have the right to be.

And I do NOT want him coming here - this is my place and I don't want to share it with him. This is the second time he's suggested he bring me my stuff. He doesn't even have the address and is dying to know where I live.

Sometimes it pays to not take things personally.

Would you want him to show up at your residence unannounced? Well, he may feel he deserves the same respect.

Try not to take it too personally and to honor his request. Consider it being courteous. Don't look at it as honoring his request for privacy. Just do it because it is more courteous to let someone know before you show up at their door.

I say the best way to respond is with the advanced notice of when you would like to go get the rest of your things.

Don't even acknowledge his comments. He is most likely just trying to get to you.

I have had a few similar situations but X would say something like " I don't want to just stop by, what if you have company"

I got the feeling from her more than once that she was just trying to get information out of me. She seemed to be waiting for me to say that I had a GF.

You are probably right that I'm making too much of this. I am the considerate one of us, however, and not the one who would just show up anyway. I always hated it when he changed his plans at the last minute and showed up when he was not supposed to and I had other plans. He also KNOWS how much I hated it when his father would do this, and that my family was NEVER allowed to do that - so why he'd think I'd do that is beyond me. He's tried too many times to "clarify" his position and I think he's trying to make me think he is happily moving on.

However, here's the deal for me - if he DOES start seeing someone, especially this quickly and while we are still married with no D in the works - that is a deal breaker for me. There can be no reconciliation for me if that's what's going on. He's already on thin ice regarding trust and respect - and I have no use for people trying to hurt one another either.

first, what was your communication to your H as to why you are living separate? Did you(plural) make any agreements about expectations?

If not, and if I remember your description of him, he will use this opportunity to his own advantage, using his interpretation. . . just because yours might be a different interpretation, doesn't mean that his is wrong. .

now about that communication, what are your understands and agreements about this time period. .

and if you say none, then you are pretty controlling to expect that he has behave as you do. . . or you think he should. . . you decide if you find his behavior acceptable, if you do, fine, if you don't, what are you going to do about it?

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong> first, what was your communication to your H as to why you are living separate? Did you(plural) make any agreements about expectations?

If not, and if I remember your description of him, he will use this opportunity to his own advantage, using his interpretation. . . just because yours might be a different interpretation, doesn't mean that his is wrong. .

now about that communication, what are your understands and agreements about this time period. .

and if you say none, then you are pretty controlling to expect that he has behave as you do. . . or you think he should. . . you decide if you find his behavior acceptable, if you do, fine, if you don't, what are you going to do about it?

wiftty </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We did not make any agreements however he repeatedly said even in the waning days that he has never cheated on me and doesn't see that changing anytime soon. So, I guess I read something into that statement.

BUT my real issue isn't about what he does, but his need to rub it in my face. There is NO reason he can't just say he appreciates consideration of a phone call - he does NOT have to suggest I might be walking in on him and someone else. He has tried several times to make sure I get this message. I find it mean spirited and punitive. Maybe I don't want to see this side of him. But the more of it I see, the less respect I have for him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he has never cheated on me and doesn't see that changing anytime soon. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what's his definition of cheating?

the fact that you just moved out with no discussion leaves all interpretations open. . . his interpretations of your actions are open to whatever he feels. . .

both you and your H's communications are woefully inadequate for a stable relationship. . . If you both can't communicate openly, with similar interpretations of the verbage, then the marriage will never make it. . .

I am sure that without any communication from you as to who, what, where, when and why you moved out, that he is assuming that you have abandoned the marriage, and he is free to do whatever he wants, which is how I would interpret it in his shoes. . .

wiftty

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong> [QUOTE]

the fact that you just moved out with no discussion leaves all interpretations open. . . his interpretations of your actions are open to whatever he feels. . .

both you and your H's communications are woefully inadequate for a stable relationship. . . If you both can't communicate openly, with similar interpretations of the verbage, then the marriage will never make it. . .

I am sure that without any communication from you as to who, what, where, when and why you moved out, that he is assuming that you have abandoned the marriage, and he is free to do whatever he wants, which is how I would interpret it in his shoes. . .

wiftty </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, first of all there HAS been lots of discussion over a period of more than a year, and especially over the past 4 months. I thought we were making progress (until this fall), but he was not honestly sharing his feelings. He admits this now, but is still not able to articulate to me - or his friends - anything that makes sense. Not that I'm perfect, but I can't read minds and draw the line at being responsible for that. One mutual friend - trying to make sense of it - thinks H expected me to make his life whole (which is apparently the role of a soul mate) and an escape from his dysfunctional family. Then when his life was not working, he blamed me for not living up to the (implied) promise to fix his life.

