My best friend is going through a divorce after being married just 6 years. There is no hope to reconciliate this marriage. And its probably for the best since her husband is an alcoholic with massive problems.

I have been there for her all I can and so have her parents and many other people. I am closest to her and hate to see her suffer but she is absolutely unwilling to quit being a basketcase or do a single positive thing.

I have realized that I am beginning to avoid her (we work together) because all she does is drains me and I feel like all my good advice/caring/support is going into some bottomless bucket, that's draining me but not at all filling anything up!!

She is my best friend and I want to know what I can do that will be effective because I really don't want to withdraw from her. I have advised that she seek counseling from a professional... and the earliest they can see her is next week. But I might not survive till next well, or she might not. She refuses to see anything good in life and just goes on and on and on about how she is dying inside and I might as well be talking to a brick wall trying to make her feel better.

If anyone has any good advice PLEASE help!!!

If you really think she might not survive until next week, you can take her to the emergency room and tell them she's suicidal. They'll keep for a couple of days for observation.

Meanwhile, you can avoid your friend for a little while. Or ask that you two talk about something other than her divorce for at least thirty minutes at a time. Try to pace yourself. When someone is depressed or in emotional turmoil he tends to be self-absorbed and draining. Maybe tell your friend that you need to talk about something that's going on in your life.

Sorry my ideas aren't very good. Maybe someone else will see your post and offer better ones.

stefanieow
i'm only trying to help,,as i'll share my thoughts,,with suggestions-
i'm wondering if it's possible that you can still just be there for her. You mentioned you are best friends? What are best friends for?

WIth myself, eventually i realized i was being a self absorbed burden onto others- with my own personal problems. Although, it's imperative that she does realize you are there for her. As difficult for you as it may be,,,she may need you even during a late night phone call???

WIth your friend's pain/suffering, out of curiousity, how familiar are you with the true griefing process associated with divorce? THis si something actually above the griefing process of a loos of a belated loved one, as they have gone back home to our maker.

SOem handle this better than others, yet with some, longer and shorter,,

IM'Humble' opinion,,i don't think avoiding her is a good idea. Sure it's draining to you, yet with her,, she is feeling betrayed, and all emotions are currently at the same time.

I wonder if her being/feeling or even simply 'wondering' if you to are betraying her, would be such a good idea?

I know greenables means so very well,, just i can't agree,, is that ok greenables? can we agree to disagree? again,, just my thouughts is all,, i'm no expert here,, i've only 'been' there. "IF" she's suicidal, then by all means get her that help.. it is very possible that she may need/require anti-depressants? again, some do-some don't.

stephan

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

I can relate to being drained, unfortunatley "being there" in support requires some emotional, mental and physical involvement which always will result in draining of oneself if that person is extremly depressed.. You would not be a good friend otherwise, however if you run yourself "flat" you will not be able to maintain that support or look after yourself.

She will need your support for a long time while shes going through each stage that everyone goes through during divorce.. theres is no quick fix..

You are being an awesome friend, keep it up, but also note that in order for you to keep it going, you also need to recharge yourself and keep your emotional and physical energy levels up.

Your friend will not realise the burden she is placing on you.. so it will be up to you to monitor your levels.. I would try and get another friend or family member involved for support, that way you can spread the load and work in tandem, if she is truely suicidal, make sure the relevent partys are notified, even try and push the counciling appointment forward..

It will take time for her to work through this depending on what type of person she is (positive person etc), I actually agree with short timeouts just for you to recharge.. but dont let her feel alone.. because right now, youre probably her only emotional crutch so shes leaning hard on you.

Remember not to push her too much on seeing the good things, because right now she wont want to, take her out of the environment that shes crying in, take her for a walk, light excersise always helps, keep the room bright and well lit, dark rooms and bedrooms always are depressive once youre in that frame of mind, she will also be her lowest at a certain time of day, you as a friend will know when, make sure you keep her company then. Stay away from movies, music that will remind her too much of her loss (unfortunatly 6 years of relationship will cover a lot of that) :S , try and pick subjects of discussion outside her current state. (easier said than done).. I hope it works out for you and your friend, we all need more friends like you.

