So I finally came to terms with myself on the 24th that something is desperatly wrong in my life and that I need to fix it. The problem is, how to tell my husband that I need a sabatical, that I need to go home. This is my second marriage and I'm only 24yrs old! That's part of the problem. My first husband was an emotional enuich, but he was who I lost my virginity to and he got me pregnant. I was 19 and away from home for the first time in the military and I didn't know what to do. I ended the relationship after 4 years of suffering and jumped straight into this one. The worst part is that he's not a bad person, but he's got so much emotional baggage from the crap his ex-wife has been pulling reguarding their kids that he can't support me or help me. Lately he's been really confrontational and I think that he really just needs to focus on what he has to do. I just want to go home and pick up the pieces of my life and figure out why I can't seem to be happy with my accomplishments before I make a deeper commitment with anyone. After my first husband I lost all of "our" friends and I was scared and lonely and so was my soon-to-be and I let everything spiral out of control like I always do. I was supposed to go home then but I couldn't leave him because he needed me too much in my mind so I stayed and stuck it out. I called my parent's in tears the other night because something inside me just snapped and I realized that I have no clue what I'm doing out here. My parents weren't suprised. It was admitted that they didn't care for him or how he spoke to me. They don't think he respects me. My mom told me that she's tired of me letting people walk all over me and that she would be more then happy to let my daughter and I come there so that I can attend some college and figure out who I am again. Then I called his brothers wife and spoke to her. That was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know that he's going to flip out when I tell him and I'm hoping that someone can come down here for him. Supprisingly enough she echoed to me almost exactly what my family did regurading the way he treats me. This is starting a viciou guilt cycle within my own mind now. Everytime I start to feel excited as the day gets closer to me being out of here I burst into hysterical tears knowing all the pain and hurt I'm about to cause. I'm going to be so much happier, my Mom and Dad are there. My 1st husbands family lives about 2hours away so at least my daughter can have a strong relationship with his family, since he's so far away. All in all it's a great plan for a new start and one that I should have taken up in the begining, but I'm going to hurt him so bad and I feel so awful right now. I can eat or sleep and my curtains haven't been opened in days because of the headahe I've given myself crying. Is there anyone out there that has some advice or words of comfort? I'm in desperate need of both.

Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? The first thing you should do is pray. Pray that the Lord will lead you in the right direction. I honestly think moving away is not going to help. It sounds like both of you have a lot of growing to do and it would be great if you can convince him to do this with you.
Psalm 55:22 Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Isaiah 41:10 Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Philippians 4:6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

SarahTmann

first i'll say sorry for the pain & confusion you're experiencing. ALso, welocme to MB, and at the same time, sorry you were required to find this place.

After reading how you mentioned what your mom and H's brother's W had to say,,, it is soo normal that you will hear people say comments as such. As long as you're sharing your intimate thoughts about wanting out of oyur M, you will continue hearing such. It's amazing how people actually work,,

In my opinion, and maybe i should share this with you, i'm sooo against Dv. Divorce is full of pain right to the most inner core, divorce is also selfish. and it's a no win game. THe children- they are the ultimate loosers, and even for a much longer time.


Maybe the first thing you can do, is give your H a big dose of reality, and honesty. Let him know (if he doesn't already) that you're not happy, and your thinking about leaving. Let him know you do not appreciate being treated whatever way that may be,,,

All R's require a lot of work, and they all will encounter their storms, yeppers, some more than others,,,

Where are you with your faith?

I'm wondering, you mentioned about being closer to the first H's family? Where are you at with your daughters dad? Are you thinking/hoping to get back with him?

You also mention emotional, i too am an emotional person, so what is it you need heard from this? I'm not getting it.

Are you saying he yells, is he often upset? DOes he cry often? What?
Are there any children as a result of your current M?

In my opinion, you still owe it to your current M, to work things out. It can be done.

