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Need advice on this one...from weather advice, what to wear, and also relationship stuff...

Am cutting and pasting this from my post five min. ago:

I am going to NYC. Ok, let me add an exclamation mark...! I am going to NYC!

Earlier this year, I had begun seeing briefly the cute financial planner/friend from college...not the hilltop neighbor mind you...but a guy that I knew in college. We had some joint friends from waaaay back, and t hings went well...until he had muddied his life up by telling me how he had gone to dinner with his ex fiancee...who comes to atlanta on business frequently.

Needless to say, I got scared, as under no circumstances would I date somebody who was less than honest and unable to be faithful. I prematurely dumped him but remained friends...that was when the xbf walked in the picture...the guy I worked with.

Anyhow, Mr.Swiss (what I will call the college guy/friend I knew) has come back into the picture. Background...he's from MS and grew up about 30 miles away from me. My sister, bro in law and best friends all went to UM and he did as well. He's really cute, nice, funny, and sharp. No kids, never married although he has a demanding and brassy x fiancee who is nothing like him...and thankfully he has shut her out for good. He's got a great job (works for swiss bank) and an mba. He actually reads. Yea, he reads books. He's a man's man though. Former college rugby player and not that terribly romantic though....at least that's what I thought.

He shows up yesterday at my house on football central day. He left his buddies' football party earlier to come to see me. Mind you what day it was ok? He is at the front door with a very nice bottle of chardonnay (my favorite) and a handful of flowers. On football day. He had called earlier to ask me if he could celebrate "game day" with me also. He doesn't talk much during games, but during the commercials, he held my hand and says this..."Peachy, I have really come to care for you. You know this. We've both had some time to think about things and I've known you for almost a year now. I want to see you more and think we could work towards something good. Something really good. That lasts. I think little peach is terriffic too and I want to be around him some more if you'd say it's ok. My company is sending me to NYC for two weeks and I am going to miss you alot. So here's something I would like to ask you...and I have been scared to do it but here goes...WILL YOU GO TO NYC WITH ME?"

I gulp. He says that he's going to get, should I decide to come, a nice suite with a great view. One with an extra room and "a door to shut" (my thing I would need for an overnight stay). But that he's really needed to spend more time with me and that he's worked so hard lately that he thought I deserved this. He says he'll have the entire weekend (three day) planned out. He's really familiar with NYC and that's good. We will go to a broadway show, to little italy for dinner, to more dinners, and to the met. museum of art and museum of nat. history. Also says he'll take me to central park, and shopping for "something special"...no guys..not something sparkly I don't believe.

He said that I've worked really hard and that he's watched me just do what I have to do. And then he said that he wanted to see just me period. Said that he'd wait to hear back from me on this.

Ok. I am kinda wierded out. I say that I need a bit of time. Football day draws nigh. He goes home. I go to sleep after doing laundry. Son is visiting the xh. I wake up and there's a text on my cell..."will you go to NYC with me?" Swissboy is definitely moving in the right direction.

I tell two of my girlfriends about this. They say this is "so very sleepless in seattle" of him. One is frightened he will try to ask me something. I don't think he will. I think he just wants to do this to get a committment. You gotta walk before you crawl btw. So I kinda pick a bit more. I talk to Swissboy and talk about "things". He says that he wants to work towards things being more permanent with me this year. And that maybe 05 will be my last year single period.

So I don't think he's going to ask me anything in NYC. But I think he is going to want to become "the boyfriend". The serious bf.

Now comes what do I want to do. All my girlfriends think I should go. I can have my own little room there in the suite. I have never been there. I do need to see if I can do all right for a longer time around Mr. Swiss. and yes, I have not been around a guy longer than eight hours since being around my xh.

