Today's my day w/ the kids. Today is also soccer game for 6 y/o S. WxW is a coach. As I wait for team pics to be taken WxW walks in with OM/Fiancée'. I'm so overwhelmed I need an hour to recover so that I don't disintegrate in front of my children.

WxW only talks once OM is out of sight. Then ends w/ a "I have to take him to the airport" so he can crawl back to his lair.

Question: Is it too much to ask if I tell WxW to simply let me know when I may encounter OM? He is a reminder of unmitigated pain and I should have the right to choose whether or not I want to deal with him. I'm so damned depressed, and angry at myself for letting this diminish me.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

D ,

I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't think it's asking too much to ask ex for OM warning. It's only understandable that it would hurt you and you should not have to deal with that when you have your kids. She should be glad to do anything she can to make sure you are not distracted during your time with them. I am the WS and I was involved with MOW but never lured any away from their husbands. Nevertheless I contributed to tremendous pain, not only in my own family, but in the families of MOW too and their BS. Your pain is a reminder of the destructiveness of my choices. Now I am being rejected/divorced by my wife and while I am not aware of her being involved with anyone, the very thought is crushing. While I think it is fair to give your ex the benefit of the doubt and not attribute sinister motives to her allowing OM to be there, yet the self-absorbtion of those who've make adulterous choices is enough for her to be oblivious to the ongoing pain she allows you to be inflicted with. It's a favor to her to let her know how she can help.

My TBXWW isn't with any of her OMs. Only one of them - OM#2 - lives in my city.

For reasons that are too convoluted to get into, it's possible that OM#2 may become part of her life again (I don't know if they're social now or not), and thereby part of mine, for the same convoluted reason. I have told TBXWW (and OM#2, by letter about a year ago) that all contact between him and me would be best avoided. In my letter, I told him that he should cross to the other side of the street if he sees me. I'm not a physically violent person by nature and I've never been in a fight, but then again I've never felt such visceral hatred before towards another human being. I don't know what my reaction will be if I encounter him, but I'm pretty sure it's best that neither of us find out.

It was your WxW who made the choice to involve OM in your life when she involved him in hers. There's nothing you can do about that. But I'd say you have every right to expect such notification from her. After what she put you through, she'd be a certified b*tch if she didn't at least extend you that courtesy.

Or, if you're feeling up to it, there's always the option of asking her which she prefers: giving you advance notice of such encounters, or continuing to have a relationship with somebody with a massive boot imprint in his face.

I'm not sure if I'm kidding or not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: reservoirdog1 ]</small>

I would say that you have every right to expect her to tell you when the OM will be present. Just as you had every right to expect your wife to be faithful, just as you had every right to expect your wife to leave the OM and work on building a new marriage for the both of you.

You can't control other people.

Obviously, she does not care much about you or how you feel. That is nothing new for you, me or any other BS.

May I suggest the best way to handle this is for you to get some help working through this so the next time you see the OM you can do what is best for you and treat him as he deserves to be treated (with complete indifference, and just a tad bit of comtempt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

dleightonc,

I'm going to have to disagree with almost everyone who posted to you here on this thread (except JustinExplorer). You see, my MB friend, there is a difference between the "what's right and moral" world, and the "real life/what's going to happen" world. In the "what's right and moral" world, for example, you had every right to expect your WW to understand that she had devasted you and come to your side and reassure you. in the "real life/what's going to happen" world though, you tell your WW that she devasted you and she couldn't care less because according to her, you hurt her for years...(or some other WS fog).

Another example: in the "what's right and moral" world, it is reasonable for the WS who continues in the A to lose their home, assets, and custody of their children because the WS is choosing to leave and destroy the family. But in the "real life/what's going to happen" world, most judges do not care if the WS cheated, etc. and often WS's get awarded the home AND kids even though the WS is the one choosing to destroy them!!!