stephan

Here's the deal, I did already leave, and I'm freezing up north now, it's hard after being in the south for the last 5+ years and comming back in the middle of winter....BRRRRR!!! I'm still not sure, I'm ready for the big "D" but something had to happen. We've been talking on the phone, and he actually said that he understood that things were wrong, I've tried telling him before but he admits that there ware a lot of things in his life that he was viewing as more important and that he sees now how wrong he was. To me I'm glad, and I hope that we can work this out, but it still doesn't change the fact that he needs to figure stuff out too. I know that a lot of people are being VERY agreeable with me, but I mostly think it's because they don't know how to deal with me crying. I was supposed to go talk to a Rabbi today, (another thing I was missing living in the Bible belt) but alas, Detroit gas has worked against me and after fleeing 1100 miles my car is dead now. H's family is being very supportive through all of this, and my family just wants me to be happy no matter what. I'm happy happy that my daughter here can have some semblance of a relationship with my EX's family here (her fater lived down the street from me for the last 2+ years and saw'll her maybe 1 weekend a monthwhich I think is WRONG!! He and I have a much better relationship now that we're not together, but I still wish he did more for his child. I DO NOT want to get back with him, all love was completly squased when he started sleeping with my friends and co-workers, and any one else he could pick up at the bar for that matter once we seperated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> H and I are working though this. He said no matter what the outcome he doesn't want to lose me as a friend because we WERE good friends first. I miss him terribly, but I don't want to go running back just to discover that I DON"T wnat this and now I'm once again 1100 miles from home with no one around me who cares. If I had someone to lean on closer to where H and I lived maybe I wouldn't have took off, but I went through all that with my ex, and I couldn't be alone again for it. I'd really like to stay here and think for a couple of months before I make a decision, but that's not fair to him and I know it. But I can't tell him it's over yet, because I know that I'd be doing myself and what H and I worked towards, injustice. He's comming here to visit me next week for a couple of days, and that's going to be rough. I don't know if I'm ready to see him yet, I just want to stop crying.... He's making a lot of promises and that's nice to hear, but I think he needs to put some plans into action before he promises anything. I don't want to be his personal assistant anymore, I can't handle managing his life and still have anytime for myself. I can't teach my daughter that she's a worthwile human being if I'm living a sad existance as someones slave. He still hasn't called his kids aince he's been home. Isn't that wrong? I can understand that he doesn't want to give his ex any fuel for the fire she likes throwing at us, but those are his kids! (I've been calling over there for him and arranging the exchanges for the last year plus) He says that he's realized his priorities now and he's gonna start doing all these things that I've been bugging him to do for forever, but he can't pick up a phone and tell his children that he loves and misses them, so has he realized his priorities? As far as my growing up goes, part of that is why I'm here so far away. I forced myself to go from child to adult with no transition when I left home the first time, and I want to grow up. But (and I know this sounds selfish) I need help with my daughter so that I can go to places where people my own age are. I feel like I'm a least twice my age, and I'm jealous anytime I see someone out there that is so carefree and happy because they did everything "the right way". I want a second chance to feel like a person because I don't anymore, I'm tired of being responsible for everything and everyone, or at least feeling like I am. I don't want to be the sole provider and decision maker. I hate getting yelled at for going out to lunch everyday while at work to discover that H has purchased MORE car parts that never make it on a vehicle. I relinquished my check book and credit card willingly because I KNOW I like shopping, but I get yelled at for the purchase that I do make that are necessary, and he never takes me out 'cause we're (broke) but ebay is his best friend! This is something that I told him, but it never stopped him. He's always soooo tired when he gets home from work, and I understand and sympathize because I'M tired too, but there's no one there who can take any of my burdens from me becuase most of them are the ones that I've taken from him! I know I don't want to be responsible for EVERYTHING and I've told him that too. I've told him that I don't always want to be the one responsible for figuring out dinner, I don't want to be the one who has to dress everyone all the time. I finally dragged him kicking and screming to the theater, and he said that he actually enjoyed it and had a good time, but in the end I didn't because I had to plan everysecond of it and I'm TIRED of being the sole planner. We were supposed to take a mini vacation for the two of us and when it fell through because we had to go to St Louis to pick up another car his mom gave us we decided to change plans and go to Detroit afterwards and then come home and I planed this huge road trip where we'd get to see roadside America and the only thing we did was see the big Ketchup bottle and Metropolis, both of which were viewed from the car window and we were headed out of town. I just wanted to do something FUN but it was too much of a hassel for him to deal with. I'm tired of everything I want to do being a hassel or something that we just don't have the time or energy for. I have the time, I don't need to watch TV, I have the energy, I hate sitting around the house day in and day out. I got camping supplies for my bday back in August, and we went once, for one night, and despite the fact that he said he had a good time, we never went again in the season, and anytime I brought it up "it just wasn't a good time". How is it not a good time!?!?! Do you understand why I'm so confused. When we first started dating, we used to see a lot of movies or go places for dinner, now we go somewhere and pick up a movie and get fast food and go back to the house. There's no socializing, and the few times I get invitations out with my friends from work (he gets none from his job because he doesn't like both his job AND 99.9% of the people he's "forced" to work with) he doesn't want to go, nor does he want me to go. We had a fundraising dinner at White Oak plantation and you would have though I asked him for a kidney! I HAD to go, it was networking for my job AND I was the one who made the Wreath for my company that they auctioned off! I'm so desperatly unhappy, and I know it's not all his fault, but he does deserve part of the blame. I just don't know how to or if I want to make it better, I feel like I've already been working hard and now it's his turn to step up and pay the bill. I think I've "talked myself" out now. I'd love it if I could hear if I'm totally of base and need professional help or if there seems to be reason to the madness that has enveloped my life.