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#781590 01/04/05 06:18 PM
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Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in a really long time. My short version of my story, I found out about my hubby's affair Aug. 20, 2002, then found out OW was pregnant Feb. 2002, we divorced March 2003, and sold our house and I haven't seen ex since July 2003. In June 2003 my ex also admitted to having a pornography addiction since the age of 12, which I had been clueless about. Since July 2003 I had not had contact with ex til recently. I have dated some since but things have not worked out. I called ex in Oct. 2004 because as a Christian, I felt like God was telling me to do this. I did and we talked about 15 min. Very civil but not a lot of substance to the conversation- I didn't ask any questions about his life or anything. Then in the past few weeks I have felt like I needed to see him. I don't know why- I feel like part of me is wanting to let go and part of me is wanting to hang on. I feel convicted that our marriage is not broken just because of his affair and our divorce- but that we are still tied. Yet I can't imagine being with him either, and I haven't even seen him in a year and a half. How could there be any possibility of reconciliation?? I emailed him and asked him if he would meet me - he said Thurs. we could meet. In the process, I also found out his daughter was born Aug. 20, 2003 (exactly a year after I found out about the affair) and I also found out he is living with OW. He had said when he left that he had to be a full time dad, so I guess he is. She has another child with her ex, last I heard she only saw that child every other weekend.
Right now the point is not OW, although he is living with her. The point is, I don't know why these thoughts are resurfacing, and I am so confused that I don't know what to say Thur. when I see him. I don't know if God is telling me to say something or do something, or if I am just making things difficult on myself by seeing him again. I just dont' want to be dating if it is God's will for me to be reconciled to my ex, but I don't know how that could happen or if I want it to happen after all this time.
Any thoughts or advice?

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Hi adgirl48

I just saw your post and feel compelled to reply. I have not been in your situation but I am also a Christian. This does not mean I know the answers to everything, but in your case I can use simple logic to give you what I think is good advice.

You obviously have some trouble letting go of your ex-husband. People who were present in our lives are always remembered, especially if they were as close to us as parents, spouses, etc. But I do not believe for one second that God's plans for you are to give you a man that left to be with another woman, lied to you, and now has a child with her. Ask yourself is this what you really want? Lets look at it this way, even if you "reconcile", think about how complicated your life will be. Your husband is now forever tied to another woman and her child. Will you be able to handle this? Especially knowing that he already left you once for this woman?
He might be curious about meeting you - you were part of his life just as he was part of yours. The question is do you really have a future together? And even more specifically is this a HAPPY future?
If the answer to that is no, then under no circumstances allow yourself to create any new memories with this man or to relive old ones. Look for new beginnings and new people in your life.

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Stefanie,
Thanks for the reply. I didn't add the OW because if you have turned from being the OW I don't consider you a OW.
I think I am having trouble coming to terms and letting go of the miserable wife I was too. I remember things we fought about and things I said and I feel terrible for that. I want to let that stuff go and forgive myself, yet I feel like I owe him something. He was passive aggressive and didn't communicate with me, which made me crazy, but I feel like I should have been more loving or respected him more and cared more about what he was going through, and tried to help. Now I am stuck feeling like I could have done more and that is a feeling I have to let go of. I don't know if letting go includes telling him I feel this way or not. That is my struggle. As far as a happy future, well I dont' think so. But I made a commitment to love him for life, and to be faithful. I have a hard time thinking it is ok for me to be married again, although I desperately want to be to the person who loves me and that I respect like Christ wants us to in a marriage.

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I think adgirl48, that sometimes we learn from relationships, in order to be better people in new ones. Maybe that is exactly the way God plans it for us.
We first learn from our own relationship with our parents. That is the very first relationship we have and we learn a WHOLE lot from that. But we are not meant to stay with our parents forever. We move on and use what we have learnt in new relationships.
This does not mean that someone is supposed to marry, learn something and then marry someone else. Ideally, sure, marriage is for life.
But instead of using any kind of "ideal templates" and trying to follow them at all costs, look at what is ideal for YOU.
In your particular situation you have regrets about being a less-than-perfect wife - or so you believe. BUt in the end it is your husband who walked out on his for-better-for-worse vows instead of going it all the way with you.
I know you might feel guilt and perhaps want to come clean and tell him you are sorry for all the things you did. This might lift some weight off your chest. But it won't be permenant because you have not completely let go of him, or of your marriage to him.
You say that you feel like you have taken a vow to love this man for life. You can keep that vow. Just don't love him too much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and definitely don't involve him in your life again. We love our friends, family, even our pets. But we can love someone in a healthy way to where this does not affect our daily life and we do not think about them all the time. Until you reach that point, it will be unwise for you to fan up any old flames with your ex. You might think it to be exciting or a "sign from God" if you feel it start happening, and will quickly get consumed by it. But it will only be a sign of trouble.
You can make a choice and never open the door for more complications into your life and instead start a clean slate and a new healthy beginning. And someone that God truly means for you might be waiting out there.