I accepted his offer to go an hour ago btw. I told him how I was nervous. How I hadn't been around a guy for longer than 8 hours. How I was a bit scared in general. But he said that he just wants me to see how we can actually do things together and have fun. How he does care what I think about and how different he is from my xh. My xh btw...never took me to one museum. Just an aquarium. Never wanted to talk or learn anything new. Never wanted me to go back to school (anesthesia school). Mr. Swiss also says that "it's not normal for a girl to go so long without these things." That I have more than deserved the broadway plays, the nice dinners out, the romance, and the shopping. He said that "seeing how you are contended wtih your life as is has been huge to me. You're not a golddigger and you've been the most determined woman to me...to make it on your terms and do it for your son."

He said he was glad that I was going to go. Today we'll discuss flight plans and I will officially ask one day off of work tomorrow.

I haven't gone anywhere with a man in so long. What do I wear? What do I bring? Do I wear and bring sensible undies? How many outfits? How cold is it in NYC? What is wierd is actually going to breakfast with a man. Wow. That is wierd. And son will be at xh's.

I almost feel wayward. Like I am doing something wild.

However, I am a single girl who is going to get her "own door to close" even if it is in a suite. Swiss said "remember the movie 'touch of mink'?" He told me to remember how in the movie Doris Day had her own room and Cary grant had another room. But that it was all inside of one suite.

I wear scrubs every day. I can barely remember what it is like to go out to a fancy restaurant on a date...usually it's for a medical dinner or a continuing education thing. I can't remember when I was treated like this. Once upon a time, in a galaxy far away...I did go to fancy dinners and nice trips. I used to have nice jewelry and thought I had the perfect life. Except that person didn't talk to me, didn't care about me/my being and bettering myself or himself, and was all about controlling me. I am scared I guess b/c here's this guy who does want those things. Wants me to grow, wants to be my friend. And he's way darn cute too. No kids, no past. Great job, well educated. And a good kisser too.

Why am I scared? I swear I keep shooting myself in the foot. I want to have the life I should have had before. Maybe sometimes I think that I don't deserve it or that it cannot possibly exist.

But I am going. It's a done deal.

Any suggestions about NYC? I will arrive on saturday morning and leave monday evening late back to atlanta.

If any mb'ers are there, would love to see ya or have lunch! Plus you'd get to meet Mr. Swiss.

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This time of year is cold and damp in NYC unless you get snow. Snow is probably unlikely.

Here's what to wear: Black. Boots. Black. And um, yes, the "new" black -- pink. This does NOT mean southern girl Pink. This means a small pink bag to go with the black outfit. Or a pink tank to go under the black jacket. This outfit will get you through uptown and midtown nicely. You go downtown, you'll want more black only add some wacky trendy touches, like studs, and I don't mean earrings. LOL.

I suggest packing lots of undies and nightwear so that you have options.

Bring you NM card because it works at Bergdorfs and The Only Store in the Only City will be having an excellent sale.

If you have a filofax, get the Manhattan Street/Subway map. You might need it during the day and that way you won't look like a tourist.

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Hi Peach,

My W and I just got back from a trip up there.

My recommendation...

See "Slava's Snowshow" - at Union Square Theater. When it starts, you'll think "What is this ... some old clown with a rope.", but by the end, you'll be happy. I don't think it is possible not to come out of that show feeling happy. W wanted to see it twice.

Take taxis for short distances, but take the subway if you are going far up or down town. It's quicker. Limo? It'll be just as stuck as any other car - maybe stucker (if that's a word) if it's a stretch.

Oh, and don't eat near Times Square. [Frown] Little Italy sounds like the right kind of place to eat. We walked through there, but didn't eat there - saw lots of nice-looking places - more expensive than Atlanta, but reasonable for New York. It's right next to ChinaTown - which is also a great place to eat.

-AD

[ January 02, 2005, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: AD ]

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Thanks Anne and AD.

I love the pink idea...incidentally pink is my favorite color...was my sorority color too. And pink and black is soooo cute. Got a cute periwinkle sweater with some flashies (tiny rhinestones) on it to wear with some cute black pants I just got. Or might wear it with a cute black skirt and my boots (high heeled right below knee)...very tres chic!

Got for christmas a black coach bag which should work well with all things black...but will do the pink touches...now about the stud thing? GG what do you mean my dear? I shall be accompanied by a stud and usually wear some earring studs in my ears...exactly WHICH kind of stud my dear do you refer too? he he he.