He knows why I moved out. He was crystal clear that he wanted a D and there was no changing his mind. If you knew him, you'd know he meant it and would not back down. He suggested moving out himself - it didn't take me long to realize I hated our house, didn't want to live there, and didn't want to be saddled with the costs, maintenance and repairs needed - none of which I could do. It was me or him leaving. He can afford the house and can do the work it needs - I can't. I also didn't want to sell it in the condition it is in now - we'd have lost lots more doing that, and neither of us able to move on financially. We made the best financial decision - and it was after lots of discussion and assessment of options.

My decision to leave was a decision on my part to give up on the M. I felt - and still do - that I would be in a better spot if I was the one to leave (in every respect.) The main reason is that when we had problems a year ago, I talked him into trying to work it out. He now blames me for having wasted another year of his life and thinks I duped him (because he still doesn't have the life he wants). He has said repeatedly that he should not have "given in" - I, of course, assumed we were MUTUALLY interested in working things out and that it was not about me getting my way and him giving in. In light of all that, my recent decision was based on the fact that if HE didn't reach the decision that HE wanted to make things work, it was not going anywhere. I am not willing to proceed thinking we have mutual feelings about the future, only to learn later he wasn't really engaged after all. As long as he is feeling coerced or duped, it is less than useless to go down that path again.

So I decided to give him what he says he wants. If he was right about that making him happy, he should be happy. If not, well, at least he couldn't blame me anymore for it. So, set him free. If he comes back... you know the Jonothan Livingston Seagull drill. Though now I'm not sure I want him back, but that's another saga.

It was a VERY hard thing for me to do - turn my back and be prepared to put my money where my mouth was. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to back down, beg, look for other options, etc. But in the end, I truly believed (still do) this was the only viable option for either of our futures. Only he can decide if he threw away something valuable, or gained something valuable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he has never cheated on me and doesn't see that changing anytime soon. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what's his definition of cheating?

the fact that you just moved out with no discussion leaves all interpretations open. . . his interpretations of your actions are open to whatever he feels. . .

both you and your H's communications are woefully inadequate for a stable relationship. . . If you both can't communicate openly, with similar interpretations of the verbage, then the marriage will never make it. . .

I am sure that without any communication from you as to who, what, where, when and why you moved out, that he is assuming that you have abandoned the marriage, and he is free to do whatever he wants, which is how I would interpret it in his shoes. . .

wiftty </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Coming back to this again and re-reading - I apologize for not taking time to absorb what you are saying. You are right - I am not making any effort at communication any more. But I also have found communication at this point to be really difficult and I don't know how to handle it. You've found many of the things I've been unsure of how to handle, and therefore have been avoiding.

If I hadn't moved out, he would have - and I couldn't afford to stay there. So if I didn't abandon the marriage, he would have and my life would have been worse than it is this way. I really didn't see any other choices. I still don't know what else I could have done that wouldn't have compromised my own future.

Now, about my expectations for his behavior - again very confusing to me. What right do I have to tell him how to behave when he has already said he wants a D, and doesn't want a future with me any longer? I really have no idea what else I could have done. I can't make him do anything - once he's declared himself free of me, I have no influence and no hold on him.

He had agreed to postpone the legalities until all the living and financial arrangements were completed - and hasn't brought up the D again since then. But it's his decision not mine - I can't stop any action he wants to take. If I start pressuring him now, he'll just move forward with the D - whereas maybe he's just stalling now because he is unsure what he wants.

I don't know how I feel anymore about this M. Some days I want it over with, and other days I feel like there might be a chance for us. I just don't know. But I don't want to drive him away, and I don't want to burn bridges.

I feel like I'm walking a tightrope and there's no net below.

As I reread what I just wrote, it sounds really like I'm being a victim. I admit I have chosen to wait things out for awhile to see if he still wants to proceed with the D. What actions are available to me? I can push to end it, or I can sit and wait it out - what else is there? If I end it, I'm definitely abandoning the M, and if I wait it out, I have no control or influence over his actions in the meantime. I don't see a win-win for me. WIFTY, if I'm missing something here - please share. I don't like being in this spot, but only see choices on the two extremes.