Hi everyone. I'm new to the site. I have been seperated from my husband for three months. We are going through a divorce. I moved back home to be with my family and I found out from him yesterday that he was bringing his new GF to town to spend Christmas with his family. I am so angry. We were married 6 years and I can't understand how I am being replaced so quickly. Why does he feel the need to tell me what he is doing with this girl?

<small>[ December 26, 2004, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: sweethomenm ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Who knows why they do what they do? Did he have this girlfriend before you split up?

By the way, Merry Christmas. Stick with us, it does get much better.

sweethomenm

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why does he feel the need to tell me what he is doing with this girl?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">hmm, i wonder if it could have something to do with selfish? inconsiderate?

With being replaced so quickly, he thinks he's in love,, again, and he's high-hooked on a feeling.

I'm sorry that you're here, but it is a pretty good place to be! sometimes. SOmetimes it can be depressing as well-, considering...
MB is a Very helpful, and educational place.

HAve questions, need answers, there are plenty of MB'ers to help you, just ask. Need a place to vent, give it here also,,, we'll help as much as possible,, and hang in there,

Merry CHristmas-
stephan

Merry Christmas to you too. It was the end of Sep. when my husband told me we needed some time apart. I moved out the next weekend and about 3 weeks later he finally told me he was interested in someone else. He spent a lot of time at work and this OW was someone he worked with. I don't know the specifics as to whether they had been seeing each other or how long they had been seeing each other. A month later he handed me divorce papers. It is so hard to understand. I didn't think he would want a divorce so quickly.

Hi again sweethomenm

filing for divorce so quickly, again- he's hooked on his feeling. Those chemicals are relaesed, and he's high-again.

Where are you with all of this? Do you know that most A's do not last?

Any children? IF so, how many/ages?

There are no guarantees,,,
stephan

Wow -- that was, indeed, fast! My WW told me about OM (along with all the usual "our marriage was a mistake / divorce doesn't harm children / etc." stuff) almost that quickly, but -- fortunately or unfortunately for her and her "soul mate" (who never did tell _his_ wife about the affair until she had found out about it and confronted him) -- we live in a state that requires 12 months' separation before divorce papers can even be filed.

Hope your Christmas has been better than it sounds like it might have been, and wishing you the true peace that truly passes understanding.
SurvivingInNC

Well I don't have any children. Right now I am just doing a lot of praying. At first I thought that my H just had feelings for this OW. I asked him to not talk to her while we tried to work things out but that was something he did not want to do. Later on I told him I wanted nothing to do with him if he was going to have contact with her. He cried and cried and I gave in to him. When he gave me the divorce papers I told him I was not going to sign them. He became furious and bugged me everyday for about 2-3 weeks. Finally it all became so emotionally draining that I just signed the papers. This OW had a boyfriend and a daughter with him. He later found out of my H's and her relationship and moved out of the house. My H says that since he moved out he and this OW are no closer than ever. He has told me several times that they are trying to start a relationship. I moved back home to be with my family for support and just to figure out what I needed to do for myself. I had come to the conclusion that I was going to keep communication with him and try not to talk about our situation. It went good for one phone call. We talked for about an hour about a lot of different things. It was good conversation. But the next time we talked he was back to being a jerk. He is from the same town and when I found out from him yesterday that he was bringing this OW here I was just devastated. I had a bad night but today is better. I've realized I need to just leave him alone. I do want to reconcile but I have come to realize that I cannot force him to do anything. I just pray that he will open his heart to the Lord and he will come back. I don't want things to go back to how they used to be I was not very happy either. But I do love him and I would like to start our relationship over and bring back that communication and those old feelings we used to have. I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing.

Hi,

If you read my thread on the 'divorcing' thread then you may know that I created a situation in my marriage very similar to what your husband has done. I'm now in the reverse position of desperately wanting back etc etc.

