My WH just got back into town. He was out of town to take a class. He was in a very foul mood and griped about everything from the mess in the floor on the computer room to the boxes of x-mas stuff in the garage where he usually parks. Never mind that I packed up all the xmas stuff and carried all the boxes out myself, including the 7.5 foot tree. He's making me so mad I want to confront him immediately!!! But I can't because I need proof from PI of his A's. I must remain calm, but it's so hard. He wasn't home hardly an hour before he had to go out to the cleaners!!! to take his shirts because they smelled of smoke. There must have been a really long line since it took over an hour to get that task done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

This is so hard to stand by while he meets with OW and calls and talks to her RIGHT HERE. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold out, especially when he's ugly to me. The previous A's he's had he told me about after the fact. This is the first time I've discovered on myself so this is foreign territory I'm walking in.

Pray for my strenghth and that the PI will get needed proof quickly.

Wow, I will pray for you SS. I know what a little of that is like. (read my reply in "Help. How do I get my mind unstuck?")
When my husb. g/f called him at the house when he was here for visitation with our baby he walks outside with the phone. By his sticky sweet tone I knew it was her. He never talks like that normally. He tried to tell me it was someone from work so I called Sue at work and she said it hadn't been her. So he admits it when I confront him on the lie AND IS MAD THAT I CALLED TO SEE IF HE WAS LYING! Ok, he's mad at ME for proving HE was lying??? How twisted is that?

I feel for you SS and promise I will pray....

Thanks Tess...I need all the help I can get in this area! WS is still out walking and of course talking on the phone to OW. He thinks I'm clueless. My one small pleasure in this is that I KNOW everything that is going on. I didn't realize it would be so hard to stand by and watch it though. If it wasn't for the fact that I want to make sure I get custody of kids I'd confront him immediately and kick his butt out. I must bide my time for a while longer, though. Thanks for the encouragement.

Don't you think you'd get custody anyways? I always thought the courts usually favored the woman in custody situations, especially ones where the guy is being a PIG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Still Shocked,

You are doing the right thing. Please hang in there.

My nightmare began 9/11/03, filed 10/10/03 and divorce trial just keeps dragging on because WH is denying everything and he knows about some of my evidence. True to his lying form, he explains away everything.

PI is good to use
Are you keeping a journal (daily log of activities and things you notice?) That will come in handy if it goes to trial. A good way to do this is using your computer. Outlook has a notes section that you can create "memos to file". They are date stamped and pretty weighty in court

All phone conversations that you are a part of can be taped. For example, if you contact OW at some point, be sure you have a recorder (it is worth the $100 to Radio Shack - I'm talking about a Voice Activated Audio Cassette Recorder -
keep recordings of any voicemails or conversations that you know are lies, but the PI records same time that he is in another location.

If you WH uses the home computer, go to Family Key Logger and purchase for $29 the download that logs all keystrokes that are done on the computer. YOu will be able to see any e-mail that he typed or what web sites he is going on. All this info might be helpful in providing to the PI so that it is not so expensive

It is also important that you have your attorney lined up and make a list of ALL your wants - a wish list really - be prepared to act swiftly once you have enough evidence. The quicker you act, the less time they have to respond.

Good Luck to you!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck to you. It must be so difficult. Hopefully the evidence will come soon.

SS, I take it you don't live in a no fault state? You need proof? In MI it doesn't matter if my cheatin wife is cheatin'.

Hopefully you will get your proof soon so it doesn't cost you any more than you have to spend.

There is a free keylogger you can download here

Good luck

This is not a no-fault state. The lawyer said we needed proof so that I would be the custodial parent. He figures WH is staying in the house now instead of leaving to be with OW because he wants custody of the kids. Most likely whoever get custody will get to stay in the house. If it's not me I don't have anywhere to go and I don't have a job either! Of course WH doesn't want to have to pay child support either. It doesn't make much difference on the settlement as a 50/50 split is pretty standard. I just don't want the kids living with him and I can't take a chance he might get them. If I prove infidelity I will have no problem.

The PI is hired and working. I hvae a lawyer that I will hire immediately upon getting the evidence. Then things will move very quick! I can't imagine how WH will respond. Anyone have any experience here?

Well, good luck to you. I hope you get your proof soon.

SS You gotta keep your cool..I know it is soooo hard when you know what they are up to..When you know who they are talking to..It just eats you up inside..it's living a life of constant terror, anger, humility, and disgust.

I've been living like this for to darn long myself..But, if you need that proof - you gotta hold back..When I was first uncovering WH A's..I kept holding alot in then I'd have a couple of drinks and spill too many of the beans of what I knew..all that did was have him hide his tramps better.

Come on this board and vent, call a friend, whatever but don't confront or give him any clues as to what you are up to or what you know..

Hey, it could be worse you could employee the tramp like I do and pay her for stabbing you in the back...Yet, I have to stay quiet the day of reckoning will come..I just have to be patient. And if she wins - what did she win - a lier, cheat, sex addict, he will do the same to her..she's no more special than I ever was to him..

Hold on girl..you'll make it..