I believe the posters other than JustinExplorer have given you the "what's right and moral" answer. You do have a right to be warned when the OM is going to be there so you can either prepare yourself, avoid it, avoid him, or whatever. HOWEVER... in the "real life/what's going to happen" world, your WW could not care less if it "bothers" you to be in the presence of the OM. If your WW cared about your feelings or what was happening to you, she would not have left in the first place!! In addition, you can not control her or change her, and so even if you do ASK her to notify you, she may choose to ignore you...and there's not one thing you can do about it.

Thus, speaking as a person who is now divorced about 1 1/2 years, and my WH was involved with his OW until just recently, let me speak to you about "real life/what's going to happen". In real life, you are going to be running into the OM at your kids' events because the kids are also your WW's and he is involved with her. (I don't honestly believe it will last, but that's neither here nor there right now). Soooo...your best option is going to be to work through this and get to a place where you can see the OM and not have a Post Traumatic reaction.

Here's what I did. I purposely got to know the OW a little. I did not avoid her and let her mere presence affect my whereabouts and decisions...because that would mean that SHE won! I came to see her as a human--a deeply FLAWED human, but a human nonetheless. My goal was to be able to get to a place where I could thank God for her. Yep...you read that right!! God tells us "In everything give thanks..." and I took that literally!! Eventually, when the day came that I could thank God for my OW, that was the day when her presence no longer bothered me. I mean...there's always a little bit of a twinge...but she is not a monster nor do I need to avoid her. I could sit right next to her and speak to her!

Dleightonc, I know that sounds just IMPOSSIBLE, but I am living proof that it can happen. Come from a place of LOVE (for yourself), not fear.

(((((HUGZ))))) and encouragement!!


FNCJ

I have a veritable cavalcade of sh#@@y deals in my life now. Am I supposed to accept them all? My job is setting me up (I was actually TOLD this by a sympathetic administrator) my WxW could care less about flaunting her trigger-laden R in front of me. It all feels so raw. What then, can I do? My IC says ‘you can’t fight the system’, others say WxW doesn’t care. It’s everyone for his/herself, etc. The only way I can cope in these environments is to be numb. How am I supposed to parent my kids or run a department that way?

I need some kind of break in this.

dleightonc,

I have no great words of wisdom. This sucks and hurts like nothing you will ever experience in your lifetime. I know this is SOOOOO HARD, but you are a good man, d, and you will survive. I know it sounds crazy, but you'll not only survive, but one day...thrive.

I know this hurts so. I'm sorry. (((HUGZ)) for encouragement.


FNCJ

Thanks. Today is my oldest son's 6th birthday. As I sit and write this I wonder how the woman who prayed with me and asked me to protect her while she was in labor 6 years ago, who was praying for a fresh start in 2004 could become so indifferent to our family.

It is as if the love expressed and the home we built was a dream, from which I've been rudely awakened. My mind knows things must improve, but my heart is shattered, just shattered. I post here b/c I need to hear that it will get better. So thank you for propping me up. I surely need it today.

Speaking purely for myself, once I discovered the A and was able to eat again (and stop crying), the thing that was absolutely the hardest, most painful thing to let go of was that "dream". I put my whole entire heart and self into my M, and what I thought was my stable family...and it turned out to all be built on SAND. So, yep, letting go of that illusion of a lifetime love relationship is the hardest.

Honestly, d, I'm sure your job thing bites but in your head you knew you would change jobs over the course of your lifetime. My GUESS would be that if the job crisis had occurred in the confines of a secure M, that it wouldn't feel like such a crisis! But without the foundation security of that illusion ... it sure feels like you're living on a jello foundation and you're in the sun, doesn't it??

dleightonc, 6 years ago a miracle happened to you...an angel incarnated and entered your life. And at this time, it is really important to recognize that and celebrate what a blessing that child has been in your life. That will help a WHOLE LOT--remembering the joy and blessing that you have had the priviledge of receiving because you have a dearly beloved son. No matter what may happen in your life, your SON will always be your earthbound angel (until he hits his teens anyway, and then the angel sprouts little devil horns for a few years--heehee).

It really, honestly DOES get better. I'm not just encouraging you either. It took me THREE YEARS to finally get to the "it's getting better" part, but I got there! You will too!!


FNCJ