Has anyone on this board been to Al-anon? My counselor and a couple of other MBers have suggested that I get involved, as both my parents are "night-time" alcoholics, and it is very possible that my STBXH is developing (if he doesn't already have) a problem.

I looked up the website, and there were tons of different codes and such - speaker meetings, step speaker meetings, women's stag group, mens group, etc - I would assume I start out with the "Newcomers meeting?" Can you tell me what some of the topics address? Is it like a discussion group? What is the committment involved? I am currently in a 2Xweek counseling group, and have a variable schedule since I work in a hospital.....Just wondering if I should start now or after I end my counseling.

Any help would be appreciated, and thank you!

I responded on the EN list.

I have been involved with Alanon and I learned alot. My family of orgin and many other of my relatives were all alcoholics. I also married a man who is an alcohol abuser and all his relatives are too.

Alanon is a support group that helps you look at yourself, your shortcomings and how you react to the world around you that might be making your life unmanageable. It uses the twelve steps. It does not show you how to stop the drinkers from drinking. There is wisdom, support, friendship, and the most important thing---understanding. The committment level is whatever level you want. There is no pressure there. and if you feel pressure, stop going to that particular meeting and find another one (there are usually one each night of the week). Some topics are detachment, controlling, hope, martyrdom, and many more. Alcoholism is a family disease and everyone that has close contact with an alcoholic is severely effected in many ways by the manipulative, addictive thinking of the addict.

Alanon is a self-awareness program, not religious but spiritual. Try it, it might be for you. It helped me alot.

TW

I didn't like the meetings in my area, so I found more information on my own.

Given your FOO, you are likely an ACOA (adult children of alcoholics), which affects your life choices (as in choosing an alcoholic).
Me too, although mine rarely drank early on.

I found alot of help in the Codependency No More series of books by Melodie Beatty, and in other books on Codependency. They really enlightened me to the Enabling behavior I exhibited in my M.

I've come to believe that if we don't fix our mistakes early on, they'll repeat. My FOO didn't believe in Alanon and ignored the alcohol related problems. Sadly, I repeated that behavior. The divorce gave me the chance to learn what I had done in choosing a certain personality, and in accepting the emotional abuse for so long. My hope is that through growth, I won't repeat these mistakes, and I won't subject my children to a codependent household.

So, try Alanon and see if it helps. If not, there are other resources to help.

L.I.T, I'm probably one of the ones who's recommended Al-Anon in the past. As others have said, it's a support group. There is a secretary who runs each meeting - usually a six-month commitment. The meetings usually start with readings from Al-Anon literature and maybe the Serenity Prayer, followed by announcements and then a topic such as those listed by tossedwave. The secretary or topic chair (if a person has volunteered to lead the meeting and chose the topic) calls on people who may read from the literature and then talk about the topic from their own experience. There is no "cross talk," meaning no one will comment on what you said, criticize, or give advice, but they may respond with their own experience, strength and hope (gleaned from application of the program principles to a similar problem in their own lives).

You don't have to "join" and make a commitment. You attend when and where you want. There are no dues, but they do pass the basket for contributions - a dollar or two - to pay the rent, buy literature, etc.

It's recommended that you attend at least six meetings before deciding you don't like it. Many people attend with the idea of finding answers for their relatives' alcoholism and are initially uncomfortable with the program's focus on their own use of the 12 steps to change their own behavior. But, in that sense, it echos MB - we can only change our own behavior and that's where we put our focus.

I had gone to Al-Anon off and on for MANY years throughout my H's early drinking years, always looking for a quick fix. I stayed on the periphery and never got involved. It was helpful on that level at the time, but, I've found that the more I become involved, the more it helps me. Getting involved means chairing a meeting, making coffee, buying and putting out literature, etc.

Codependent No More is great, but the group support brings us out of the isolation that tends to perpetuate the problem. Anonymity is strictly protected. It's funny when you've known someone in Al-Anon for years and meet them outside of a meeting or with friends and realize you only know their first name!

Al-Anon is great. It really helped me thru the roughest days of my alcoholic marriage and divorce.

It is not for everyone, but dont just try one group either. Since they are made of individuals, each individual group will be different. I tried 2 different groups that I didnt particularly care for, the third group fit like a glove. Lets Try suggested 6 meetings which is a good idea

I wish I could get my kids to go, I think it would help them imensely.

A newcomers nite is definately for you. You will move on to other meetings as you are ready.

There is no reason why you cant go to counseling and Al-Anon at the same time. Yourt counselor would probably approve

Smiles,
Dawn

Hi LIT! Don't know where you're from, but my Mother-In-Law was a faithful member of AA for 35 years until she died this past Summer. She went to the Meetings in North Sacramento. When we visited her before she died, we also went to a few of her meetings - the folks there were poor in material things, but they more than made up for it with BIG Hearts and actually caring. A better bunch of folks you would not find anywhere. They were so helpful when we were closing out her Estate as well. Do visit AA - don't wait for your Counseling to end - they will help anyone who comes through their doors.
God bless you.
Harold

Thank you all so very much for your replies. Between the 3 boards where this was posted, I received a LOT of great feedback! I had no idea this disease affected so many people.....

I have realized that I could probably benefit, as my father is a controlling-type alcoholic, and my mother is a subservient-type alcoholic. Those are the exact roles my H and I fell into when alcohol became such a huge part of our social lives. Coincidence? I think not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I have long had a codependency problem - since I was very young, and identified it before college. I was fairly strong until I believed my H to have had an A when we were engaged. I now have learned that I need to consistently monitor myself on that front, and never let my guard down.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've come to believe that if we don't fix our mistakes early on, they'll repeat. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I could not agree more, and realize that the pattern I fell into in my M might have been a repeat of my previous relationship. It saddens me to know that. Yet all I can do is to work hard not to repeat them again.

Thank you tossed, newly, LetSTry and Lord. I am going to go ahead and try it. And I will also read some of the literature suggested. Thanks again!