AD...I will check out that show. Sounds great. I am a huge fan btw of Andrew Lloyd Webber. Have seen several of his shows and loved them. Not sure what's playing, but will find out.

Mr.Swissboy is working in financial district but he wants to get a room with a view. He mentioned manhattan to me? Not sure. Where exactly is the financial district? He said it would not be the hotel he is staying at for business...says that one is good, but is going to be not exactly what he wants for me...

GG will do the undie thing. And exactly how cold is it usually in NY? I am going to check weather channel online and will also try to find out how to "sorta blend in" with the ny crowd.

Gotta admit. Am really excited. It's been soooo long since any of this has happened to me. And I guess I am a bit nervous as well. He is really attractive and I do know him pretty darn well. He is a really good kisser too...I guess I am afraid that I will not completely shut the door one evening...I will try to keep my composure as well as my integrity though..however, my girlfriends all say that they think I should "keep the door cracked" in their opinions. I am just kinda in shock about the whole thing.

This is soooo wierd. Somehow I keep thinking this is happening to somebody else.

But he is darn cute. A good, smart, adorable, southern guy...he's almost 38 btw. Looks about 32. Much cuter, imho, than my xbf. And the fact he's hung in there this whole time says alot to me.

I guess in the end, I am scared to get my hopes up on anything. It's gonna be a looooong while before I can forget what my x did. Am afraid they will turn into my x basically.

Ok...door cracked or not? Other suggestions? How many outfits? I will leave saturday morning and arrive before noon. Leave on monday evening late. And this may sound corny...but I haven't flown in 2 years. And that flight was with my son. How should a girl dress for a flight knowing the guy (her guy) is going to pick her up at the airport? Should I go cute? I don't know. I am confused about everything. At least I have new luggage.

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Peachy, I haven't posted to you before, but I've followed your story and am impressed with how well you're doing!

Just make sure Mr. Swiss understands that the bedroom door will be closed, O.K.?

BTW, he's from around my neck of the woods. Betcha I know someone who knows him...if I don't know him myself! [Eek!] [Big Grin]

LC

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Enjoy being out in the city.
GG had some great ideas. And if things don't go well, you can contact me or other MB buddies to pick you up in the city. I was just there for NYE, in Chinatown and Little Italy. It was unseasonably warm, so watch the weather.
Definitely wear something nice for the plane ride.
And this is your chance to dress up.

BTW, the financial district is Wall Street, at the tip of Manhattan, and not near the theatre district, so this is likely what he means. Not a great nightlife down there.

Enjoy!

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Enjoy being out in the city.
GG had some great ideas. And if things don't go well, you can contact me or other MB buddies to pick you up in the city. I was just there for NYE, in Chinatown and Little Italy. It was unseasonably warm, so watch the weather.
Definitely wear something nice for the plane ride.
And this is your chance to dress up.

BTW, the financial district is Wall Street, at the tip of Manhattan, and not near the theatre district, so this is likely what he means. Not a great nightlife down there.

Enjoy!

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quote:
Originally posted by justpeachy:
Do I wear and bring sensible undies?

IMHO Go to the Big Apple, cover the fruit as you wish but don't let him take a bite..... [Big Grin]

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thanks buddies!

If Mr. Swiss has to go into the office, I might even have some free time and could do a completely MB lunch or something...would be cool.

And your kindness in offering to save me if things go south is more than sweet. I am so glad to have such friends [Smile]

Now Billy, you know I am going to call you tonight and discuss this little predicament...ha ha.

Life's good but still has a way to go. Lota stuff to go thru...

Lady Clueless...I grew up in suburb of Memphis in MS...Mr. Swiss grew up in MS delta area...bout 50 miles further south. Where are you from?

And yes, I shall keep door shut..even if i really wish it would fly off the hinges!

Ok.

Who wants more stuff?

