I just got back from my first visit with a lawyer. While I wouldn't describe the experience as pleasant it went well and I really liked the lawyer. He was very nice and helpful and told me what I needed to do next. I took copies of email between WH and OW. He said we need to have proof of A so he gave me the name of a PI to hire. I guess that is the next step.

I was really feeling low yesterday, but I felt better today. This not a pleasant thing to go through, but I felt like God was sustaining me through the prayers of my friends today. There's just no other way to explain the strength I felt.

I'm praying now that WH will move out of the house when he is served with D papers or maybe even before. My lawyer said his lawyer had probably told him that to stay in the house if he wanted to try to custody of the kids. If we can proof A then I will almost certainly get custody and a decent settlement. Either way I'll be going back to work, which is very disheartening. But I am keeping my head up. Maybe I'll think about a new career.

It is really depressing to know that I spent 20 years of investing in this marriage and now it is disolving.

I don't know where you live, but in most areas of the US, infidelity means nothing with regard to custody, living arrangement or alimony.
If you know there is an affair, why bother hiring a PI?

Is your state fault or no-fault..

Who referred you to this attorney? Was it a good source?

I live in a no-fault state - though, I do have proof and can get more if needed of my WH's multiple affairs - my attorney said - in a no-fault state it is very rare/uncommon to file a "fault divorce".

Are you community property or equitable distribution?

Be careful that the attorney isn't trying to get you to spend unnecessary monies...Did be refer you to a PI?

The attorney was recommended by a very reliable resource whom I trust. I didn't get the idea that he was trying to get more money out of me at all. He even said that he was not the "bulldog" type of lawyer that would go for the throat. Being mean and vindictive didn't really accomplish anything except to cost the client more money.

He said that we needed "clear and ????" can't remember the other word to prove A. That way I will most probably retain custody of the children and a better settlement. Are you guys saying it really doesn't matter? Getting the proof through means of a PI was his suggestion and yes, he recommended a PI. I just got off the phone with him and have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9am.

I'm in SC and it's an equal distribution state - not community property.

WH hasn't moved out of the house and I'm thinking he probably won't because he wants to seek custody. Not sure why? Doesn't he have enough to keep him busy with OW?

It depends on the state whether adultery matters or not. I think SC is a fault state in any case you should listen to your attorney. I think SC is also the state that still allows BS to sue the OP for "Alienation of Affection".

Nope, I asked two different lawyers and "alienation of affection" is no longer an option in SC. And even when it was it was so difficult to prove that it was rarely worthwhile to attempt.

In SC there is no fault D - but it requires a year long separation before D is final. With proof of adultry (or abuse, etc.) the process is much quicker.

Well I wasn't planning to sue WH anyway...But I do want to prove that it is his fault. I can't take a chance that he might get custody of the kids. I'm sure he'll be mad about it, but then maybe he shouldn't have had so many A's! I also need to be in the best possible situation financially when this is all said and done. A decision stating he is at fault almost guarantees I will get the best settlement.

Never thought I'd become an expert a D! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Regarding year long separation - in my state which is no-fault - it is a 2 year wait..BUT,,,,you can still be living w/your spouse --- under the same roof---and the time spent can be deemed as "separated". My attorney said as long as "we" were not playing the part (she used other terms) as husband & wife. I stopped cooking, laundry, going out together, even signed my Xmas card with both of our first and last names I did not put the & sign..

This tactic can be used to benefit either party..I'm sure if I had to product witness to when we stopped "being together" I could do it...

You may want to check to see if your state law and separation is viewed the same way..

You should try and pin the attorney down as to how much proof you need...How much does he personally need to assure you of winning custody..PI's aren't cheap...and sometimes alot of hrs are wasted following them or OP and getting nothing concrete...

If you don't like the PI - ask around - I found a great guy who was a retired state police officer..

Equal or equitable distribution means "fair" - my attorney really wouldn't commit to how much that equates too. For your length of marriage you should have spousal support and naturally child support..

Why would he want custody?

Are you going to hold off filing until your WH finds employement?

Keep us posted on what the PI tells you...Mine said video's are very important if you need to prove adultry..though you don't have proof of what went on "in the room"..These WS find a way out of everything...CYA...CYA...CYA

Just so you know, the courts in many states are no longer giving one parent "custody". Many states are starting with the assumption of equal "parenting time" unless the parties don't want equal, or there are reasons to keep the kids from a parent.
If you are talking about sole custody, I would say that's highly unlikely, so you may want to get that in your mind now.

I'm not planning on sole custody. I know that's not going to happen. WH is a good dad, just a really poor example. But I want to be the custodial parent, not him. He will get normal visitation rights according to the attorney.

I got clarification on what is meant by "Proof" of adultry. It is "opportunity", as in WH says he's going someplace and meets up with OW. If they are together for a set period of time and and have the opportunity then that's considered proof.

As far as the PI goes, I liked him and hired him. It's very expensive but I feel like this is the best way to get the proof I need. He said they use video mostly since that is the best way to get evidence since you don't miss anything. He also said a GPS on WH's vehicle might be helpful if they have trouble getting proof they need in a timely fashion. Hope it doesn't come to that because it is REALLY expensive.

As to why WH might want custody: That's an easy one. He wouldn't have to pay child support. He's without a job right now...probably got fired for this current A. He probably wants to stay in the house, too and whoever get the kids will most likely be allowed to stay in the house. It's mostly financial in my opinion. He does care about his kids, but not enough to quit cheating on their mom.

I just looked up his cell phone records and there are 15 pages of text messages and pictures he's sent to OW. Made me sick to look at them, but I couldn't stop! Most of the messages were I love you or I miss you or suggestive inuendos. He even sent pix of our kids in some of the pix!!! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS MAN! He is SO not the person I married.

PI just called and said they located OW's house, but she's not there. He's trying to find out if she is living alone or with husband. I feel like I'm in a TV show. Wish it was that simple. Then I could just change the channel.

Just so you know, even if STBX isn't employed right now, you can use his prior salary as a base for child support. You have proof from prior paychecks and tax returns of what he is capable of making. And he needs to work to support his kids.

Thanks for the info Newly. The lawyer said the same thing - that CS and Alimony would be based on potential earning and they'd use his last year's salary as a guideline.

He better take care of his kids. That's his only redeeming quality at the moment.