hi my wife last week said she wants a divorce. she got married at 17 i was 21 she got preg at 16. we have been married for over 4 years. we dont live together now . my son stays with her and i take him some nights and days off. She says i havent changed but i feel i have. I go to counseling and really realized i needed to grow up and be the man of the house and better husband. She tells me she wants a divorce but wants space before she even thinks about it or acts on it.what is this? I know my wife is really hurt and upset over things that happend in the marriage and feels like she tried all she can do. She said it dosent mean we cant be together someday. any advice ?

Welcome to MB, you came to the right spot. Go get a copy of His Needs / Her Needs and read, as well as everything you can on this site. Read up on Plan A and start doing it pronto. Keep going to counselling and hopefully you won't end up like a lot of us here (including me).

Okay, if I add correctly, you are now 25, your wife is 21 and your son is 4. I'm not sure about advice. I do know that younger couples have different kinds of problems.

One thing I do know is that you should ignore all the people the tell you you got married "too young" and therefore, you are doomed. That is NOT the case.

Exactly how haven't you been grown up? Show her immediately you are taking corrective action. If you were still living the life of a bachelor, your wife probably felt like she was a single parent. I can imagine that she might also feel a tad resentful of having to give up her late teens and early twenties to be a wife and mother. Not that she regrets her decision, just that she did miss out. If you can show her how the future with you will be good for her and that you'll both be young and able to have lots of active fun even when your son is grown, she may have something to hold onto.

On the other hand, I may be completely off base.

One thing to do for sure is read this entire site, not just the forum. Of particular interest will be the section on Emotional Needs and I think there's a letter or two to Dr. Harley about when baby makes three. Read everything, and start Plan A to bring your wife out of withdrawal.

Where are you each living now?

well im 26 she is 22 close. well her dad gave us a really hard time when she got pregnant. I felt really uncomfortable at her house and around him for a long time. But i asked her to get married the day before we found out or even thought she was pregnat. her dad believes in sex before marriage and was tough on us. so i felt like i needed to prove i was good enough for her. Now i realize i needed to be the real me that loves her and is just happy with her. thats why i say i needed to grow up. I didnt cheat on her or go out partying all the time. I stayed with her and my son which i wanted to. she has a tendency to not let go of things and stays mad and shuts people out for a long time and getts her feelings hurt real eaisly. she still is upset with her dad from pregnancy and i see it did affect our relationship. me and him are great with each other now. He believes we can work things out and i really do to and want to do anything for her and my son. when i try to talk to her she dosent listen to me and dosent believe me when i say i am trying. I think this decision to divorce is out of anger but i really dont know. I know her friends at work have a influence on her cause they are all single and have been divorced ect so they are no help. we were young but we both loved each other and wanted to get married not for the pregnancy.we have had our share of problems like money and doing house stuff. but i have always loved my wife i felt heled back for some reason and didnt give her my all. like i said she is looking for changes in me and i have done alot of thinking and want to and feel i have for me, her and my son. she just dosent believe me when i tell her. Is it cause she is just to hurt and mad.

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 07:11 PM: Message edited by: s350sxx ]</small>

we were going to move to a new apt building her dad bought next to their house. so she and my son moved there i stayed at our old apt for a while. i couldnt afford it alone so she and her mom asked if i could stay at my parents house for a short time cause it was only temporary. so i said ok so im at my parents and miserable here and she is at the apt we were both going to live at

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: s350sxx ]</small>

well is been a week and a half since she said she wants to divorce and told me i still needed to change and i needed to back off. so i have and last night she calls me and leaves a message if i can help her with her rent she cant make it this month. what would you do im to confused , from being told im no good to her neededing help