My second patient today is my xh's secretary's husband. I know them very well. He's had chest pains and some other issues as well. Needless to say, while I was starting his i.v. and just explaining the procedure to him, he began to say "now come on...you haven't said one thing peach about the new wife. Wanna know what Kim and I think of her? (says it loudly btw) She's a f'''''g flake. And guess what? He's been cheating on her for the last SIX months".

I was livid. I couldn't believe it. This is a guy who's wife I was friends with. I even went with them to the bahamas for a week four years ago. He was dead serious. He said "if he didn't knock her up and her parents threaten him legally (didn't know this one)he'd still not have married her. Who would want to? What a flake. And stupid. She KNOWS he's cheating. Just remember this b/c the idiot might finally realize what he gave up and head your way...don't give him a chance ever...he always is saying to Kim and I how smart you are, how you've "made it on your own" and how you're "the strongest woman he's ever known"." He even said that "darth knows you're dating around and I don't think the man is happy about it...but like what could he do? She was soooo pregnant and she wasn't going to let up on him. He felt he had no choice but to marry her as you were holding his feet to the fire."

I was fuming. Smart? Strong? Making it on my own? It is all HIS fault in the first place. But somewhere deep deep down, there was amazing satisfaction hearing this from a "friend" of my xh. A guy who knows him well. A guy who's wife spends about eight or nine hours a day with him and knows all the sordid details of his life. He left after the end and gave me he and his wife's new phone number and invited me and my son to come over and see their new horses and to see if my son would like to ride the little one who is very tame this weekend. Very nice and friendly still. Glad to see that a divorce sometimes is not going to hurt an old friendship.

What was sad was when he said to me how that he knows my xh lost alot. But that he was just spinning out of control and didn't know what to do. He actually told this guy that "she (meaning me) could never look at me again. I can't do anything but divorce. She is angrier than ever and there is nothing on this planet I could ever do to redeem myself. I am damned I guess." That is what my xh said to him 2 years ago. During the first trial. And it is sad. He knew what he was doing. He wanted to stop. But he wasn't willing to change or stop and just felt that nothing he could do could change the course of events. How sad that was. How sad it is. And look what happened. He continued down that path and got his affair partner (one of them anyway) preggers and was forced into a marriage.

In a wierd way it was very painful. Very painful too.

It always seems when I get things going in the right direction that something drags me back to feeling like this again.

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Peachy, I fly for a living...so ref the flight, dress comfortably (black leotards with boots always are a stand out & comfy way to travel. Do you know HIS favorite color? Might show up wearing something his favorite color....

When you deplane, be sure to have with you what it will take to freshen up in the ladies room before you see him. Don't check that in your luggage.

You're gonna have a WONDERFUL time!! NYC is truly romantic. I recently stolled through Central Park at night. It's a dream place with the right person....

Have a great time! Ref "the door". Real ladies will keep it closed. If he's worth YOU, then he'll respect you immensely for it. There's no better way to raise yourself in his esteem than to hold onto your integrity on this visit. If he isn't the man for you, then he'll resent it.

Door = shut for REAL love's sake.

High Flight

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Actually, I would opt for my own room, simply because I might not trust myself. Alas, it's sad but true.

As for studs, I was thinking studded dog collar, but your kind is better, Peachy.

No matter if it's unseasonably warm, bring a winter coat, gloves and a scarf. Pashmina seems to be optional rather than mandatory. In Philly, we're seeing a lot of the less obvious stuff, like a plain knit scarf. Especially in the financial district, there's an incredible draft that rips down between the tall buildings. And while it's "Downtown" for night time purposes "downtown" is SoHo, the Village, etc.

Hey, what sorority were you? I'm thinking DG has pink, but I can't remember. AXO? I was a Pi Phi, if it's of interest.

Oh, and I see fishnets are back in, but only wear those if you plan to be armed otherwise, all bets are off on the door staying closed.

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quote:
Originally posted by greengables:
Actually, I would opt for my own room, simply because I might not trust myself. Alas, it's sad but true.

If he is a smart man he has learned that the woman controls the relationship in the long run. She will decide when to open the door. [Cool] And when she does they will both be happy campers. But, get ahead of her in the relationship, and that becomes a major foul, often leading to forfeiting the game. [Eek!]

