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Joined: Mar 2002
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maw64 Offline OP
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Hey guys - I have been around just not posting much - but here is pretty much the situation... I have been divorced for two years now...and yup the OW still lives next door to me - and yup they are still seeing each other - and believe it or not it is still somewhat of a secret to most people - he has only gone there like five times - but I believe that is to change - here is a series of events...

1. I gave her son a ride to the busstop - she called me up and told me that if he was ever in my car again - she would have me arrested... I thought ok - what the heck???

2. She called me up like two weeks after that and threatened to tell my girls stuff that I did in high school - or she was gonna - because she wanted my girls to know who the real *hore was - nice huh??? And believe me while not a nun - nothing was that bad..

3. New Years Eve I stayed home - my girls ages 14 and 11 - at home - my 11 year old niece and my 14 yr. olds friend were over - I had a couple of drinks - it was New years eve.. Then at like 11:30pm - four boys from the neighborhood stopped over - OW son happened to be one of them - well she freaked out to say the least - her and my ex were out and she was calling son on cell phone to see where he was - Outcome - she called my house at 1:07am - said I was a sick woman - that I needed to invite the neighborhood boys over because - I had no friends - and that her son is not allowed at my house - and it will be up to me to tell him that if he ever comes over..

4. New Years Day - ex calls freaks on me - freaks on kids - says he is done with us all - that the girls don't like him - do they want him in their lives - the oldest said NOPE - the youngest never answered... So now he is back to never paying for anything - which he didn't do much of anyways - never seeing them again - he may have saw them 10 times in the last year - End of story so far...

But what happens to me - is that I get all upset - she is blaming me - for her kid coming to my house - calling me threatening my life - with such hate - Again what the hell did I do??? My ex is blaming me for our kids not taking to kindly to him going out with the lady next door - so what does he do - he says he is gonna go over there all of the time and probably move in...
Lovely thought huh??? But I get depressed - it is like I take on the weight of the world - because these two kids have to deal with these selfish parents - her kids and my kids... I get depressed because I know it is gonna kill my kids even if they dont' like their dad right now to see him next door with the wack job.... What did I do??? It is like a constant reminder everyday with her there - And as for moving right now not an option I can do??? I do I make myself not accept any of the blame - for stuff I didn't do?

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The answer to your question seems pretty clear: Move.

I'm sure you have reasons you would prefer not to. But surely you can live somewhere that is not next door to the OW? Somewhere in your children's same school district? Maybe the girls can help you look for something. It can be a family project to mark the beginning of a new life.

Does OW's son know he's not allowed to talk to you?

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maw64 Offline OP
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Well if it was a simple as moving - I would have done that before - but in the beginning I chose to stay because I thought it was in the best interest of my children - and in the beginning I also didn't know that the woman next door was the other woman..Now honestly I cannot move - with my credit status at the moment and the money that I would have to pay my ex - financially it is impossible... And yes I believe that her child knows that he is not to talk to me.. but really what the heck did I do??? And I just need to figure out how to not let the two of them bother me - with all of their blame - I guess that is my real question??? How do I do that without moving... ???

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Why do you have to sell the house to move?

Is it possible that you could turn your home into a rental property, and rent it to someone else. (So you don't sell it, and still have a revenue stream.)

Then you rent another home or apartment until your credit situation gets squared away.

There is some risk, your renter doesn't pay, etc. But it may be another way to take control over the situation.

Heck, if your ex is with OW, maybe you could get him to buy you out of the home, he hands you a wad of cash from the buyout, and you rent until the credit is better.

Just throwing out possibilities. It does sound like a tough situation, so I hope you can find a way you can move elsewhere.

TB

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Well, if I'm reading correctly, all this vitriol was transmitted via telephone? So how about screening out their calls with caller id. Then, when they leave a vitriolic message, just delete without listening. Perhaps you can really arrange things so that calls from their phone numbers do not get through to you at all (I don't know the technology). Or at least you can change your phone number, right?

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maw64,

I really don't believe that you meant any harm, but allowing minor children to come into your home without the parent's express permission might not be the best idea. You might want to think that one over for a bit.