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Hi AdGirl! I remember you - from awhile back and I followed your story closely and yes, I posted several times as well - back then I was 'DJ T-Bird' but I lost my password, so I had to reregister.. Whatever.
Regarding your current sitch, my take on it (and this is ONLY my opinion) - I think the line in your Sig Line kinda like, says it all: "A marriage doomed from the start if I had looked close enough and thought hard enough." Reconcile with him? Just read some of the posters here who are (or have been) married to Sexual/Porno Addicts.. it's nothing but MISERY.
I for one would most definitely RUN! Sure, go talk to him, you know, kinda like keeping up with his continuing saga of a wasted life, sort of like a soap opera.
Please, do run from any reconciling with him - this divorce was NOT your fault, so you are blameless.
Again, just my own opinion.
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Stephanie,
Thanks for the response. Lots of good stuff in there to consider.
In your particular situation you have regrets about being a less-than-perfect wife - or so you believe. BUt in the end it is your husband who walked out on his for-better-for-worse vows instead of going it all the way with you.

This is a good point.
You can make a choice and never open the door for more complications into your life and instead start a clean slate and a new healthy beginning. And someone that God truly means for you might be waiting out there.

But will God bless that with me being divorced? This is part of my struggle. I wonder if God wants me to be single, even though I don't want to be, or if He wants me to reconcile, even though I am not sure how that could work.

DJ T-Bird,
Good to hear from you! I laughed at your email. It is a mess that I can't imagine stepping back into. I guess I am in the frame of mind that God works miracles, and do I need to wait and see what happens? Do I need to have faith that He will turn my ex around and wait for that day, or is it really ok to move on?

I found this website and it just freaked me out a bit I think.

http://www.bcbsr.com/topics/marry.html

It is kinda long but their point is that you aren't severed from a person you are married too, even divorced due to adultery, unless they are dead.

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Adgirl,

In my opinion everyone makes mistakes and can be forgiven if you are willing to forgive. He may be a changed man.

Since your X is with OW it would not be wise to get involved with him.

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adgirl48,
I think it is wonderful for any Christian to try to do what God wants them to do. But in your case I think it is an unconscience desire of your own that you are longing for and are trying to feel convinced that this what God wants you to do, because then you can feel fully justified and have a full go ahead in your mind.

Let me tell you, we will always find reasons to try to do the things we might long for inside. There are just as many reasons why God will NOT want you to re-fan this relationship, probably a lot MORE than any reason you can find that will seem to indicate that this a relationship made in heaven. For one thing I will tell you that God will never try to separate a parent from their child. Ever. So by that alone it will never be in His plans to give this man back to you and leave an innocent child with a part-time father.

You can certainly find anything, whether online or in a book to support your reasoning, when you want something really bad. But usually, we do not steer God to give us what WE want. Because yes, he does work miracles... and those miracles will not involve YOU trying to revive this relationship because you feel God speaking to you. If God gives this man back to you, you can be sure this will not be the way He will do it.

Now, you may get all sorts of advice here and in any other forum, but in the end you will either give in to the temptation to do what you wish for and find a way to feel justified in that, or you will hold your head up high and refuse to give in to what is obviously the WRONG thing for you to do. If you end up giving in... no matter how you justifify it now, you will be plagued with a nagging little voice of inner guilt, doubt, pain and weakness, probably for the rest of your life.

Because you will never fully be able to convince yourself that this is what God means for you and that this is how he meant you to go about it. And you won't because it is not the case.

Let go of what went wrong. Did God MEAN for this to happen to you? No he didn't. And he will certainly not mean to put you right back into it, with the complication of someone else's child in the picture.

Once you are married to someone you are married to them for life till death do you part?? I dont think so. Not by the many Christian SECOND marriages out there which have been more Godly and have done more to honor him than any of the previous BAD marriages.

