Well, this is the 2nd MOW's - BS that has called me in the last 4 months..Suspecting but No proof..

For those that know my "history" this is the woman that works for our business..Her BS is again suspicious...

I tried to tell him there is no way "we" can stop them...they are in the "fog" and they won't stop till they are ready..

He confronted my WH last year - only to be lied to and told they are "only friends"..PLEASE..He wants to catch her so I'm gonna do my best to help him...He said, he's done - he wants her (his WH) out....This will be his exit from the M...

I've tried many times to tell my WH (serial cheat) that he is destroying many lives w/his running with MOW - but, he doesn't care..Here again, is a destroyed M...over what????

I let her BS know that she is one of many...he's only back w/her since I exposed him and his MOW..and the others may have "dumped" him..Oh well..she'll find out - just like I did...It's all a game...

Glad to see not all BS are walking around w/blinders on..Maybe he'll be posting on the divorce board soon..What a shame...

I've tried many times to tell my WH (serial cheat) that he is destroying many lives w/his running with MOW - but, he doesn't care..Here again, is a destroyed M...over what????

I let her BS know that she is one of many...he's only back w/her since I exposed him and his MOW..and the others may have "dumped" him..Oh well..she'll find out - just like I did...It's all a game...

Glad to see not all BS are walking around w/blinders on..Maybe he'll be posting on the divorce board soon..What a shame... [/QB][/QUOTE]

I am not familiar with your history, but out of curiousity....why do YOU stay with someone who continually cheats on you? Do you just get used to it after a while?

No - I'm not "use" to it..

It's a process from D-day - some people immediately jump ship - others try to ride out the storm.

WH gave text book answers when confronted - typical liar, cheat. Then it was all my fault, then it was "he had a problem - he needed help"...Some of us wait around hoping to recover our M - we find sites like this and search for answers because we love this person and can't let them go...some M's do recover..some don't and shouldn't..

I've learnt alot here - and I'm finally letting go..I realize my M can't be saved, WH is a serial cheat and can't change if he refuses to admit/seek professional help.

Now it will be to make sure financially everything is in order before I file or push him to file..The rollercoaster has stopped...

ITHURTS,

Sounds like we are exiting the same ride. Could we be married to twins separated at birth? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

StillShocked - I don't know about you - but, it may have been easier to "accept" that my WH just screwed up..he was sorry...and it was one woman..maybe they "thought" they were in love..

But, when it's several or many OW,MOW - it's just something you cannot accept or "understand".

Especially if you have time, etc. invested in the M it's very hard to believe they could do this - but eventually reality catches up and we have to face who/what we are M to..

What is it - the Don Juan syndrome, narcissist, addiction???

I think there are plenty of men out there like this - always waiting for their next good time.

What does your WH think of your plan to divorce him???

ITHURTS:

DH (and the D does NOT stand for DARLING or DEAR!) is clueless as to what I'm planning. He doesn't even know I've found all the "evidence"...unless he's planted it. I'm pretty sure he feels like he's sailing along fine and I'm just oblivious, something that he's accused me of being our entire marriage. Well, maybe the first few times, but this time is DIFFERENT!

You are right about it being so hard to forgive this over and over again, but I was willing until just recently. I told DH that over and over to the point I felt I was beginning to grovel and beg. One of the affairs was with one of my close friends - x-friend now! How could she? I hope she feels really good about herself when she find out she contributed to our divorce. The current OW revealed to him that she has an STD...read that in one of the emails.

DH is gone this week taking a college class so I can spend all week getting my stuff together and seeing a lawyer to get advice on how to proceed. He is out of work right now. He says he resigned, but I bet they made him do so because of the affair. I think the current "soulmate" worked for him.

I'm so angry right now I could choke him. Of course that would require me to touch him and I don't really want to. HA! Gotta see a little bit of humor in this or I'll go insane.

I can't imagine any circumstance that would have me taking him back now. I'm done. It's probably what he wants anyway. According to what I've read in the emails to OW he has been praying God would grant him this relationship. I think God has better things to do.

Hang in there. I TOTALLY understand what you are going through.

It's not that you or I am oblivious - they are just soooo good at hiding their A's..I know mine can look me right in the face and lie to me..told me he loves me - 1/2 hr. after rolling out of the sack w/one of them..

ROTFLMAO - at your comment - God has better things to do....

Just be sure you are covered financially, since he's now out of work - the last thing you want to do is pay him Alimony....grrr..You're probably right - the company most likely "asked for his resignation".