There is nothing wrong with you having a couple of drinks in your own home, but bear in mind that alcohol does occasionally cloud the judgement and reasoning process. And given that the you and the OW already don't like each other, this really isn't a good mix. Just remember that inside your own home, you literally own the air people breath, and you have both the rights and responsibilities that go with it. And these four young men don't have the experience, reasoning ability or judgement that you do. Heaven forbid, one of them figures out a way to sneak a drink without your permission.

Next time OW's son comes by, tell him gently but firmly, you can't allow him in without his parent's permission.

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maw64 Offline OP
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Java - I have to pay him off -- if I move out of the residency - pretty much - it is a horrible - horrible situation - one that the two of them think - that well they deserve to be happy - and so therefore all of the kids and stuff will be happy.. I totally do not in an certain terms care if the two of them are together - what I do care about is that my kids feel upset that their dad is next door - and it tends to happen when they have friends over and then they get embarrassed - frankly the two wack jobs deserve each other.... Plain and simple.....

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maw64 Offline OP
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Curious - I cannot change my phone # without giving it to their father - and believe you me - he will probably give it to her..

Bumperii - Yes I understand what you are saying - but I do not think that it should be my sole responsibility to tell her son not to enter my home... He has done nothing and is innocent in all of this - he came to see my child - not me - but believe you - none of those children will be in my home anytime soon - nor will any other kids for that matter - because I do not want to be accused of anything ... So in a fact this now affects my children because I do not want anyone's children over my house...

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Maw64,

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on the idea. I don't mean to sound cruel, but I've been through this before, I raised three teenagers myself as a single father.

A lot of the neighborhood kids came to our house, I always had plenty of cold cuts, chips and soda there for them.

Then came the day when I arrived home from work to the stench of both cigarette and marijuana smoke, found the rolling papers and a few weed seeds in the cushions of the sofa. I told the other parents what I found, not all of them were happy to hear it. That put an end to that nonsense. The youngsters had only let me in on their thoughts as far as it suited their purposes.

Again, I don't think you meant any harm. You just can't get inside other people's heads, especially teenagers. Just let me share this with you, all teenage boys have the fantasy of the "older woman." That fantasy really goes off the page where divorced older women are concerned. And if you doubt that, well even Hollywood plays to that fantasy, (The Graduate) that may be why a show like "Desparate Wives" is such a hit.

Now it isn't your responsibility to be the only one to tell the young man that he isn't allowed in your home, his parents surely are primarily responsible for that. But you can't use that as an excuse, you are the gatekeeper, and you still have a responsibility to refuse admittance to him. So even if you and the boy's mother dislike eeach other, you still have a sort of a shared responibility.

And you already know that although this woman does not meet her own responisbilities, she won't hesitate to call and blame you if she thinks you are not acting responsibly. I just recommend that you not leave yourself open to the accusations.

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maw64 Offline OP
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Bumperii - point well taken and thanks for the laugh on the graduate thing... but I understand what you mean - she is gonna blame me for anything - because if she cannot blame me then who can she blame right??? I have already told my daughter that I do not want any of the neighborhood boys in the house - that it was not worth my headache - and lets face it this woman is gonna make my life a living h*ll if need be... I don't believe that any of these kids drink or smoke but you are right - who am I to know - you know??? I am only going to keep track of my children - and pretty much if he or his brother are in my yard even I am going to ask them not to be because their mother does not wish them to be in it...

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Does she live close enough that a restraining order to keep him away from you would keep him from being able to visit her :-)

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Oh Maw,

I feel for you...I go through the same thing with my ex and his bimbo. You wouldn't believe (or maybe you would) the scathing emails she has sent me. She has attacked my character, my parenting abilities, EVERYTHING. My ex has fed her with all sorts of sh**** and she spues it out trying to attack me to make it ok for what she has done to me and the kids.


I don't know....I am glad tho I am not in her position. She has to live with the lies they have both made up.

But...the difference is they don't live next door to me...Thank God!!!! I don't know how you do it. Financially, I understand your position--I am kind of in the same boat. But for your own sanity, I would try to do something for you so you don't have to face it any more.

It is really not fair to the kids to be so stuck in the middle because of your ex's selfishness. A move really would make sense because having them next door must be hard on them also.

Hang in there....It is so hard not to start doubting yourself when these things are thrown at you. Keep your chin up and try to keep living by your conscience and what you know is the truth in the situation.

Will be keeping you in my prayers....Best wishes for a much better New Year for you and your kids. Pat


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