Hi I am new here, I recently joined another forum and was advised by a member to come here. So here I am, I am in need of additional support. To help make this long story short please read my post at Loveshack http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t53215/
(He Filed for Divorce now what?)


Hopefully the link should work. I am not sure how this all works. I will be posting in the pregnancy section but I don't think that section will help unless it's the private section.

I am trying to start over and I really don't have support here at home.

I look forward to talking with some of you. I do understand that this is a long road but from reading some of the posts here you sound like people I need to be talking with.

I did read the basic concepts and did the tour. My biggest hurdle is that now I am the only one working on saving our marriage. Please Help.

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Saving Grace ]</small>

SG,

I have much to tell you but not a lot of time right now. I will be back to post more to you. have you read the articles on this site by Dr. Harley? If not please do, you will find a lot of useful information.

God Bless,

JL

I think I read almost all that I could, I gotta a little overwhelmed. I will go and look for articles and see if I missed something. If you read my thread I did get some very helpful info but the suggestion came from a panel member to get more support.

I look forward to your post.

Do you think I should have posted this thread better to recieve more replies? Or somewhere else in the sections?

SG

SG,

Probably the best place on this site for you is in the General Questions section, GQII. However, I have an assignment for you. Use the search tool at the top of this page and search for hopeful_person in the General Questions sections.

She came here as her divorce was occuring. She had had a four year affair and had forced her H out about two years into it. He then filed for divorce. What you will read is her story of trying to get her husband back. I will spoil the suspense by telling you that she was successful after about 18 months. But, read her story and what she went through.

I offer this suggestion because at this point it seems your H wants and perhaps needs this divorce. I read the thread you bookmarked but not all of the posts. You did receive some very good advice and much of it you will receive again at this site. However, this site offers you plans and approach to rebuild your marriage, rekindle love, and make your marriage much better.

I realize you are pregnant and thus quite possibly even more emotional that you normally would be, but at this point it would be best to not let your emotions control you.

Let me offer you some places to read. Read the articles on Needs, on love busters, on the policies of "radical honesty" and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. Finally read the articles on the 4 rules for a good marriage. Nothing shocking in the four rules just good common sense.

Finally, you still seem to be blaming your H for the affair...he did not meet your needs. That won't fly. You decided to have the affair and he had no say in it. So quit defending this as something he had much to do with it, OK?

Next, you need to understand a few things about your H. He was meeting most of your needs and what happens when that happens other needs pop to the top of the list. You want romance, flowers, candy, jewelery, etc. He offered you his work, his love, his commmitment, and his time. YOU have to make a decision as to what is most important to you. Before anything else YOU have to decide what YOU truely want versus what you truely NEED.

You may have heard the saying: Children need what the want, adults want what they need. You have to decide some things.

Your H giving you divorce papers was probably the ONLY thing he could do. You were NOT paying any attention to his efforts, you were not concerned that the affair was going on in his face, and you did not respect him enough to end the marriage before you did this. So since he could NOT change you or your view of him or the OM, he did what anyone ultimately does...they leave. You pushed him to it, and he was strong enough to do it.

Just another thing that is often missed in the discuss between men and women. You will notice in the list of possible "emotional needs" sexual satisfaction. Notice it is not a physical need but an emotional one. It is how many men show their love and connect emotionally. As you pushed him away you severed the connection. It will need to be reestablished before your relationship can be rebuilt.

That means you are going to have to become his friend again. I would remind you that most people do not select people as friends that lie to them, betray them, hurt them, humiliate them, and disrespect them. You did all of these things to your H. So if you are going to be his friend, begging him to come back won't work. Actions will work, and those actions will have to be consistent with someone who respects the other person, protects the other person, sees the good and strong points in the other person and let's other people know and finally you must be "radically honest" with this person so that they can learn to trust you.

I truly hope that the child you are carrying is your H's. But, you might be surprised that even if it is not, your H may well still want you in his life. It happens around here more than you think, but it will take a level of kindness, patience, and understanding that you heretofore have not exhibited.

