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#781290 12/29/04 09:22 PM
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Does anyone out there know of a book or resource regarding the all too common scenario of being left for the OW? I have found many books on helping kids through divorce, getting yourself through a divorce, healing a broken heart, etc etc. But nothing on how to deal with divorce on top of dealing with the OW as the new significant other, interacting with your kids, interacting with the OW and your ex etc etc.

So I am dealing with not only my H leaving me, but leaving me for the OW, moving right in with her, and now dealing with my kids interacting with them, mediating parenting with my kids living with the other couple half the time, and most importantly, my own self esteem in dealing with the double whammy of being dumped, and being dumped for another woman. Anyone know of a resource for this situation?

(for those of you who know my story, yes, H moved right in with OW, and with our mediators blessing, they are gradually integrating the kids into their world, with a soon to be 50/50 split of parenting.

#781291 12/30/04 02:05 AM
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I don't know how you feel. I sometimes think that it would be easier if my husband had just dumped me. He is happy staying with me (as long as I'm not too nosy) and running around on me with the OW. However, the thing that is helping me the most is learning who I am in Christ. I'm learning how He feels about me and about the plans He has for me. Joyce Meyer has a book titled "Beauty for Ashes." I've heard it is really good. I listen to a lot of her teaching tapes, etc. I believe these things really take time. I'm filing for divorce in a few days and still grieving over the whole deal. But, I believe the trial will make me stronger and a better person. Years from now we will probably look back and wish all of this had happened sooner.

#781292 12/30/04 07:15 AM
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Just hang on to this-his chance of his relationship working out with her is less than 3%. OW don't believe the stat because it scares the sh*$ out of them, but it is true-you can check it out in the healing library. Go foward and live life well. Focus on yourself and be the kind of person people would want to be around. When he looks over and sees you doing well he will have second thoughts which will rock his relationship. See-she (OW) picked a cheater to be her "BF". That is not the start of a good relationship. Work on you for now and the rest will follow. You will find yourself again. HUGS-Jersey

#781293 12/30/04 10:28 AM
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Hi EH,

If you don't mind me saying so,your focus is on the wrong issue.So your WH "dumped" you for some homewrecking OW.He doesn't get a gold star and the OW doesn't get some precious prize for what they have done.Remember that they both have behaved very selfishly and horribly and they are not one up on you because now they are together forming some kind of pathetic new "family".They can go on and play pretend for as long as they can but deep down they know they are wrong for what they did.In time their "relationship" will crumble.Even if it manages to hold on for several years,I still would not personally want to be part of a bond born from enormous pain and suffering of other's.

Yes your self esteem can take a hit but when you remember just what it is that you are "competing" with in your mind,you have to laugh.There IS no competition with some OW.You win,hands down no matter what they say or do from here on in.And also remember that being "dumped" for a woman of such "class"(OW) is a problem WITH YOUR WH not you.HE chose to pick someone to be with who is actively involved with the destruction of a marriage and family.IMO he most definitely traded DOWN.

Instead of trying to find literature that deals with OP's,keep the focus on those books with the important issues not some OP.And,I don't know if this will help,but a major part of how I will recover and thrive again in my life is that I made a decision to not have contact with my WH anymore,despite our children.There was a long thread on this over on GQII a while back but that is part of how I am going to keep my dignity and integrity intact,by not associating with two people that are harmful and selfish.My WH and I will still parent our 2 children as well as we can but separately.He lives 4.5 hours away and only sees them EOW anyway so this will be helpful for me not to see him anymore and I feel very good about that,at this point.I do want my children to be part of my WH life much more of course and I also never wanted a D to happen for any of us,but my WH chose differently and being a "part time dad" is ok with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> So I will make the best of it for me and my girls.

Lastly,know that by being the best parent you can be,is all you can do.Your WH and the OW may be dragging the kids along for their crazy ride trying to "normalize" their world with the integration of the kids but they are fooling no one.When the kids are older and are more experienced,they will know who screwed up royally and they may even decide to put a halt to interacting with the OW.Who knows,but what's important is how you parent and how you take care of yourself.I didn't talk to my dad for 2 years because of his treatment of my mom and now we have a rather superficial "father/daughter" relationship that is nowhere near what it could have been.His loss and now his regret.The things some parent's do to their children is just sickening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Good luck to you.

O

#781294 12/30/04 11:22 AM
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a book....for someone starting on the road to divorce -- Rebuilding when your relationship ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher.

It's a start. Sorry that you had to find yourself here, but welcome to our group...it's an incredible group of supportive people that have saved my keister over and over again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#781295 01/03/05 12:54 AM
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You've been given good advice...

My xh married the OW one year and one day ago...less than 3 days after judge signed papers. And it is something they force on everyone including the kids. But anybody that jumps from a marriage (and family) to another serious relationship WITHOUT having time alone to reflect on their shortcomings and change, is setting themselves up for miserable failure.

How i see it is this...I have had the blessing of time to get myself ready for singledom...which I am embracing. I worked on me and I am a better person now. The x never did one bit of self work and wound up with .0001 percent of the woman that I am.

No competition between you and OW. As for me, I limit my interaction with the x. It's best. Also, I do not give any validation to their relationship in front of my child. In fact, my son does not even speak of his dad when he's with me. But we do nice things and even bought my x's christmas present together. My son does speak of OW, and he calls her "the talking toilet"...he coined that phrase over a year ago. I would assume either she's swore in front of him or that she is just that...a receptacle for fecal matter.

In time, I have learned to let them live in their miserable little world. It must be difficult having to TRY SO HARD TO GET THE WORLD TO ACCEPT YOU AND YOUR SIN. That is something thankfully, we don't have to do. How can you make a relationship grow when you've got to do so much work on the outset?

And those stats are right. Less than 3 percent will make it. If my x sticks it out with her, and she with him, either way...it would be most likely due to finances...him not wanting to give up any money to her or her losing any money by leaving him. Ah...that's their real love. She loves his money...he loves younger women who love men with money..and he loves keeping it.

You are incidentally the really rich one now. You have your peace, your life, and your freedom. You can move ahead in life void of regret and with your arms open to embrace tomorrow..which I pray you will do.

God bless you.


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