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Hi Peachy!!!!!

Have Fun
Relax
Keep the door closed

I wish I could meet you, my new/old boyfriend lives in NY, but he has been making many more trips down here than I there (I bought him a radar detector for Christmas..HE HE)I will be up there with my daughter but not until the 14th or the 5th of Feb Otherwise it would be fun to meet you

I was thinking of you the other day as I thought I might have to pull up the snow plow poem for this season.

Weather here has been unseasonably warm, but that will probably change for the weekend. You cant count on anything. Its a shame they are removing the Rockefeller tree tis week but the skating rink is still there to see or enjoy a spin

Have fun

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Hi Peachy!

I will be living thru you, as this has been a dream of mine to go to NYC for a couple of years now.

I hope you have a blast!

I think you have gotten some great advice. Black in my opinion is always safe, and can be worn so many ways.
From what I hear, you can be daring in NY, as anything is a go.

Have a great time! Make sure to report back to us after the weekend!

K.

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Before everybody gets too excited...

Today got a six am phone call from Mr. Swiss. He's in Miami for the bowl down there.

Methinks he was out with the boys late last night and was coming in to the hotel room when he called. He started talking...well more like rambling about how on one hand he's ready to settle down (with me) and on the other hand how he sometimes doesn't know what he wants.

I am off from work already for the trip. Have bought 2 cute sweaters and 2 necklaces to match them...now he's acting like he's already tied down and I HAVEN'T YET TOLD HIM I WANTED TO BE COMMITTED TO HIM.

I was on my way to work (have to be there by seven am each day) when he called and we talked for 15 min. before I walked out the door. We talked all the way to work and when I hung up, I was crying a bit. My hopes have been raised up a great bit...I was beginning to think he could possibly be that proverbial "one". Then he gets rather imho, foggy.

On lunch break, I go outside and call best friend. She thinks that (and she's very protective of me and my feelings being a post divorce/affair thing) that "some guys would do anything or say anything to get a girl into bed". So now I'm worried. She also said that he may be really contemplating a committment that's why he's acting wierd and saying these things.

He is supposed to call tonight and talk. If he doesn't get this straightened out asap, I will cancel it and either do 2 things: 1)just work that day or 2)myself go on a weekend getaway somewhere cool.

I don't get this? I teared up again on my way home today from work. Why in the h#ll would a guy do that? One day tell you they love you and the next day just say they don't know what they really want? What is this?

I don't get it.

If he does not straighten this out and in a positive way, he will become the mayor of dumpsville tomorrow morning...
'
He has 24 hours. I swear, after what I (we) have lived through, I do not take any more crapola any more. Nope. No sir.

So why would this seemingly perfect, everybody's dream Mr. Right suddenly act this strangely?

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Oops..sorry K and GG.

K:

As of now, I wouldn't wanna live thru me at all. This up and down stuff is for the birds. I gave up the darn rollercoaster a year and a half ago. But you are so sweet...love you girl.

GG: Funny, my sis was a Pi Phi. I was a Phi Mu...DG was blue and silver?/ Or was that blue and pink? I can't remember. All I know was that we were pink and white.

And thanks Justin, newly and high flight...

Oh sunrise...could you PLEASE

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Again...OOPS!

Sunrise, could you PLEASE repost here the "snowplow serenade" for me? I am soooo down in the dumps right now.

In fact, I'd love to take that lil' snowplow down to Miami and run over a few partyboys down there with the darn thing...lmao.

PLEEEEZE?

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Peachy,
I'm just straight down the expressway from O.B., just outside Memphis. It sounds as if Mr. Swiss may be from the direction toward Tunica or Batesville? In that case, I may not know him, but may know someone who knows him...or my H does.