SG, please calm down. Do the reading, and then we will talk about a plan for you to achieve what you decide you want to achieve. It is not a slam dunk and your marriage may be over for good, but there are more cases where it has worked out. So hang in there, and keep posting and asking questions. This will take a long time SG, but it can be done.

Now go read hopeful_person's post. You will be amazed.

God Bless,

JL

Thank You, JL

I printed out the articles at the bottom to read when I am home tonight. Home pc is so slow.

I'll look right now under hopeful_person and the 4 rules for a good marriage. Other wise I think I have everything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I will calm down, I just seem so hopeless right now.

Last night was our first night in seperate beds and it was so hard, I kept reaching out for comfort in the middle night just to touch him and he wasn't there. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I do know that it is my fault, I do not blame him. He did not hold a gun to my head. After reading more and more, I have begun to realize how much I really neglected him, I need to tell him that.

Talk more soon~got homework to do! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SG

SG,

This is not easy for him either. You might even mention that you realize this. He has the worry that the child you are carrying might not be his. he has the worry that he failed at the marriage. And I am sure he worries that he just may not be a very good H. Plus, he lost the woman he loved deeply.

There are no winners in these things SG, unless both can win.

Now go do your homework. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Reading hopeful_person's posts will take you awhile. A few days I would guess.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> SG,

He has the worry that the child you are carrying might not be his. he has the worry that he failed at the marriage.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is probably one of the worst nightmares a man can have. I think the sooner it is dealt with, by determining who the father is, the better.

JL & Justin Ex have both given you excellent advice here. I would follow EXACTLY what they've said. I'm just affirming their positions to bolster your courage to follow the advice, OK?

If you're a praying person, NOW is the time to wear out your knees! If you're not a praying person, NOW is the time to become one. MUCH more than you could ever imagine depends upon it.

God can do things in this situation both inside of you, and inside of your H than you can dream of. You REALLY NEED His divine intervention right now.

I've said a prayer for you my friend. Now, up! Do the right things!!

High Flight

Hello All, JL, JX and HF~

Thanks for your advice. I have read all of the posts I could find from hopeful_person. I am so glad to see she never gave up and her husband coming home was a reality. I pray for that to although we still live together. I pray most for his forgiveness.

What a wonderful man he is I talk to him on the phone still atleast 5 times or more a day (i'm needy) always have been. Today wasn't a real good day but it was. The business was extremely busy and ofcourse the xOM is a piece of crap, I'm sobbing on the phone with my H and he decides he needs to leave. I think the business partnership is on its last leg (I pray).

I admitted to my H that the xOM is a piece of crap and has been for a long time. H said I only WISH you would have listened to me and we wouldn't be going through this. I know. Today was a bad day because I will be alone on New's Years Eve and he will be with my bro and his wife and our friends, I will not be there. I cried. Said of this divorce is final and there are other holidays we will be seperated then why now, why can't we just do quite night @ home? He said because I need time to be by myself. I cried ofcourse and opened up to him more. I also had a very long talk with my sister inlaw and she already knew about the A. I was pissed that the H told my bro and she told him but I guess that is inevitable. My H and I however discussed not discussing paternity with anyone until we know but I'm sure its obvious to all who know....my H is really still by my side through all of this, but yet a little bit of him is not. The whole paternity thing makes this even harder to deal with but I know he will a be worked out in the end (this is truly God's plan for me). He wants me to be accountable for my wrong doing, and I am trying the best I can. My step today was that I gave my H a key to the business so he may POP IN if he needs to. That is the first step to rebuiding his trust. I also told him it was hard for me to admit the A and that things between the xOM and I were bad business and personal wise because then my pride would be deflated and my H would once again be right. But I told him that it has been bad for a while and he said he knew. I wish I trusted in him the way I should have.

