H has basicly quit even pretending to try to rebuild our M. I don't think that he ever tried.
I have been thru so much and I know that this man will never be what I need in life, but I can't let go. He can be so mean and selfish and I am not happy. But somehow I can't get the dream out of my head. I keep thinking but "what if????" The problem is is that he never gave me any of the what if's and he never will. I needed him to be sorry for the A. I needed him to quit wanting to go out with the guys. I wanted affection. I know that if those needs were met I could of given and given and we both could of been very happy. The problem is is that he never tried to give. So why am I saying "What if?"

In my heart I know that I will probably be happier in life without him. I did all the important things to me alone anyway. I don't need all the hurts and disappointments that seem to come along with him. He has told me that the M is over, but never did any of the filing. I have done it just to get out of limbo. I hate living with him like a roommate with him coming and going and I never really believe where he tells me he is at. It is the worse feeling not knowing or believing. So I have pushed for him to move out and tonight he did and I am crying like a baby. I pushed for it because I think it will be the best for me, but I am hurting so bad that I don't know what to do.

Why can't I just let go knowing in my heart that that is for the best?? And what am I trying to hold on to?? How can he walk away like I don't matter?

CD, I'm really sorry.

Unfortunately, once we marry, it's very hard to let go. Heck, I've been separated for 1.75 years now, and I still go through "what ifs." For me, part of it is to acknowledge that in spite of what my H says, his actions show that I matter considerably less than what he wants at a particular moment. I should just be happy and grateful that he loves me.

HA! Of course he loves me. I did a fabulous Plan A, well, a fabulous doormat imitation. However, anytime I stand up and say "No, this or that is NOT alright with me," my H. calls me selfish and says I treat him terribly.

Oh, sorry for the me,me,me rant. The whole point was that for me, it's hard to acknowledge that someone doesn't value me enough.

I forget if you have done Plan B. If not, you may want to consider it. Just becuase you filed, doesn't mean you have to get divorced tomorrow. I filed over a year ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I know that of which I speak. A solid Plan B will protect you, get you some control over the situation and give your H a good solid dose of reality.

Meanwhile, spend some time here. The first bit of being alone is really hard. It's lonely at first. Make plans to do stuff. Avoid sappy love movies and depressing music.

Meanwhile, I'm sending hugs.

I've been in your situation for a while, too. WH had 2 As and I'm pretty sure is currently involved in another one. We went to counseling after I begged, pleaded, cajoled, etc. He went 3 times and announced he didn't need to go anymore. I kept trying different things: changing to better meet his needs; be more attentive; spice up the sex life; but nothing helped. He did NOTHING, but stand acting like he couldn't make up his mind. Why do we still keep trying? Because we don't want to give up. We know somewhere inside it the person we married and fell in love with.

I finally realize I've done all I can do. We can't make WS change or "fix" this alone. It's a harsh reality, but a true nonetheless.

I'm seeing a lawyer this week. It's time.

I'm saying a prayer for you.

Hey,

Just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is normal. I was married and devoted to my husband for 22 years. I accepted him back after numerous affairs, supported his career and raised our kids pretty much by myself. He traded me in without looking back this time.

It has taken me a long time to stop the "what ifs"---I still have them---but it doesn't take as long now to get out of that. It will improve as you slowly but surely take steps to improve your life emotionally.

We all deserve to be loved and I am hopeful that sometime I will find myself in a relationship when I don't have to beg for affection, caring and fun. I had and sometimes still have questions as to why he treated me the way he did. I wish it had been different--but the reality was it wasn't and at least now there is hope for a better future.

Take care, Pat

Hey coolduck... if there's one thing that delays recovery post-separation, it's the lingering "what ifs". I wish I could say that those days are totally behind me, but I'd be lying. I still have those thoughts occasionally.

What's changed in the 14 months since the split and 17 months since D-Day is the frequency and intensity of the thoughts. Nowadays, if/when I have them, they're usually very indistinct -- sort of a vague "musing" rather than anything excessively focused and analytical.

The funny part is, when I have those thoughts, I look at my life and try to figure out what exactly, at this point in time, I miss about my old life with her. There's a few things:

1) The closeness of being in a relationship
2) The added financial security of coupledom, though my career is starting to take off
3) Seeing my kids every day

It took me awhile to realize this, but the interesting thing about each of those points is that none of them is necessarily dependent on her (except maybe the kids part, because she's their mother). The reasons for being with her have receded, and left only the other two that don't inspire a wish to be with her -- just with somebody that I can have a committed, honest relationship with.

The only one that relates to her, I guess, is the lingering feeling that she "owes" it to me to build an honest marriage with me... but even that's not much of a factor, because I know, for myself above all, that it's too late for that.

Like you, I've asked myself in the past, "what am I holding on to?" And the answer -- intellectually, "nothing" -- is pretty clear to me.

Sorry if I'm rambling. Hang in there... you'll make it.

Thank you so much for the replys. I have had a couple of low days. I am trying to get out and exercise to clear my mind. I also am planning to visit my brother this weekend, which of course brought fury from my H. He feels that I am being cruel taking his DD away from him and that if I get her this weekend - He gets her next. He is currently living with his parents and she doesn't have a room let alone a bed there. i don't want to let her go. I am having a difficult time sharing her. H didn't want her during the first year of her life while he was sleeping with OW, but now that that is done(??????) he wants joint custody. I know that I am going to have a fight on my hands, but I want my child to know where her home is. I want her to spend time with him, but spend most of her nights in the same place. There is nothing like home.
This custody thing is going to kill me.

Also I am confused with his behavior. He moves out on my request on Tuesday after taking DD for the whole evening. He wanted to see her on Wednesday, since I am leaving this weekend. So he comes down to the house and stays. I am not sure why. My DD had been sick, but seemed fine. He watched her videos with her and asked what I cooked for dinner and if I would make him some. It was odd, because we hung out as a family. Then at bedtime DD threw up. H wanted to know if I wanted him to stay. First of all I took care of the throw up on my own.

I'm so confused by his behavior. He doesn't want to be here, but then he doesn't want to leave. I don't know if it is because he doesn't have a place of his own - which he has never hurried out to get - or if he is really just confused about what he wanted. I am trying not to read anything into anything, but I almost hate spending evenings with him because it almost gives me hope and I don't want false hope.

Sorry I guess I just needed to vent,