I am at wit’s end and ready to give up.

XH has just informed me that he is taking DS-9 to a new psychologist next week. No indication of why, except that he said that DS’s current CSW was “evasive” with him. DS has been seeing the CSW regularly since starting Strattera in August and has a good relationship with him.

I have an appointment set up for a psychiatrist in January for Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) evaluation. XH knew about this. He is against the idea of DS being labeled AS, in my opinion. After almost a full school year of struggling, we learned last June that DS has ADHD through yet another psychologist. She believed that he did not have AS although he showed many of the symptoms. After reading more about AS I became quite certain that he does have AS. He has been unofficially diagnosed by the school social worker after she received evaluation results from his former teacher, his current teacher and myself that scored him as “possibly,” “likely,” and “very likely” to have AS.

Another thing. I have asked XH if he would take the kids off his health insurance and here is why. I have superior health insurance through my employer. Say for instance that a certain procedure is $500. My insurance would cover it completely, and we would owe 10%. However, I have to report to my insurance provider if he also carries insurance on the kids. Same procedure under his coverage, only the first $200 is covered. That would leave a $300 bill for us to split. $50 versus $300, now which makes sense for both of us? He refuses, accuses me of planning to take him to court for not providing insurance on them if he takes them off.

I am so beyond frustrated. I have been reading up on ADHD in gifted children (DS has a high IQ) and many, many things are standing out now that are also AS qualities. Maybe our son does not have AS. Maybe it is just ADHD combined with his intelligence that makes him seem so AS-like.

The AS evaluation in January was to be mainly for school purposes, as a diagnosis would open up more personalized services for DS than he can get with the ADHD dx.

Under my insurance, the evaluation is covered. We would owe 10%, or about $100. If XH does not drop insurance on the kids, my insurance would pay the first half, leaving at least $500 that I am sure his insurance would not cover. I can’t afford half of that, much less get stuck with all of it. (XH is supposed to reimburse me for half of all uncovered medical expenses. I am still waiting for him to pay up on two outstanding bills.)

Should I just cancel the AS evaluation?

What about the CSW that I’ve been taking DS to for months now? I am so worried that he is going to have to start over with a new counselor just because of XH’s controlling nature. I have always told DS that what he says to the CSW was private, and will not get back to me, so he can feel safe talking to him. XH wants no part of that. How is DS going to open up to someone when he knows what he says will get back to Dad?

Sorry to ramble but I am really past the point of anger or anxiety. I feel like I’m going to snap. (Yes, I do have someone I talk to as well.)

I wouldnt cancel. I would contact your lawyer. If you have the ability to cover the kids with better medical insurance thats what should be done.

As far as the change of CSW. I would also bring this up with lawyer. Its about the childs needs, not the parents. WHen my kids go I get kicked out and nothing is shared with their mom or I unless it HAS to be. It makes the child feel safer discussing things if they know its kept private.

I can't afford to lawyer up every time he pulls something like this, and he knows it. I already had to go to court last summer to move the kids to a different school, when I should not have had to go to court at all. (I had the legal right to do it.)

He is just being a first rate jerk.

Can you talk to the courts about this without a lawyer?

Not had real good luck with Friend of the Court. They are the ones who told me to lawyer up for this last round, when I thought it was pretty darn clear in the FoC handbook that I was in the right! And I was!

My XH is the type that you either go along with his wishes or face the consequences.

I would still give them a try. Give them a call tomorrow, fill them in on the insurance deal first. That one gets to them quicker because it involves money.

I actually think YOU could fight having to pay th extra not covered by your XH insurance since you can show you could provide better coverage. Its HIS choice to keep DS on his insurance, it shouldnt punish you.

Then bring up the change in CSW. That gets into an emotional well being of the child, so its not as high on their list, but still needs to be addressed.

If you can get it changed--he may be required to pay more in Child Support--to make up the difference--
as medical insurance is considered part of the child support--

I just had child support reviewed a few months ago.