I am going to start going to church again. I even want to go to confession and admit the A to our priest. I think it will be a helpful release.

I've also stopped talking about my M and Divorce with the xOM. He doesn't know my H knows about him and frankly I just don't give a damn about him anymore so it is none of his business. The xOM should be counting his blessings my H is such a good man.

I also want to find a good prayer to help me help myself and to become a better wife. I have prayed that this child is our child and not the xOM. I pray for that every day.

I also almost joined your accountablity post the other day HF. But it didn't seem to be the right thing. Your accountablity is a bit different then mine. But I was going to ask you. I want so desperately to talk to more people.

I have also decided to write a love letter to my H, I've never really done that before. I want to tell him (although I do everyday) how sorry I am and how much I truly love him. Kinda like Plan A but different.

I actually said to him he did pick a good time to do this because we are going into a new year. It's time....it's time I am honest, it's time I make some actual resolutions and stick to them. Not just giving up gum or cigs etc. But not giving up on the love I have for him and that somewhere deep down in that broken heart of his he has for me. I will not give up, I WILL FIGHT, I love him to much to just let him walk away now. I told him the reason why I didn't say anything is because I thought that just maybe we were strong enough to make it through this and it would just eventually go away. I knew the relationship with the xOM would end eventually.

I am a hopeful person <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ....He hasn't walked away yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> So what if we sleep in seperate beds, we can't miss each other if we aren't seperated right??? He snores anyway, we'll both get more sleep. It's just such a big empty bed without him and I think the cats have followed him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I miss him sooooo much. I feel so lost without him. I can only imagine this is how he felt since the first day he found out about the A. I want to help him through his agony and pain aswell.

It's late so my time for bed, ok I just looked at the clock and its still early, but I had a hard day....Talk more soon....
I will most likely be spending my New Years online....SG

SG,

Get your priorities in order. First pray that the childr you are carrying is healthy? Next, pray that your H's heart will be eased by your efforts and prayers. Then pray that your H can come to love this child, even if it is not his.

There is no need to pray that the father of your child is your H. That has been already determined. Your H knows that as well. He is completely helpless and defenseless in this matter. There is absolutely NOTHING he can do to change anything you have decided to do to the marriage. And there is nothing you can do either, that is the very very sad fact of this.

HOWEVER, there are things you can do in the future, and now to help establish what that future is. Writing him a love letter is a nice thing. Do that. Then think abit about what you have LEARNED about yourself, and your H, and write that down for him someday. It is well and good to say "sorry". It is altogether different to reflect, learn, alter actions based on ones mistakes. Do you see what I mean??

SG, take care of yourself. You are on the right path, never fear for that, OK?

God Bless,

JL

SG,

Hi, I think I've read most of your story, but one thing puzzles me. What is the situation with the OM right now? Your posts seem to imply that he's still around is that the case?

If so then I'd have to say to you that you MUST change this right away.

You H has GOT to see that ALL contact has gone and it's over and done with.

Happy almost New Years everyone!

In response to graeme~Yes he is still around but I am slowly working on ridding of him. We own the biz togther and it has become a little complicated with that and the baby issue. My H will make him be responsible if this his his child.

A little progress today my H came with me to see my fam in illinois <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You don't know how happy that makes me. I truly love him and I know that the xOM has to be completely out of our lives.

God's Blessing to all in the New Year!~SG

Hi SG

Regarding the OM - why "slowly getting rid of him"?

Surely the very first step you have to take is to get him out of your life TOTALLY?

If you read the above, it is a little difficult with the xOM. But I need to have some things prepared before he will be completely out of our lives because of the business.

The other day we argued about the business so bad that it is just about over. Our relationship/A is over but the biz one still exsists.

Trust me I love my H very much and never will I make that same mistake or not. Wether or not the xOM and I are biz partners.

Us ending our biz relationship will happen faster then I think, I just need all my ducks in a row first.

He WILL be out of our lives.....

Happy New Year~SG