Well, I'll be filing for divorce on Monday. Things have really gone south the past couple of weeks.

Wednesday night I was getting a spare car key out of my wife's purse when I found her birth control pills. I've had a vasectomy! Later that night I found out she was taking off on Thursday for Las Vegas with her "girlfriend" and some of her friends.

I feel as though my heart is being ripped out and literally cracking down the middle. I put a deposit down on an apartment yesterday and went furniture shopping. Can't believe it... How the heck do I let go of her. I don't want to, but know I have to let her go. There is no regard for me or the kids. She's living a very selfish life right now.

Did I tell you my heart aches? Being forced to make a decision I really don't want to. Even after four affairs, why do I still love her? Watching 14 years and dreams go up in smoke is a bitter pill to swallow.

I don't know how to let her go... Any help with this would be greatly appreciated. We are going to sit down with the kids to tell them about the divorce. They will be devestated! I think that part hurts even more than me knowing I need to let her go!

Titleist

Gosh, I am so sorry.

My own situation I'm taking a day at a time. It was tough telling the kids (and mine are little). They took it rather well, their schedule hasn't changed much -- he's not been around much this past year anyway.

Every day gets better.

It really does.

(hug)

I can feel the pain in your post and I am so sorry about your situation. I rarely post but I wanted to let you know that I wondered the some questions..how do I let go? I've loved this man my whole adult life. I did let go and I did make it.
What I didn't trust at the time was other's advice..I wish I had..take one breath at a time..take it one day at a time..and as cliche as this sounds..focus on you. Don't worry about letting go..you'll know when to do it and when the time is right. Focus on you...not on her or 6 months down the line.
Keep the LB's to a minimum..that is my biggest regret..the awful things I said to XH. I think it is important to express your emotions but that it is much different than rageful outpouring of words.
I have 3 kids and it was hard to tell them. My XH wasn't there when I tucked them in and the 2 oldest were crying silently. I'll never forget that as long as I live..but I got through it. The kids see their Dad often and love him..and fortunately for them (not me..the frequent contact is difficult)..he has been a decent Dad. Admittedly, I think the kids have adapted. My parents were divorced and I adjusted..somehow it all works out in the end..it is just getting through the next few moments.
Take care of yourself and have faith that it truly gets better in time. It does. I have found new love and the world goes on..for now just believe us.
Can't Sleep

Titleist,

I really do feel for you and your situation right now. I remember sitting the attorney's office back in August, the day I filed, just feeling like I was almost in a dream or something. It just didn't seem real. So hard to believe 19 years of marriage came to this.

As for you can still love her -- well, I spent 19 years married to a man who had 2 in-my-face, lengthy affairs 12 years apart, who drank and was angry and verbally ugly for many of our years of marriage, who always put his friends before our family (any excuse, I believe, to not have to come home), and who in the end now appears to be engaged to sleazy OW #2.

And as kooky as this may sound, I still care very much for him and still pray for him and still hope someday he gets his life back together before it's too late for him. But this no longer means getting back together with me.

As for the kids, I was more fortunate there. My oldest started college this fall, and my XH basically ignored him from day one, so I don't think he's all that traumatized. It has been harder on my teenage daughter as she was closer to her dad, but even then, he rarely spent time with her so they aren't having much of an adjustment issue there.

If your kids are close to your wife, for them, you need to do your best to keep your relationship with her business-like and calm, and do what you can to facilitate them being able to spend time with her. Even if she ends up not being your wife, she'll always be their mom.

And I really watch the LB's when I talk to my XH because regardless if we ever would get back together or not, I want him to remember me as a calm, loving person--not an angry, hateful one.

It was very ugly during our DV process--he thought I was trying to screw him out of things. But now that the DV is final, we can talk civilally for the most part (as long as OW doesn't have her nose in things. She refuses to even try to get along!). Once you file, even if your wife wants the DV, beware of her becoming very angry if she thinks she's getting cheated out of anything in the settlement.

You WILL be okay. I didn't know how to let go either, but it just sort of happened over time. It's an ongoing process. I still have a ways to go.

I posted over on GQII last night a reflection of my last year, and when I first came to MB last January, I was a wreck and thought there was no way I would live through all this. Looking back, I am in so much better shape now. The pain, while still there, is a lot more dull and I am actually looking forward to life again.

You'll be there, too. Some people heal quicker--some take a lot longer. There are folks who are ready to jump back into dating the minute their DV final. While I don't want to think of being alone all my life, I'm nowhere near being ready to date.

Give it time. Take good care of yourself. Immerse yourself in your kids and your work and friends if you have them (I don't have many--cones from being married to an alcoholic), and if you are a believer, in scripture and prayer.
And post on here (or on GQII if you need faster answers). If nothing else, journaling is a good way to reflect or to vent.

LL

Hi Titleist,

I see that your DDay was a couple months before my own but I can understand how you feel.I am though not as sad anymore in many respects about having to be the one to file.It was definitely not what I ever wanted but it was very clear to me that my WH was going to be a fence sitter for as long as I allowed it to go on.I consider him a coward as well as selfish for making ME have to be the one to end the painful situation instead of him doing the right thing for us and our children.

And,as if that weren't enough,the look on my youngest's face when she was told of the impending D made me want to really hurt a couple of people(WH/especially OW). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> NOTHING and NO ONE is worth inflicting that kind of pain on children.But from day one,this whole saga has been dealt with from one important priority: my children.I put myself and my feelings on the back burner so I could tend to them and make them feel as best they could.I was like a Mother Bear and my WH was in my mind a predator so until he acts in their best interests,he has much to contend with.

Make your kids the priority T.When you keep busy and keep your focus on them,you can start to forget,a little,about the kind of sickening pain and actions of the WS.I am a little surprised that you aren't there yet in the way you feel after all this time but that's ok.We all deal with this on our time frames.

I posted to dlc on the GQII board.That may help you too.His thread is about his EX getting engaged to the OM.

Hang in there.You will be ok,you have to be for those beautiful kids.

O