Ithurst,

Thanks for the encouragement. I really need it! Now that WH has no job he is home all the time. He makes me nervous. I wish I had a job to go to just so I could get away from him and out of the house. I am trying to be strong, but this is really the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

When does your WH get out to see his OW?

Do you know if she's married?

I know it is so difficult to hold everything in - I think alot of the difficulty comes from FEAR..We are afraid of the unknown, afraid of what we will uncover and what will happen when we confront them.

I've lived w/fear of my WH for a long time, we both have soooo much to lose in a divorce. He will still own our business so he has a huge earning potential for the rest of his and his childrens life..I'll be at Walmart for $5.00 an hour..That scares the crap out of me..I'm spoiled, I spend money like water, high maintenace, how will I survive financially w/o him and our business?? Do you think after 6 years of working when I want, I really look forward to punching a clock somewhere??? Especially, when I know he's living the luxury life..It sickens me since nothing I did solely on my own caused this entire mess.

BUT - I must be strong - I must hide my fear and you need to do that too..Get out of the house for a few hrs. - go to the library, shopping, whatever, you need your space w/o him.. Luckily, I have a horse so I run to the barn almost daily and that gets me away from him and the hatred I'm starting to feel towards him. I am getting my ducks lined up - I'm going to see someone about will empower me..I am going to seek another attorney - I think mine is fine - but, I want to be sure I have a shark.

I wish you inner strength - be patient it will come - mine took awhile but I am way stronger than I was 6 months ago. As one attorney told me - knowledge is strength...it is the power that you will have over him...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillShocked:
<strong> Ithurst,

Thanks for the encouragement. I really need it! Now that WH has no job he is home all the time. He makes me nervous. I wish I had a job to go to just so I could get away from him and out of the house. I am trying to be strong, but this is really the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh honey, I didn't realize the guy was home all the time. My gosh, I'd constantly be questioning him about where he was/ with whom etc. Man, I'm glad God is giving you the grace not to poison his oatmeal or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Seriously, get the heck out of the house. Go for coffee with a girlfriend, grocery shop, whatever.
I'll be praying for you again today. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Advice from a woman who did not use her PI info wisely...when you get the info you need about the affair, drop the divorce down like a bomb.

I waited, did the MB and plan a waaaay too long. I let him know that I knew what he was up to, had proof, and he literally spent six months trying to drive me insane.

And yes, he immediatley began hiding monies, doing all he could do while pretending he didn't know what he wanted to do with our marriage.

I know this may be anti MB philosophy here, but if it sounds like it's already about who is going to be custodial parent, who gets this, who gets what, and he's living there because his attny says to, it's time go get the proof and file asap..come down on him hard and without warning.

If I had done that, I'd be much better off financially and would have saved myself many more tears and time to get on with my new life.

ITHURTS: WH goes out whenever he feels the need...when he's running errands for example. OW is either married or separated because there is a man living at her house and her email address printed out with a her and a guy's name and one common last name.

TREE: Loved the poison oatmeal comment. Thanks for the laugh. I'm trying to be nice so as not to arrouse his curiosity.

PEACHY: Thanks for the advice about the PI. I have doubted the wisdom of hiring him recently. It feels deceitful. But why do feel guilty for looking for the truth?
By the way, did you go to NYC yet? Been there before and had a wonderful time.

SS - Is it a rental unit that OW and a man live at? If it's residential you can check out who owns the house..On the web - type in the county then type assesments. It will ask for the address then it will give the homeowners name...

My WH told me one of his MOW was single - he was trying to keep me from confronting her BS. Well, I checked the assesment records and both her and her BS were listed. Also, my PI had driven by and confirmed a man was there..So it was yet another lie that OW was in fact M...

So far, all of the 5-6 OW were M....Knowing this tidbit - I shake my head at what in the heck is wrong w/all these women - what they are doing is demoralizing us as a group...

If you have to hire a PI - don't feel too guilty..You deserve to know the truth..Put the shoe on the other foot..bet, your spouse would have you followed..When I confronted WH w/phone numbers/name he told me "It is none of your business"...The absolute gull of these WS cracks me up..None of my business, I do the cooking, cleaning, everything for you and "they" get the SF..attention, etc..PLEASE...

Do what you have to do to protect yourself - including your self-dignity...

ITHURTS - unbelievable, my WH told me the same thing!

Everytime I found a tidbit of info. proving that he and she were an item - (the fact that he moved out of our home & in with her was a clue <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) he would tell me that once he left our house HIS PERSONAL LIFE WAS NONE OF MY BUSINESS!

I had just given birth to his son 3 wks before he stays out for 24hrs and it's NONE OF MY BUSINESS?

Geeze, they're not too original are they?

ITHURTS: I'm letting the PI handle that stuff. He confirmed the address and that she did not work with WS. I think she is related to someone up there or is really good friends with them at the very least. I think they probably met at some bank function - I'm guessing that I wasn't invited...not shock there.

WS is out of town again - family emergency. I'm also going out of town. He'll be back before me so maybe PI will get some needed information. I just hope it doens't drag out too long. I'm not sure I can take it! If he was at work each day at least I'd get a break from him. I guess I'll be running lots of errands for the next little while.

I guess the best explanation of their lies is the FOG. There's just no other reasonable explanation.