I found out why my XH is taking DS to a new psychologist ... DS told him that I spanked him with a spoon (plastic serving utensil) which I did, ONE day, after months of extreme disrespect and defiance.

I'm not a spanker. Perhaps once a YEAR. I just don't think it does much good. But we all have our weak moments. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm a bit concerned that he is going to press charges for child abuse since I found out this psych he found specializes in evaluations for court.

I was just horrified to talk to DS tonight, after time with dad he is usually aloof and angry but tonight he was really bad about bedtime. Started telling me how I never loved him since he was a baby, and just a lot of garbage. Finally came out that he believes that I am the only one who ever spanked him (brainwashed to believe that dad never did?) and that when his dad hit ME it was because I DESERVED IT. (shudder)

Imagine sending your kids home with someone every week that hates you and wants your kids to hate you too. One that rewrites history and tells awful lies about you. I want sole custody so bad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I know the world is a crazy place anymore, but unless you physically left marks on your child, I would think it would be hard for anyone to prove child abuse and take custody from you. And if it was a one-time instance, even toughter.

While spanking may be frowned upon (and I've done it more than once with my own kids), it's not illegal.

On the other hand, unless you have something substantial on your XH, I also unfortuately doubt you can get sole custody. At least that's how it works here.

LL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong>Started telling me how I never loved him since he was a baby, and just a lot of garbage. Finally came out that he believes that I am the only one who ever spanked him (brainwashed to believe that dad never did?) and that when his dad hit ME it was because I DESERVED IT. (shudder)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(((({{{{hug}}}}))). You know you are not a bad mother. God knows it too. Deep down your kids would realized it too, probably not now.

All that xH did will back fire on him, give it time.

-rh-

buttercup, I would try to talk to the psychiatrist beforehand...NOT to refute anything as you don't want to seem too defensive...but just to get an idea of what you can expect. Consider taking your son to a psychiatrist that you have chosen as well. talk to your lawyer before any of this.

Yeah, it may backfire and pass at SOME time but she needs to try and do something about this now if she can, especially if her x is gearing up for a full-on custody battle.

This sucks..I'm sorry for both you and your son.

XH already took him to the new psych. He told me about it after the fact. SHE won't return my calls.

He refused to take him to his regular psych appointments. DS has been in bi-weekly counseling since starting Strattera for ADHD this fall. I wanted him to go weekly, but XH refused.

I have emailed my divorce atty (she no longer practices, works for a domestic violence org) and asked for advice/referral. I'm just sick about the whole thing.

I wasn't out of control. Angry, yes, but not abusive.

Have you read up on parental alienation? It sounds like what your X is saying.
My X tried the same thing with the kids. On the small occasion where I spanked one, he must have told her that spanking was bad and ordered her to call him if I spanked her. Very odd, and he was never before concerned about it.
I'm sure your X and mine believe they are "building a case" against our parenting.
I know I am the lenient parent, and they know they are safe to let their emotions out in my house. The X's don't get this part - that the kids need an outlet.
Talk to the psyc ahead of time, non defensively because I'm sure he's told the psyc alot about how bad you are.

But as you can see, counseling is definitely necessary for your son.

XH is big into the radical father's rights thing.

Apparently it is only "Parental Alienation" if the mother is doing it to the father. I already sent Friend of the Court six pages of things that XH and XMIL have said and done. No response. I've sent notice that the judgement of divorce has been violated by him dozens of times. No response.

I guess I am just supposed to be happy because he pays a tiny bit of child support and sees his kids. I'd gladly give up CS if he would stay away from them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He is always claiming that I am keeping him from being a part of the kids' lives. He thinks it means I have to be his secretary and procure for him and give to him copies of all the records (school, medical, etc.) he is entitled to, instead of him getting them himself, or I am "violating" his rights. This has been said a lot. He feels I have to ask permission rather than consult him on day-to-day decisions.

He is insufferable.

Are you sure you don't have my X? I provide copies of everything and he still claims he doesnt' get them. Oh well.

And parental alienation works both ways.
Keep taking the high road and the kids will realize who's lying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by xpButtercup:
<strong>I guess I am just supposed to be happy because he pays a tiny bit of child support and sees his kids. I'd gladly give up CS if he would stay away from them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You should offer it to him but physical custody stay the way it is. Kids need both parent Dv'ed or not.

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> SHE won't return my calls.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't waste your time trying to contact her. She cannot discuss anything with you due to Dr/Patient confidentiality laws. In fact, she cannot even confirm that your DS is a patient of hers even though you already know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He refused to take him to his regular psych appointments. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since your XH has not refused him treatment, just provided an alternate DR, I don't think you really have any leg to stand on here. Suggest you try and schedule his appointments for when XH does not have custody.

This whole situatation between you and XH is about power and control. You cannot control XH, only your own situation. You are a good parent and courts rarely overturn custody agreements unless abuse or negligence is present. You have nothing to worry about. You may want to talk to your psych about how to manage your own behaviours in response to XH's controlling tactics. My experience with controlling behaviour has been to ignore it, rather than resist it and fight for control. The more you resist, and attempt to control the outcome of the situation, the more your XH will fight to control. Recognize what you can and cannot control and let go of what you cannot.

As far as you DS's behaviour, this is not uncommon of children this age who experience divorce or separation. It's likely he is projecting his feelings and loss of his family as a result of the divorce. Often young children imagine and desire their parents to get back together and attempt to "help" them do so. As a result they often create situations (by misbehaving), that force their parents to get together.

Hopefully, your Psych has already recognized this, however would suggest you discuss it with them.

Good Luck!

If he were truly concerned that you were abusing your DS he would have taken him to be examined by a medical doctor. If he could document any form of physical trauma to the boy whatsoever, THEN I would be concerned.

I would not suggest attempting to call the psychologist, nor would I counter by taking your DS for an evaluation of your own. This poor kid is caught up in the middle.

Let your XH do his thing. He is spinning his wheels. Continue to discipline your DS as you normally do. If you change your ways, do so because you know you are wrong, not because you are being emotionally blackmailed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Finally came out that he believes that I am the only one who ever spanked him (brainwashed to believe that dad never did?) and that when his dad hit ME it was because I DESERVED IT. (shudder)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yikes! Does your DS now believe that it is okay to hit a girl/woman if HE thinks it is deserved? That is a belief you are going to have to correct in a hurry.

There is a huge diffence IMO, between spanking a child and hitting someone. A child requires guidance and discipline from their parents. An occasional spanking may be well deserved and that is the duty of a parent to decide that.

A H and W may offer leadership to one another but they do not discipline each other.

Your DS needs to understand that when he has a relationship with a girl/woman that he is NOT allowed to hit her or discipline her. No more so than you would be allowed to strike your DSs daddy.

If your XH wants to make note of your spanking, then make note of his educating your
DS when it is appropriate to hit a woman, W, GF, etc.