Hi I found out last Monday that my WH had a girlfriend. He moved out last May. I thought it was so he could have some space to get his mental health worked out and then we were going to start working to improve our marriage through counseling- there was no doubt things could go on the same way we had been through mostly really stressful times. Well I guess he met her the next weekend and started lying and going to see her 2 states away every weekend. The kicker- he even has taken 3 of our 4 children to her house during this time! I guess I was in deep denial. Anyway from what I'm reading everything has been pretty textbook- him doing insanely crazy things without regard to the kids health (the visits,)him not visiting them, still having relations with me (and the health risk that puts our baby I'm breastfeeding in).
I was willing to work on our marriage because I think my kids deserve better- but only if we could truly change our interactions to a loving marriage. Well he isn't willing to work on things has filed for divorce and moved to live with her in the other state this weekend.
In the mean time I feel like I'm having a crash course in how to have unanesthatized surgery. I am waiting for some meds to kick in so I can feel like I am at least being halfway ok to take care of the kids- but the not sleeping and eating thing is getting to me.

I of course have been all over the radar and done exactly everything i'm not supposed to with my interactions with him- ie yell a lot, guilt about what he has missed and will miss with the kids.

I'm going to my counselor again in the morning to see what he says about by role in the divorce, and then to my lawyer.
I am pretty sure, I just need to cut contact with him. Does anyone have tips on how I can stay on topic with him when we are discussing child support stuff? I will probably contest the divorce anyway b/c He won't discuss any type of alimony with me even though he is willing to look at his child support more based on their needs than a percentage of his income. Our state doesn't really have alimony, but it is sometimes granted in situations like this. I also am wondering if I need to push this out a little so I can keep my health care coverage till i figure out something else- not a major consideration if it stops us from moving on, but I don't know that I'm quiet up to par with just giving in because he wants to. I do have the secret hope that his life destablizes quickly so he can really feel and digest all he has given up, but I digress.

In the meantime, do you think it is ok if I use my support network to help me though this as far as -when I want to call him (cuz I miss him or b/c I'm angry) have my friends lined up to call instead so I can divert my attention? I don't want to take advantage of them, but they all want to help me and I would spread it around so I don't overburden one person. My friends I asked about this are willing.
I already pray a lot about it.
I'm starting classes tomorrow so I can finish my degree. I also am joining the gym - I think the exercise would make me feel better. I'm stepping down and altering some volunteer committments I have to fit in better with my kids schedules.
Thanks

Kath
married 8 years separated last 7 months
STBX PA 6.5 months
4 kids 7,6,3,1

Hi Kath,
I"m very sorry you have found yourself here, but there are lots of people who can help you and offer advice. I'm not sure I"m really one of them, but I can let you know that you're not alone, and that believe it or not, there will be a day when you don't cry, and then a week, and so on.

I understand the sleep thing, especially with small kids, and I wish I could offer more help there. I have not slept more than 4 hours a night in a year, and things are not getting any better for me. My dr is concerned, but nothing he's given me has worked so far. I hope you have better luck.

I would have been even more of a basket case than I already was had it not been for my friends. I had to up my cell phone plan after two months of over the top phone calls to friends. One friend came over the day my H told me he didn't love me anymore and sat the entire day with me, and another friend came the day my H filed for divorce and basically took care of my kids and me for the entire day, as I literally could not function.

If they offer to help, and you need it, TAKE IT! I had 3 friends I could call anytime day or night and it has made all the difference in the world to my ability to get up in the morning and go through the motions. Your friends love you and want to help you. Let them help you and know that someday you WILL be able to talk to hem without crying, and someday you WILL be able to repay them for everything they have done for you.

Spend some time here, and take in all that you read. Pray. I have two small children, and I cannot imagine what it must be like to be alone with 4 young 'uns. Focus on them, and remember that they need you, but also remember that if you spend an entire day crying, it's OK. My kids saw me cry quite a bit, but they knew that they were my world and they are not any worse off for the days when they spent all day in their pj's and we drove to McDonalds for every meal because I could not pull it together enough to cook for them.

Things will get easier and kids can recover. Tell them you love them every chance you get.

I wish I could help you more,

CM