I'm new to this situation and have known about the affair of my wife for a week and 3 days. We are trying to reconcile. I'm getting a little used to the thought but the hardest thing yet for me is to think about the details, especially the sex act, that he kissed her all over and know her body. The physical stuff. I am 17 years older than my wife and the lover nine years younger. She says she made a bad mistake, wants to be forgiven. I think I believe her, the the thoughts torment me.

You need to be on the recovery board or possibly on general questions.

Anyway, welcome to MB and I hope you work things out.

Dear "Want My Wife Back". I kind of new to the message board thing. But, I too have so struggled with the forgiveness issue and have been asking God about this myself. My husband has been unfaithful too. And, it is a grief and pain like I've never known. I don't know your situation. But, I know in my case, my husband appeared to be sorry. But, there is a difference between remorse and repentance. I believe if people are truly repentant they turn completely from their sin. My husband has continued a relationship with the OW. He says that it is not what I think, etc. etc. Your wife shouldn't expect you to live near the OM (other man) I'm not up on all of the initials yet. People are all different. But, when you are repentant, you want forgiveness and are happy to get it. Anyway, the thing that I have learned so far is: Forgiveness is a choice and not a feeling. You have to decide to forgive and then walk it out. God gave us emotions and He knows we are going to have to deal with them. You are doing the right thing to ask God to help you with forgiveness. Also, God says that if we don't forgive, He won't forgive us. I haven't ever been unfaithful to my husband. However, I haven't started walking on water yet, so I'm going to believe that God's grace is sufficient and do what He says "Forgive." I forgive my husband and his friend. I don't believe that means you have to keep putting yourself in a position to be hurt over and over again. So, I'm not going to stay in a marriage with him. And, I'm sure God doesn't expect me too. As a matter of fact, I wanted it to work so badly that I believe God has just really hit me over the head with a few things to wake me up and call me to action. I'm going to see an attorney 1/03. God is faithful. It's so hard to hear Him when we are trying to figure everything out. Give yourself a break. Your dealing with one of the greatest pains that can be dealt with. God says He will not ever leave you. If you truly seek Him He'll direct your paths. And, I'm not preaching at you. I'm in the boat with you.

This message is for Gringo. I believe it is normal to think about all of those things. I did the same thing. My husband told the truth for a couple of weeks. And, I would ask him questions and then wish I hadn't. Cast down the thoughts and focus on reconciling and the positives that are coming out of it. You're only tormenting yourself. These things hurt bad enough without constantly running the details through your mind. But, don't just listen to words. Hold out for fruit.

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: eagleswings ]</small>

gringo,

i'm dropping in to share my thoughts with your situation-

some people want to know, and they feel they 'need' to know. Some , chose not to.

If your going to ask questions, wanting all the details, thats your choice. Be prepared though, i'm sure it won't feel good. Prepare yourself for the pain.

Myself, i choose not to know, i didn't want to subject myself to any more pain. Using my imigination, really was all required-

i'm sure you've got a ways to go, for quite some time those thoughts will still pop up-even unexpectedly>

Good luck- i hope and pray the 2 of you do work things out.

stephan

I myself have been searching the message board for an answer to this very question. I've known about my H's affair for only 3 1/2 weeks. At first I asked all kinds of questions. The OW and I did end up having a two hour conversation on the phone too and she ended the affair with my husband by calling him on his cell immediately after our conversation. (I did not ask her to do this, she did it as her own choice.) All I know is her name, her age is 34, she has dark hair and works very hard to support her expensive/extravagant tastes, only the best will do apparently. Oh, and that she's a heavy smoker.
I always find myself wondering what she looks like. I see dark haired women around and wonder if she looks like that. I wonder if she's skinny, although my husband never liked real skinny women. I unfortunately had gained 50 lbs since we got married, but have now lost 22 of it due to the stress of all of this.
I know it is better if I do not know what she looks like but can't keep the mind from wondering.

hey suzychapstick

if you really need to know- then ask.

Maybe you won't rest, until you do know.

take care
stephan

Hey, thanks Stephan. I do want to know but I have a tendency to dwell on things! I did ask the day I found out but all he said was does it really matter? He was right, it doesn't really matter. I only have another 15 lbs to go and then I will be skinny too!! But he never really liked skinny women, right? heh, heh

suzychapstick-
I do want to know
this is what you said, right? you do want to know?

He was right, it doesn't really matter.
what do you want? does it matter to you? hey-if not- that's splendid, as the both of you maybe can/will begin moving forward together, a little quicker,,,

<small>[ January 01, 2005, 08:45 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

Ya, I just re-read that. I guess I'm all over the place with that one. I want to know, then I don't, then I do......then I don't. Thanks for the wake up!! ha ha