Thank you everyone for your answers. Yes, because my monitors are beginning to sense that I am getting drained, that is why I am desperate for advice because I truly DO want to be there for her, and not let go, and am trying to find something before my batteries get depleted.

Stephan, yes I am very familiar with the process of grief. I lost my father with whom I was very close in a tragic event, just a few years ago. I also know the pain of heartbreak and have been there. And I have been more emphatic to her pain than anyone she knows. I also spend all my available time with her and put her first. Which is obviously why I am so drained, but I can't find time for myself without avoiding her one way or another.

I know there are people who help themselves even in the darkest of times, and others who just refuse to get better. It has been quite a while now, and she is still at square one.
Yes, everyone recovers at their own pace, and I have been extremely sensitive to that. At the same time I know I need to find new ways to help her, because she does not want to think positive in the least, even logically.
She is not suicidal, I dont think, just a total basketcase. She does not want to adopt any healthy views and just wants to hear that he will regret the day he left and will come back begging on his knees. Even while the divorce is in full motion. She needs that assurance that this is the future in store or she can't function. The truth is I can't tell her that. Wouldn't it be nice to have a crystal ball and know. But even if we did, I'd have to tamper with it to show only the outcome she wants to see. Or else she cant deal with it.

I just am emotionally drained on so many levels. I have problems of my own. Yes I try to talk about other things in life gingerly every once in a life. But she questions how I can talk about anything else when this disaster is happening in her life. There is no reasoning with her. And yes.... I am exhausted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As I'm going through my own issues right now, let me tell you how I fell about the greaving process. I've started going into corners by myself to cry now. I've come to realize that there's only SO much my family can give me before it's time for the pity party to be over, but logically seeing that and emotionally comming to terms with it are two ENTIRELY different things. Ya'll should set up what my girl-friends and I in high school called "b****-rattle" sessions where we talked about EVERYTHING we needed to get out about guys and life...it was a no calorie night, and as we talked and got out a good cry we did something that was completely silly and superficial like giving ourselves manicures and assisting with painting toenails and finger nails. I think doing little things like that if nothing else give you a physical avenue to get through difficult subjects. Does that make sense. You don't feel like you have to stare uncomfertably at someone while they're dealing with a painful subjet, and pretty toenails CAN help give you maybe a short lived self esteem boost but one that's (at this point espically!) REALLY needed. Also, having to pay attention in some small part to what you're doing so that you don't paint skin helps keep you calm and the tears down for the most part. People don't go through divorces to inconvience their friends and familys, but, it's also (sometimes unfortunatly) not something that can be scheduled so that the key players are free and at THEIR best to handle the problem. If you look through the Basic Concepts provided on this site and apply them to this situation, you'll see that something does have to be said/done about this situation because you're now feeling too much like the Giver, and the withdrawls from your love bank for her is comming to close to the red zone to do either of you anygood. Do you think that you could talk to her about how hard it is for you to deal with her loss or would that set her off on a spiral?

Getting a good counselor is a great start.
Also, finding a local separated/divorced support group will introduce her to others in her situation and she'll find people who are like her, and possibly not burden you so much.

I personally am amazed by the friends who stood by me and are still my friends today. They were great, and I'm lucky to have them around and happy I didn't totally burn them out.

stefanieow

i'm wondering, what are the chances that your friend can/will begin talking/posting here at MB?

I think you are a most wonderful caring warm hearted person,, keep it up-! You to are human, and can only recieve just so much-

Stefanieow- you too keep posting here- is can be a good place for you to,,, even if you need to vent resulting from the frustration.

personally, i'd have to pass on the pretty mails thing though lol

stever

My brother went through a bad divorce a couple of years ago and he was draining me too for the longest time. Nobody wanted to answer the phone when they saw his number, it is a long distance call but he would call every couple of days and be crying, angry, frustrated, sad whatever and always repeating himself. He was very depressed and I was concerned for him. He eventually met another woman and is now happy so he hardly calls. He always said he never wanted to live with anyone again but she moved in real fast and now she lives off of him. But that's another story.

As hard as it may be if you are truly her friend then all you do is listen, be there and maybe take her out once in a while so she can forget for a while.

Marie

Why don't you send her here and let some of these fine folks carry the load for a bit?