Why don't these guys just leave us...walk out the door but don't come back...??? I swear they like being married - it's part of the game....

Hugs Girl - it's still a long road....

IH: I'm just really glad I happened on your messages today. I needed to hear from someone who knows exactly what this is like. And for the record, I'm not really "Shocked" anymore. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are right about the lying. WH left on New Year's Eve in the afternoon to get his car serviced. Yeah, right! I found an email that suggested otherwise. And what car place is open on NYE anyway? I'm just tired of all the lies. I wish he would leave already. He's probably delaying it to save himself money that he will spend on OW.

I've been busy making copies all day to take to the lawyer: bank statements, insurance policies, his last pay stub, all the emails I've found, the resignation notice, etc. I have't worked for almost 2 years, since we moved here so he'd have a hard time getting alimony out of me. HA!

How long were you married? This May will be 21 years for me...if we make it that date. What a joke!

Thanks for listening. I'm saying a prayer for you.

There are a few of us on here that are or have been married to serial cheats and some w/ sexual addiction.

The shock for me is gone too..it not only rocked my world, our family, friends,etc. could not believe my WH had made such a dramatic turn in his lifestyle. Though, deep down, like you I think my WH has cheated for the 10 years we have been M..not openly but I don't think he was ever truly committed either..

Yup - they find any and every excuse to get out of the house -mine had so many it was crazy. I started to keep a log to keep track of what he told me what day. Since he had a few MOW going at the same time - it was really hard finding a pattern. I can't believe these MOW are so blind and think they are the only one that my WH is "seeing"..They probably see me as a threat/problem - I'm not the problem it's the ones they don't know about that they need to worry about..hahahha..

After D-day, Wh only played me until after his D wedding, then he shut me out totally..Never had remorse, never said where he was going etc. Just walks out the door..It use to really bother me, I'd cry,etc. I'm to the point that it really doesn't matter - he's gonna do what he wants and nothing and noone will stop him.

Yep - get those copies made - get everything you can gathered up. Take notes otherwise you may forget all the attorney tells you. I went as far as setting up a new will - so if something happens to me b-4 we are divorced - he won't get anything that is deemed personal property, including my share of our business.

Are you in a community property or equitable distribution state? Do you have a 2 year no contest wait period?

I have no clue what my WH is up to...he may be playing the 2 year no contest game and that's fine.

I think we that have been cheated on numerous times - just have a harder time letting go -since we know the A's aren't truly about Love..It's a character flaw that we want to as women "fix"..I've finally really this is something I can't fix..I have to get strong and let go....someday...he will look back and wonder what happened. I know I look back already and say - how did this get so out of control...But, I know I did all I could and it wasn't enough...

HUGS

I am finally convinced that this is an addiction with WH. At first I thought it was just a fluke thing that happened. After all he presented such a great case against me about how I was not meeting his needs. WH is so persuasive when he talks that I always come away doubting myself and my initial love and intentions for our marriage. I hate what he's done to me. I was very independent, strong and sure of myself before all of this. He had me convinced it was as much my fault as it was his...maybe more.

Many of our friends/family will be shocked. We had this perfect marriage on the outside. No one on his side of the family has a clue what is going on. His mom will probably never know since she has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I consider that a blessing for her. My parents and a few of my close family know all. They've all been telling me to get prepared for the end for a while now. I just couldn't get up the energy to do anything about it until now.

What still baffles me is that both WH and myself grew up in very strong Christian homes yet still we find ourselves at verge of D. WH knows more Scripture than some pastors. How does someone like that get so far from the the truth they know? It is a real mystery.

I have a few things I'd like to say to OW...like does she seriously think she's the first one? Why is it obvious to everyone but them that a relationship based on lies cannot last?

I don't know about my state laws concerning D. I have lots of things to ask the lawyer when I see him. I do intend to try to get as much as I possibly can. I'm sure I'll have to go back to work, which really burns me up. I left a good job when we moved here and while the same place will offer me something else I won't be able to get my same job back since someone else is now doing that.

You're right about this being a character flaw. I guess I did keep thinking he'd come around...a pastor even told me that he would. Well? When? I'm tired of waiting. I did want to fix this, but it's not within my power. I have finally come to terms with the fact that I can do nothing if he will not help himself. He refuses all advice and counseling so there's really nothing left to do. I know that I've done everything I can, but I still hate where this is heading. My children will be the real losers. I guess he'll answer for that one day.

Good luck.

We share so many of the same feelings and our WH's are so similiar..There is another poster here, LetsTry who shares our pain.