<small>[ January 07, 2005, 04:00 PM: Message edited by: s350sxx ]</small>

I fel your pain! I am 26 and my wife has told me she wants a divorce. She wants her "freedom" and to "have fun again". I too had alot of growing up to do and have made a great deal of progress over the past few months. My wife never even gave me the "I need space" she just left then came to the house on her birthday and asked for a divorce. Only later did I find out about her 2 emotional affairs with other men at her job. I have gone through many ups and downs and totally understand the growing up part. What my wife and your wife do not seem to understand is that the growing up can go slowly or very quickly. They assume that you will continue the slow pace of growth forever and think it will take the rest of their lives for you to get were you need to be. Maybe things like this are different for women? I don't know that but I can say that I am not the same man I was 4 months ago. I do not think there is hope for my marriage (she continues to lie) but yours is far from dead. If she is uncertain about divorce then you can get her back. I do not know your life so I cannot give any direct instructions but try to find ways of proving your new self to her. Find a better paying job or go to school, something like that. I am planning to go into the USAF if the divorce does not kill off my chances of that. I have no children so I really cannot advise you on that part of this but be glad you do not have a house to divide up. She told me I could have it but what do I want it for? I bought it as a home now it has no meaning. Give her the space she wants for now but make sure she knows that you are the father and that the child is your responsibility as well. Do not let her convince you that she will take care of that. Letting her take care of the child alone will only prove to her that you cannot grow up. Hope this helps some. Keep at it and don't give up yet there is still hope for you!

On a lighter note maybe you will notice the same thing I did. If the worst should happen and she does file for divorce you may notice older women start looking pretty good. I don't know about you but I am tired of the "little girl" and want a REAL WOMAN that can understand that nobody is perfect. If you read this maybe you can give an opinion on this. I wonder if this is a common reaction for men of our age? I will watch this thread for a while to see what other think as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

hey sorry about your situation. i think my wife is trying to do the things she missed out on too. but she did say we could get back at sometime and can she wait for me, how long will it take. I agree with you about how they think .i know i have changed in a lot of ways. plus she wants time before she even thinks of or acts on the divorce. kinda strange. wants me to back off so i did. I was like i didnt exsit the she calls and asks me if i can help her with rent and oil bill. only after she told be to back off i dont love her im not a good person. so why ask me to help if im so bad. there are other peolpe she could ask.Its lkie me telling my boss off getting fires then walk in a week later and ask for my job back like nothing happened. we will see what happens over time. I did help her out even though there are good reason i shouldnt have, but good reasons too help her also. i have a gut feeling we will be together at some point but i dont know when but i am going to keep doing my onw thing and not wait for her

Ok, I don’t mean to threadjack… but I can certainly second the notion that older women start looking pretty good after all of this. I am 28 and my ww is 27, however she was 25 when the trouble really started and was raised as an only child till she was 12…. Suffice to say she was a little immature and self centered (well, still is…). Which is NOT to say I was in any way perfect… believe me, I will take on AT LEAST 50 % of the blame for the breakdown of the relationship. But yeah… older and more mature is sure looking nice about now. I even read an article in Men’s Health a couple of month’s ago which stated that when a guy is ready to settle down into a “real” relationship… and older woman is the way to go. Their point was that an older, more experienced woman will be more realistic in what they expect from a relationship. It was a pretty good article.


s350sxx:

I’m sorry for your dilemma, I remember how those early days felt… they seemed to drag on and on with no changes in ww, just this living in limbo day in and day out. It sucked. Hang in there man, it will get easier… and harder in ways. If I were you, having gone thru this and knowing a great deal more now than I did before… I would start the process of securing your parenting time with the kid. You may think things are fine now, you guys are getting along and cooperating ok… but there may come a time when she no longer wants to cooperate with you. This is what happened to me. I went thru the whole separation and divorce process playing nothing but defense, my thought was that if this was what she wanted… then she needed to make the moves, I wasn’t going to do the heavy lifting for “her” divorce. The flaw there was that she didn’t (still doesn’t) have the same standard for fair play and honesty that I was using… i.e.: she wasn’t playing by the same rules. She made herself out to be the victim and me the villain in EVERYTHING… why, don’t you know, it really was my fault that she had an A… go figure!?!?!?

What I’m trying to say is this. If she wants to sit on the fence and take her time deciding what SHE wants… you need to be proactive in protecting yourself... for your kid’s sake. I’m sure she is a wonderful lass… possessing many terrific qualities, I’m not trying to dump on her. I’m just saying that I can almost guarantee you that she will not be using the same rule book as you. Fair is not fair, and there is a terrible double standard in right and wrong. Trust me… just protect your self. Keep things 50-50 as much as possible and don’t allow her to establish a new “norm” with regards to you parenting of the kid.

Oh, by the way… the not wanting contact with you, but then asking you for help… totally cake eating on her part. Don’t put up with it. If she wants separation, fine… then separate… TOTALLY. Do a stellar plan b and let her see what divorce will be like. If she wants to benefit from your financial support, then she needs to make some commitments to the relationship. Don’t play this game with her.

Take care man, and good luck.

hey thanks i totaly agree with you if she wants help she needs to work with me thanks for the help and yes older women do look better to me now