Now, about Mr. Swiss' change... Well, this may not be the case with Mr. Swiss, but I do think that some guys operate this way. He invites you to go to NY with him and books a suite instead of two separate rooms. You've apparently made it clear that you are NOT hopping into bed with him. However, he can probably sense that you really, really like him...that you are serious about him, since you are willing to go on this trip with him. Now, what I've observed is this: When a guy senses that a woman is really "into them", but is unwilling to have sex, he MAY do this back-off thing...thinking that if she really wants him, she'll do anything to keep him...including having sex with him. Now, I'm NOT saying that your guy is like this, but I have noticed that a lot of guys do this, and it apparently works a large part of the time.

And, then again, he may have told his buddies that you were going to NY with him, but that you will not be intimate with him. It's entirely possible that they may have razzed him pretty badly about spending all that money on you and not "getting any" in return. You know...told him he was being "p-whipped", etc. They might even have tried to convince him that you would be a ball and chain if you got married.

Again, I'm not saying that these two scenarios are the case AT ALL! Just wanted to caution you because there ARE guys like that out there. Be careful. And, yeah, I think I might ask him if he'd consider just getting separate rooms, just to lessen the possibility of anything happening and maybe getting ugly. Wouldn't separate rooms be a little less expensive than a suite?

Anyway, I don't know Mr. Swiss (I don't reckon I do, anyway!), and I may be way off-base here. I just don't want to see you get hurt again.

Anyway, if you go to NY, have a blast! I was there for one day a couple of years ago and would love to go back.

LC

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Dearest Peachy,

I've been resisting the urge to jump in on this thread, but as the resident curmudgeon and leacherous reprobate of this forum, it is time to share some thoughts, not necessarily all my own.

Demosthenes: "Self deception is easy, that which a person wishes, so he (or she) will believe."

In the years I was divorced, I shared more than a few weekends with female companionship. When I invite a woman out to dinner and she brings along an overnight bag, well, I often interpreted this as a subtle hint: She really isn't playing hard to get.

Go back and read this thread from the beginning. Lets assume one thing, that you and Mr. Right are both in your thirties, and in reasonably good health and with good healthy appitites for life's little pleasures. And at least one of you is sincere about wanting to start a new life.

Dear lady, a weekend in New York City, seeing all the sights, taking in a Broadway show or two, sampling the food and wine and then sharing a suite with two rooms might seem very romantic. It would be a really great way to celebrate your tenth anniversary, but it is hardly suitable for a first date. Lady, that isn't a train wreck waiting to happen, it is a train wreck that has already picked out where it will happen.

I doubt that Mr. Wonderful expects to invade your bedroom, but he certainly has some reasonable hope that you will be the one to climb into bed with him.

I know that sounds cruel, I wish I had the words to clean it up. But after spending nearly two decades between marriages, this game is an old one. It has been successfully played millions of times by both divorced men and women who just need to get in out of the cold for a little while.

I don't understand women, and I don't understand female reasoning. For some reason if a man is willing to sugarcoat this invitation with dinner and a show, a little wine and a dozen roses, it is no longer considered shacking up. Put it in its worst possible light, this whole thing has all the earmarks of an invitation to go away for a dirty weekend. Put in its best possible light, it doesn't merely place you in harms way, it sets you up for emotional destruction. I think that is what you are experiencing now.

The dating world after divorce is a different place, many times a cruel one. It is a process of using and being used. It is rife with deception and self deception. It is above all the game.

Again, I apologize for the harshness of this reply. But just this one time Peachy, listen to your tears. They have a beautiful message for you about you.

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Posts: 643
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 643
Dear Peachy,

I'm truly sad for you on the one hand, but also pretty relieved & "up" for you on the other.

Remember when I said this --> "If he's worth YOU, then he'll respect you immensely for it. There's no better way to raise yourself in his esteem than to hold onto your integrity on this visit. If he isn't the man for you, then he'll resent it."?

Kinda makes things start to ring true now eh?

Door = shut for REAL love's sake.

Bumperii said some pretty darn profound things here. We ALL need to think very carefully about this dating after divorce stuff. It's a very high stakes game we're playing. Our hearts. Our health. Our kid's happiness. Our futures. All at stake! Serious stuff.....

Somehow, I think you may be being protected by One who truly cares on this one Peach.

Just my humble opinion,
High Flight

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