He has taken a lower paying job and I've just started a higher paying job ... so even though my expenses are much greater than when it was originally set, he is still only expected to pay $75 a week.

Had I done a review a year ago, when I was making less than $7 an hour and he was making a lot more, it would have been different.

But that's just the conflict avoider in me.

OMG I just had the most entertaining conversation with XH. I really held it together well too, almost lost it at the very end with a fit of hysterical laughter that I was able to curb until I hung up... when he said something about HIM kicking ME to the curb... ROFL.

I guess he already took our son to the new counselor. Last week. Paid for it out of his own pocket because his insurance doesn't cover counseling. I asked him, calmly and rationally, why he was taking him to a new counselor. "Because it's my right." "Because I can." "Why, are you threatened?" Finally got him to say what I suspected...

He believes that all of our son's serious emotional, physical and mental issues are not due to ADHD, Asperger's, OCD, ODD, bipolar or anything else... they are all due to ME! After all, the kids never act up with HIM.

Yep, just like all the problems with our marriage were my fault too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Man I needed that laugh. I stayed really level, quite proud of myself. I also brought up the medical insurance issue and he said he wasn't "falling for it," that I'd turn around and take him to court for not providing medical. I said I would agree to changing our order so that he wouldn't have to pay... still nothing. So he would rather have $1000's more per year in medical expenses than admit that I am NOT an evil sorceress out for his blood. Precious.

Who should I send this letter to? His attorney? My attorney? Friend of the Court? Santa? LOL

__________


I recently asked my ex-husband if he would take the kids off his health insurance policy.

I have excellent health insurance benefits fully paid by my employer (nothing comes out of my check). Say for instance that a certain procedure is $1000. My insurance would cover it completely, and we would owe 10%, or $100 to be split between us.

However, I have to report to my insurance provider if he also carries insurance on the kids. They will coordinate benefits based on our court order, which states that he is liable for 50% of expenses.

Same $1000 procedure under his medical coverage, only the first $200 is covered, if that. That would leave a bill of $800-1000 for us to split 50/50.

He refuses to consider, says that I would take him to court for not providing insurance on them. That is not my intent. (I did not know that he even had insurance coverage on them until Friend of the Court sent me a letter. I still do not have policy information or cards.)

I said I would be willing to make a change to the order that he is not responsible for providing coverage for the children (which is currently done at his expense) for the extent of the time that they are covered by my Blue Cross Blue Shield insurance. I have a secure union job and do not intend to leave my position. He has had numerous employment changes in the past four years and has not provided medical coverage information to me at any time. I have supplied uninterrupted health insurance coverage for the children.

He is supposed to reimburse me for half of all uncovered medical expenses. I am currently waiting for payment on two outstanding bills.

__________

I am so frustrated. I am trying to separate this financial aspect from HIM ... he is not allowed to have any control over me ... but his pigheadedness is affecting me financially which I really can't afford.

<small>[ December 26, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: xpButtercup ]</small>

xpbutter,

Why can't you have BOTH insurances? I know that it is allowed, it is simply called "OHI"...as in Other Health Insurance. What the first one does NOT cover...you can turn into the second one, for them to pick up. You would have NO out of pocket expenses in this instance.

My kid's bio father carried them through his work...I carried them through my work...and when it came time to file I had it submitted first to the one that paid the most. Then, the remainder was submitted to the other one...so that they could pay it.


It's not like YOU are out any money on the premiums. If he wants to pay premiums..let him.

JMHO
committed

Well I'm waiting on the issue. My psych said I should rewrite the letter somewhat and send it to him, for him to review with his attorney. Then, if he fails to answer, go to Friend of the Court myself with the situation.

With the confusion of coordinated benefits, and my insurance provider wanting to see the divorce order to determine who is responsible for medical coverage, it just makes me nervous. I sent back the paperwork they sent me with everything for XH's insurance info blank except his name, address and phone. I don't know anything about what coverage he has, if he isn't going to share it after four years I'm not asking for it again; they can contact him.