I can't believe how much stronger I have become just being on this board and realizing my WH isn't unique..Finding it is a character flaw has brought me to the realization that this M cannot be saved.

I can't believe I allowed someone to control me the way he did. If nothing else, I will come out of this M not allowing this to happen to me again. I will never accept the lack of intimacy, respect, etc, from any man again.

As for your WH Christian beliefs - he must be blocking it - the addiction is stronger. I know it's hard to believe that someone we stood by and thought they were our protector in life could betray us so easily. He's not thinking about you or his beliefs when he's tied to his A's...

May I ask - did you two typically have a good sex life??? I ask this because "ours" was always an issue even when we were dating..Just trying to figure out if it's inherent in those that fall into a sexual addiction.

Good luck w/the lawyer today...

Good Morning, ItHurts,

I do gain a lot of strength from the board. Just knowing there are others in my situation helps. I have friends who know what is going on and some who have gone through their own A and D with their spouse, but noone is in the exact same situation so it nice to hear from others who know what I'm going through.

As for sex, well, I thought we had an okay sex life. I was very young and inexperienced when we got married. I wish I'd have read more books or gotten more info in the area. Just didn't really know anything. I did think everything was okay...not super terrific for me, but I still enjoyed it and didn't withhold. Come to find out WH was very unhappy about the fact that he couldn't "please me" the way he thought he should. I finally talked to a close friend and she suggested some excellent books. I tried to improve this area, but even when we got what I thought was the desired result he still wasn't happy. I finally realized that nothing I did could please him. He claims my lack of response made him vulnerable to OW. Well, if I'm the one that was unfulfilled then why didn't I go off and have my own A instead of him?

I'm off to the lawyer in a few minutes. I'll post back later with what happened.

ITHURTS and StillShocked, As IH said, I do share many of the same feelings you've described. It helps SO much to know it really wasn't (all) me since others have been treated the same way. But, I don't know if "a character flaw" necessarily dooms a M since few (if any) of us are without them. The key is COMMITMENT and the willingness to take an HONEST look at oneself - two things all our WH's seem to lack! I'm working on my own ability to be honest with myself because this is the only way I'll recognize, and refuse to accept, dishonesty from someone else. I can't change anyone but me, and even that isn't easy! But, I know now, from everything I've learned here, it's the only way to have the kind of relationship I want.

Addiction is stronger than anything, including Christian beliefs, family, friends, health, career, reputation, anything and everything else that is important to someone. Until the addict reaches the point where they can't live with the addiction and they can't live without it - that's "hitting bottom" - there's not much hope of change. The most important thing for us to remember is, IT'S NOT ABOUT US.

Our sex life, too, was an issue, very much as SS described. I thought it was ok, though not super terrific for me, but I never withheld either. I found out later H was upset that I didn't respond to him as he thought I had to old BF's - an obsession he developed after reading my journals from before I was with him. He stopped wanted to have sex with me - I almost always initiated it - but didn't tell me what was wrong. I got dx'd with breast cancer 6.5 years ago and after the mastectomy sex stopped completely. For the next 2 years, I was going through chemo, radiation, and then reconstructive surgery, so sex wasn't the #1 thing on my mind, but still, I felt rejected. I encouraged him to go to a doctor, etc. but he refused to talk about it. I finally felt well enough, both physically and emotionally to seduce him. The next day, he had the most bizarre reaction and began screaming at me about all the stuff he'd read in my journals - this was the first I knew about it - and told me he'd been planning to leave before I got breast cancer, but then felt guilty and decided to stay. After 4 months of almost continuous screaming, he moved in with MOW.

After that, he'd come over almost every day and have sex with me, then go home to MOW - even had the nerve to tell me one time he felt guilty for cheating on HER! I wish now I'd started Plan B immediately, but since he finally wanted to have sex with me, I thought it was a way to hang on to him. I know now that I'm more rational, that he was totally cake eating and I was enabling this addiction along with his other addictions to drugs and alcohol. Then an old friend of H's confirmed H had been having A's all along. I refused to believe it, just like ever other upsetting thing I'd learned about or experienced with H - DENIAL. That's why I realize honesty is so important - especially MY honesty with MYSELF!

Letstry,

Thanks for the comments. It is so helpful to hear from someone else who has been there. This is such an awful place to be. I saw a lawyer yesterday and have started the ball rolling towards D. It's my only option at this point even though it is killing me to have to do this. I'm so worried about my kids through all this. (Is it a coincidence I met the school psychologist today at DS's school?)

I just hope this isn't a long drawn out affair...no pun intended.

Thanks for the encouragement.