Most of the times I have posted here, I knew how I was feeling....and then after some wise words here on the 'stages' of grief, I could see that I was progressing.

But for the past 3 weeks, I have been stoic - almost like I have no emotion. And I can't stand to be like that. I don't feel happy, I don't have patience, and I am not my usual sensitive caring self. Tonight I am just so extremely down. And I can't pick which topic is really contributing most.....

1) Work - got a new director, and he isn't familiar with my program or what I do. I am in patient care, so my needs are geared to that and the physicians. However, my director and I have had some difficult times of late with the meeting of the minds. And he is the type to just 'make the decision' without negotiation.

In other words, everything we do is being scrutinized. Ex - I am chastised for being here overtime, yet I cannot control that, as our business has more than doubled. We need certain supplies (that are non-negotiable) for surgeries, and he questions every order, the amount, and if we can do them with less. We already use the cheapest, and if we use less, a patient might wake up paralyzed! Yet he questions my answer every time.

It just feels like I am going uphill with him ALL THE TIME, and it's taken a lot of the joy away from my work.

2) Had a really horrible Christmas with the parents. Both parents are night-time "functional" alcoholics. Start at about 6pm and finish about 9:30pm with about two drinks (3.5 shots ea) of whiskey and club soda, followed with 2 glasses of wine. He is stoic, She gets horrible mood swings.

Fought horribly with Mother first night, and took all my patience the rest of the time. And on top of that, having to listen to them repeatedly say why I should move there, while they consistently dismiss my reasons why I am not ready.....

3) H has been in contact, and alluded to reconcilliation. But I am unable to tell if his words, etc are real, or just another attempt at manipulation. The story is on Recovery.... The phone call and meeting. I still feel weak when I am around him - strong when away. Confused as all get out, and then stressed after each conversation or meeting.

I have no idea which way is up, and I am feeling lonely, cramped for time (counseling 2X per week, work 'leadership' meeting once a week, and work the rest of the time) and not able to work on meeting new people, etc. I feel like I am stalled, and I REALLY don't like it....

Does anybody have any idea where I am? Heeellllllllooooooooooooo....LIT....where are you??????????????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Input and 2X4's most welcome.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> But for the past 3 weeks, I have been stoic - almost like I have no emotion. And I can't stand to be like that. I don't feel happy, I don't have patience, and I am not my usual sensitive caring self. Tonight I am just so extremely down. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can relate. My theory is that one can only take so much emotional stress before shutting down to recuperate. Some days I feel clear about things, and other days not at all - and usually no reason I can come up with to explain it. I have fits and bursts of activity (still working on unpacking) whereas other days I don't even put my trash in the can. Some days I feel like I'm going to be fine, but other days I don't think I'm going to live through it all.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H has been in contact, and alluded to reconcilliation. But I am unable to tell if his words, etc are real, or just another attempt at manipulation. .... I still feel weak when I am around him - strong when away. Confused as all get out, and then stressed after each conversation or meeting.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H has this effect on me too. He called me Thurs AM while I was getting ready for work and the call derailed me enough that I forgot to make coffee or eat breakfast. I was only focused on being late for work, and rattled at the call. (He wanted to know if I was avoiding him, and when I told him I didn't appreciate his last E-Mail he said he couldn't do anything about it if I didn't tell him about it. To which I said, "what's the point? You've said you don't want me in your life so why in the world would I try to work on our communications now?" Touche! Anyway it took me about 2 hours to stop obsessing about the call.

The point being - I think we have to accept that for some time our emotions will be out of control and we won't be able to understand them. Also, maybe we have to lighten up on ourselves and not worry about how we should feel or how we want to feel. Right now the map (how we want to be) may not match the terrain (what is really happening) - but when the map doesn't match the terrain, we should believe the terrain.

At least that's my story and I'm sticking with it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you, Deja Vu. I think you are right....sometimes we just have to 'let it ride' as the saying goes. I am feeling a little better today, but still not totally in control. I suppose my best bet is to simply warn my friends and family that I am somewhat 'in limbo' right now, and to just not expect too much.

I also have to break my 'reflexive' reactions with H - the fear, the guilt, and the submissiveness. I need to continue to exude the strength I have been working hard on, and to carry that in all contexts. But I also should learn not to beat myself up if I happen to fall backwards just a bit....I suppose it happens to us all.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. While I am so sorry that you have these moments as well, I at least feel stronger in like company. Thank you for the support, and the boost of strength. I hope I can return the favor sometime! Hope you had a great new years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

You're welcome! I feel the same way - and it's not a misery loves company thing either. There is lots of positive energy and strength on this forum, and I gain strength from it too.

Cheers!

Not being able to feel your emotions is a sign of depression. And yes, it happens when we are overloaded emotionally, which means we don't have the emotional resources to boost ourselves out of it.

