I was married for 6 years, the latter 2 I ingnored my XW, if not completely. She responded by having an affair, moving back home (a couple time zones away), and having a "one last" rendevous with him out-of-state, which she claimed was a vacation, before coming back to me 5 months later. Her idea was that I'd miss her and find out what I'd missed - she did it out of "love". So anyway, when I found out about her vacation (thru bank records) I wanted a divorce. We were separated for a year for the divorce and and have been divorced since 2001.

Fast forward 4 years: I leave a GF to be with kids that lived 4-days drive away, XW and I end up getting back in touch trying to mend things, but it doesn't work out - she's way too angry about the D and afterwards.

Up until the last year or so I didn't think about it, so never took responsibility of my actions. Now, I take responsibility in ignoring her and agree I really messed that up - I've told her this. She blames her financial hardships since the divorce, on me, I wanted the divorce. It was my fault she had the affair cuz I ignored her..and had she not had an affair we wouldn't be divorced. I think she's insane since there are other things she could have done. Most importantly, I would never have filed had she not taken that vacation, that was the line I drew to end things.

So am I wrong in feeling she shouldn't be angry at me for her financial hardships and her having an affair?? (mind you she "had" to creatively finance herself - which is also my fault)

Another problem area. We have 3 kids, joint custody, and she's got physical custody. For the last 4 years, I paid my CS and had visitation every other weekend and alternating holidays..that was it unless one of the kids were giving her behaviour problems. At what point is it appropriate to draw the line at what my responsibility to the kids are as a divorced parent as opposed to hers.

Would it be considered my parental responsibility to pick the kids up after school and daycare, until she gets off work?

Or, Yesterday, she wanted to go out with her sister, and asked me to watch them for her. I said no, I had plans already. Than she goes berserk saying they are my kids too and its my responsibility to watch them as their father.

If I say no to anything she goes into hyper-B mode and freaks out that its my parental responsibility.

I'm not trying to be an [censored] here but if we're not together than its unreasonable for her to ask of me, some things. Sometimes she wants the kind of support and help with the kids that could be accomplished if we were together. Like she's complained I didn't help clean up the house before and after thier birthdays, watch them when she wants me to, or help her financially (which, mind you, she doesn't want if I report that to the state to bring my arears down - she claims it'll affect her negatively and the state will take money away from her) BTW- she only calls me when she wants/needs something of me.

Am I wrong feeling she's asking too much of me. It pisses her off that if we were together I wouldn't have any issues with these "requests".

We tried doing things together, tried to mend our history, it didn't work..she wants no part of me in her personal life now - and I'm getting over that - so its not like I can nor want to hang out her house and help raise the kids.

One last thing and thanks for hanging in there. I suggested counseling to work our differences out..she doesn't listen to what I have to say so I figured she would listen to a professional...what type of counselor would be appropriate?

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: justinlb28 ]</small>

Ok, first of all, she CHOSE to have an affair. If you were not the husband you should have been, well there are other ways to go about dealig with that. She could have told you she was unhappy, or said she wanted a divorce. She didn't have to go out and cheat on you. As far as what happened after your divorce financially that is her responsibility, how can you be responsible for her actions?

If you were not scheduled to have the kids and at the last minute she springs them on you I don't think you are at fault for not taking them. It's one thing if you deny them when you are scheduled to have them but if they are sprung on you at the last minute....

justinlb28
MHO--- if this were me, i would be dropping my plans- to see, spend time with, or watch my children. ALthough, i can't consider it watching my children, they are my responsibility.

They are the ones who 'pay' the price-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So am I wrong in feeling she shouldn't be angry at me for her financial hardships and her having an affair??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you're feelings are neither right or wrong,, they're your felings. Out of curiousity- can you accept her feelings-? regards to how she feels with this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At what point is it appropriate to draw the line at what my responsibility to the kids are as a divorced parent as opposed to hers.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you saying you'd rather be a part time dad? Are you going to be willing to accept- if and or when your children decide to have a part time dad?

What are the consquences? WHat will be the consguences, even years down the road? Just soemthing to think about--

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Would it be considered my parental responsibility to pick the kids up after school and daycare, until she gets off work?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">point blank,, in my opinion- yes. Besides, what would it hurt? thinking about the negatibves/positives,, and al that should really honestly matter, are those children. The both of you are and always will be the co-parents-right? right.

the way i look and feel towards my children, i could never consider or classify me 'watching' my children in that aspect,, they're my responsibility,, to raise them, and 'take care' of them.

i'm no professional, just another single dad, who actually cares more for the children,,,, and what they need and want.

I wish you the best,, and "it's never too late."

Are you wanting to do the 'right' thing? Be there for your children, you don't need to be there for your X, if that's how you choose---they're 'your' children.

WHat are you teaching and saying to them? Is it possible that you could be an inspiration- for them?

stephan

<small>[ January 09, 2005, 07:06 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

I once called my brother and he was home with his kids while his wife was out doing something. I teased "oh, you're babysitting tonite!". His reply was "no, I'm parenting my children."

I've never forgotten that.....parenting is the responsibility of both parents, whether you are married or not. Whoever is available should pick them up from school, go to their programs, take them to parties, change their diapers, etc.

Imagine how they will feel to hear you arguing "it's not MY turn to take care of little jimmy tonite".

I posted to get a better idea of where my 'thinking' was in relation to similar situations.

Am I any better than her? It first occured to me this was the 'norm' or what have you, but I was looking for a little more specific info. Thanks

Stephan & annasnewlife: wow - honestly my first reaction was thinking 'you're just gonna get so used', however, I'm trying to see this in another light, to analyze how I percieve things, and if I need to change how I think. And you both make sense. I've been focusing on what she does and how it affects me.

But I think I see where my train of thought comes from. Since the divorce, I lived quite a distance (3 hours drive one-way) from the kids and it necessitated schedules so I'd gotten used to every other weekend, etc...Now that I've moved closer (within 15 minutes) she calls me all the time because she wants to go out, has this or that to do, etc. So it started feeling like I was a convenience to her when she wanted to leave. And my biggest pet peeve was being used.

In posting, I wasn't going for the part-time dad role and the 'responsibility' or lack thereof - its more like I want to be there for the children, but not be there for my X. I have a hard time 'visualizing' how its possible.

Because as much as I enjoy being in their company and being there for them, I think there's a point at which my being a parent can be abused by the X - and this is what I wanted to avoid. Her taking advantage of this. Is this just not possible? Or does it become "if she abuses my responsibilities than she gets away with it, so what, because I'm being a parent?"

As for everything else, if she needs money for food, gas, or what have you, that directly or indirectly affects the kids, I've changed my thinking there.

I used to be, "well i've paid my CS and thats that." I saw it as she's getting CS and extra cash from me (unaccounted for) and going out having fun with the money she makes. It was very difficult to overcome because she was always going out to bars, etc and than turns around and asks me for money.

One last thing about:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So am I wrong in feeling she shouldn't be angry at me for her financial hardships and her having an affair??

you're feelings are neither right or wrong,, they're your felings. Out of curiousity- can you accept her feelings-? regards to how she feels with this? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I've not considered what you said..it hasn't occured to me to think about her feelings in this regard, much less accept them. Its not so much as the financial hardship, but her blaming me for her having an affair, thus leading to financial hardship, which I am also at fault. This I can't and don't accept 100% fault. I just think she should 'get over it' by now...it shouldn't be relevant anymore...should it???

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 01:38 AM: Message edited by: justinlb28 ]</small>