I don't know your story... but were you a devoted Christian when you WERE married to your husband? Was he? Was it a Godly marriage? Or was it one you truly need to put behind you forever.

And look to new blessings and miracles that will be given to you in much less painful ways... and with no doubts or conflicts. Those will be from Him.

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adgirl,

You sig doesn't say, but if I'm remembering correctly, you and your X didn't have any kids, right?

If I'm right about that, then look at the situation you are describing here:

- You and X have no kids, but he has a child with xOW (and I say x because, since you are divorced, she is no longer OW technically) and is living with her.

- Given the timeline of your marriage and divorce, as well as of the affair and pregnancy, your X has been with xOW almost as long as he was with you - maybe longer depending on when the affair started.

- There's still the whole issue of sex/porn addiction. Has he gotten any help for that? Is it still a problem?

I've seen similar things about not being severed from the original marriage, no matter what, until the other spouse has died. And I will admit that at times it made me wonder... But like many things in the Bible, many people interpret this in different ways. Me, I always try to take it down to the basics. Did I have a valid reason, in the eyes of God, for divorcing? Yes, adultery. And I know God is able to forgive when we make mistakes. I can't believe that means that I am supposed to stay single the rest of my life, or go back to a man who could hurt me in the ways my ex did.

You said that you are having trouble coming to terms with the problems you had as a wife. Have you ever apologized to your X for your part in the failure of the marriage? Maybe what this really is is that you need that closure - to tell him that you recognize your part in it, and that you're sorry for that. Maybe you just need to tie up those last loose ends with him before you can really move on.

More than anything, I look at it this way - even if he hasn't married the mother of his child, he is living with her, and they do have a child together. Even if it turned out to be possible for you to get back with your X, wouldn't that be ripping apart another family at this point?

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Even if it turned out to be possible for you to get back with your X, wouldn't that be ripping apart another family at this point? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Those were my thoughts too Peguin when Adgirl48 posted this on the emotional needs board yesterday.

Her response to this was that "they are not a family" because they are not married, however, I disagree.

They are living together (and yes, God would want them to make it right and get married) and they are raising a child together. THAT is a family IMO.

This post as bothered me quite a lot because I would never want to stand in the way of what God would want to be doing here.....however, I feel strongly that because a child is involved and there is a divorce (and yes, God recongizes divorce- He can't say He hates it- if He doesn't acknowledge it exists- plus the fact HE himself, had divorced Himself from Israel-so divorce does exist)that God it is inappropriate for her to be calling him up after all this time and meeting with him, especially since his GF is not in favor of it and it has upset her.


Just my two cents worth.....Adgirl48 I pray that you get your closure and again, like I say, I'll say a quick prayer for you.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by adgirl48:
<strong>Then in the past few weeks I have felt like I needed to see him. I don't know why- I feel like part of me is wanting to let go and part of me is wanting to hang on. I feel convicted that our marriage is not broken just because of his affair and our divorce- but that we are still tied. Yet I can't imagine being with him either, and I haven't even seen him in a year and a half. How could there be any possibility of reconciliation??

...The point is, I don't know why these thoughts are resurfacing, and I am so confused that I don't know what to say Thur. when I see him. I don't know if God is telling me to say something or do something, or if I am just making things difficult on myself by seeing him again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Perhaps you have recognized, or God is prompting you to recognize, that it is time for some sort of closure. Maybe you need to apologize, and/or to see that it is time to let go.

Regarding your concerns about God's perspective on your situation, I very highly recommend David Instone-Brewer's book Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context. I had similar concerns to yours, and I read numerous books on the subject, presenting a wide variety of viewpoints and conclusions. This book was the only one that I thought presented a fully coherent picture of Biblical teaching.

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See, that's two votes for closure!

Divorce truly is a hard thing. You feel like a part of your life is missing, and you look for something to fill in that hole. You've found that dating - trying to find a new relationship - won't fill that gap. But neither will going back to your X, even if that did work out. You need to work on making yourself whole, and on being satisfied in life, whether that life is alone or with someone else.

Remember, that's the mistake that WS's make. They feel a need, a hole in their lives, and try to fill it with OPs instead of looking at themselves and working on their own lives.

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For one thing I will tell you that God will never try to separate a parent from their child. Ever. So by that alone it will never be in His plans to give this man back to you and leave an innocent child with a part-time father.

