And here's a fear: What if he's never abusive to her? What if it's just really that he for most of our marriage didn't love ME? He makes it sound like he never realized how good things could be until he was with HER. What if that's true for him?

I mean he never spent time with me - but had his work hrs. changed to spend it with her. What if he really feels that SHE is what he really needs and I never was?

If he has been abusive to you, why does it matter how he is with her, as long as he's not abusing you anymore?
His mistreatment of you, was not caused by you. You bear no burden of responsibility for his bad behavior. It's hard to do, but maybe you should just let it go -- give yourself a rest from worrying about "what if's" involving him, and focus on making YOU the best, happiest person you can be.

Oh, how I wish I could! I hate being this desparately hooked to him, but I did just give birth to his child 4 mos ago. And he's the one who cheated not me. I so wish that if he truly will never come back that he is no longer in my heart, but I don't know how to make that happen. Trying not to think about it doesn't help. I just about broke down in the store when I passed the eisle containing valentines candy and cards etc. I can't stand that he would be getting those things for HER!

I'm sorry. The what-if game is a no win. Even if he is prince charming with her, he wasn't with you and would never be with you. The what-if dream/fantasy has to be let go. Hard, yes.

Take it day by day and focus on yourself. Pick yourself up some valentine candy if that's what you want. Plan your schedule so you are not alone on days you know have triggers. Eat right, exercise, and enjoy that little baby.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liliane:
<strong> If he has been abusive to you, why does it matter how he is with her, as long as he's not abusing you anymore?
His mistreatment of you, was not caused by you. You bear no burden of responsibility for his bad behavior. It's hard to do, but maybe you should just let it go -- give yourself a rest from worrying about "what if's" involving him, and focus on making YOU the best, happiest person you can be. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with this. Now after reading this and your other post Tess, I think you need to run away from your WH. You will find another man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. If your WH was abusive to you, no doubt he will be to her in due time.

I know you guys are right. I had put so much of myself into him that when he left I fell apart. It's like he was my identity in a way. I was getting or trying to get a lot of self esteem from being his wife. I know I need to find who I am without him, it's just so stinkin' hard.

Not to mention sometimes I resent them so much for doing this to me. I think the affair has been going on for at least a year and a half. (That's before I became pregnant obviously.) Once she learned I was preg. she should've broke it off but noooooo.

Grrr.

Ok, I forgive them, I forgive them.

Don't worry about forgiving anyone.

Just let it go, and live for your own future.

Tess,

Don't let your WH get you down. Unless he gets help with his abusive problems he will most likely be abusive again. It's NOT YOU! HE is the one the problem. You did nothing to deserve his abuse. Remember that his new relationship will not work. In time it will deteriorate. A relationship based on lies can't ever work.

By the way I went to the website and looked at the hussie. She's not at all attractive and needs to go on a diet! She's a fool!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by StillShocked:
<strong>

By the way I went to the website and looked at the hussie. She's not at all attractive and needs to go on a diet! She's a fool! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">haha <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> HAHAHA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> HAHAH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> HAHAHA <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok, I told ya didn't I? I'm not trying to be mean but my gosh!

I told my husband after I saw her, "Geeze, if you were gonna trade me in you could've at least traded up!"

(p.s. my husband was the one in the multi-colored shirt)

heheh You made my day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Yeah, I think I'm starting to realize he really has a problem. We've been emailing back and forth and he's denying TO ME that he was mean, abusive, selfish, hid money, etc.

UNBELIEVABLE.
The only thing I can think of is that he's planning on printing the emails off for his lawyer.

He said he wasn't mean. I replied "NO COMPASSION. & I HOPE YOUR LABOR IS HELL BECAUSE YOU WERE STUPID AND FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR PILL." isn't mean? You have a funny idea of what kindness is.

Then to his "I didn't hide money." I replied When you take a 1500.00 check and put 500 into your secret bank account and give me the left over for expenses and your credit card debt payments, that's hiding money. You certainly didn't tell me you were going to stash all of that into your secret account.

I can't believe that he would actually start to believe his own lies.

OH! Then he says " The doctors and nurses said you wouldn't actually give birth until the next day and We agreed the best thing was for me to not break the contract [with the bar]."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

um, NOOOOO !!

First of all no one had any idea how long my labor was going to be. I could've given birth a couple hours after he left. He had NO IDEA IT WOULD BE 15HRS.

I'd like to meet the man that can tell you exactly when you're going to give birth before you do. (eyeroll)

And yeah, right, Go ahead honey. I'll bear through these contractions by myself with your overbearing mother and sister over me. I think it's best that you leave me and go to THE BAR!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> YEAH.