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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17 |
Well, it's been a while since I've posted. I've finally gotten up the resolve to separate from alcoholic/drug addict/emotionally/verbally abusive H (who refuses help and is now living with his parents). The PEACE I feel now that he is out of the house is incredible.
My attorney will be filing divorce papers next week. I am in a quandary as to how/when to tell H about it. I know he is absolutely going to go berserk. He believes we need to keep trying, keep trying, I need to just snap out of it and give him another chance.
Does anyone have any suggestions on HOW to tell him? Or IF to tell him (and just let him get served)?
Thanks so much.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4 |
I would imagine that there is no "good" way to tell him that won't end up in a nagative response - which is why he is where he is right now. I would let him just be served with the papers. When he says you need to "keep trying" does he mean you, he or both? He might feel guilty for ruining the marriage, but if he does not get help with his problems then he is the one not trying.
Good luck. I'm glad your house is peaceful now.
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108 |
I think that you need to consider which route will cause the worse reaction from him.
How would he react to just being servered as opposed to being told that he will be?
Does he know that you have hired a lawyer?
What does your Lawyer recomend?
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17 |
Thanks for your responses!
In answer to questions:
When he says "keep trying", he means me. Well, he means that I need to give in and go to marriage counseling with him. No matter that he is not attending AA (or another recovery program) and quit NA after two meetings. On a side note, I have been seeing a therapist on my own for about three months to help me deal with this.
He does not know that I have hired a lawyer. Either situation will not be ideal. He'll flip out either way. He is in some serious denial - saying he was blindsided by this and never saw it coming (the separation).
My lawyer recommends that I have him served. I just have a BAD feeling about this.....
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108
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Member
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 1,108 |
Either way, perhaps you should make sure that you are not around when he finds out. If he already feels blindsided, this is really going to hit him.
Just finding out that you have seen a lawyer would probably make him flip out. Finding out that you saw a lawyer and filed all at the same time, you never know how he is going to react.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782 |
Do you still have love in your heart for this man??
If so, why not write a letter like the Plan B letter. Be sure to include that you are filing for divorce.
Possible this will be a wake up call for him..He will either step up attend those AA meetings and get clean or he will continue on the downward spiral.
If you see him really changing you can always withdraw the divorce petition and maybe recover your marrriage - if that's what you want.
If seeing that your serious isn't enough to get him clean - nothing will and you've made the right choice for you and the kids..
Take Care
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17 |
Therein lies the problem, ITHURTS. I don't love him anymore. I've lived with his lies and addictions for 10 years and it's destroyed all the trust I had in him and I believe it's destroyed the love also. But he is the father of my children, and he is a good father.
I guess I just feel sorry for him, in a way. I know that's my own issue to work through. I know I'm happier when I'm NOT around him.
This is just NOT easy.
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 782 |
Wow - Not loving him any longer makes it tough..you may even be having a little guilt over that part..which makes it harder on you..
I do think you should tell him - you do have children together and you don't want him being so suprised that it pushes him to bing on booze and possibly hurt himself.
When I file I will not be telling my WH..He never told me he was cheating..so I owe him no consideration at this point.My life and the choices I make will be all about ME. Since we don't have children together it will be alot easier for me to divorce.
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Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 17 |
Yes, I did have guilt. I do still have a little. My IC has helped me work through that over the last three months. But he helped me to see that I did not really ever have a PARTNER. STBX was too selfish to be a partner.
I think I will tell him, although finding the words will be hard. I suppose just saying, "I filed for divorce, you will be served next week" would suffice. I guess I'm just dreading his reaction. I don't deal with him well - he's very manipulative. And I'm not quite strong enough yet to be able to sit in front of him and diffuse it. I thought about writing a letter, but thought that would be too impersonal - and chicken.
I guess it's not meant to be easy.
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