There's a couple of things I would say to you right now. The first is that I'm afraid while he is like this then there is very little you can do, but I would say that it's very likely that the A will end in time and he will come out of the "fog" and realise what a pratt he's been. It will certainly NOT help you giving in to him just now. He is completely blind to anything you say or do.

The big thing unfortunately is that you are going to have to learn the meaning of TIME, this is going to take a lot of it. I didn't believe it at the start of my journey but boy have I learnt since.

You'll find the people on this site very very helpful, read and listen to what they say to you. If it would help feel free to email me and I can tell you what goes through the mind of a wayward H!.

Graeme

Graeme, thanks for your help. I've come to realize that he is in a fog and is not taking in anything I tell him. I do want to use this time for myself to work on some things that I need to change. Would you say I'm doing the right thing by just staying away from him? I've changed my cell phone # and moved back to our hometown. I just fear that he will totally forget about me.

Maybe I should tell you what my wife did and how I reacted. Quite bluntly, we continued to have a physical relationship - for 3 years. My reaction - great I can have my cake and eat it. I was quite happy to continue like that, there was no need for me to act any differently. When I look back now it was absolutely horrific and I cannot even begin to think of the pain she went through. I was totally oblivious to her feelings and actions.

After 3 years she told me enough was enough, she wanted just to be friends and not lovers. Boy did that wake me up. Almost overnight I came out of the fog and realised what a mistake I was making. Unfortunately for me by that time she meant it, so I have spent the last 9 months trying to repair some of the damage.

Now of course I don't know what would have happened if she had just cut me off from the start. I think in my own mind that I would not have cared very much at the start and things may have been even worse by now.

I know this probably doesn't help you in how to act, to be honest I don't really know, there are others on here that will give you much better advice than me. My main message to you is be prepared to be patient. The other thing is that while the OW is about, nothing will change.

Sweet
I think your original question (why is he telling you) has been answered. People who are in emotional/physical affairs are not thinking of anyone but themselves. They are in the fog, as we say here at MB. Just let what he says roll off your back and try not to dwell on it, cuz it can eat you up.

I'm not sure where you live, and divorce laws vary by state. So since you've signed the papers I am thinking that your H has total control over that now. Do you know what his immediate plans are now that he has the papers?

It isn't clear from what you've written --but have you read up on all the information and articles available here at Marriage Builders? Not in the chat forums, but on the site itself? It explains a lot of basic fundamentals and you can formulate your own plan for possibly saving your marriage, but more importantly for your own well-being and personal growth. As you have said, you recognize things you need to work on for YOU. So make those your goals.

It's great that you are near family who can support you. That will be a blessing!

If your phone calls have not been fruitful or have been frustrating, have you considered writing him a letter or email saying some of the things you've posted here?
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you recognize things that were wrong in your marriage</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">some of those things were of your own doing</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are working to improve those things</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You want to make your marriage better than ever</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You love him</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are willing to go to marriage counseling (if you are <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
When you say you're staying away, that is considered "plan B" here at MB so read about them here:Plan A & B I don't know enough about your personal situation to say if staying away (at this point) is too early or not. But read up and make your own determination, or post again with more info. Also, when you post, it might make it easier for us to read if you separate with paragraphs....sometimes the words all roll together when there's not some type of separation.

Thanks Avondale for the help.

My WH has filed the divorce papers and we had a final hearing on the 29th. I was not there so I assume the papers were signed by the judge and it is final.

It's been 3 months since I found out about the A and we've been living apart since. There really wasn't a chance for Plan A. Right after I moved he ran to OW.

I have read all the information on the site. But I kind of find it of no help to me at this point because it seems that he is so far in the fog. It seems he is really enjoying being on his own.

About 3 weeks ago we talked and had a good conversation. Told him I wanted to reconcile and that I would be here if he wanted to talk about it. He cried and said he had been staying home and not really doing anything.

The next time I talked to him he was in the fog. Very cold to me. Told me to stop wasting my time and move on. He did not love me anymore. This is when he told me he was bringing the OW home for Christmas.