Stephanie, So what about Hunter, the child OW had with ex-H who now has a part time mom who only sees him every other weekend because she left her H for mine?
Are you saying that an innocent child is more important than an innocent spouse?
I am saying they are both important. I am also saying as a child of divorced parents, I wish mine had divorced sooner instead of fighting in front of me almost my whole childhood. I was a Christian, I thought he was a Christian, but no, we really didn't lead a Godly marriage, which is partly why I feel I need closure and forgiveness for being a crummy wife in a lot of ways.

Penguin,
You remember correctly! I appreciate your input.
Given the timeline of your marriage and divorce, as well as of the affair and pregnancy, your X has been with xOW almost as long as he was with you - maybe longer depending on when the affair started.
I actually thought of that before you said it! We were together 6 years when you count dating and marriage, they have been together about 2.5 years if you count the time frame the affair started (Aug. 2002, although we tried reconciliation off and on until Mar 2003, and he said he had to be with the child full time)
I am not really interested in getting back together with my husband. I AM interested in knowing that it is ok for me to move on, for me to remarry, for ex to know that I seek forgiveness for the crummy role I played as a wife(I am not to blame for his affair or his porn addiction- I am to blame for not honoring him, respecting him or showing him more love and concern- I didn't pay attention when he was hurting). And I want to know if God is opening any door for reconciliation, and if I really am tied to him for life (Yes God recognizes divorce- he divorced Israel- he also has said He will reconcile in the latter days- and did not divorce Judah), or if God is blessing me to move forward. That is why I don't want OW or GF or whatever at the meeting- I don't know if she would lose it on me. I don't intend to discuss her a whole lot- The issue is, I feel like i have this hole in me- And I think it is partly to do with the fact that I have to let go of the guilt and the sorrow for a broken marriage, and move forward- whatever that means. I am well aware that you have to know yourself and care for yourself and love yourself before you can be with another person. I am also aware that we are all messed up to some level- that is why we need God's grace.

Gnome de Plume<
So good to hear from you. Thanks for the book recommendation, I will take a look. Yes, I think God is prompting me for something- I just have to see what that is. What is your situation these days?

<small>[ January 06, 2005, 06:58 AM: Message edited by: adgirl48 ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by adgirl48:
<strong>

DJ T-Bird,
I guess I am in the frame of mind that God works miracles, and do I need to wait and see what happens? Do I need to have faith that He will turn my ex around and wait for that day, or is it really ok to move on?

I found this website and it just freaked me out a bit I think.

http://www.bcbsr.com/topics/marry.html

It is kinda long but their point is that you aren't severed from a person you are married too, even divorced due to adultery, unless they are dead. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are right - this is a hard one to crack. In applying the principles listed on this site (the one you Linked) I am an adulterer. So is my wife coz she married me. So are so many others today.
In my particular case - no there is no way I see any possibly way - not back then - nor now - nor in the future of ever reconciling with my ex-wife. I feel like she stomped and stomped my love and heart like you would stomp a fire.. eventually the LAST spark goes out. My last spark died in June 1998. Since then, she's 'thrown water' on me every chance she gets, insanely, to be sure. How could I reconcile to her? No way.
That brings me to today. Am I an adulterer? If so, then Jesus does forgive - he forgave the woman at the well who had been married 6 times and was living with the 7th. Had I known and thought about all this before, maybe things might be different, who knows? But what's done is done. I'm remarried. I will NOT go to her and say, "Hey honey, I'm an adulterer and so are you coz you remarried me according to those verses." I think not! Again, what's done is done. I made her a Sacred Vow and I will keep it till one of us dies. However, know this - I also swore to her that I would NEVER EVER remarry again, nor would I ever have sexual relations with a woman again once our Marriage ends. Period. I have walked the Aisle my FINAL time.
Still, in your sitch - your Sig Line tells me that your ex-husband - unless he does a serious 180 turnaround - is NOT going to change anything. Let's say he reconciled with you, and y'all remarried.. old problems - the same old ones would just crop up again. and then you'd be in the same boat you jumped out of earlier with him..
Sure, be friends. Talk as friends. Remarry? I wouldn't. And that is only MY opinion.
Sauron (The Dark Lord of Mordor)

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As a Christian, I struggled alot with those questions when I left my now ex husband, when I divorced, and when I remarried.

First, I realized WHY God hates divorce.....because it HURTS us, his beloved children. Not because we are horrible awful persons, but because he loves us and doesn't want us to make the decisions that end in unhappiness and divorce. And the mistakes we make that get us to that point are not unforgiveable, if we ask God for forgiveness.

