I am new to this and still trying to figure out all of the initials. My husband of almost 20 years has been having an affair. When I discovered it about a year ago he got very mean (pushing, yelling, cussing, accusing me, etc. in front of the kids.) I got a restraining order and filed for divorce. It took 6 mos. to serve him because I didn't know where he was. I did track him down once and walked in the front door and he was telling the OW that she could spend the night because his kids weren't coming. He got very humble when the OW began spilling her guts about their affair. During the 6 mos. he was telling me how much he loved me and that it wasn't what I thought. He confessed that he had had another affair in the beginning of our marriage and several one nighters. I had also discovered some smutty internet "stuff." He swears that was just a game. But, they were exchanging phone numbers. Since he was being honest, I forgave him and we tried to work things out. We started counseling and for about two weeks, I was living a fantasy. But, things have been hell every since. He continues to stay in contact with his friend (6 mos. later) Our house is a war zone. I have three kids who have seen there mother fall apart. I had no clue that my husband was capable of these things. I caught them together once and waylayed her. I could have killed her if my husband had not gotten between us. 4 or 5 times when he was out most of the night I tried to drink it away. I found out that 100 proof Hot Damn and a woman's scorn could land you in jail. I've used language that I didn't know was in me. He called the police on me one night. THey didn't take me to jail. THey just gave me a warning. I have repented and have behaved much better over the past three months. My point is my kids have really suffered. He has had a problem with an addiction. I have been praying all of these years believing for a miraculous deliverance (thinking he was out all night partying) and had trouble coping with all of this news. I've already lost $3000. because we have to start the divorce over because of the laws in GA. My husband gets very angry if I share with any of my friends or prayer partners. He taps the phone lines to monitor my calls. He considers this a betrayal of trust. He compares it to his relationship to his friend. I got a surprise when I went for my annual pap smear. Thank God a couple of rounds of antibiotics took care of it. When I confronted him with it, he blamed it on me. I know this is long, but bear with me, I have a question. I've got an appt. 01/03 with a different attorney. But, I'm going to have to borrow $3500. more to file again. The laws in our state basically say you split things down the middle. But, with a good attorney things don't always work that way. I work at home and my kids are involved in activities close to home. The work that I do outside my home is close by. I really want to stay in my house. I probably couldn't get into another house because of my income, etc. My husband wants to keep it between us, split things and not involve attorneys. I don't really trust him though. I'm concerned about the future of my children. Do I stand and fight to keep them in their home? Do I let my husband take advantage to keep peace (I'm sure they could use some)? He gets very, very mean when he doesn't get his way. He does crazy things too. I'm having to hide my jewelry, makeup and blow dryer, etc. He takes things like my cell phone, etc. etc.

First of all, I would get another restraining order, and not drop it this time. That will give you the peace you need. Then, borrow the money for the lawyer, you will need him/her to keep your stbx (soon to be ex) honest. I don't know much about laws; but your lawyer can advise you if you can stay in your house and what else to expect.

I also wanted to add that I truly love this man even though I know I have to get away from him.

I know what you mean.....I went through a similar experience. I finally came to the conclusion that if I got the restraining order and a divorce, we could always reconcile and get remarried. But if I didn't, I would lose my sanity, if not my life.

What exactly do you love about him? Hiding your things, tapping your phone calls, and getting mean are NOT loving behaviours towards you.

He's lived kind of a double life and for the last 18 years I only saw the side he wanted me to see. He hasn't really been a hands on husband or father. It wasn't until I found out about the affair and demanded some accountability that he got so mean. Before that it was basically just no being there for me. I'm not sure how I allowed myself to be so deceived. Looking back, I can see how he's always manipulated and controlled me with his lies. He knew how I felt about marriage and family. But, I believed God meant marriage to be for life and if I prayed long and hard enough I would see a miracle. I believe his addiction (which I've known about) keeps his mind screwed up. But, the unfaithfulness just breaks my heart. I've just had trouble giving up on the dream of a good marriage. He was my high school sweetheart and I've never known anyone else. I tend to be merciful too. The thought of all of the changes is pretty scary too. I'm 42 and have two teenage boys and a 10 year old daughter. I really believe that after the smoke clears, we'll be better off no matter how things work out. I tend to be merciful and sometimes he works on my sympathy. He's out of work (it's hard to work and keep up his lifestyle). So, did you reconcile and how are you now?

I decided to change my name from broken and tired to eagles wings. I just couldn't stand seeing it. I'm trying to live by faith and be positive.

Do not give into his "we don't need lawyers" make sure you have a lawyer--and if he gets mad--let him be mad--

Talk to whoever YOU want to talk to about HIS affair--

The reason he is acting out in anger is shame and guilt--He "looks" bad to all these people--it's the feeling of condemnation going on inside of him--

Which is actually a GOOD thing---why? because God chastises those He loves--God convicts the heart of Sin--

So the next time he starts lashing in anger--just tell him, I'm sorry your so angry about my talking to others about this, however, I am hurt and angry that you are doing this to our marriage--and God tells me that is what the Church (the collective people) is for--to share our burdens--

Maybe you should look within your heart and figure out what it is your so angry about--is it really that I told other people, or is it because you don't want other people to know about your behavior?? If you are SOOO in love with this woman
why are you so upset that OTHER people know???