I have told him all the things you suggested. I have not gone into detail with him about what I've done wrong. I want to write him a letter but sometimes I think it won't do any good if he's in the fog.

When the A was revealed I talked to him several times about MC. First he said it was a waste of time. Then he said yes. Lastly he said no, he could not find time in his schedule to go.

I have tried several times to meet with him. I asked if we could eat dinner before I moved, he said yes and never called me back. When I asked him what happened he said that he never told me he wanted to meet me for dinner.

I asked him if I could see him for Christmas but he said no because he would have company with him.

At this point I feel like I really have no other choice.

I wanted to try and keep contact with him but it gets very difficult when you expect things and those things never happen. Such as an apology, or to talk about reconciling.

I figure I just need to leave him alone.

Hi Sweet,

I read your post in the "Tough Love" thread, and thought I would chime in.

Based on what I've read so far concerning your situation... I would go into a hard Plan B.

Your not going to do yourself any good at all at this point by calling him and such. IMHO, if they know they got you where they want you... they don't want you.

Your going to have to cease contact with him unless it's absolutely necessary that you converse with him. Don't pursue, beg, act needy, etc., it will only hurt you more in the end.

Find a good support group, friends, Church groups, who can relate to your situation, and become involved with them.

By the way... Welcome to MBer's! Sorry your here... but it's a good place to be under the circumstances.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace,

Thanks for your advice.

I'm trying really hard not to have contact with my XH. I haven't talked to him in 10 days (counting down the days <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) although I did leave him a message today saying Happy New Year's and that I loved and missed him.

I wish I wouldn't have done that.

Hi Sweets,

I had a nice post for you, but my wonderful computer crashed.

You need to do a hard Plan B.

Protect your feelings and don't let your "H" throw you off that.

Being from the "Tough Love" thread, I don't subscribe to the, "their in the Fog theory"... it's just pure stupidity. They know what their doing... they just don't care... and they will do whatever makes them feel good, regardless of how much pain they inflict on whoever is in their line of fire.

You need to get yourself out of that line of fire, for your own good. It will be one of the hardest things you've ever done... but you can move forward without them, if in fact, that's what they want. Don't let him take you down a path that will end up hurting you more.

As far as counting the days... yes it's very tough. I've counted them for almost three years plus... but that doesn't stop you from moving forward.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace,

Well my X call my SIL and told her to tell me to call him at work. I called and no answer.

I told him he could reach me at my parents.

So I talked to him today for about an hour and we had a good conversation. We didn't talk about us but he did email me saying that he just wanted to hear my voice.

I don't plan to call him soon. I don't know whether to do Plan B. I've just come to realize not to expect anything from him.

I don't want to cut off all communication. HELP!!

Hi Sweet,

I know it's hard to cut off all communication unless it pertains to children, etc.

In order to do an effective Plan B., you in fact have to work a Plan B..

IMHO, I would follow the Plan B. just exactly how it is presented. I would include a letter stating just that... that your all done!

From what I've seen, most people who do a modified Plan B., and not a full blown Plan B., end up in the long run no better off than they were before. In other words... it doesn't work.

There are no guarantees on anything, even if you in fact work a very effective Plan B. Your chances of getting your H's attention, and possibly working something out will more than likely have a impact on your "H". If it doesn't... then there is really no use in pursuing the relationship any longer, and you will need to take steps to move your life forward without him.

Once they see that your capable of surviving without them... it stirs the male curiosity... "big time".

IMHO, and being a man... men don't like the thought that they are not the center of attention. We are in fact... very competitive by nature... it's a primal instinct that we have. We don't like the thought of losing... in anything... especially with woman.

Hopefully you get the idea where I am going with this. Try a Plan B., you really don't have anything to lose at this point.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

a good friend of mine said the same thing. if they got you where they want, you they dont want you. she told me to move on do my own thing.