When I left, I knew I had done everything I could to make our marriage work. I prayed so much, and I really believe God "released" me, that my ex would not ALLOW God to work in our marriage so that it could be a good one.

As to remarriage, I believe God sent me a man who had his own battle scars from divorce, and we complement each other in ways that are helping us heal. God "restores what the locusts have eaten", and gives us second chances. Even 3rd and 4th if you need them.

So, while you might be curious, don't allow yourself to confuse your longings for what "might have been" with a sign that God wants you to reconcile. Your ex has shown where he's at, with a woman and a child, and you need to let that relationship work and move on in your own life. God has someone much better for you than yesterdays hash!

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by adgirl48:
<strong>Gnome de Plume<
So good to hear from you. Thanks for the book recommendation, I will take a look. Yes, I think God is prompting me for something- I just have to see what that is. What is your situation these days? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Beats me what my situation is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I hang with a really great group of friends, I'm doing a bunch of things that I am excited about doing, my finances are still questionable, and I still have zero contact with my ex-wife.

I remain madly "in love" with a good friend who has no romantic interest in me, which makes it virtually impossible to get interested in dating anyone (else).

In short, I am enjoying my crazy* life but I have no idea where God is taking me or why it seems I am only capable of being in love with inaccessible women.

* actually, it is not my life that's crazy; it's just me

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Sure, be friends. Talk as friends. Remarry? I wouldn't. And that is only MY opinion.
Sauron (The Dark Lord of Mordor)


Thanks Sauron. I don't know that being friends would work. But I appreciate the feedback. I think a friendship is just too hard and that would interfere. I either want to know that it is truly gone with no possible reconciliation (unless God works a miracle) or it is over totally with no contact. For some reason a while back I was talking to my mom about if I died, and she said she would contact ex if I did or that someone would. That struck me as odd- you don't talk to an ex while you are alive, but you die and they should know? Again, broken relationships are just bizarre to me. As far as your remarriage, I definitely don't believe that God intends for you to divorce- but to be a Godly spouse.

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When I left, I knew I had done everything I could to make our marriage work. I prayed so much, and I really believe God "released" me, that my ex would not ALLOW God to work in our marriage so that it could be a good one.


Annas new life, this part is making me think. I remember thinking this when I let the divorce go through and signed the papers. Everytime I prayed for a 2nd chance with him, something bad happened. I caught him with her or in a lie or something. And he didn't want to allow God to work in our lives- he would say that God wanted us to be divorced and when I prayed it would just be a process for him.
How long was it before you remarried? I guess I had just heard so many cases where people remarry fairly quickly, and I know work has to be done before that can happen, I just want to make sure God will bless a 2nd marriage if that opportunity ever came along.

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I remain madly "in love" with a good friend who has no romantic interest in me, which makes it virtually impossible to get interested in dating anyone (else).


Gnome de plume- realizing that I may get blasted because of my initial email and I sound like i am contradicting myself- I remember this situation with your friend because I had that situation. You have dealt with this a long time and I believe you are preventing yourself from finding someone who truly wants to be with you. I ended up not talking to my friend for about 6 months so I could heal, I do talk to him now but it is different. I don't have any romantic expectations. I want you to find someone who really wants to be with you and that you can wholeheartedly love and who will respect and honor you. Be careful not to let this friendship stand in the way of that.

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I was divorced Dec. 2, 2002 and remarried Oct. 2, 2004. In my situation, I joined a group that does medieval re-enactment in August of 2002, which is where I met my now husband. At the time he had a girlfriend and was an aquaintance in the group, no romance involved. We participated in group activities for the first year I knew him, during that time he and his gf broke up, and in April of 2003 he surprised me with 41 roses for my birthday! That's the first time I knew he was interested! However, he still had feelings for the ex gf, so we didn't seriously date till Oct. of 2003; and were married a year later. To some that might seem fast; I think you have to go with your own time table. For me, I felt God put it together as we have very similar religous backgrounds and beliefs; he's very much like my father was (who died 2 years ago), he has a strong need for admiration and appreciation and I have a knack for handing that out by the wagon load..... but my point is, when I found him, I wasn't looking, just busy with my life; and I got to know him as a person, and through other people first, so I'm more sure that he's the right one and I won't get any nasty surprises.

Hope that helps some, I was rather longwinded. Getting a bit of cabin fever with 12" of snow outside!

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