One thing that I've found to be very helpful is exercise. Even getting out of the house for a long walk will help. There is something about exercise, especially upper body exercise, that seems to break up grief - and walking helps us to find new insights. Try yoga, try walking and just paying attention to your feelings without trying to judge them. Just observe.

As far as the boss - there are things that work with people like that. One good technique I've used in the past is to write things down. Some people don't do well in person, and you have to give them paper. For example, write down a list of everything you do during the day. Prioritize the items. What MUST be done, and what Should be done, and what would be nice to get done. Figure out how much of that you could do during the "regular" day your boss wants you to put in.

In the same document, explain that if he agrees, you'll just do the things that can fit into the day without overtime and ask for his signature and approval. This way, he can see what you actually do. Maybe some of it could be left out if he wants to take responsibility for it. Maybe he'll decide to hire another person, if overtime is too expensive.

The point is, it's his problem, and you're just letting him make the decision. If you unilaterally quit doing extra work and there is a problem, you could be in trouble. You are obviously getting in trouble for doing "too much work" now. So document, and show it to your boss, and ask him how he wants it to be handled. Weight off your shouldes! Good luck.

Hey, L.I.T.,

Just as there are "Stages of Grief", there are also "Steps to Acceptance" and I usually ask people to imagine someone who has gangrene in their arm and they are having to amputate.

Step 1) Getting over the denial--At first, the patient will deny that amputation is the only way to survive. They will investigate all other possible avenues...they will try alternative treatments...they will maybe investigate amputation but only at the wrist. Finally, they have to get over the denial--amputate or die.
Step 2) There's going to be a loss--This is where the grief process comes in. Once there is no denying that the arm has to come off, the patient has to grieve the loss of never being able to play catch with the kids again...never being able to put arms all around their spouse...never blah, blah, blah. They have to GRIEVE the loss of the arm.
Step 3) Scheduling the surgery--Okay, there is no way to save the arm. The patient has accepted the fact that their arm is lost, and grieved it. The time has come to take action, so the patient makes a decision and makes a move and does SOMETHING--they schedule the surgery. Now there is an end in sight. They have made a move.
Step 4) Wandering in the wilderness--Everyone goes through this one, and some end up getting lost in the wilderness. This is on the day of the surgery, the patient has been second-guessing themself and thinking all day about "gee, maybe this is a mistake!" so the patient gets the anesthesia and the surgeon pulls out the saw...and about 3-4 minutes into the surgery the patient says, "WHOA!! Let me think about this!!" They second-guess and wonder if it's the right decision and "what-ifs".
Step 5) Life after the amputation--Finally, the patient says "Enough!" and realizes that ANY decision is better than NO decision. The surgery moves forward and the arm is amputated. Life for the patient is forever changed, because now they have no arm!! However, a funny thing happens...the patient learns that their life isn't over! The patient adjusts to living with one arm and even starts to see that there are prosthetics and ways to live with the loss. And pretty soon, even losing their arm, the patient is happy and healthy again.

L.I.T., I'm sure you can see that losing your marriage is a lot like losing your arm. You have gotten over the denial--you have gone through the grief process--hey, I think you even scheduled the surgery. I think you are beginning to second-guess and maybe wander in the wilderness a little. This doesn't always me a lot of self-doubt; sometimes it's just that "numb-I'm-not-moving-forward-I'll-just-go-around-in-circles-for-a-while" feeling.

See?? Actually, you may not know it but you are still moving forward.


CJ

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Not being able to feel your emotions is a sign of depression. And yes, it happens when we are overloaded emotionally, which means we don't have the emotional resources to boost ourselves out of it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pathseeker - you are right...I am depressed. And usually, I am able to pull myself out of these moments when things calm down, or within a few days. But I have realized that I am not coming out of it this time.....and I think the reason is that our anniversary is this Saturday.

You see, we are not officially divorced yet, but for all intensive purposes, we are emotionally and physically not together....so I really don't know where to 'put' the anniversary. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Thus, on top of everything else, it is overshaddowing my ability to pull out of this funk.

FaithfulNewCJ - Thank you for posting that. I remembered seeing it in another thread a while back, but had forgotten that there are steps toward acceptance as well. And I think you are right - I am wandering. Not completely second guessing myself (at least intellectually), but for the first time in a while, my emotions are not in sync with what my intellect is telling me. So I feel 'stuck' or 'lost'.

I am hoping that after this anniversary, I will emotionally gain a little strength, and pull myself out of this.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thank you all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by L.I.T:
<strong> [QUOTE] But I have realized that I am not coming out of it this time.....and I think the reason is that our anniversary is this Saturday. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Rites of passage are powerful things - it's why they are so socially important. Anniversaries are supposed to mean you made it through another year, and therefore they represent another milestone in your marriage. No wonder they are depressing when you are splitting up. I've wondered how I will handle our 20th anniversary, coming up next spring. Not sure if it will be easier if we are divorced, or still married and not together.